With all my being ...

on the eve of another one of the big tests, I have some requests.

Please let those numbers be over 800. (and while they are under 1000, even ectopics quite often continue to double, my doc said it would be around now we would see the numbers plateau or even drop.) So with numbers over 800, I'll still be able to have bits of hope.

Please let the pain stay away from my abdomen. (I do still have the little right sided cramp I've felt from the very beginning though. Before they told me it was "most likely" ectopic, I barely gave this cramp a thought. But now, with every twinge, my heart drops in a panic of "what if this is the beginning of the pain?".) So please, don't let this little cramp get any worse than the little cramp it is.

Please don't start bleeding.

Please let the baby be in the right place.

Please don't make me have to subject myself to an injection that will kill my now living baby. Even though I'd know it was necessary, I don't know how I'll handle the actual killing.

Please let my heart remain intact. If my baby dies, I honestly don't understand how it won't break into a million pieces. (Kind of ironic. On Mel's wishing stone page, this was my wish: "I wish I wish I wish that [this] doesn't break me. I ~do~ wish for a pregnancy, but if that doesn't happen, I wish to be able to keep my heart intact." What the hell am I supposed to think about that now? It's like I was wishing to help me through exactly what is happening, but I had no idea yet.)

Please baby, don't die. But if you do, you won't be alone. Part of me will die with you.