"Stay Positive"

they tell me.

How can I not think of the fact I have a 60% chance that my baby is going to die?

SURE. I hope for the best. And I want people to hope for me too. But I also have to ready myself for what very well could be happening.

If any of you was in my position right now (and I know many of you have been), you'd be worrying about the same thing too. You couldn't think of the possible good ending only. You couldn't just dismiss the bad. You couldn't just forget about the possibility of having your baby die.

And this is why I told some of my close friends I need them to acknowledge the place I am right now. Them being 100% positive about it is like dismissing the real scary place I am in right now. And I ~am~ there. If they won't at least say "I'm sorry" in addition to the "Oh, I just know it's all okay!", it's like they are telling me my feelings aren't valid. But some of them don't understand. They think saying sorry is admitting defeat. And I shouldn't think of the bad, only the good.

But I can't. I just can't. I don't want my baby to die. But I can't pretend it won't. So I'm stuck. If I think positively, I love the baby more and more. If I get ready for the death, I have to start letting go.

I just ask that my friends give me a little room here. Please don't argue with me on how I should feel. Please don't make me feel worse. I'm holding myself together right now by a thread. The thread will quickly unravel by shouting at me, telling me I made you feel bad because I'm not rainbows and puppy dogs or pretty much anything negative at all. I am really sorry if I could be a better person to anyone right now and I'm not, but I'm barely remembering to tell myself to breathe.

please please please let my baby live. please. don't die.

~~~

I am so fucking pissed off. Why can't anything be cut and dry for me? Why is everything up and down with me? IVF and all is well! No, it's not, we're cancelling. Egg Retrieval went well! No, you have some pretty bad OHSS. We'll try again starting next week! No, your levels need to come down more. We'll try this new thing! No, it's not working. We'll try this other new thing! No, not working. Let's put all 4 embryos is! No, BFN at 10dp3dt. Wait, BFP at 11dp3dt! No, beta is low. Your levels are doubling!! No, not good enough for some fucking unknown reason, your baby will most likely die.

Fuck. I need to get through a cycle like 95% of normal women. I need to just have a BFN or a BFP. I need a doubling beta to mean it's okay, not that it's still not okay. Why can't any of these truths hold up for me?

I can't keep doing this.

And I'm terrified of what is going to happen if and when the ectopic is verified. I know I'll have to take the injection of poison, but the fact that I'll be allowing to be injected with something that will kill my baby is too much for me to even process. I understand I have to take it or I could die. And I understand there is no way for the baby to survive. I know all of this. But taking the shot is going to kill part of me too. This makes me get that much more pissed off when women abort their babies because of such stupid fucking reasons like they are identical twins instead of a singleton. Fuck, I don't even want to have to 'abort' a baby that will kill me if the pregnancy continues. How could anyone kill a baby when if left to grow, would grow to be a real child? A child with a name. A child that laughs. A child that will call you mommy. A child that will love you unconditionally. It breaks my heart that these children aren't loved at all.

I will never understand. I will admit the reason I don't understand is because I had never been in those shoes. And I can understand there must have been some pretty serious issues to get someone to that point. But damn, I also think there is a level of "suck it the fuck up" that wasn't even thought of, much less risen to. I have two children and I would do anything for them. I would walk through fire for them. I would endure the worst of physical and psychological torture for them. If my pregnancy was so bad that I was afraid I would jump off a bridge if given the chance, I would have my husband tie me to a bed for the entire 9 months to keep them safe. If I still could not handle their existence, I would give them to someone with an empty womb who would love them for all they were worth.

And I know I'm lashing out because of my own pain right now. And I'm sure people think I'm just a terrible person and think I should support everyone in the world because they have a uterus. But guess what? I'm not a perfect human being. I'm far from it. And I'll be the first to admit my faults. This is one of them.