What can I say? It failed. And I knew there was a 60% failure rate. I knew it. But man, hoping for the 40% really got me. Why can't it work for me? Why does it work for so many people but others it fails?
I had 4 beautiful embryos. I had a perfect transfer. Easy as pie. But my body couldn't support them. Even with jabbing myself with 1.5ml of progesterone in oil everyday. Damn. I lost them.
This type of BFN is weighing more heavily on my heart. I don't think it's just because of all the added drama (injections, appointments, etc) but because I got to ~see~ those future babies. Those embryos were alive. They were a part of me and my husband. They were with us. They lived for a few days. And I lost them. I knew I wouldn't be able to have all four of them, but I was really hoping I could be the mommy to one of them. But they are all gone.
To my fab four - man, this is making me cry (again). Even though I wasn't able to bring you home, I loved you four intently. Yes, even though you were a mere 8 cells - I knew what you could become. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you live. I'm sorry I failed you. ♥, your mommy.
I have to go to the ridiculous negative beta blood draw in the morning. As soon as it's confirmed, the nurses will work up my calendar for IVF#2 (see? I told you I shouldn't of been labeling my first IVF as IVF#1.) All retrievals and transfers will be in the first two weeks of June, so I'm sure I'll be starting up very soon. Which is good because I have to move on. Do as much as I can in the very short time frame I have. August is approaching ridiculously fast.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
(515)
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May
(37)
- Holy Schnikees.
- I'm like the boy who cried wolf.
- We'll know today.
- With all my being ...
- "Stay Positive"
- "60% chance of ectopic"
- Going in for Beta #3 (update 1)
- Scary Guy Pills, Part 2.
- What the hell?
- Scary Guy Pills
- How many?
- Double Bubble.
- blood drawn for beta #2
- I'm about to turn blue. - Updated w/ bfp progression
- Small update on 12dp3dt
- I'm still here!
- Beta in - It's low.
- Why does my digital pregnancy test on 11dp3dt (upd...
- It's a brand new day
- 9dp3dt
- 8dp3dt - still bfn.
- ah-hem.
- because I'm obsessive
- 7dp3dt (and a vent)
- Same on 6dp3dt
- 5dp3dt
- When can I start my POAS fest?
- Just call me Lumpy.
- 3dp3dt - Oh yes, this is going to continue.
- 2dp3dt
- Heavy post.
- The non eventful, non update.
- My embryos are superstars!!!
- I got "the call".
- Fertilization Report.
- I love me a big fat rollercoaster ride & girls who...
- I told them to thaw out The Mod Squad.
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May
(37)
25 comments:
It is amazing how something that is with you so shortly can affect you so much, I know this well. I am truly sorry you had to experience that. You know you are always in my thoughts, and I hope your happy ending is very near.
I am so very sorry for your loss, Nancy. I will not pretend to understand your pain, all I can do is offer my sympathy and a shoulder to cry on. I recently found this quote and wanted to share it with you - because like you said, it is a brand new day... “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Love you!
(((Hugs))) Nancy I am so sorry that this did not work for you. I hope and pray that you will get your BFP before August!
~Jessica
jb18387 on webmd ITSG
Damn the stats, Nancy--it just aint fair.
On the bright side, we are going to be close cycle sistas!
I'm bummed that your FET didn't work for you. I've been praying everynight that it would. I guess I'm going to have to get rid of that little shoulder fairy as it didn't do a very good job of predicting anything.
One a brighter note, I'm glad that we're semi-cycle buddies. You'll be ahead of me with the meds, but we're both doing June cycles. Maybe we'll see each other again at the clinic.
Hugs,
Tori
Beautifully said letter to your babies (or embryos).
You know that I'm sorry, I cry with you and for you and that I understand (to the best I can) your loss, that hasn't changed, but I will also do what I can to be strong with you to help support you while you move forward on your journey.
((Bear Hugs))
I'm sorry about the BFN, Nancy.
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you!
If you need anything, you know where to find me.
(((Hugs)))
Huge hugs for your loss, and here's hope for your next IVF. You are a strong woman......
Oh Nancy, I am really sorry you are having to go through this. I was so hopeful for you. I know your heart is hurting right now and my thoughts are with you.
I'm so sorry for your loss - and it is a loss.
I hope this next cycle brings you the positive you are looking for. Many hugs!
I'm sorry Nancy. Take care of yourself today!
nancy, i am so sorry that you're going through this. you seem like such a strong woman though, and i admire that. i wish you luck in the future w/ your next ivf and i'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! (((hugs)))
amanda
I'm so sorry, Nancy! I completely agree that seeing your little live embryos makes it so much harder when they don't make it!!
I am so so sorry Nancy. I really hope that you are able to be mommy to another precious baby soon.
I'm new to your blog, but I'm so very sorry about the BFN.
Unfair, unfair, unfair, and sucky.
I am s.o very sorry about this Nancy. There is no fairness in this, there is no right.
I am sorry you lost the Fab Four, but they have to know how much they were loved- no matter how briefly.
I wish your journey had a happy ending right here & now, I hope that the next cycle is different & my heart is with you.
It's always hard to get a BFN, sorry to hear this.
It's great that your cycling so soon!! It's always good to have a plan b when going in for beta tests (at least if i ever get there i plan on having a plan b).
Shit. I'm sorry Nancy. This just sucks. I really hope #2 does the trick for you. Maybe the key with a thin lining is a fresh transfer? I wonder what stats are for thin lining success with fresh versus frozen transfer.
Nancy, I am sorry is just shit at this point! Nothing I can say will put a dent in your grief. ((HUGS))
I'm so sorry. Please know that you are NOT a failure - this love you had for the Fab Four shows just what a great mom you really are. My thoughts go with you as you prepare for IVF#2.
So sorry. I know there is really nothing else to say...
::hugs::
Nancy - I'm sorry for the negative for the fab four. I hope that you get some more fabulous embies next time around and the docs can get your lining to grow nice and lush for them to live in. Don't give up...I know you won't!
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