(beware ... major whining ahead!)
As anyone reading may already have seen, my third uterine surgery failed. It failed to get my oven in shape to receive any buns for baking. It's still on the fritz.
And I have another surgery in 5 days.
I'm really freaked out about this one. The first one wasn't actually for ~this~ problem. It was an endo lap, so I shouldn't count it. The second surgery was the one that tried to fix the inside of the uterus. Since I went with my OB instead of my RE, I was able to rationalize the failure with the fact I didn't go with the "expert". I figured I made a bad decision and was paying for it by having to endure a third surgery. But when that 3rd surgery failed - the surgery performed by the expert - well, that one got to me.
This is the last chance to get my oven in working condition. They are not going around the sides anymore, they are just going to try to "snip" it out. The amount of scar tissue being built from the surgeries alone is going to start damaging the oven to where it's unrepairable. This is my final service call. This is it.
It's really hard for me to go through month after month and not being able to join in a cycle of trying. I know there are a lot of other girls who fall into the "no chance" category, as in they try to no avail to ovulate, but it's hard to explain, especially to them, how it feels to not even get the chance to try. I understand the outcome is the same in both cases and they equally suck ass, but there's something about having a plan and having the hope of "maybe this will work" that I yearn for. I can't tell you if the bigger diappointment of failed hope is worse than the daily disappointment of no hope at all or vice versa, but I don't really think that matters. It all sucks.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
The ~cutest~ bow holder EVER!
(children mentioned)
Look at this bow holder I just got!!!
I purchased it from Bambina Ballerina, which is a the home business of a friend of mine.
She makes these beautiful bow holders, which not only do I desperately need, but I just ~love~ so much. See, Ella's hair is out of control. I want it to be long and all one length, so I need to hold the front of her hair back. I do this using barrettes and bows. For everyday going to school things, I use those cheapo plastic barrettes, but for everything else, I've been buying really cute hair bows. I obviously want to keep the nice ones organized, but I also need a place for the cheapos too. No matter how cheap something is, it adds up when you have to keep buying them.
Well, this product is it. You just clip on the barrettes/bows on the ribbons and voila! Organization.
The girls just love it too. But then again, what little girl ~wouldn't~ want a complete ballerina outfit hanging in their room/bathroom? And what mother wouldn't want to organize these little things that are used every day? Last thing I need is another basket full of stuff.
And yes, I know the woman who makes these. But I'm totally ~not~ trying to kiss ass here. First of all, when have any of you seen me kiss ass? (it's kind of funny too, because me and this woman haven't always gotten along. We do now and I totally respect her and she IS my friend, but it's a little humorous side note). Secondly, I'm not trying to "sell" this to any of you. I ~am~ recommending this, totally, because I love it to death. But I surely don't get diddly for telling you about this, but you will get diddly out of this because if you have a girl, if you are having a girl or you have a girl in the future, this is something you ~need~ to know about!
Okay, back to the previously scheduled IF crying/whining. I never gush over products, but this one thrilled me more than the average "thing". Which reminds me, I got the most beautiful gift from my friend and ttc buddy, Jewels. She sent me an entire gift package of ttc gifts/talismans, which I want to take the time to blog about. I would talk about them right here, but it needs to be its own post, definitely. I've been meaning to tell you all about it for awhile now and I kick myself in the ass for not doing it yet, but I will soon.
Look at this bow holder I just got!!!
I purchased it from Bambina Ballerina, which is a the home business of a friend of mine.
She makes these beautiful bow holders, which not only do I desperately need, but I just ~love~ so much. See, Ella's hair is out of control. I want it to be long and all one length, so I need to hold the front of her hair back. I do this using barrettes and bows. For everyday going to school things, I use those cheapo plastic barrettes, but for everything else, I've been buying really cute hair bows. I obviously want to keep the nice ones organized, but I also need a place for the cheapos too. No matter how cheap something is, it adds up when you have to keep buying them.
Well, this product is it. You just clip on the barrettes/bows on the ribbons and voila! Organization.
The girls just love it too. But then again, what little girl ~wouldn't~ want a complete ballerina outfit hanging in their room/bathroom? And what mother wouldn't want to organize these little things that are used every day? Last thing I need is another basket full of stuff.
And yes, I know the woman who makes these. But I'm totally ~not~ trying to kiss ass here. First of all, when have any of you seen me kiss ass? (it's kind of funny too, because me and this woman haven't always gotten along. We do now and I totally respect her and she IS my friend, but it's a little humorous side note). Secondly, I'm not trying to "sell" this to any of you. I ~am~ recommending this, totally, because I love it to death. But I surely don't get diddly for telling you about this, but you will get diddly out of this because if you have a girl, if you are having a girl or you have a girl in the future, this is something you ~need~ to know about!
Okay, back to the previously scheduled IF crying/whining. I never gush over products, but this one thrilled me more than the average "thing". Which reminds me, I got the most beautiful gift from my friend and ttc buddy, Jewels. She sent me an entire gift package of ttc gifts/talismans, which I want to take the time to blog about. I would talk about them right here, but it needs to be its own post, definitely. I've been meaning to tell you all about it for awhile now and I kick myself in the ass for not doing it yet, but I will soon.
AF sucks.
AF usually means a new "beginning" to start trying again. Even on a tab cycle, it's at least the beginning of that break. Another cd1 closer to when you get to try again.
But this cd1 isn't anything. It's a day I get cramps and spend money on tampons. I still would have had surgery next week if I didn't get a weird period. I still will have to take at least 4 weeks of meds after my surgery before I'm allowed to induce a cycle.
So this cd1 means absolutely nothing. All it does is add another cycle to the ttc tally. And it really kinda sucks.
But this cd1 isn't anything. It's a day I get cramps and spend money on tampons. I still would have had surgery next week if I didn't get a weird period. I still will have to take at least 4 weeks of meds after my surgery before I'm allowed to induce a cycle.
So this cd1 means absolutely nothing. All it does is add another cycle to the ttc tally. And it really kinda sucks.
Here's a new one. cd1
It was supposed to be cd20 today. I'm ON birth control pills. Yet I started bleeding heavy like cd1 this morning.
WTF?
I have a call into RE's nurse, so we'll see (man, I'm sending them the gift baskets right now). My surgery is still 6 days away, so that should still go as planned, but weird-o.
update: I'm to double up on birth control pills tonight and tomorrow and everything proceeds as normal.
WTF?
I have a call into RE's nurse, so we'll see (man, I'm sending them the gift baskets right now). My surgery is still 6 days away, so that should still go as planned, but weird-o.
update: I'm to double up on birth control pills tonight and tomorrow and everything proceeds as normal.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
The 3rd towel rack is down for the count.
My husband broke the ~third~ towel rack this morning. And of course, he did it in "tommy boy" style ... Put his towel somewhere else so when I put my towel on the rack, it crumpled down to the floor.
He uses the rack as a freaking handle when he dries his feet when he gets out of the shower. I'm so seriously annoyed.
He uses the rack as a freaking handle when he dries his feet when he gets out of the shower. I'm so seriously annoyed.
Monday, December 3, 2007
What's that smell?
Sara had quite a funny post recently, in which I wanted to reply the following conversation I with my OB one day. It got to be too damned long for a comment, even for me, so I'm posting it here.
Scene - I was sitting in the exam room of my OBs office, waiting for my turn. Since I was naked from the waist down, the reading materials within arm's length were pretty limited. What I ended up with was a flip chart of gyno diseases. I had flipped to a particularly nasty looking picture and started to read to learn more about it. The description I read was ~"... distinguished by green frothy discharge ..." and at that exact moment, my ever smiling and wonderful OB walks in.
Dr looks at me questionably due to the look of horror and disgust I wore.
Me: "frothy?"
Dr: "Oh yes. It's quite smelly too."
Me: "Oh my god. And poor you, these rooms have very little ventilation!"
Dr: Laughing, "Comparatively speaking, the smell isn't too bad, but there are times I wish I could open a window."
I look at him with the "please continue" quizzical look on my face. He has known me for almost 4 years at this time and we always joke around, so he continues without me having to ask.
Dr: "There are two horrible smells in this world. Number one is a GI bleed."
This was kind of funny to me to begin with, as one of my best friends was a nurse in the GI (Gastrointestinal) lab at the time and she always told me the gross stories. These stories made another one of our friends literally gag each and every time. Well, just a day or so before this exchange between me and my OB, my nurse friend told me they go through cans and cans and cans of "fecal odor eliminator" whenever a patient had an "issue". She said if you woke up in the GI lab after a procedure with the smell of deodorizer all around, it meant you shit yourself, which I found hilarious.
Me: "Ah, I've actually heard this. And does the number two smell have anything to do with 'froth'?"
Dr: "Number two is the smell of a lost tampon."
Me: "Oh my."
Dr: "Yes. I have to hold my breath once I am about to pull it out. I wear two rubber gloves, folding it in the first glove as I remove it. Then I put it directly into a plastic bag and have a nurse take it out to put in the hazardous waste immediately. I have a third nurse in the room just so I can have it taken out right away. And the smell lingers."
I'm looking a bit shocked.
Me: "Gross. And this happens often?"
Dr: "More times that you'd think."
Me: "Really? Like more than once a year?"
Dr: "We usually get one a week."
Nice.
Scene - I was sitting in the exam room of my OBs office, waiting for my turn. Since I was naked from the waist down, the reading materials within arm's length were pretty limited. What I ended up with was a flip chart of gyno diseases. I had flipped to a particularly nasty looking picture and started to read to learn more about it. The description I read was ~"... distinguished by green frothy discharge ..." and at that exact moment, my ever smiling and wonderful OB walks in.
Dr looks at me questionably due to the look of horror and disgust I wore.
Me: "frothy?"
Dr: "Oh yes. It's quite smelly too."
Me: "Oh my god. And poor you, these rooms have very little ventilation!"
Dr: Laughing, "Comparatively speaking, the smell isn't too bad, but there are times I wish I could open a window."
I look at him with the "please continue" quizzical look on my face. He has known me for almost 4 years at this time and we always joke around, so he continues without me having to ask.
Dr: "There are two horrible smells in this world. Number one is a GI bleed."
This was kind of funny to me to begin with, as one of my best friends was a nurse in the GI (Gastrointestinal) lab at the time and she always told me the gross stories. These stories made another one of our friends literally gag each and every time. Well, just a day or so before this exchange between me and my OB, my nurse friend told me they go through cans and cans and cans of "fecal odor eliminator" whenever a patient had an "issue". She said if you woke up in the GI lab after a procedure with the smell of deodorizer all around, it meant you shit yourself, which I found hilarious.
Me: "Ah, I've actually heard this. And does the number two smell have anything to do with 'froth'?"
Dr: "Number two is the smell of a lost tampon."
Me: "Oh my."
Dr: "Yes. I have to hold my breath once I am about to pull it out. I wear two rubber gloves, folding it in the first glove as I remove it. Then I put it directly into a plastic bag and have a nurse take it out to put in the hazardous waste immediately. I have a third nurse in the room just so I can have it taken out right away. And the smell lingers."
I'm looking a bit shocked.
Me: "Gross. And this happens often?"
Dr: "More times that you'd think."
Me: "Really? Like more than once a year?"
Dr: "We usually get one a week."
Nice.
I just spent $880.47
On my lunch break, I started (and finished) Christmas shopping. Previous to today, I did have the PS3 I got the hubby already. Oh - and I had 2 movies for the kids, but other than that - Nada. And now it's already over.
I'm not completely done really. I still have to buy the following:
~ gift card for brother
~ material to make blanket for hubby's aunt
~ gift cards for: milkman, mailman, garbageman and paperboy
~ candy for stocking stuffers
In regards to all the presents I had to buy everyone, I'm done. And thank goodness, cause I'm just about flat ass broke.
Ugh. I don't even want to think about the wrapping I have ahead of me.
I'm not completely done really. I still have to buy the following:
~ gift card for brother
~ material to make blanket for hubby's aunt
~ gift cards for: milkman, mailman, garbageman and paperboy
~ candy for stocking stuffers
In regards to all the presents I had to buy everyone, I'm done. And thank goodness, cause I'm just about flat ass broke.
Ugh. I don't even want to think about the wrapping I have ahead of me.
Seriously, slept through the night at under 4 weeks?
My poll is still going down below, but I'm amazed there has been ~three~ voters who have said "under 4 weeks"!!!
First of all, I'm simply insanely jealous. I've only been sleeping through the night for a little more than 3 months now (since that is when #2 decided she'd do it) and I couldn't imagine how it would be if I've been sleeping for more than 2 years! ahhhh.
Secondly, I just can't comprehend it. Really? 4 weeks? Like a full night? If so, this leads me to my question. And I am ~not~ questioning any one's parenting skills here at all. But only repeating what was told to me by my breastfeeding book. I read, which quite surprised me, (paraphrased) ~"A newborn breastfed baby will happily starve itself to death while sleeping". Yeah. It was said that bluntly. Of course, my pediatrician didn't tell me it like that, but he did say I needed to wake the baby because breast milk digests very quickly, hence the need of having to wake them up to eat every two hours. He said to only do this for the first 4-6 weeks, afterwards, let them sleep if they do.
So, for the ones who had early sleepers, were they formula fed? Were they breastfed and they would sleep through the night if you didn't wake them? Or was your information about having to wake them not forced down your throats like it was mine? Did they sleep like this from early on and that's just how it was? They've slept through the night since under 4 weeks?
I know if I was the mother being asked this line of questioning, I would feel defensive and offended. So please understand I am not asking anyone it like I even think for a moment anyone was starving their children! I strongly believe many different types of feeding (breastfed, formula, early cereal) and schedules of feedings (every 2 hours, waking, not waking, etc) are completely up to the mother and child. Mothers know their babies and know then they need to eat. I'm simply just curious because of the information given to me and for the experience I had.
That's it. I'm just curious and if anyone wants to answer, please do. If you want to tell me to stick it up my ass, you can do that too! What I expect to hear is that information of waking up a baby to eat wasn't told to everyone or wasn't made to be so important, especially if it wasn't within the past 3 short years. And, the whole thing of "starving to death" is just plain silly. While a newborn baby who sleeps may be ~really~ hungry when they wake up on their own, and they may have even eaten if woken up during their sleep, it's not like going a night without food would starve them! I think my book said that for emphasis and it scared the brand new mother in me. And, of course, I'm still jealous there are babies out there who are good sleepers!
First of all, I'm simply insanely jealous. I've only been sleeping through the night for a little more than 3 months now (since that is when #2 decided she'd do it) and I couldn't imagine how it would be if I've been sleeping for more than 2 years! ahhhh.
Secondly, I just can't comprehend it. Really? 4 weeks? Like a full night? If so, this leads me to my question. And I am ~not~ questioning any one's parenting skills here at all. But only repeating what was told to me by my breastfeeding book. I read, which quite surprised me, (paraphrased) ~"A newborn breastfed baby will happily starve itself to death while sleeping". Yeah. It was said that bluntly. Of course, my pediatrician didn't tell me it like that, but he did say I needed to wake the baby because breast milk digests very quickly, hence the need of having to wake them up to eat every two hours. He said to only do this for the first 4-6 weeks, afterwards, let them sleep if they do.
So, for the ones who had early sleepers, were they formula fed? Were they breastfed and they would sleep through the night if you didn't wake them? Or was your information about having to wake them not forced down your throats like it was mine? Did they sleep like this from early on and that's just how it was? They've slept through the night since under 4 weeks?
I know if I was the mother being asked this line of questioning, I would feel defensive and offended. So please understand I am not asking anyone it like I even think for a moment anyone was starving their children! I strongly believe many different types of feeding (breastfed, formula, early cereal) and schedules of feedings (every 2 hours, waking, not waking, etc) are completely up to the mother and child. Mothers know their babies and know then they need to eat. I'm simply just curious because of the information given to me and for the experience I had.
That's it. I'm just curious and if anyone wants to answer, please do. If you want to tell me to stick it up my ass, you can do that too! What I expect to hear is that information of waking up a baby to eat wasn't told to everyone or wasn't made to be so important, especially if it wasn't within the past 3 short years. And, the whole thing of "starving to death" is just plain silly. While a newborn baby who sleeps may be ~really~ hungry when they wake up on their own, and they may have even eaten if woken up during their sleep, it's not like going a night without food would starve them! I think my book said that for emphasis and it scared the brand new mother in me. And, of course, I'm still jealous there are babies out there who are good sleepers!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
(updated, please revote!) Those with children, take my poll!
(updated - for those who voted, please vote again! It was pointed out how I had the list wrong and I missed quite a chunk of time! Ack. Please revote for me, please?)
I put up a poll over on the right side, down below the BlogHer ad. I've allowed the ability to give multiple answers, so please answer one time for each child you have.
I had to redo the poll since someone voted while I was writing it, so it wouldn't allow me to add in any more answer options. Sorry to whomever voted already!
My experience was ~so~ different with each child. Ella, my angel from the beginning, slept through the night at 11 weeks. And I'm not talking the technical definition of 6 hours. I'm talking 9pm-7am. She was exclusively breastfed, so this was quite a feat! (She could have even done it earlier, but you know how you have to ~wake~ a sleeping breastfed baby to eat for those first few months.)
This is actually why I chose to ttc again so quickly. Well, not entirely. Since it took so long to conceive Ella, I thought I'd get those BFN months behind me. But if on the slim chance I did conceive quickly, I was okay with it. (heh. Little did I know!)
Allison slept through the night starting on the night of her 2nd birthday. (I actually asked her to do it in her birthday card as a joke. Who knew that it would be all it took! I'd of asked over a year before!) In those first 2 years, she slept through maybe 4 times total - and those were random. She's wake up, on average, 3-10 times a night. We tried everything. Noise. Quiet. Chilly. Warm. Something with my scent. Footed jammies. No jammies. In between jammies. Swaddling. Feeding before bed. No feeding before bed. Different bedtimes. Cry it out. Sippy cups. You name it, we tried it. Our pediatrician said that it's just the personality of some babies. Hubby and I took turns waking up at first, but we would both be zombies. So we decided to switch nights completely. I'd wear earplugs since I would hear her on his night too, like any mother would. At least this way, every other night was a night of sleep for us.
This made me wonder what your experience was! Let me know! Please answer my poll and feel free to comment.
I put up a poll over on the right side, down below the BlogHer ad. I've allowed the ability to give multiple answers, so please answer one time for each child you have.
I had to redo the poll since someone voted while I was writing it, so it wouldn't allow me to add in any more answer options. Sorry to whomever voted already!
My experience was ~so~ different with each child. Ella, my angel from the beginning, slept through the night at 11 weeks. And I'm not talking the technical definition of 6 hours. I'm talking 9pm-7am. She was exclusively breastfed, so this was quite a feat! (She could have even done it earlier, but you know how you have to ~wake~ a sleeping breastfed baby to eat for those first few months.)
This is actually why I chose to ttc again so quickly. Well, not entirely. Since it took so long to conceive Ella, I thought I'd get those BFN months behind me. But if on the slim chance I did conceive quickly, I was okay with it. (heh. Little did I know!)
Allison slept through the night starting on the night of her 2nd birthday. (I actually asked her to do it in her birthday card as a joke. Who knew that it would be all it took! I'd of asked over a year before!) In those first 2 years, she slept through maybe 4 times total - and those were random. She's wake up, on average, 3-10 times a night. We tried everything. Noise. Quiet. Chilly. Warm. Something with my scent. Footed jammies. No jammies. In between jammies. Swaddling. Feeding before bed. No feeding before bed. Different bedtimes. Cry it out. Sippy cups. You name it, we tried it. Our pediatrician said that it's just the personality of some babies. Hubby and I took turns waking up at first, but we would both be zombies. So we decided to switch nights completely. I'd wear earplugs since I would hear her on his night too, like any mother would. At least this way, every other night was a night of sleep for us.
This made me wonder what your experience was! Let me know! Please answer my poll and feel free to comment.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
I've lost 12 pounds!
I weighed in this morning to see the numbers 1-4-0!
Pretty exciting! I was at my very heaviest a few months ago, 152 lbs, which is what prompted me to start the "delivery diet" of pre-packaged foods. My God, the food sucks so much ass, it's like a ass vacuum, but I'm losing. I've really only lost 5 lbs on the diet, as the other 6 was lost in the months before starting it.
This diet is so terrible. I shouldn't say the diet. The diet, meaning my eating plan, is great. The main entree portions are small, which is training my brain to know just how much I really should serve myself. Along with the main entrees, lots of fruits and veggies go along with it. I was quite shocked when I found out just how much ~more~ food I had to buy/prepare on my own, but I'm glad it worked out this way. Due to the food sucking so much, there are many, many, many times I can't eat it. I just can't. I just can't tell you enough how BAD the food is. But due to all the fruits and veggies on the menu, I'm never hungry.
I wonder how much the scale would show in lost pounds if I wasn't working out in derby so hard. I am gaining muscle, no doubt about it, so that's most likely showing less of a loss because of it.
I'm not worried about it at all, in fact I'm glad I'm gained muscle. This was me at 125 pounds:
(trigs in next paragraph - children mentioned)
I was so freaking skinny, yet I had zero muscle tone. It was around 8 lbs after having #2 and it was so crazy around the house, a newborn, a 16 month older baby and then going back to work after 6 months - well, I pretty much didn't eat. So I call this my "anorexic diet". Totally unhealthy, I know. I told myself it was all due to portion control, because when I did eat, I ate small portions, but the other 75% of the time, the portion was ~nada~. But it only lasted a few months because as soon as Allison was a bit older and easier to manage, things started to get back to normal.
I'm 5'7" and when at "perfect" weight (in my eyes), I wear a size 6 and I am between 130-135 pounds. Right now, at 140, I'm still in a size 8, but I can start to fit into my 6 pants. My problem areas are my belly, butt and thighs (so strange for a woman, right?) so getting into the pants is always the last step.
Enough blabbering about myself. I know this is my blog and all, but these kinds of posts are the most boring if you ask me. Thanks for letting me go on and on and on and on and ......
(even bigger triggers here. Not only are children mentioned when I'm crying about being infertile all the time, but I'm about to do the unthinkable. Complain about what I have.)
I just wanted to take a moment to explain just how freaking HARD it was to have two babies 16 months apart. A little background info: before Ella was born, one of my best friends (and neighbor) had twins. Oh my god, that was hard for her! I saw on a daily basis just how hard it was, how she pretty much got zero rest because if it wasn't one baby needing her, it was the other. And if not one or the other - it was both. This terrified me of ever having twins, but I saw how she fell into a schedule and grew to ~know~ her babies and their needs and things got easier. After that, I wasn't scared anymore.
When I got pregnant when the first was only 6 months old, I wasn't scared about how I would handle it. But boy, was I wrong. See, for me at least, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The first was too little to understand just how easy it would be to hurt the baby accidentally. Once Allison was born, I was no longer the exhausted mother of a newborn and a 16 month old, but I held a new role: "Protector". When I had the first, it was hard at first, yes. But I learned how to rest when I needed to. I learned how to get things done when the baby was sleeping or just hanging out. When Allison was born, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't leave the baby laying on her blanket in the middle of the floor to go make myself a sandwich. I couldn't leave the baby sleeping in her swing to run and take a shower. I couldn't leave the baby out of my sight. If I did (which I learned the hard way), I would come back, seconds later to see Ella sitting on Allison's head. Or holding a pillow over her face. It was all perfectly innocent, but I never thought I would have to say things like "Ella, please don't smother your baby sister".
I guess all I'm saying is it was hard. So hard I don't even remember those first 9ish months of Allison's life except from pictures and video. I don't know if I simply erased it from my memory or if I never retained it in the first place. I don't really know why I'm even talking about it either. I guess it's just because I was talking about my extreme weight loss (190 at birth and 65 lbs lost in under 8 months) and got to thinking. I wouldn't change it for the entire world now, but I can tell you with 100% certainty, I wouldn't ever do it again. And now I'm paying for it because I waited 14 months to ttc again. I wish I would have started earlier now, but then again, I kinda don't.
Pretty exciting! I was at my very heaviest a few months ago, 152 lbs, which is what prompted me to start the "delivery diet" of pre-packaged foods. My God, the food sucks so much ass, it's like a ass vacuum, but I'm losing. I've really only lost 5 lbs on the diet, as the other 6 was lost in the months before starting it.
This diet is so terrible. I shouldn't say the diet. The diet, meaning my eating plan, is great. The main entree portions are small, which is training my brain to know just how much I really should serve myself. Along with the main entrees, lots of fruits and veggies go along with it. I was quite shocked when I found out just how much ~more~ food I had to buy/prepare on my own, but I'm glad it worked out this way. Due to the food sucking so much, there are many, many, many times I can't eat it. I just can't. I just can't tell you enough how BAD the food is. But due to all the fruits and veggies on the menu, I'm never hungry.
I wonder how much the scale would show in lost pounds if I wasn't working out in derby so hard. I am gaining muscle, no doubt about it, so that's most likely showing less of a loss because of it.
I'm not worried about it at all, in fact I'm glad I'm gained muscle. This was me at 125 pounds:
(trigs in next paragraph - children mentioned)
I was so freaking skinny, yet I had zero muscle tone. It was around 8 lbs after having #2 and it was so crazy around the house, a newborn, a 16 month older baby and then going back to work after 6 months - well, I pretty much didn't eat. So I call this my "anorexic diet". Totally unhealthy, I know. I told myself it was all due to portion control, because when I did eat, I ate small portions, but the other 75% of the time, the portion was ~nada~. But it only lasted a few months because as soon as Allison was a bit older and easier to manage, things started to get back to normal.
I'm 5'7" and when at "perfect" weight (in my eyes), I wear a size 6 and I am between 130-135 pounds. Right now, at 140, I'm still in a size 8, but I can start to fit into my 6 pants. My problem areas are my belly, butt and thighs (so strange for a woman, right?) so getting into the pants is always the last step.
Enough blabbering about myself. I know this is my blog and all, but these kinds of posts are the most boring if you ask me. Thanks for letting me go on and on and on and on and ......
(even bigger triggers here. Not only are children mentioned when I'm crying about being infertile all the time, but I'm about to do the unthinkable. Complain about what I have.)
I just wanted to take a moment to explain just how freaking HARD it was to have two babies 16 months apart. A little background info: before Ella was born, one of my best friends (and neighbor) had twins. Oh my god, that was hard for her! I saw on a daily basis just how hard it was, how she pretty much got zero rest because if it wasn't one baby needing her, it was the other. And if not one or the other - it was both. This terrified me of ever having twins, but I saw how she fell into a schedule and grew to ~know~ her babies and their needs and things got easier. After that, I wasn't scared anymore.
When I got pregnant when the first was only 6 months old, I wasn't scared about how I would handle it. But boy, was I wrong. See, for me at least, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The first was too little to understand just how easy it would be to hurt the baby accidentally. Once Allison was born, I was no longer the exhausted mother of a newborn and a 16 month old, but I held a new role: "Protector". When I had the first, it was hard at first, yes. But I learned how to rest when I needed to. I learned how to get things done when the baby was sleeping or just hanging out. When Allison was born, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't leave the baby laying on her blanket in the middle of the floor to go make myself a sandwich. I couldn't leave the baby sleeping in her swing to run and take a shower. I couldn't leave the baby out of my sight. If I did (which I learned the hard way), I would come back, seconds later to see Ella sitting on Allison's head. Or holding a pillow over her face. It was all perfectly innocent, but I never thought I would have to say things like "Ella, please don't smother your baby sister".
I guess all I'm saying is it was hard. So hard I don't even remember those first 9ish months of Allison's life except from pictures and video. I don't know if I simply erased it from my memory or if I never retained it in the first place. I don't really know why I'm even talking about it either. I guess it's just because I was talking about my extreme weight loss (190 at birth and 65 lbs lost in under 8 months) and got to thinking. I wouldn't change it for the entire world now, but I can tell you with 100% certainty, I wouldn't ever do it again. And now I'm paying for it because I waited 14 months to ttc again. I wish I would have started earlier now, but then again, I kinda don't.
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