Saturday, December 8, 2007

statistics of the last 6 years.

(children mentioned)

My "ttc anniversary" is coming up. The beginning of the next month marks the 6 year anniversary of when I first started ttc#1.

Ahhh, the innocence I had back then. Although I used OPKs from the very first month, so I never left a cycle up to chance, I had no idea "TTC" would entail so much.

Stats from 01/02 - 12/07:
~ 72 months
~ 34 cycles/months spent ttc
~ 18 1/2 months spent pregnant
~ 19 months spent ~not~ ttc and ~not~ pregnant.

I find it amazing almost half of my last 6 years were spent ttc! When I think of how much I've done in the last 6 years, I just didn't realize almost half of my time was spent charting cycles, peeing on sticks, hoping and 94% of my cycles ending in Big Fat Disappointments. I'm not going to ignore the other 6% though. That 6% accounts for 2 of 34 cycles which ended in the two little girls running around my living room at this very moment. Two little girls who woke up entirely too early, making me grumpy.

Then I think about my 32 cycles of disappointment. Although they all sucked, it's not as bad as many other IFers have it. I read plenty of blogs of girls who have surpassed my itty bitty mark of 32 failures. And in breaking it down more, I've never gone over 17 cycles without a success.

And that puts things into perspective for me. Fuck yes I still hate my BFNs. And I hate not getting a chance right now. And 34 cycles of ttc IS a lot of cycles. And I have every right in the world to be pissed off. But I have to think of the good things too - this is where that perspective comes in. I have 2 beautiful (in my eyes) little girls. I ~have~ succeeded. Twice. And while the disappointment of these cycles are just as horrible as the disappointment I had when I was trying for my first, I need to remember - perspective.

Bah. Who am I kidding? It's hard to live in anyone else's shoes but your own. It's hard to look at anything else but the daily life right in front of you. Perspective and comparisons would be great to have. But all I can think of is the crap of surgery #4 in the midst of C15. And I don't like it. Maybe I'll leave that "be a better person" stuff for another day.


Fertilize Me said...

We have been TTC for #1 for 6 yrs .. 6 yrs is a long time mentally and physically to try anything. I am glad that you have successes to write about. I do hope that makes it easier some days.

to follow up on my MIL- Actually My MIL is not even 50 yet. She had my husband in high school. Most of her kids are in the Public School System still. Her youngest is almost 3..

Pamela Jeanne said...

Hey, Nancy. Thanks for your comment on my blog and for hearing me out. I think we all have much to learn from each other. I'm always particularly grateful to hear from someone with children who can still appreciate the other perspective, too. We're all in this together.

Rachel Inbar said...

You're so right about it being just like the first.

I also counted my time TTC from the time I started trying - almost 12 years. I gave birth to my first child after almost 4 years & then 2-1/2 years (and 3 IVFs) later I gave birth to twins. Shortly after they were born, I was already 'missing' someone in the house. It was like another baby was meant to be there & not getting pregnant with #4 for 5-1/2 years was really difficult. (I ended up losing that pregnancy at 13 weeks, but have since divorced & remarried and my husband and I are expecting our third child together.)

Good luck with #3!

nancy said...

Rachel, I am not counting the entire time. Just over the last 6 years, 35 cycles were ttc. 35 months out of the 70. I am not saying I've been ttc for 6 years (see what I mean?) Sorry to point this out when it's probably what you are talking about too. It's been a disagreement point before, so I wanted to make sure it was understood what I was saying :)

Congrats on your newest pregnancy!