"Why don't you just adopt?"

It's a question that was posed to me many, many times while ttc#1. I have to say it's not asked to me so much anymore, as I usually get the "at least you already have two."

I've been thinking about the aspect of adoption recently because of two things - One, because of me looking into the women who have decided upon living child free and Two, because I met someone who quite possibly has the best adoption success stories ever.

What this post is not about how hard it really can be, and usually is, to adopt. It's also not about how stupid a question that is to ask anyone who is having a hard time ttc. Nor is it about why you would adopt or why you did adopt. My question posed to those who chose ~not~ to adopt. Those who adoption wasn't for them.

I know I'm asking very sensitive questions of a very personal nature. Please feel free to comment anonymously if you would feel more comfortable. But please try to answer if you can, I'm really interested in what anyone has to say.

With our failures ttc#3, I approached my husband about the idea of adoption. Our situation is different because we do have children. If we don't adopt, we aren't looking at living child free, we're just looking at living with two children. Totally different if I was ttc#1. We hadn't yet gotten to this question in our first ttc journey, so I honestly will not be able to give any information of what we would have done if we didn't succeed. It's really because of not knowing the answers to how my own story would have gone, that I ask now.

When I asked my husband, he gave me an emphatic "no". There will be no adoption attempts from his point of view. Since this would be a mutual decision, his "no" pretty much trumps any "yes" from my lips.

I was a little surprised over how quickly he was able to answer me. When asked his reasoning, he responded ~"I don't think I could love an adopted child as much as I love my biological children." Wait - before anyone gets too pissed off over his comment, keep in mind this is from A) a man, B) a man who hasn't had to wonder about adoption and C) a man who hasn't had ~any~ 'experience' with anything adoption related.

His answer shocked me. I just couldn't see how someone could say or even think that. Once you have a child that is yours, I couldn't see anything else but loving that child no differently than something out of my own DNA. But even though I didn't agree, I couldn't fault him for his own feelings. I wasn't going to argue, as adoptions isn't anything I'd really pursue too much. Honestly, it scares me too much. All that work and anticipation with the very real aspect of failure. Sure, TTC has the "same" kind of feelings, but failures would be my own failures. With adoption, I feel that I'd have to put too much ownership on someone else, so when he said "no", I was okay with it. Had he said "yes", I'd of gone into a new direction - delving into how I would really be able to go through the process. I could definitely see myself adopting, it's just the process that really freaks me out.

So, adoption, for us, is out. If this IVF fails, it fails. If we don't succeed and we close up shop at the end of the summer, that's what we'll do. We will still feel blessed to have the family we have, although I'll always know in my heart I have an empty seat at the table. The seat that was slated for child #3.

Onto my question - if you have decided against adoption - why? Was it a mutual decision? Was it like us where one "no" trumped any "yes"? Does anyone else feel like my husband does? Are you not planning on adopting because you have children? Are you not planning on adopting to focus on living child free? Do you want to adopt but can't for any reason? There's a myriad of questions I can ask right now, so you'll have to do the work in answering anything that could be asked.

I want to thank anyone who answers. I wonder what my husband's answer would have been if I asked before we conceived #1. Would he have chosen to live child free? Or would he of had a different feeling due to not having children at home? Would I of no accepted an answer of "no"? I have no way of knowing. But to get an idea, your own stories would help me out. So thank you.