Monday, May 26, 2008

With all my being ...

on the eve of another one of the big tests, I have some requests.

Please let those numbers be over 800. (and while they are under 1000, even ectopics quite often continue to double, my doc said it would be around now we would see the numbers plateau or even drop.) So with numbers over 800, I'll still be able to have bits of hope.

Please let the pain stay away from my abdomen. (I do still have the little right sided cramp I've felt from the very beginning though. Before they told me it was "most likely" ectopic, I barely gave this cramp a thought. But now, with every twinge, my heart drops in a panic of "what if this is the beginning of the pain?".) So please, don't let this little cramp get any worse than the little cramp it is.

Please don't start bleeding.

Please let the baby be in the right place.

Please don't make me have to subject myself to an injection that will kill my now living baby. Even though I'd know it was necessary, I don't know how I'll handle the actual killing.

Please let my heart remain intact. If my baby dies, I honestly don't understand how it won't break into a million pieces. (Kind of ironic. On Mel's wishing stone page, this was my wish: "I wish I wish I wish that [this] doesn't break me. I ~do~ wish for a pregnancy, but if that doesn't happen, I wish to be able to keep my heart intact." What the hell am I supposed to think about that now? It's like I was wishing to help me through exactly what is happening, but I had no idea yet.)

Please baby, don't die. But if you do, you won't be alone. Part of me will die with you.

33 comments:

Io said...

::hug::

Anonymous said...

Good luck. I don't know you but I am thinking of you and wishing nothing but good things for you.

charmedgirl said...

it WILL break you, but it won't break you. i'm crossing my fingers.

Lori said...

Wishing the same things for you alongside you.

Searching said...

Been keeping you in my prayers this whole time and will continue to do so.

JamieD said...

You have been in my thoughts all weekend. I am so sorry you are going through this torment.

jcoin said...

I'm crossing my fingers for you tomorrow. Good luck!
((((BIG HUGS))))

chicklet said...

Ugh, just checking in, hoping you had answers. Thinking of you lots:-(

Denise said...

I will be in a stupid team building session all day tomorrow, but I'll be thinking of you.

Becca said...

I have been following you since TTC a sibling on Web MD almost two years ago. I wish you the best and am praying for your little embie to be in the right place and growing strong.

I am sending you strength and wishes for peace of heart.

Kelly said...

I hope your numbers are over 800 and this little bean has planted itself in the right place.

(((Hugs))) I'll be thinking of you.

Jenera said...

You have been in my thoughts all weekend and I'm hoping for good numbers for you.

Super duper big ::hugs::

Geohde said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Hoping for good news for you,

J

jenn said...

I am thinking about you today & hoping & wishing the same things right along with you. big hugs.

Katherine said...

I'm thinking of you and your baby today, Nancy, and I'm sending you both lots of prayers and hugs.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

Hi...new here from NaComLeavMo. Just wanted to say, i'm thinking of you and praying that this is a GOOD pregnancy.

Cate said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. My fingers are crossed.

Paranoid said...

Oh, I so hope that your baby is not ectopic. I'll be keeping my fingers, toes and all other appendages crossed for you.

Morrisa said...

I'm hoping and praying that you will get the great number yo uare looking for. ((hugs))

KatieM said...

Nancy, you know I wish nothing but all of those things you listed, and my heart has been so heavy for you this weekend. However, if something does go awry with any of this, I just want you to know that there are so many of us, who have been through that similar pain, who will be willing to jump into your rabbit hole, and when you're ready, to help you out of it.

You have my best wishes today. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

good luck today nancy, i'll be thining of you!
Margriet (from webmd)

Anonymous said...

Nancy, I'm so sorry that you're faced with such hard decisions right now. I am, of course, hoping for the best possible outcome for you. But I know that whatever is, is & no amount of hoping will change it. Not knowing has got to be the hardest thing I can think of. Please give us an update as soon as you have one. We'll be here to cry or rejoice with you. (((BIG HUGS))) ~Steph from ttc board

elephantscanremember said...

I have been thinking about you all weekend. I hope it all turns out well. You do know we are here either way. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Agata said...

Lots of (((hugs))) coming your way - you and your baby are in my thoughts!

BethH6703 said...

Oh, Nancy! I just read the news, and I'm so sorry! Saying LOTS & LOTS of prayers that today's tests come out where they should!

Many hugs and lots of love being sent your way.

Chas said...

Nancy, I know your heart is breaking little by little just by not knowing. Losing a pregnancy is excruciating, and I hope so much that you don't have to endure that.

Wordgirl said...

Oh Nancy,

I am thinking of you.

Love,

Pam

Kaci said...

(((hugs)))

Tammy said...

I have tried all weekend to find so way to say I support you without it sounding trite and rainbow-ish.

I just want you to know that I will be here no matter what the outcome. {{hugs}}

Anonymous said...

*hug*. That's all I can say right now. I hope it's good news.

--Kristin

Jen said...

Having been at this point straddling hope and hate, I know there isn't much I can say to make anything better.

But know if you do need to talk, I'm here for you.

Many many hugs.

Duck said...

Nancy,I'm hoping for good news today for you.

Antigone said...

Google reader told me your future...