Update on the marriage thing. And it's long.

First off, Bree, your comment made me get the biggest smile I've had in all day. You are hilarious and awesome. Thanks :)

This is a lot of dirty laundry I probably shouldn't air. I only ask that you do NOT judge prematurely and you read everything I say before making up your mind either way. I'm not embarrassed over what I'm about to discuss. It's something I wouldn't discuss with our friends, as I do believe it is a private matter, but this blog is different. His friends do not read it and only one of my "real life" friends reads it. And I trust my friend to keep this to herself. I trust her with all my heart.

This picks up where I left it ...

As he was leaving to take kids to school, I opened the garage door (he was in driveway) and asked him why he didn't say goodbye to me. He acted totally annoyed. I then said "Did something happen in Dallas?" and he was all "WHY?" and I said that he wasn't paying any attention to me. He countered with "I spent all day with you yesterday!" and he got in the car and left.

Um, okay. So when he got home I told him how he did spend an hour with me, but then the rest of the time was spent sleeping. He was noticeably irritated now and he said "I WAS TIRED!". I explained that it was okay to rest when tired, but to not try to tell me he spent the day with me when he didn't. And that's why I was upset. He asked "What do you want me to do?" and I said "Be my husband."

Whoa. That set him off.

A little background ... Over the past year with all the pain I've gone through (back injury) and all the TTC surgeries and knee & foot surgery, he's been the best husband and father ever. There were many times he did 100% of everything - taking care of me and taking care of the kids. I may not tell him enough, but I have said, many times, how I appreciate how wonderful he is. I said his actions yesterday/today were not normal and I mean that. I wouldn't trade him for any other man.

Even more background, back before we were married, we got into some really bad fights. There were only a handful of them in the years we've been together (10 years), but the ones we did have, were bad. See, I'm someone who wants to talk talk talk about something, no matter how fresh it is and to dissect it and get it taken care of. He's someone who doesn't. He has a very bad anger control problem (not physical. It's ~never~ been physical.) and just can't deal with any negativity directed towards him. I think it's all part of being an only child - a very spoiled only child. He's never had to deal with not getting his way. Or even being told his way wasn't the best thing since sliced bread.

He is VERY defensive. VERY. In the beginning, I couldn't tell him I want the towels folded a different way without upsetting him. He always would explain (later) that it was the way I say things - that I'm very accusing, but believe me, I've tried 1,000 different ways to bring up topics. So, his immediate reaction would be to retaliate. He used to say really mean things to me (let me remind you - this was very RARE. Seriously - only happened maybe 5 times in 10 years) and he'd curse. Me, on the other hand, would always be calm. I would just allow him to spew it all out to me until he gave me a chance to talk again. I have NEVER cursed at him. I have NEVER called him a name.

I'm lying. One time, as he was leaving, I said aloud, loud enough so he could hear me, "Why are you being such an ass?" and he FLIPPED out. He came back and screamed at me so loudly my ears hurt. He got so close to my face I would feel his breath. His eyes would shake in anger. He called me every name in the book. This is my husband at his very worst. This level of anger has only showed itself maybe 3 times of the 5 and hasn't happened in over 8 years. The screaming itself was always very short lived, but it's scary - as you can imagine. I had learned to just allow him to get it out and he'd storm away - maybe leaving, maybe going into the backyard, maybe sitting in another room.

I know this sounds very bad. And it may even sound like I was a victim who should have left him. And if this happened more than it did, maybe I would have left him. But five 20 second spews of anger from him wasn't the end for me. The biggest deciding factor of me not leaving was he learned to control himself. It hasn't happened for years. I can't see him still get angry with me at times, but I see the difference. He really has tried to control himself. Plus, I have learned how to not push him to this level. Back when he'd get like that, I would push push push, continue to get him to talk to me until he got like this. Now, I have learned that things I say still can piss him off just as much, but instead of trying to get him to talk, I tell him the gist of what needs talking about, I give him time, and then he comes around where he can talk about whatever the topic is.

My husband is awesome in this aspect. There has ~never~ been a disagreement where he doesn't come around to talk about it with being able to leave the anger behind. He doesn't always come back to agree with my issue, and that's okay - who would want to be agreed with on everything? But he always, and I mean ~always~, will delve into the issue as far as we need to. He doesn't just ignore it. It gets settled. And if he's wrong, he'll admit it. If there is something he needs to change, he'll work on it.

Back to today. When I told him to "be my husband", I simply meant that I just wanted him to hang out with me and talk about things a husband and wife would talk about. Just to sit around and be with one another. Instead, I think he took it as I was accusing him of ~not~ acting like my husband.

I was sitting up in our bed and we was in the hallway. We walked down a few steps to where I couldn't see him and those words I haven't heard for 8 years, I heard burning into my ears. He started cursing at me, yelling "FUCK YOU!!!" about a dozen times. He called me a "bitch" somewhere in there too. He kept saying "I can't believe you just said that to me!... I've been taking care of you for the past year!... Fuck you!!!".

This is not okay with me. I am his wife. I am the mother of his children. I deserve respect. So this is not going to be okay. Dealing with a handful of outbursts like this when we were dating was one thing and it was eventually forgiven, but not now. I am not just "some girlfriend" now. And even when I was - it wasn't okay then. After all was said and done, I told him it was not acceptable and he agreed. I would never of married him if this was something that happened all the time. We were together for over 3 years before we were married and we got through all his anger issues in the first 1-2 years. I'm not a doormat. I'm not someone who will allow this to happen to.

He stormed out into the garage and sat there. I gathered myself and opened the garage door to find him almost in tears. I said "All I meant was that I wanted you to just hang out with me like a husband and wife would do on a day off, nothing more. I know you've taken care of me more than I could count and I appreciate it. I have told you I appreciate it and maybe I need to say it more, but you know in your heart I think you have been a wonderful husband." And he said "I can't talk about this now" which I understood - as that's how we've learned to deal with big issues. It's not being dropped, it's just being dropped for the present.

He then did what he usually does when upset - he deep cleaned the house. Everything is spotless and now he's just relaxing. He's also talking to me when he needs to "do you want me to get you lunch" and things like that. He's acting like nothing happened. And so am I. But we will talk about it. Things will be discussed.

Small issues and disagreements between us happen occasionally, issues big enough to warrent giving him some time to talk about and for me to have to wait to discuss, so this is nothing new. But the gravity of this one is immensely different. He crossed a line. He cursed at me in such a vile manner, something I cannot just forgive. We'll come to a conclusion about what's bothering him. And how I can show more appreciation to what a great husband and father he can be. But I honestly don't know what I am going to do about the things he said to me. The whole "I'm sorry! I'll never do it again." isn't something that flies with me. It didn't even work on me when he did it 10 years ago. I don't play the victim. I don't allow things like this to happen with a "sorry". The reason it was forgiven in the past was I saw how he changed. I saw how years went by without it happening again. But I'm his wife now. I'm the mother of his children. I don't know how my heart is going to be able to handle this. I don't know if I can.