Back to the adoption post.

Last week, I posed a question about adoption ("Why don't you just adopt?").

The response was outstanding. I can't thank you all enough - not just for commenting, but many of you took the time to really sit down and give me your thoughts. Thank you.

This isn't going to be a well put together post, as I want to just respond to a few of the comments and maybe ask a few questions. I'm simply going to go down the list of comments I received and throw out my return comments.

Pam - The "out of control" part is huge for me too. Prenatal, genetics, you name it. Do you happen to watch "House"? I don't peg you for an avid tv watcher though. They had an episode about the boss chick having IVF w/ donated sperm and how "genes matter" (not in a biological vs adoptive vs step way, but in a "what you are getting" way). How she couldn't pick a donor based on medical history alone - how genes really make a difference in the choice. I don't mean that donated sperm is a bad thing, just I'd want more to go on. I'd want to ~know~ more about what I'd be getting, instead of just looking as specific points to the medical history.

Joyous Melancholy - I talked to my husband more about this and in getting down to the nitty gritty, it looks more like he wasn't worried about loving the child more than he was worried about the child not feeling loved. He thinks that regardless of how much the child is actually loved, knowing she is not biological, like her sisters, she'd be hyper sensitive to it all. And anything negative would turn into a "they don't love me as much" type thing. Obviously your husband's situation was a bit different due to his father ~told~ him (how terrible. I'm so sorry), but I bet it's a natural occurrence when children know they are adopted and have siblings biological to the parents.

Christina - see the above comment. Now that he told me that, it makes me wonder. Will you worry about the same thing? Will you tell your adoptive child(ren) from the get-go?

Portraits in Sepia - Your talking of the judgments got my blood boiling. You are so absolutely right. And while it's definitely necessary to a point, it's unfair ANYONE can have a child of their own and only the ones with issues are the ones who are judged. Terrible.

Shayna - money is a bitch, eh? My very good friend adopted a caucasian child from a European country and it cost her $30,000 each time (she adopted two total, different times). I think she told me it was more expensive due to the caucasian child, which is ridiculous different children have different "costs" associated with it. Blech.

Chas - I'm selfish too. Although the aspect of a child is what it's all about, I really want to carry another child. Had I not carried a child before, adoption would be easier for me, but now that I know about how my body reacts to it, I'd miss it. And I find it horrible for me to even admit it, because I think adoption is such a noble thing to do, I would never want to say that I think adoptive mothers are missing out on anything. It just sucks.

Anon - I asked him and he said had we not been successful with #1, he'd be totally agreeable to adoption.

Denise - Yes. I knew what the picture of the tower was :)

I0 - I read your own post. I need to go back and talk to you on your blog about it. I don't think I actually answered it.

Spicy Sister - Okay, I think of the spice girls every time I see your name. :) Anywho, I think for any women who years to conceive and carry, it's perfectly okay to follow that path as long as you want to. I completely agree with your last statement "I guess ultimately - I see adoption as a different road, a different battle....a good one, a worthy one - but just not the one we are on right now." And if we didn't conceive, maybe it'd be a road we'd be on right now.

Anon - Nothing wrong with that. And I think it's very important to know this about yourself. Could you imagine going through it just because it's what some people "should" think you should do but it wasn't in your heart? Know yourself. It's so important.

Jenera - That's something else that would worry me - about the biological mom having anything to do with ~MY~ child. Especially with a SIL. Ack. Although I do have a friend who adopted her SIL's child without issue, you've already seen how she is. I don't blame you for the decision you made. What ended up happening? You know, I worry about this in the opposite way too - like it ~I~ donated my embryos to someone I knew or if I surrogated for someone I knew. I feel like I would feel like I should be involved in something this isn't mine anymore.

Katie - I think it's perfectly normal to be doing what you are doing right now. Right now, you are still young and still trying - no need to worry about things coming to an end too quickly. Take your time and when/if adoption is the answer for you, it will be. I want to note that I know it seems that I am saying adoption is last resort or only for people who don't have the time to ttc - that's definitely ~not~ what I am saying. I just know you and I know that you are trying to conceive and it's important to you. My opinion is not a blanket statement by any means.

Tracers - I'm really sorry you had such a bad experience with adoption. All kinds of stories are out there, some good and some bad. It's unfortunate yours had to be one of the bad ones. Oh - and I've always wanted to read your invite only blog. If you are ever up for more readers, I would love for you to contact me!

Kaci - Firstly, don't worry about your other comments. I saw your second one and just deleted the first one before reading (comments come in sorted timestamp reverse). Secondly, I'm really glad you decided to tell me about it. My sister also put up a child for adoption when she was young. For her, it was also a timing issue and I've never thought too much past it. How old were you? Don't answer if you don't want, but if you do answer, I won't publish your comment.

Anon - I can't tell you how many times I've said the same thing - the fact that after so much time, the child can just be whisked away. (although Lori at Weebles Weblog told me some contrasting information to that). And all I can say is ~wow~ in regards to the qualifications! Medication that you use to be healthy? Money? (okay, I understand that one a bit). BMI??? Holy hell. Also, I don't think wanting a Caucasian baby is a bad thing. It's not racist, it's being able to bring up a child the way you know how. I know that the task of keeping a child of another's race ethnicity in tact would be a something that would be too hard for me. And I have read about how hard it is to be the adopted child to parents of another race. I wouldn't want anything to be overly hard for my children, so I also would opt for a Caucasian baby. It's got nothing to do with the child's race. It's got everything to do with my own.

Steph - I have said it above, but I talked to by husband and he agrees with your comment: "he'd rather adopt and have a child than never have one of his own."

Claire - "It's the enlightened thing to do". I think it is a noble thing, but I do think people should have their own opinions about it too. That sentence just struck me. I really hope your pregnancy is going well! I haven't checked in on you, I know, I'm super horrible and selfish, but hey, maybe this IVF will work and I can suddenly be okay with everyone's pregnancies again.

PJ - I read it. And all I can do is nod my head in agreement. I don't think adoption is the natural "cure" or end to infertility. It's unfortunate so many people think it is.

Shinejil - I've said it before and I'll say it again, knowing yourself and the reasons behind your actions is something I would never want to give up. And I'm glad you have it in you to do yourself.

Alice - Mel told me that same comment about the not being related to my spouse and still loving him. At first I giggled thinking of how backwoods it would be if we were related and I do the things I do with him :) Then I thought how different the love of a spouse and love of a child is. I don't think I could compare that. I do know I could love an adoptive child just as my biological child and I believe he could too. But I do find it completely okay that he has these feelings. Since we are not going to adopt, it's not anything I have to pursue to get him to understand any better. About adoption being a "guaranteed child", how I wish it was that easy.

Loribeth - Age sure is a crappy thing to deal with, eh? I'm ~only~ 35, fastly approaching my own cut off limit of 36. I bet you my limit wouldn't be cutoff so soon if I was ttc#1. I wish there wasn't so many things that a 40+ "shouldn't" do.

JCK - So you are the reason ppl say "adopt and you'll get pregnant!" :). Congrats on the births of BOTH your babies!

"Why don't you just adopt?"

It's a question that was posed to me many, many times while ttc#1. I have to say it's not asked to me so much anymore, as I usually get the "at least you already have two."

I've been thinking about the aspect of adoption recently because of two things - One, because of me looking into the women who have decided upon living child free and Two, because I met someone who quite possibly has the best adoption success stories ever.

What this post is not about how hard it really can be, and usually is, to adopt. It's also not about how stupid a question that is to ask anyone who is having a hard time ttc. Nor is it about why you would adopt or why you did adopt. My question posed to those who chose ~not~ to adopt. Those who adoption wasn't for them.

I know I'm asking very sensitive questions of a very personal nature. Please feel free to comment anonymously if you would feel more comfortable. But please try to answer if you can, I'm really interested in what anyone has to say.

With our failures ttc#3, I approached my husband about the idea of adoption. Our situation is different because we do have children. If we don't adopt, we aren't looking at living child free, we're just looking at living with two children. Totally different if I was ttc#1. We hadn't yet gotten to this question in our first ttc journey, so I honestly will not be able to give any information of what we would have done if we didn't succeed. It's really because of not knowing the answers to how my own story would have gone, that I ask now.

When I asked my husband, he gave me an emphatic "no". There will be no adoption attempts from his point of view. Since this would be a mutual decision, his "no" pretty much trumps any "yes" from my lips.

I was a little surprised over how quickly he was able to answer me. When asked his reasoning, he responded ~"I don't think I could love an adopted child as much as I love my biological children." Wait - before anyone gets too pissed off over his comment, keep in mind this is from A) a man, B) a man who hasn't had to wonder about adoption and C) a man who hasn't had ~any~ 'experience' with anything adoption related.

His answer shocked me. I just couldn't see how someone could say or even think that. Once you have a child that is yours, I couldn't see anything else but loving that child no differently than something out of my own DNA. But even though I didn't agree, I couldn't fault him for his own feelings. I wasn't going to argue, as adoptions isn't anything I'd really pursue too much. Honestly, it scares me too much. All that work and anticipation with the very real aspect of failure. Sure, TTC has the "same" kind of feelings, but failures would be my own failures. With adoption, I feel that I'd have to put too much ownership on someone else, so when he said "no", I was okay with it. Had he said "yes", I'd of gone into a new direction - delving into how I would really be able to go through the process. I could definitely see myself adopting, it's just the process that really freaks me out.

So, adoption, for us, is out. If this IVF fails, it fails. If we don't succeed and we close up shop at the end of the summer, that's what we'll do. We will still feel blessed to have the family we have, although I'll always know in my heart I have an empty seat at the table. The seat that was slated for child #3.

Onto my question - if you have decided against adoption - why? Was it a mutual decision? Was it like us where one "no" trumped any "yes"? Does anyone else feel like my husband does? Are you not planning on adopting because you have children? Are you not planning on adopting to focus on living child free? Do you want to adopt but can't for any reason? There's a myriad of questions I can ask right now, so you'll have to do the work in answering anything that could be asked.

I want to thank anyone who answers. I wonder what my husband's answer would have been if I asked before we conceived #1. Would he have chosen to live child free? Or would he of had a different feeling due to not having children at home? Would I of no accepted an answer of "no"? I have no way of knowing. But to get an idea, your own stories would help me out. So thank you.