heartbreak.

I needed to get out of the office from the solitude of coding at my computer. I thought a lunch out would help.

I'm sitting at "noodles" waiting for my food, chit-chatting with my coworker and I start listening to the lyrics of a coldplay song playing above me. Okay, I don't even really particulary like coldplay. But still, I listen.

"Fix You"
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what you're worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

"100 miles south of Dallas"

The second IUI was completed an hour ago. I called my lovely husband while laying in the darkened room, hips propped up, waiting the obligatory "15 minutes" before leaving. (which, I asked why, as this has been proven to not do anything. And the nurse said "oh, we know - it just makes out patients feel better about it." heh.) First thing I asked was "where are you" and the answer was "oh, about 100 miles south of Dallas". So ~if~ on the slight chance I go get pregnant this cycle, I wanted to know exactly where my husband was at the moment of conception. THAT will go in the baby book.

Stats seemed okay from the frozen sample. 17 million w/ 68% motility. That's a grand total of 11.6 million men in there, trying to find 2 eggs. Yup. I let go of those two beautiful eggs.

The 3rd follicle was presently sitting at 17x18mm (up from 15x15 yesterday). The RE said he couldn't quite tell me what was happening with it.
~ It could have grown big enough, released and is now collapsing.
~ It could have just grown to this size from yesterday and could still release within the next day.
~ It could have just grown to this size from yesterday and it just going to shrink back down (which is the most likely option)

My lining was up to 8.1 - ~much~ better. I'm to take the estradiol for 3 more days. Then the progesterone test in 7 days and then of course, the beta in 14.

The second insemination was not scheduled, as I had obviously already ovulated, so a 2nd insemination tomorrow would essentially be too late. We were, however, told to do a bunch of "homework".

It was strange today. Just knowing my husband was so far away, not even thinking of the insemination, made it awkward. I wished I could of been on the phone with him during the IUI, but he's in the car with some buddies in Texas, so that would of been uncomfortable for him. I just hope that my hope alone was enough. I sat and watched the miracle of anatomy happening, as we watched, under ultrasound, at my tubes "sucking up the sperm" (my RE's words) and all I could do was quietly hope underneath all the science.

"Are you okay with the idea of multiples?"

I had my cd13 follicle check this morning and things look GOOD!

Here is what I have, all on the left:
~ 25.9 x 21.1
~ 20.9 x 16.6
~ 15 x 15

The first two will definitely be released. The third may still catchup from all the hormones, but most likely not.

Okay, I know that I've had no luck getting ANY eggs to catch the sperm, but just the idea that I have 2 (maybe 3) out there, freaks me out a bit.

My lining grew too. It's at a 5.1, which is "okay" before O, but they wanted to see a 7. So they put me on 1mg of estrace (estrogen) to help build it up over the next week in case there is an egg for it to catch. Gotta have a nice snuggly place for them to land right? Ack. Did I just type "them" without thinking? Good lord.

I was triggered today and have my insemination via frozen sperm Saturday. And then so far, they'll want me in again Sunday morning for a 2nd insemination - using a fresh sample since Tom will be home. But, that may change based on how quickly these eggs may be released.

So yup. I've got something to look forward to again.

My future child could be frozen right now.

I dropped off Tom's sample this morning at the RE's office. As I pull the little baggy containing the cup out from under my sweatshirt (they say to keep it warm and this aspect messes with me. How warm? Do I need to put a little cup sweater on it? Or do I actually have to keep it body temp by keeping it tucked inside my own clothes? Which weirds me out even more, that I'm keeping a cup of sperm tucked inside the top of my jeans.) I think to myself, how weird that I'm delivering what I hope to be 1/2 of my future child in a cup.

Then I think how weird it is that the possible 1/2 of my future child is about to be frozen.

Then I think how weird it is that IF I end up getting the coveted BFP this cycle, how I'll get pregnant while my husband is out of town.

Science. Gotta love it.

Little update on my cycle. Today is cd12 and my monitor still showed "high" but not peak. Which is good, cause I didn't want to suddenly ovulate before I had my appointment. Having 2 follies at 18mm scared me. I'm still having quite a bit of tenderness though, so I know they are still in there growing. Tomorrow morning is my appointment and we'll see what the outcome will be. Will I need frozen spermscicles to be thawed out to try to do the job? Or will I need Tom to rush home from his trip in order to deliver a sample for a Sunday insemination? Or will we have a labor day insemination. Or even later? Who knows at this point. But I gotta tell you, I ~love~ monitored cycles. Some don't, but it makes me feel like I'm in control.

cd10 follie check.

I had my cd10 follie check today ~and~ a follow up HSS this morning at Dr Frenchy's office.

Follie check was first.
~ Looks like lefty continues to be an over achiever. 3 large follicles! 2 were at ~18x13 and 1 was at 15x12mm. He said the third one won't likely make it to be one of the dominant ones, but it's still early. The other two seemed to be very happy and plump. They just need to be plump-er. There were also a "handul" of follies under 10mm.
~ Righty also has multiple follies under 10mm, but I know by the pain I'm having that they'll be a tad bit plumper for the next checkup. Maybe not dominant, but plumper.

HSS was next.
First, may I say how much I loathe speculums? HATE them. Yes yes. HATE them. Anywho. HSS showed "remarkable improvement". Still some bits of scar tissue, but probably from the recovery/healing process itself. HSS was a tad painful today, cause he thinks he broke apart some left over adhesions. Hrm, maybe that is why I've having right sided pain. Ah-ha.

So next appointment is cd13. They said to bring trigger shot as my insemination can definitely be on Saturday. Which will suck, since Tom is out of town Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday. Ouch. My eggies ~may~ hold out until then, but just in case, he's going in for a sample thursday morning at 7am to freeze - so we can use that on Saturday, if need be. Of course, since we are going to such lengths to freeze, I won't ovulate until after he gets back.

what an appointment!

I don't have much time to update with all the info and maybe I will later if there's more to tell, but let me give the quick rundown in bulleted points ...

~ IUI #2 is a go!
~ I'll be on femara this cycle.
~ My femera dosage schedule is wacky. cd3 - 1 pill, cd4 - 2 pills, cd5 - 3 pills, cd6 - 4 pills. Weird, eh? Anyone else have a dosage schedule like this?
~ Doc said he doesn't want me to take clomid ever again. "No clomid over age 35" is his rule. So he wants me to go femera and then injects if necessary.
~ Doc said that for IUI, he sees no difference in the response of femera to the response of injects (if woman responds to both) so he wouldn't suggest moving to inject if I respond normally to femera.
~ Doc diagnosed me w/ Endo due to post surgical report showing 4+ "patches" of endo removed.
~ Side effect of having endo is corpus luteum cysts!!! Mystery SOLVED! Explains the presence of my own corpus luteum cysts. Nice to have an answer.
~ On any natural cycles I have, he will allow me to go in for an ultrasound after +opk to make sure I have released egg. Triggering will still be an option. This is GOOD.
~ Under ultrasound today, we watched the blood flow through my once-blocked tube! yay!
~ HSS will be performed during my first follie check on cd10, to check for any adhesions.

I think that's the gist of things.