Friday, March 21, 2008

Wow. I am starting to feel it.

I started feeling a little twindgy yesterday and as of this morning, I am starting to feel "full" down there. And it's only the beginning! I can't imagine how uncomfortable I'm going to feel by next week, before egg retrieval. On my simply femara cycles with 2-3 follicles, I feel so uncomfortable - oh my - how am I going to feel with 5 times as many follicles? ack.

On another note - I was really happy to read the comments from my "How IFers feel about their children" post. I was quite impressed how the non-IFers felt, especially Poltzie. She noticed how just about every IFer agreed with me while every non-IFer didn't agree. It just goes to show how it's impossible to know what you will feel until you are there.

It's impossible for a non-IFer to understand how it feels once you are truly deemed "infertile". And hopefully the non-IFers won't ever have to feel it. There is just this feeling of desperation feeling I didn't get until way after a year. The year marked sucked, but it wasn't until I failed those first handful of treatments that I felt the real desperation. And that's when thing changed for me - it was no longer a "when", but a question of "if". That first 16~ish months of ttc had me just in a holding pattern, waiting for it to happen, because I truly believed it would just be a matter of time. After than, I knew it wasn't guaranteed - things may not happen. That is why the BFP after that mark for ~me~ was more of relief than the utter joy of it. I honestly don't think I would have felt that in the first year or so.

Even with me having a C1 bfp, like Rachel commented on herself, it was ~after~ already going through 18 cycles of trying. So, for me at least, it wasn't expected at all. When we started ttc#2, I dug my heels in for another long journey where nothing was promised at the end. When I got that C1 bfp, I felt that relief again, but this time it was coupled with shock. The relief feeling wasn't as strong this time, as I didn't have time to really wonder if it would happen or not. But since I knew what could happen, it wasn't anything like how a C1 while ttc#1 would of felt like. Of course, that never happened to me, so obviously I would have no idea.

All I can draw from is how I felt with C1 while ttc#1 and how my feelings of hope and want ~changed~. Of course I ~wanted~ my children the first cycle I tried to conceive, but it DID change after those first 16 months. The want turned into desperation, both for my own needs and for the want of a child. It's something I personally went through, something that I can tell you happened to me. The change of my wants. The change of my desire. The change of my feelings. And because it's something that's impossible to know and understand unless you have gone through it yourself, I'm not surprised there was disagreement. And that's okay. To get to that understanding is a big bag of monkey shit, so I'd rather people not understand my feelings.

I do want to add that I still won't ever understand the feelings of a long time ttc-er, especially those ttc#1. I know how lucky I was to conceive on C#18. And even though I'm on C#18 ~again~, I already have children. So my world is much different, even if my journey ends without a BFP this time around. I ~know~ how lucky I am. I would never go around saying I had a tragic journey or that I even had a hard time with infertility. My infertility was MINOR to true infertility. 18 cycles, 1 cycle and not 18 cycles again. Bah. Sure, 34 cycles of BFNs suck, but I've had 2 BFPs too. That gives me a 5.8% bfp rate, which is outrageous when compared to a rate of 0%. And even me would give anything to be in the "under 12 months" fertile group; I just can't imagine ttc for #1 past that 2 year mark. Past treatments. Past IVF failures. Those ladies are the true IFers, and while I wish they weren't in that group at all, I salute them.


Ahuva Batya said...

I appreciate how much thought you have put into this subject; it's been very interesting to read. When I think back to the first two years of TTC, I realize the most painful aspect was all of my friends, one by one, getting pregnant and the feeling of being left behind, of losing my circle of friends because of the inevitable wall that went up between us. Not a wall that any of us put up, but simply a wall of differnt experiences that they had, that I couldn't be a part of. I felt more loss in that way than of not having a child, if that makes any sense.

OH, and by the way. A whole cycle without dairy. OMG. You get a medal.

Io said...

Go follicles! I hope some super eggs are brewing down there.
I didn't feel qualified to comment on the last post as I have no kids yet, but I *think* that when I do finally get one of those suckers I am going to be a lot more aware of how lucky I am. Either that or I will remind them how much they cost whenever they do something bad and threaten to return them to the RE and ask for my money back.

KatieM said...

Sometimes I find it amazing I kept trying so long. I know 29 cycles for #1 isn't as long as some, but I never imagined I would make it that far...I always knew I would stop after a year or after two years or after two and half years, but I didn't. I used to look at people with C numbers in the 20's and 30's and go "wow, I can't even imagine". But the funny thing is...I guess I could because I became on of them. I guess once I got there I realized the thing that kept them going. I would have NEVER understood that if I had been one of the lucky "under 12 months" to conceive. Even though I did recently get lucky in the realm of conception I know that if that IUI hadn't turned out like it did, I would still be trying...and would have never questioned my decision to do so.

Laurel said...

Yep, it's me again.
But, I promise to try to keep it short.
I am going to comment here since the other post is so long and I have follie business to get to at the bottom of this comment.
Poltzie, thank you!
Poltzie said a lot of what I was trying to say (I just took about 500 words more than her). It is the "I can't possibly love my child as much because I had it so easy" senario. Noone here said that but I have had the feeling often enough that I am sensitive to it (plus a crappy week and just finishing a bad AF) Everytime I hear something like that, even though I am a Sag, which means eternal optimist,(I SO am) it brings me down.
End of Rant #?. Oh that is bad that I have ranted so much I don't even know what # I am on.
O.k. I am done!
Now a little cheer for your follies:
Here we go follies here we go!
(clap clap)
Here we go follies here we go!
(clap clap)
And good luck with the wand monkey tomorrow!
(this was so not short)

joyous melancholy said...

I think, maybe, one thing I learned that it isn't the length of the journey, it's the journey itself that wreaks its havoc on us. I TTC#1 for 2-1/2 years before my BFP last October. I know women who TTC#1 for less, who've been through more. I know those who've gone through a longer time and still never started ART. Time really is relative in this situation.

The common thread is IF. Once you hear that, you're in the club so to speak. And having a baby isn't necessarily a ticket out.

Some provision can be made for those who have been friends who've struggled with IF. I learned a lot by watching friends go through it. But I never really got it 'til I went through it, and I found myself going back to one of my friends five years after her own experience to apologize for the inane and unhelpful things I had said and done while trying to comfort her.

I know that I am more worried about my pregnancy than I would have been if I hadn't ventured through IF. I still fear losing this baby, at 23 weeeks. I know that my parenting style is going to be different now - not necessarily better, but definitely different. I will probably worry more and be more protective than I would have been had I conceived immediately.

And I will still continue to heal from IF, even after I hold my child for the first time. That's the thing that surprises me most - that getting pregnant didn't do that healing. IF still lingers with me, and probably will for a long long time.


i have had a conversation with friends about that very subject (loving your children so much when you experience if). it is true, those who have had some if issues totally agree. those who easily conceived will disagree. i know it is not a question of who loves their kids more, but i really belive that if'ers APPRECIATE them more. just like anything in life that you have had to work so hard for. if you grow up being given everything, you don't appreciate it. if you work hard to earn something it has more meaning. still wishing you lots of luck during this exciting time!

Chas said...

We had about 37 cycles before conceiving #1 through IVF, and even I consider myself only having minor infertility...mostly b/c once we tried IVF, it worked.

Anyway, about the follicle front...with our first cycle, by the retrieval date, I felt SO uncomfortable. Of course, it was nothing unbearable, but it was so odd to have these things growing at such a quick rate inside my body. I think there were 32 (not all mature, of course), and I swear I felt like there were at least a thousand, lol.

jyotsana said...

this was really amazing ......ur whole account of things a woman feels.

nancy said...

Appreciate is a good word. I don't think I appreciate my children more than a non-ifer does, but I know I appreciated the conception more. The fact of the BFP itself. Before I was "IF", a BFP was something I expected. After "IF", a BFP was a fucking win in the lotto.