Thursday, May 15, 2008

It's a brand new day

What can I say? It failed. And I knew there was a 60% failure rate. I knew it. But man, hoping for the 40% really got me. Why can't it work for me? Why does it work for so many people but others it fails?


I had 4 beautiful embryos. I had a perfect transfer. Easy as pie. But my body couldn't support them. Even with jabbing myself with 1.5ml of progesterone in oil everyday. Damn. I lost them.

This type of BFN is weighing more heavily on my heart. I don't think it's just because of all the added drama (injections, appointments, etc) but because I got to ~see~ those future babies. Those embryos were alive. They were a part of me and my husband. They were with us. They lived for a few days. And I lost them. I knew I wouldn't be able to have all four of them, but I was really hoping I could be the mommy to one of them. But they are all gone.

To my fab four - man, this is making me cry (again). Even though I wasn't able to bring you home, I loved you four intently. Yes, even though you were a mere 8 cells - I knew what you could become. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you live. I'm sorry I failed you. ♥, your mommy.

I have to go to the ridiculous negative beta blood draw in the morning. As soon as it's confirmed, the nurses will work up my calendar for IVF#2 (see? I told you I shouldn't of been labeling my first IVF as IVF#1.) All retrievals and transfers will be in the first two weeks of June, so I'm sure I'll be starting up very soon. Which is good because I have to move on. Do as much as I can in the very short time frame I have. August is approaching ridiculously fast.

25 comments:

KatieM said...

It is amazing how something that is with you so shortly can affect you so much, I know this well. I am truly sorry you had to experience that. You know you are always in my thoughts, and I hope your happy ending is very near.

Agata said...

I am so very sorry for your loss, Nancy. I will not pretend to understand your pain, all I can do is offer my sympathy and a shoulder to cry on. I recently found this quote and wanted to share it with you - because like you said, it is a brand new day... “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Love you!

Anonymous said...

(((Hugs))) Nancy I am so sorry that this did not work for you. I hope and pray that you will get your BFP before August!

~Jessica
jb18387 on webmd ITSG

JJ said...

Damn the stats, Nancy--it just aint fair.
On the bright side, we are going to be close cycle sistas!

Miss Tori said...

I'm bummed that your FET didn't work for you. I've been praying everynight that it would. I guess I'm going to have to get rid of that little shoulder fairy as it didn't do a very good job of predicting anything.

One a brighter note, I'm glad that we're semi-cycle buddies. You'll be ahead of me with the meds, but we're both doing June cycles. Maybe we'll see each other again at the clinic.

Hugs,
Tori

Jewels said...

Beautifully said letter to your babies (or embryos).
You know that I'm sorry, I cry with you and for you and that I understand (to the best I can) your loss, that hasn't changed, but I will also do what I can to be strong with you to help support you while you move forward on your journey.
((Bear Hugs))

Shinejil said...

I'm sorry about the BFN, Nancy.

Valerie said...

I am so sorry.

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you!

If you need anything, you know where to find me.

(((Hugs)))

Sarah R said...

Huge hugs for your loss, and here's hope for your next IVF. You are a strong woman......

Spicy Sister said...

Oh Nancy, I am really sorry you are having to go through this. I was so hopeful for you. I know your heart is hurting right now and my thoughts are with you.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry for your loss - and it is a loss.

I hope this next cycle brings you the positive you are looking for. Many hugs!

Poltzie said...

I'm sorry Nancy. Take care of yourself today!

*orange blossom* said...

nancy, i am so sorry that you're going through this. you seem like such a strong woman though, and i admire that. i wish you luck in the future w/ your next ivf and i'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! (((hugs)))

amanda

Chas said...

I'm so sorry, Nancy! I completely agree that seeing your little live embryos makes it so much harder when they don't make it!!

Candi B. said...

I am so so sorry Nancy. I really hope that you are able to be mommy to another precious baby soon.

Jen said...

I'm new to your blog, but I'm so very sorry about the BFN.
Unfair, unfair, unfair, and sucky.

jenn said...

I am s.o very sorry about this Nancy. There is no fairness in this, there is no right.
I am sorry you lost the Fab Four, but they have to know how much they were loved- no matter how briefly.
I wish your journey had a happy ending right here & now, I hope that the next cycle is different & my heart is with you.

Duck said...

It's always hard to get a BFN, sorry to hear this.
It's great that your cycling so soon!! It's always good to have a plan b when going in for beta tests (at least if i ever get there i plan on having a plan b).

Denise said...

Shit. I'm sorry Nancy. This just sucks. I really hope #2 does the trick for you. Maybe the key with a thin lining is a fresh transfer? I wonder what stats are for thin lining success with fresh versus frozen transfer.

Anonymous said...

Nancy, I am sorry is just shit at this point! Nothing I can say will put a dent in your grief. ((HUGS))

joyous melancholy said...

I'm so sorry. Please know that you are NOT a failure - this love you had for the Fab Four shows just what a great mom you really are. My thoughts go with you as you prepare for IVF#2.

Kim said...

So sorry. I know there is really nothing else to say...

Jenera said...

::hugs::

soapchick said...

Nancy - I'm sorry for the negative for the fab four. I hope that you get some more fabulous embies next time around and the docs can get your lining to grow nice and lush for them to live in. Don't give up...I know you won't!