Thursday, December 6, 2007

Upcoming surgery is freaking me out.

(beware ... major whining ahead!)

As anyone reading may already have seen, my third uterine surgery failed. It failed to get my oven in shape to receive any buns for baking. It's still on the fritz.

And I have another surgery in 5 days.

I'm really freaked out about this one. The first one wasn't actually for ~this~ problem. It was an endo lap, so I shouldn't count it. The second surgery was the one that tried to fix the inside of the uterus. Since I went with my OB instead of my RE, I was able to rationalize the failure with the fact I didn't go with the "expert". I figured I made a bad decision and was paying for it by having to endure a third surgery. But when that 3rd surgery failed - the surgery performed by the expert - well, that one got to me.

This is the last chance to get my oven in working condition. They are not going around the sides anymore, they are just going to try to "snip" it out. The amount of scar tissue being built from the surgeries alone is going to start damaging the oven to where it's unrepairable. This is my final service call. This is it.

It's really hard for me to go through month after month and not being able to join in a cycle of trying. I know there are a lot of other girls who fall into the "no chance" category, as in they try to no avail to ovulate, but it's hard to explain, especially to them, how it feels to not even get the chance to try. I understand the outcome is the same in both cases and they equally suck ass, but there's something about having a plan and having the hope of "maybe this will work" that I yearn for. I can't tell you if the bigger diappointment of failed hope is worse than the daily disappointment of no hope at all or vice versa, but I don't really think that matters. It all sucks.

15 comments:

Jewels said...

Your right, it all sucks, but I know what your saying, as much as I hate the hope and failure, atleast I get to try, I find with each cycle that I cant NOT try, I try to not try but I find my self rigorsly trying harder than the last cycle. I'm so sorry hun that you can’t even do that much. It’s like watching everyone play the game, and even if there loosing, there still playing, and you still watching. ~Hugs~ This surgery has just got to work, I’m praying so hard for this to be a success.

jennifercarol said...

I can see why its freaking you out. You've got a lot riding on this surgery. I'm sending all the good thoughts I can muster your way in hopes that this surgery will finally give you the chance you need.

Our family is complete said...

I hope everything goes well with your surgery. I will be thinking of you.

Amy

Shayna said...

It all sucks equally--you shouldn't have to have this surgery, it's not fair. Everything should have been taken care of long ago, and it's just not right that you have to keep going through this just to have a chance.

I know how you feel, though. Well, that is until I gave it all up....BUT, having a plan B if plan A failed and then having plan A ~and~ B fail just sucks worse then anything else. It's like you take 1 step forward to get kicked 10 steps back.

I'm praying this is the last surgery you will ever need. Having a child shouldn't take this much effort and heartbreak and I hope this is the last of the heartbreak you'll ever have to go through.

Tammy's Thought Pattern said...

Aw, Nancy. I wish I had words that would bring comfort.

Just try to think of it as "Easy Off" for youe oven. Just enought ot get out the bad crap but not cooking the crap out of it like the self cleaning cycle.

I know that this sucks and my heart breaks for you. It is so hard to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone try when you aren't even allowed to. I can't even image how these past weeks have tore you up inside.

I love you for so many reason and your strength is one of them. You will get through this, and we will be there for you before, after adn during.

{{{HUGS}}}

Momma said...

HUGS!! I hope this one works!!!

BethH6703 said...

like we've both said before, the whole damn thing sux. but I am really really hoping that this one does the trick for you. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Kaci said...

It really does suck. Count me in your group of cheerleaders that this one works.

jenn said...

I hope against hope that this is it for you- that your bun is in perfect working order & you won't have to wait on the sidelines at all.

I really truly wish that I could give you even one of my chances, because as much as the disappointment & crushed hope really does suck- having to sit it out must be even more excrutiating.
lots of love & fingers crossed from me!

Josie said...

Nancy,

I saw a request on the Lost and Found for you, and although I've been a long-time lurker on your blog, I've never commented. My DD is the same age as your youngest - and I started ttc my #2 the same cycle you started ttc #3, a little over a year ago. I haven't had multiple surgeries, but I am in a doctor-imposed long-term holding pattern on the sidelines of ttc, and I feel for you. I actually did conceive in June of this year, but that pregnancy was ectopic and it ruptured on me at 8 weeks. I was rushed to the ER and directly into emergency surgery. I lost my right tube, 2 units of blood and literally, almost died. Because of the location of my ectopic, the doctor said she cannot be sure that the top of my uterus wasn't damaged during the rupture or surgery and told us we needed to wait a YEAR for uterine healing to try again. From what I've heard a year is extreme (6 months seems to be the high end of waiting period after EP), but frankly, this is the doctor that cut me open and saved my life and for me, it's not worth the risk simply to stick to my own ttc timeline. I'm 32 now, will be 33 when we're able to try again - and this time, I'll only have one tube. Initially, I did not want to have an AMA pregnancy, but frankly at this point, I just want more children. So, I have no advice for you - but please know you're not the only one, and it sucks. For me, I'm trying to enjoy what I have and focus on the now instead of the what might be. But that doesn't make it suck any less. This got way long, sorry. I don't know if you can see my email through this comment but I'd be happy to correspond through your waiting period - which hopefully will be over long before mine. Hang in there ...

Josie

Searching said...

I understand. Due to myriad medical conditions I can't "try" either. I want to, desperately so, but I can't. It is unbelievably painful to sit there, day after day and know you can't even try and see if it could happen. I'm so, so sorry. I'll be praying that this surgery goes well, you recover quickly, and it gives you the hope you crave.

asc339 said...

hi, support from a lurker here... waiting in limbo sucks I know... I've had 4 uterine surgeries in 5 yrs not for endo but for fibroids and related complications that resulted in losing my only pg at 21 wks to premature rupture. The past 2 yrs have been a whole lot of limbo, which as you said just sucks big time. After so long I am now on my first IVF after my last surgery with an excellent RE, and finally have a chance to bring home baby#1. I hope your surgery is a fantastic success and you can get back to healing and trying asap! deep breaths...

take care,
amy s.

chicklet said...

I think whether it fails (TTC) or you don't even get a chance to fail, they both suck. Suck suck suck. Not even being allowed to join in, seeing others get knocked up and go away, it's hard. I'm thinking all sorts of good thoughts for you for your surgery, rooting for you like you do for me. You deserve to be done with this shit.

katarinajellybeana said...

Fuck.

I wish I could do more other than feel a pit in my stomach when I read this. I see how scared you are of things well beyond the surgery itself. It kills me to see you wrapped up in this.

I won't annoy you with triteness and sunshine. I'll just sit here quietly and be with you.

nancy said...

Wow...

Thank you ALL for commenting to me. And especially for the ones who came out of lurker status to let me know there is a boat that we all seem to be in. I'll be contacting each of you soon. Thank you.