None of it bothers me at all. I guess if he was going to strip clubs ~all~ the time, it'd be a different story, but the occasional strip club with the boys, I'm all good with.
I do have a silly rule when it comes to strip clubs though. There is a no sex rule when he comes home. I guess I just don't like the idea he'd be thinking of some stripper when having sex with me, so there is a one night waiting period. I don't think that's too much to ask.
So what about you? Are you cool with nudie magazines and strip clubs?
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21 comments:
Hi Nancy,
There was a great discussion in the comments section of this thread on this subject:
http://herbadmother.blogspot.com/2010/09/problem-with-porn.html
I think it's a complicated issue. I think if you aren't talking about these activities in the context of sex addiction, it's one thing. I do think that it can be a dance with the devil for some people ... just like other addictive substances and activities. If it's a substitute for something that's lacking in your life or your relationship, that's different situtation than if porn is just an occasional tool/sex toy/aide.
I have some serious questions about the karma of porn ... the exploitation of women and the degree that it contributes to unhealthy attitudes and objectification of women, toward a culture of violence toward women ... I wouldn't want my daughter doing that for a living. And for the same reasons that it's not okay for her, it's really probably not okay for anyone. Would you want your daughters to work in that industry?
My DH doesn't go to strip clubs (as far as I know lol) ... I think clubs would bother me. Porn and magazines ... not so much as long as it's in the context of a healthy sex life and a healthy relationship.
Well, PaleMother pretty well covered my views too. I'm not completely comfortable with strip clubs but it hasn't been much of an issue - the only time my husband went to one since I've known him, it was for midget wrestling. And it was an afterthought - he and a friend had been to an MMA event next door, and a guy they knew from work got them in for free.
Mostly he's into internet porn - as long as it's free. So, I don't really worry too much about it taking over his life.
At the risk of sounding like a prude- I have issues with both. Pale Mother listed most of my main reasons. Plus, I have stricter thoughts on what counts as "cheating" than most people may.
DH used to have a Ma.xim sub & I didn't mind that, we also get the Fre.deri.cks catalogue ( because we buy stuff through them). I will also admit that we've been into adult stores, but I'm picky about them being nice ones & not in the "sleazy" part of town.
My husband never indulges in either. He thinks in very black and white terms, and the minute we got engaged the very small amount he had on his computer, he deleted, as he felt it wasn't appropriate for a married man. The only time he's been at a strip club, he was taken there for his bachelor party, and went to one for his best friend's bachelor party.
I feel pretty much the same as Palemother.
I have no issues with T endulging in porn or clubs. Over the years he has determined that he does not like clubs. He used to go a couple times a year with buddies, actually I would drop them off and head out to dinner and amovie with a girlfriend, then come back to get them. On many occasions I went inside and had a drink with them, and watched a few dances too.
Like you, I have a no sex rule after clubs.
Now videos is different. We sometimes watch them together (well 6 minutes worth at least lol) but that generally leads into sex. But I am certain that he also watched them on occasion once I go to bed, which frankly is fine by me.
Sexual urges are natural, and I am not always able (or willing) to endulge. The same goes for him, which is why I have my own stash of personal toys....for those nights I "just want to go to bed" :)
TCW, I didn't even think of movies. My husband has a handful of them and we don't watch them together, which means he watches them in his own. Occasionally, I find one still in the DVD player or a case laying out on the dresser, which doesn't bother me one bit. I, like you, think sexual urges are natural and if he wants to watch one to take care of himself, fine by me.
Funny, but I find internet porn totally gross. I think its because the raunchiest stuff is out there and too easy to find. I'm glad my husband doesn't look at internet porn at all and he sticks with his vanilla movies of normal girl-guy or girl-girl sex.
I'm not okay with my husband subscribing to nudie magazines, going to clubs, watching porn, etc. The main reason is because of the fact that it can lead to pornography addiction and having unrealistic expectations about sexual relationships in real life.
I realize that many men are able to engage in this behavior and not have obvious negative consequences, but my husband isn't one of these men. He has actually struggled with some issues in the past because of the evil of pornography and so we can't allow this kind of stuff.
I agree with Palemother. If a man has a daughter he should think of her up there dancing and if he would like other guys looking at her.
Palemother covered most of it. My hub just went to his first club a few weeks ago for a bachelor party and he found it very depressing - looking at those girls as they are someone's wife, daughter, sister, etc.
We used to get Playboy but to cut down we stopped. We've never rented/watched porno movies - unless it's on TV anyways.
Wow, we're pretty freakin boring! :)
I have a friend who is a stripper and she is a very well rounded and bright girl. She just uses what god gave her to make a shit ton of money. I guess I don't feel bad when I think of strippers because I don't think it's a bad thing.
I don't care about internet or movies. He can watch whatever he wants to get his rocks off. I would probably rather not know who he likes or what he's watching. I think I would be bothered by strip clubs, though. I think because it is a "in real life" girl who sees and intereacts with him.
Plus, honestly, I think I would feel self concious about myself after him being around and aroused by hot, young chicks.
Lucky for me though, my DH doesn't like strip clubs and thinks they are a waste of money, even though he has gone with a bachelor party or two.
I think they way you feel is very healthy though and I wish I could be as comfortable about all of it as you are. I think my issues are mainly rooted in body image issues and/or fear of cheating. I have been cheated on before, and my parents split when I was a kid due to infidelity, however neither situation was related to strippers, etc.
Mine looks at porn, and has for years, and it doesn't bother me in the least.
I can't put out every single day, and he has a very high sex drive. LOL!
The only thing that matters to me is that we are faithful, which we are. We are unique in that we were each other's firsts.
I'm with you, Nancy, on this one. I don't care at all if my husband goes to a club or looks at porn. It would be a lot different if he were doing it all the time, or going to clubs regularly or by himself. But if he wants to go for a buddy's bday or bachelor party, fine by me.
I'm also semi-grossed out by internet porn, but my hubby doesn't seem to look at it as far as I can tell. But we also have a few movies, and we watch them together. I guess I'm just realistic about human/male nature!
I'm with you, Nancy. I don't care if he wants to look at magazines or go to a strip club with the guys. I would object if he were going *all* the time as well. But he isn't. He goes maybe once or twice a year. I don't care. i'm OK with porn too so long as it isn't the violent sort (which it isn't).
Nope. Not OK. I think I am probably about the most prudish lesbian you'll meet when it comes to this. I'd like to think I can make things exciting enough at home that she doesn't have to go elsewhere to find it. If we watch something together, fine, and I likes my toys and am not particularly vanilla when it comes to at home entertainment. Part of it is that I've been to those clubs, and I don't like the way men treat women there or the unrealistic expectations and attitudes it seems to perpetuate in them out in the real world. I also don't like the way they look at lesbians in the clubs-- like something they could have if they wanted when in fact the exact opposite is true. Its like they think they're in a straight porn flick where the two lesbians actually don't mind stopping what they're doing to let a man get in on the action.
I think it completely depends on the type of strip club. In Montreal there are a lot of very classy and strict strip clubs. So, if DH ends up there, I don't really mind.
But, there are those very seedy strip clubs that are attached to an hourly rated motel... The men are offered menus at the door. Those types of strip clubs are strictly forbidden. There are only a few of those near us so it's not a huge problem.
DH is not a big fan of strip clubs in general. He only goes for bachelor parties and rarely went even when we were living downtown.
Nancy, I like the strict rule of no sex on a night when he goes to a strip club.
My Mother In Law bought me a stack of dirty rags as "inspiration" while we were going through In Vitro treatment. I donated them to the clinic, partly as a nod to all the men after me, and partly because they were some of the most hilarious and obscene magazines I've ever seen. My MIL still proudly recounts the day when she walked in the adult store and said "I need some dirty magazines for my son in law!"
Huh.... I really don't have an issue with it. Never have.
As long as it doesn't interfere with the relationship (they are reading it/looking at it and not me!)
Dave is NOT a guy into those magazines and has never been to a strip club, so it's not anything I deal with.
But in my past I've been with men that looked porn and didn't have intercourse with me. THAT pissed me off, but as for magazines... Meh... doesn't bother me.
Dave and I watch videos together on occasion.
However, I agree with your topless bar rule... totally!
As long as we can be open about it, it doesn't bother me in the least. If he had an addiction or was hiding it, then I'd have issues.
I'm not bothered by any of it. Except internet porn- but that's because one day as he was surfing he found his only other very serious ex girlfriend by random on one of the sites. So- I can't really be comfortable with anything online now.
But he has gone to a few clubs in the past & I have actually gone with him now & then. I know he's faithful and if that's what he wants to do out with the guys- so be it. I personally think male reviews are gross & don't interest me in the slightest (just on the flip side of the question) but that's more to do with the fact that women are so much ruder, cruder & disgusting as clientèle than the men at the places we went to.
The nudie bar thing was OK with me several years ago when it was for a bachelor party, but maybe it's my old age or something.
And, personally, looking at porn bothers me with the exception of doing sperm samples and when you're watching it as a couple.
That being said, if a couple has reached a mutual agreement about use of porn or strip clubs, I think whatever they are comfortable with is up to them and I respect that.
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