It's a brand new day

What can I say? It failed. And I knew there was a 60% failure rate. I knew it. But man, hoping for the 40% really got me. Why can't it work for me? Why does it work for so many people but others it fails?


I had 4 beautiful embryos. I had a perfect transfer. Easy as pie. But my body couldn't support them. Even with jabbing myself with 1.5ml of progesterone in oil everyday. Damn. I lost them.

This type of BFN is weighing more heavily on my heart. I don't think it's just because of all the added drama (injections, appointments, etc) but because I got to ~see~ those future babies. Those embryos were alive. They were a part of me and my husband. They were with us. They lived for a few days. And I lost them. I knew I wouldn't be able to have all four of them, but I was really hoping I could be the mommy to one of them. But they are all gone.

To my fab four - man, this is making me cry (again). Even though I wasn't able to bring you home, I loved you four intently. Yes, even though you were a mere 8 cells - I knew what you could become. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you live. I'm sorry I failed you. ♥, your mommy.

I have to go to the ridiculous negative beta blood draw in the morning. As soon as it's confirmed, the nurses will work up my calendar for IVF#2 (see? I told you I shouldn't of been labeling my first IVF as IVF#1.) All retrievals and transfers will be in the first two weeks of June, so I'm sure I'll be starting up very soon. Which is good because I have to move on. Do as much as I can in the very short time frame I have. August is approaching ridiculously fast.