Tuesday, March 25, 2008

comment that just made me want to throw up.

In response to me telling my story of having my transfer cancelled, I got this response: "I have a question, when are you going to stop doing this to yourself?" (from a ~pregnant~ woman no less. Wait. No. A pregnant woman who barely even knows me.)

That's some kind of support, isn't it? Sure, it's a question that I need an answer for, but when I just told some people what was going on, I expected an "I'm sorry" or some kind of support. Not that question. Not now. Maybe when I'm in a better place, but not now. And ~definitely~ not as their immediate response.


Lori said...


This person seems not very good at empathy. Not a great quality in a parent.

This may have nothing to do with you.

Denise said...

I don't get it. Why don't people realize that we blog and share our lives for the support? Not the difficult questions that we don't know how to answer on a good day, not to mention on a shitty day.

Maybe we should change Saturday's shopping expedition into a drink instead.

Io said...

I am not beyond beating up a pregnant woman I you need me to. Just sayin'.

Poltzie said...

That is horrible! I am so sorry for you Nancy. Wishing there was something I (or anyone) could say or do to make it better.
ps. I hope you "keep doing this to yourself" because people like you should have many children!

Chas said...

This is why I'm a wuss and don't share my IF struggles with anyone in real life (other than our parents)...I don't think I could handle comments and questions like that.

No one should ever ask you a question like that. Even if you were distanced from this situation and asking yourself the very same thing, it's just an inappropriate thing to ask anyone.

Nic said...

What? I'm sorry, but I think that comment was completely inappropriate. I don't think that anyone but you can know when it is time to stop, and it is no-one who is not directly involved's business when that is, unless you choose to talk about it. Which you didn't.

I hope that you can forget about this one comment, and take comfort from all the other people who who are in your corner and rooting for you.

Momma said...

HUGS Nancy!!

apronstringsemily said...

Are you frickin' kidding me?! WTF?!
How pathetic of some people ... to get their kicks on commenting on someone else's blog about crap they feel they need to vent about?!

Extra big HUGS to you ...

s.e. said...

Although I can't imagine how frustrated you are, I somewhat understand how you feel about the comment that made you want to throw up. I found out my own sister thinks we should just skip everything. I got the "why don't you just adopt?" comment. People suck. And cancelled cycles suck more. Wishing you strength.

Anonymous said...

I love ignorant people(NOT)! I have the same issues on the 1yr board on webmd. People love to comment on things they have NO knowledge of! Just tell her to shut up and get a life. You can still kick her in the shin you know.

B said...

Dealing with their own demons much?

Seriously, the one time I made a snarky comment on someone's blog, I had to sit back and realize that the bitchiness was all about my issues and not at all about them. Now I confine the bitchiness to my own blog. Fair, no?

I hope that whoever did that can ease up on you/others and on herself. She must be in a bad place to try and hurt you.

I'm sorry that happened... on top of the horrid cycle-cancelling! Fuck. I'd take you for a drink if we were in the same time zone.

shinejil said...

response: When you [thankless pg lady] stop being such a moron,and forcing your stupidity on the world at large.

I am so sorry your transfer has been canceled. And that idiots don't understand what that means to a person.

tobacco brunette said...

That's completely fucked up. I don't know what possesses people to leave these sorts of comments. It's totally unhelpful and mean.

I'm sorry about the cycle, Nancy. It just sucks.

Thinking of you.

KatieM said...

Damn, what a bitch. Definitely NOT anyone who ever remotely went through IF, because if she did....she would already know the fucking answer to that. Not to mention it was 100% inappropriate.

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

I feel sorry for her that no one ever taught her that was a rude, stupid and inconsiderate thing to say.

--I'm so sorry about the cycle. I've been reading. I'm out here. Still adore you.

Spicy Sister said...

And this is why I hate people sometimes. What a dumbass!

I am so sorry Nancy. I know the feeling of being kicked when you are down and it really sucks. My heart hurts for you.

jamie said...

you know i'm always down for a fight. some people should think before they type!

Candi B. said...

OH MY GOD! You can't possibly be serious! Wait...yes you can...people are f-ing idiots. I feel very bad for that kid. He certainly hit the genetic jackpot, huh? DON'T take it to heart. Focus on getting pregnant so your baby can kick her baby's ass!

Ahuva Batya said...

Whatever happened to the basic idea of doing no harm? I'm so sorry Nancy. You don't deserve that kind of assholeishness ever, but especially now.

Jen said...


There are moments when no words can make a situation better, when sorry doesn't seem enough. But to opt for the stop-doing-this-to-yourself-route leaves me speechless.

Whatever her reason, her issues with herself, insecurities, etc., she should have just bit her tongue and said I'm sorry because that is what you deserve.

Support, hugs and love. Not this.

Most of all, I'd like to know what she thinks you are doing to yourself and why it's her business...

Now I think I want to throw up!

trisha said...

Nancy, in all fairness, I am unsure that people who have not been through it always understand. And on top of that, they are unsure of what to say or when to say it..meaning, is it the right time to be a friend, the right time to ask the hard questions, the right time to just be supportive, or to give a slap to someone. Im not just saying in THIS case, but in ANY case.
You and I both know that she doesnt deserve any of the nasty comments left here either..she is a good parent, and a good person, she felt she had an honest question from her perspective.
She is not you and you are not her, so neither one of you know what the other person thinks, feels, etc.

I know that I have no inherent desire to have any more kids. I think that you and I discussed this once. Becuase of that, I can definatly have sympathy for someone who cant, but I cant really relate in a "totally desirable, the only thing i think of" way. Because of this, I can only think one particular way. I can say im sorry and I am here if you need to vent, but i also think of OTHER things to, like are you ok, is this healthy for you, etc.

Does it make me a bad person to think those things and ask them as a friend? Hell, I dont know.

But just so you know, when i saw the comments, I took them off the page and all related to them.

As an admin, im sorry you felt uncomfortable when you needed support.

As a friend, Im trying to understand and learn more each day so I can relate to your feelings.


ps if anyone is wondering, it was NOT me that said it.

nancy said...

Trisha -

Thanks for your comment. I just wanted to tell you that I was able to vent about it here because it really hurt me. And as you can see by all the supporting comments, it's how MANY of us would feel.

I understand that not everyone should understand what I (or any IFer) is going through, but everyone should know when it is the right time to ask the hard question. As you can see, it wasn't the question I had issue with, it was the timing. Had an "oh my, I'm so sorry. And I wanted to ask a question.." prefaced her question, it would have been TONS better.

About the "nasty" comments left here, like I said above, it really hurt me. And since I know she doesn't read this blog (we don't even talk to one another. Ever), I felt it was safe to talk about it here. As you can see, I kept it very anonymous, not saying her name or where it was said. Just that I got a comment than MANY of my readers would understand my sentiment. I by ~NO MEAN~ would mean her harm - that's why I simply thanked her for dropping the subject. I didn't get into it with her when I really wanted to bite back in disgust. But since we are ~not~ friends or even talk to one another, I just let it go there, where it would have turned into some big thing, which I didn't want it too.

And thank you for removing those comments where they were written. I got 6 IMs immediately after she posted that to me - before I even returned comment. So I know it wasn't just me being emotional.

Please know that this is my place to pour out my feelings. I will never talk smack about anyone just for the fun of it. I will, however, discuss happenings in my life. And her comment was just another comment that us IFers have to endure. It hurt me so I talked about it with "my girls". Their responses, some very aggressive, just goes to show how hurtful that was - to ask a question like that without giving support.

Again, I knew you and maybe K, T and Q may see it, as I think they are my only blog readers, but I knew none of them would case drama and that's why I felt it "safe" to talk about. I wasn't trying to talk about HER, more than the comment I received and the 'condition' she is in to ask such a question. I couldn't even believe she asked me it! I could see YOU asking it (or anyone who I am genuinely friends with because like I said, it IS a quesiton that I need to have an answer for. And I would think anyone who actually cares about me would be interested knowing the answer too), but a virtual stranger, a pregnant stranger, and the timing, well, I still think it's unacceptable, regardless if she understands the situation or not. I really hope you can see my reasoning of 1) why I thought it was safe to post here and 2) why it was a subject that I even wanted to talk about.

And totally no need to apologize! I got support from everyone else.

P.S. Your comment "but i also think of OTHER things to, like are you ok, is this healthy for you, etc. Does it make me a bad person to think those things and ask them as a friend? Hell, I dont know." No - it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a good friend. And I can't thank you enough for even caring enough to ask me these things. They are all valid questions. But there is a timing aspect to it. You don't ask me when I'm sobbing so hard I can't breathe. And you certainly don't assume something such as "ignore everyone else involved". How in the world would she have ANY idea of what I'm doing in my personal life?

Ugh. I'm going on and on and I've already said what I wanted to. :)

nancy said...

good lord - that was a HUGE comment. heh. You can't tell how big they are in these little comment boxes!

trisha said...

I can apprieciate the timing, which is why I felt the need to remove the comments. I know 100% that you need nothing more then support right now, and I agree, there was a time and a place and this was not the time.

Also, im not in the slightest bit upset that you vented here regarding it. Its your blog, and it affected your life. I dont feel that you disrespected anyone in the slightest. Im glad you got it out and more importantly, im glad that you have support over it here.

I know what its like to just want someone to say "ill kick their butt, ill defend you" becuase it means you have someone that understands your deepest feelings.

I really regret that you didnt get that 100% the other day and Ill work harder to not only emphasize that to everyone, but to also continue to work and understand other IF moms like yourself and relate in any way I can, even if its just to defend.


trisha said...

btw, i totally forgot she was PG, so yeah..a little on the wrong side.

waitinginline said...

WTF is up with all the non-supportive hateful shit that's been going around lately?!?! I'm sorry you were a recipient for any sort of nastiness.

Kelly said...

I must've missed the post in question, but I won't even pretend to know how hard that was for you to read.

I've been around through most of your journey (sometimes in the way background) and wish that it would just end in a very healthy pregnancy for you.


bleu said...

I have some RL friends who have said "are you STILL trying" and said "when are you going to stop?" a few times. I no longer discuss any of the stuff with them. They don't get it and never will.
It is really a big reason why so many of us in the IF world withdraw from so much. I have at times become a total hermit.
I have to plan my outings and social engagements really well and it just sucks.
I am so sorry you had to deal with that.