The difference an IFer feels about her children.

(children mentioned)

I am going to try to write about what's been going around in my head about this subject. I did want to start off my saying I do ~not~ think the actual LOVE is any different. I think a woman who ttc for 5 years loves her child just the same as a woman who was blessed with a C1 BFP. But I do think there are some differences, some of them so important, it makes me feel like the lucky one for going through infertility.

We were like any other couple who wanted children. We discussed it, thought it was time and started trying to conceive. Except we didn't fall under the "average" couple who could conceive within a year's time. It took us 18 cycles for the first child, one miracle month for the second and here we are, going through IVF on cycle 18 for our third.

I was thrust into a lot of inner dialog that would have never came up if I got pregnant in that first year. I was forced to think about the question "what if I never get pregnant?". It was a very real fear I had. I didn't know if I'd ever get a chance at being a mom. I didn't know if I'd ever get a chance to have children to love. I just didn't know.

What my infertility made me realize is just how much I wanted children. Some women feel "let's see what happens" in regards to having children - never really being 100% behind knowing they want a child at that time. I can't tell you how many women I've known who "thought" about having a child and before they made their decision, their "surprise" pregnancy had already made the decision for them. To me, I feel like these women were robbed of the knowledge of knowing they really, truly ~wanted~ their child. Sure, they loved the child once the baby was in existence, but they didn't get to make the decision for themselves.

Now that I have succeeded at least once, I'm glad I went through the time ttc. I knew what I would do for a child. Especially now, I know that I'll go through multiple daily injections and surgery and possible heartbreak for my child. I know some women who just wouldn't go to these lengths, but I know I would and I am. I will never take my child or my pregnancies for granted. I know how lucky I am that I did succeed. And I will never ever forget it. For the rest of my life, I will look at my children and I will know how much I wanted them. I will forever know what lengths I would have gone through for them - the lengths I did go through.

Like I said, I don't think women who got their BFPs right away don't love their children any less than women who have gone through infertility. I think ~love~ is universal and it doesn't matter how your child got here. But the feeling I feel, as every other IFer feels about their children, is something I can barely explain. The relief we feel. We look at our children and we know we won the lottery. We know we dodged a bullet. We feel this overwhelming sense of luck. It's in addition to the love we feel and honestly, I'm glad I feel it. If I didn't go through infertility, I wouldn't even know that this feeling existed. Women who conceive in their first year get the bonus of not having to go through infertility. Infertiles get the bonus of getting this feeling. It's all fair if you ask me.

There has been some really unfair negatives this time around. My friend Denise received a negative beta for her FET today - if you can, go over and give her a ~hug~ for support. Another friend of mine, Shayna, is dealing with her lack of even getting a chance (no ovulation) and things are hard for her right now too. They are both ttc#1 and are having those feelings I once had. I want to tell them both I just know it will happen for them, but obviously that's not something I can do. I try to explain how all of these failures will be worth it some day. If it takes 6 IVF cycles to get my BFP, then I'll go through 5 IVF failures. Because I know it's worth it. I know I'll end up being thankful for the position I'm in and I'll even feel that much ~more~ lucky. The problem is - I don't know if IVF#6 will be what it takes. And they don't either. But in my eyes, the risk is worth it. I'm in a unique situation though, as I have already conceived. I don't know if the risks are worth the chance of conception for them. I don't know what 6 IVF failures would do to my heart if that's all that was there for me at the end - failures. If there was a guarantee, I would say do everything you have to do to get there. But there is no guarantee, so all I can do is be their cheerleader. I'll be behind them wherever they choose to go.

I can only hope every infertile I know will eventually feel this ~bonus feeling~ along with their love for their children. That feeling is what makes IF tolerable.