Saturday, May 24, 2008

"Stay Positive"

they tell me.

How can I not think of the fact I have a 60% chance that my baby is going to die?

SURE. I hope for the best. And I want people to hope for me too. But I also have to ready myself for what very well could be happening.

If any of you was in my position right now (and I know many of you have been), you'd be worrying about the same thing too. You couldn't think of the possible good ending only. You couldn't just dismiss the bad. You couldn't just forget about the possibility of having your baby die.

And this is why I told some of my close friends I need them to acknowledge the place I am right now. Them being 100% positive about it is like dismissing the real scary place I am in right now. And I ~am~ there. If they won't at least say "I'm sorry" in addition to the "Oh, I just know it's all okay!", it's like they are telling me my feelings aren't valid. But some of them don't understand. They think saying sorry is admitting defeat. And I shouldn't think of the bad, only the good.

But I can't. I just can't. I don't want my baby to die. But I can't pretend it won't. So I'm stuck. If I think positively, I love the baby more and more. If I get ready for the death, I have to start letting go.

I just ask that my friends give me a little room here. Please don't argue with me on how I should feel. Please don't make me feel worse. I'm holding myself together right now by a thread. The thread will quickly unravel by shouting at me, telling me I made you feel bad because I'm not rainbows and puppy dogs or pretty much anything negative at all. I am really sorry if I could be a better person to anyone right now and I'm not, but I'm barely remembering to tell myself to breathe.

please please please let my baby live. please. don't die.

~~~

I am so fucking pissed off. Why can't anything be cut and dry for me? Why is everything up and down with me? IVF and all is well! No, it's not, we're cancelling. Egg Retrieval went well! No, you have some pretty bad OHSS. We'll try again starting next week! No, your levels need to come down more. We'll try this new thing! No, it's not working. We'll try this other new thing! No, not working. Let's put all 4 embryos is! No, BFN at 10dp3dt. Wait, BFP at 11dp3dt! No, beta is low. Your levels are doubling!! No, not good enough for some fucking unknown reason, your baby will most likely die.

Fuck. I need to get through a cycle like 95% of normal women. I need to just have a BFN or a BFP. I need a doubling beta to mean it's okay, not that it's still not okay. Why can't any of these truths hold up for me?

I can't keep doing this.

And I'm terrified of what is going to happen if and when the ectopic is verified. I know I'll have to take the injection of poison, but the fact that I'll be allowing to be injected with something that will kill my baby is too much for me to even process. I understand I have to take it or I could die. And I understand there is no way for the baby to survive. I know all of this. But taking the shot is going to kill part of me too. This makes me get that much more pissed off when women abort their babies because of such stupid fucking reasons like they are identical twins instead of a singleton. Fuck, I don't even want to have to 'abort' a baby that will kill me if the pregnancy continues. How could anyone kill a baby when if left to grow, would grow to be a real child? A child with a name. A child that laughs. A child that will call you mommy. A child that will love you unconditionally. It breaks my heart that these children aren't loved at all.

I will never understand. I will admit the reason I don't understand is because I had never been in those shoes. And I can understand there must have been some pretty serious issues to get someone to that point. But damn, I also think there is a level of "suck it the fuck up" that wasn't even thought of, much less risen to. I have two children and I would do anything for them. I would walk through fire for them. I would endure the worst of physical and psychological torture for them. If my pregnancy was so bad that I was afraid I would jump off a bridge if given the chance, I would have my husband tie me to a bed for the entire 9 months to keep them safe. If I still could not handle their existence, I would give them to someone with an empty womb who would love them for all they were worth.

And I know I'm lashing out because of my own pain right now. And I'm sure people think I'm just a terrible person and think I should support everyone in the world because they have a uterus. But guess what? I'm not a perfect human being. I'm far from it. And I'll be the first to admit my faults. This is one of them.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nancy-I have been following your story for years now. I "met" you on the TTC boards. I have since gone on, had my son, lost my son, and am now trying to decide what to do.
You are allowed to feel scared about this. I won't tell you everything is going to be fine, because you don't know that it is. I am not going to tell you to relax, because there is no way you can relax at this moment. What I am going to tell you is that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Keep loving that baby - you will always love her or him, no matter what happens. And that is okay. Just love your baby.
Good luck. I will keep reading your posts and I will hope for the best for you and your family.
Take care.
Sara, Kentucky

Penny said...

How awful a place to be. If I were a friend, perhaps I would just hold your hand.

There is no positive and no negative way to feel, only a terrible, terrible in between in which you think as though you are not allowed to feel either, I think.

waitinginline said...

I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry that you're having to go through any of this. It's not something anyone should have to ever suffer through. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))

Lori said...

{{{Nancy}}}}

You're in my thoughts this weekend.

I like you just the way you are.

(Does that sound too Stuart Smalley?)

KatieM said...

I hope you got my second message. ((hugs))

JamieD said...

It is a horrible, sucky place to be. After my miscarriage, someone implied that the reason I lost my pregnancy was because I didn't really "believe" I was pregnant since I didn't want to tell anyone yet. That by being prepared for the worst, I was a self-fullfilling prophecy. I would like to say that I took some Scary Guy Pills and punched her lights out, but I didn't.

It ~is~ hard - you want to prepare yourself for the worst, but at the same time you want to get on your knees and pray to any & every higher being that you deserve this child and you will be a wonderful mother. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially you.

I hope you get some rest this weekend, however fleeting it may be.

Anonymous said...

Lash out, be angry and fear the worst and yet pray for the best. You are as strong of a woman as any. I sincerely hope you won't lose your little one despite the odds but if the awful does happen I will be here to send you my prayers and support.

Cate

Antigone said...

I think we're all waiting with you.

tobacco brunette said...

Hi. I feel like I'm stalking you, but I'm so concerned for you. So I keep checking back. Last summer I went through the same thing. Rising betas, but always an empty uterus. Doctors kept talking late implantation, but I knew that it was ectopic. I spent a week and a half going back and forth for daily bloodwork looking for some sign that it was time to give me the MTX shot. And when they finally found the "mass" in my tubes, it was no surprise, but still devastating. When I drive down the street where the radiologist who was monitoring me is located, I still get upset.

What you're going through, Nancy, is the most fucked up thing. To go through all that you did to get pregnant and to find out that the pregnancy is not only not viable, but threatens your life is the worst mind-fuck ever.

If this turns out to indeed be ectopic and you want to compare notes or bitch to someone who knows what you're going through, unfortunately there are tons of us out here for you. Email me anytime.

XO

Amber said...

Sorry that you are going through this! It is a hard place to be in; the not knowing sucks.

Just wanted to tell you that I will be thinking and praying for you and your growing little bean.

(((Hugs)))

Anonymous said...

You are entitled to be scared, pissed off and hurt. My prayers are with you, Nancy. I really hope it all works out for you.

Anonymous said...

Nancy- I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Dot

msiepman said...

you are right, no one should tell you how to feel. People often like to "make things better" because it's uncomfortable to just sit and acknowledge sadness and hurt. your feelings are so valid and if you need to be sad/angry/frustrated for awhile then so be it. (((((hugs)))))

Searching said...

Begging along with you Nancy. I want you to have this little one so badly. You will both be in my prayers.

joyous melancholy said...

The only way I could get through the wait of my own low beta numbers was to choose to believe that it was all going to be okay. But that's me - and the fear never went away. Of course you're scared, of course you're worried, of course you feel like all of this is fucked up. It *is* fucked up, and I hate it all as much as you do.

I'm waiting with you, holding my breath with you, breathing the same prayer with you. "Please please please..."

(((((HUGS)))))

Kelly said...

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm hoping with everything that I have that your little bean will grow into your 3rd beautiful baby!

Chas said...

I'm so sorry...

lyndsey kate said...

Oh my word, I can't even imagine the agony you are in right now. I've never walked in your shoes, but I can feel your pain as I read what you've written, and my heart is heavy for you. For the possible loss of your baby and for the lack of support you feel from your friends.

I will be holding my breath and praying for you in the coming days as you find out exactly what is going on.

May God hold you close and fill your heart with his peace.

DC said...

I found your blog through io (Who Shot My Stork?) and am enjoying your writing style.

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Monkey's Mama said...

Hi Nancy--not sure how I found you but here I sit, reading your heart wrenching journey. Brings me back to the days of my own infertility meltdowns. I am so sorry you're going through this. This is just the worst--the waiting and not knowing.

I'll be checking in to see how you're doing.

By the way, I second you on the abortion issue.

Monkey's Mama said...

Hi Nancy--not sure how I found you but here I sit, reading your heart wrenching journey. Brings me back to the days of my own infertility meltdowns. I am so sorry you're going through this. This is just the worst--the waiting and not knowing.

I'll be checking in to see how you're doing.

By the way, I second you on the abortion issue.

Jenera said...

::hugs::

While I can't say I know exactly what you are feeling, I do understand the feeling of preparing for the worst. Up until my ultrasound this past week I was fully prepared to go in and be told that my baby was no longer with us. i could not shake the black cloud from the miscarriage. I wanted to hope but I couldn't completely hope knowing all the possibilities and things that could happen.

I truly am sorry because I know this is what you want so very badly. This will just be a cruel slap in the face from life.

I think it is perfectly acceptable to be prepared for both the good and the bad otherwise you may never be able to 'deal' with whatever happens.

Right now we have a cousin who is having an abortion because she 'just doesn't want to care for someone' and she is discussing this with me after losing a pregnancy and worrying about the baby I'm currently carrying. It puts me in a very weird position where I don't like her much.

Anyway, I will be thinking of you constantly until you get the news either way.

::hugs::
Jenera

Rachel Inbar said...

The only thing that helped me when I was in a similar situation was the knowledge that it was out of my hands.

Thinking of you!

Kaci said...

Oh Nancy, reading this and your last post just make my heart break for you. I can't imagine what you are feeling, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this worry. I hope and pray everything turns out positive for you. (((hugs))) many times over.

Our family is complete said...

I am so sorry Nancy. I hope the odds are in your favor. I just wish you weren't even having to deal with this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

((HUGS))

Amy

Jessica said...

HUGS Nancy.. that's all I can do. virtual hugs.

chicklet said...

Hey chicky, I don't know what to say and nothing I say will help, but know I'm here and watching and hoping for you. I really hate that it's this hard for you, that it can't ever just be black or white, cuz this shit is bad enough when it's black or white, let alone when it's grey and f*d up like this.

Jendeis said...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Crying here with you. Use this space to vent, girl, we're all here with you and for you.

jamie said...

i wish i had something uplifting and awesome to say but i don't. all i can say is that i am here for you! fuck this sucks, jamie

Denise said...

Thinking about you and hoping for the best.

Anonymous said...

Nancy,
We are only so strong and can only take so much. If you need to lash out to deal with this then do so! I can't imagine how scared, angry, and alone you feel right now. When things like this happen you can feel like your by yourself even when a dozen people are around to suport you. You are right, you are only so strong and can only take so much. We are here for you no matter what.

STE said...

You are not a horrible person; just a good person in a difficult situation.

You are in my thoughts. I'm hoping for good things for you.

JJ said...

Nancy, just letting you know you have been in my thoughts--Im sending you so many virtual hugs and good wishes...

jcoin said...

Nancy-
I don't know what to say, except I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers over the next days.

Kimjj514 said...

Oh Nancy (((((hugs))))) I pray for you and your angel. I know no words can make this easier right now, and no one should EVER try to invalidate what you are going through. At this point you need to prepare for the worst and pray for the best. But no matter what happens, I hope you are somehow comforted by all of us here who love you and are praying for you. I can't say I know what it's like to go through what you are going through/have gone through. But I do know the pain of being told that your baby probably won't make it. It's more than anyone should ever have to be faced with.

Anonymous said...

Nancy - I just found your blog and have spent most of this morning reading it. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Let me just say that I understand...and I am there now too.

It is hard to be on the roller coaster and feel so uncertain and out of control.

I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that you find the strength to get through each day. Sometimes, that is all we can do.

Duck said...

hi Nancy,
I can't remember if I commented or not - well I won't tell you to stay positive, as I know that can be annoying, but hoping things will go well and it's not ectopic.

Lynda said...

I've just been catching up on your last few posts so congrats firstly on your BFP and secondly, I hope this baby hangs in there for you, I really do. You have the right to feel whatever you need to feel. Limbo land is not an easy place to be.

Monica Fayth said...

I'm so sorry things are looking so bleak right now. I'm hoping and praying that things turn around tomorrow. I really wish there was more I could do in terms of comfort and support. Just know that I'm here for you whatever the future holds.

Kymberli said...

It's not fair, and you have every right to be angry. I am waiting with you.

alicia said...

wow, I can't imagine what you are going through. It breaks my heart that the people around you are making you feel worse by telling you how to feel. There is no right way to feel. Feel what you need to, I don't think it needs to be justified.

Here from NaComLeavMo

Sarah R said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and praying that everything is just fine with you and your baby. I can't even imagine going through all that you've been through...

(((((HUGS)))))

Jewels said...

I went camping this weekend, I just got home, and I thought about you the whole time, I felt so sad for what you must be going through while you await the fate of your unborn child. I don’t know of any other feeling so devastating and powerless than knowing your baby may die. You know what I've suffered, and I could never wish that emptiness and sadness on anyone. And knowing you’re going through this hell hurts me so bad. I know getting to this point was rough, but this is so unbearable. I cant send enough hugs or love, I wished I could give you a real hug, I wished there was some sort of comfort anyone could give you right now, I still pray for the best, but until then, that un-shaking fear is something I don’t know how to help you through, I know how mean life can be, how possible and real loss is, and I know how nothing brings comfort. I care about you, and I'm so sorry.
If there is anything I felt inclined to say while I thought about you this weekend, that is to love your child no mater what the possible outcome, to not ignore that it’s alive even if it has to be terminated, tell it you love it, embrace what existence it has while it has it. You are a mother of 3 now. That will never change, so don’t deny that part of your self…. But I don’t know the right way, I don’t know any easy out of this, I realize I only speak of my own regret of not loving mine while I had it. It haunts me still to this day.

~Million more Hugs~