Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A vent about males in general? Or just my husband?

I swear, sometimes I don't see the difference in me being hubby's mother or his wife.

He doesn't "take well" to negative things being said to him. Anything at all. For example, he was organizing some of his work crap in the garage last night. We were in the midst of the winter blizzard hitting half of the nation, so it was cold and he put the little space heater on. Well, he's got the greatest memory (said with the most sarcasm I can muster) and he's always forgetting to turn shit off when he's done using it. Which lead me to a wonderful surprise this morning, when I went in the garage to start my car this morning, warming it up before leaving for surgery, I saw that the heater was on - glowing bright red. Nice! It pissed me off and I wanted to go throttle him in his sleep, but instead, I just took note of it.

Tonight, after he totally blew me off all day - on a day I had freaking surgery and needed a little help (okay, that's another issue all together) - I mention "hey, you left the heater on in the garage all night." What does he say in response? "Okay" and walks out of the room.

Now this is where I don't know if it's just an issue I have with MY male, or if all males have this problem. Why in the hell can't he just accept he did something "wrong" and say "oh gosh, I'm sorry!" or anything that accepts blame? I know he didn't do it on purpose, but something more than "okay" - is it really too much to ask for? I've got plenty of options he could have said "Whoops!" "Whoa! I didn't mean to!" "Shit, I did?" "I am so lucky I didn't burn down the house by my stupid fucking mistake" "I gotta make sure I don't do that again" "sorry."

Any of those would of been acceptable. But instead, I get "okay".

I don't know if it all goes back to him being an only child and having everything done for him. He's a momma's boy - always way, always will be. It annoys me to no end, but I knew what I was getting into before I married him, so there is no one to blame here but myself. I just didn't understand that I was in for a lifetime of NEVER being able to say anything that is negative to him - whether it was a simple mistake, something he just didn't know or something I am actually pissed at because it was done on purpose.

Like this morning. I am in post op. I just got out of my 4th uterine surgery. I've got about the worst cramps ever and I just want to get home. I've been waiting for him to get me for almost 45 minutes and my cell phone rings. It's him asking me if I was at a certain surgery center. Um, no - "I'm at the one 3 minutes from the house. Are you AT the other place?" I ask, obviously annoyed. Hey, I'm in pain. I've been waiting for my husband to be there after I wake up. I'm not in the best of moods for errors regarding this situation. What does he say in response? "Oh hunny, I'm so sorry! I can't believe I'm not there. I must have not listened when you told me the details of the surgery, I'll be there as soon as I can!". Instead, I get "You didn't tell me where you were going to be!!! I'll be there in a few minutes". Click. Yeah. CLICK.

My husband is the greatest husband in pretty much all other aspects. I would have to say my only real issue with him is this very thing. He gets very defensive whenever ANY sort of negative issue comes his was. I don't know why he's like this, but it really really really sucks. I've gotten to where I don't even say anything anymore. And that's not going to work in the long run because I'll explode one day. I know I have my issues too, I'm definitely not saying I'm the angel, but I wish he'd be easier to talk to in these situations.

I know he wanted to be there for me and I know he was frustrated that he wasn't there AND he was obviously in the wrong place due to miscommunication. I know this. But that's the problem, I don't want to just "know" this. I want it to be reflected in his actions. Without it, I'm afraid of the future.


jenn said...

well- my husband is the complete opposite of a single child momma's boy- he's been independent & living on his own since he was 16 & he still has the same exact problem. With him I tend to think of it more as not having developed those communication skills. but he is very sensitive to anything that could be taken negatively.

he also does the Click. How I hate the Click with a passion. I don't know why "i'm sorry" is such a hard thing for them to say.

hoping for a child said...

damn...kick his ass! i'm pissed just reading this. i hope he's making up for it now.

Shayna said...

OMG, I have this SAME exact problem. DH isn't an only child though, he has three sisters yet he still acts like he's a 5 year old. Anytime he's in the wrong (which is a lot) he never says sorry, he only says "okay?" like as if I need to explain myself why he's wrong. Then he'll come up with this convincing excuse why he's right. It never fails.

As a matter of fact, if DH ever said sorry for anything, I would probably have a heart attack and keel over.

Aside from that, I hope you're feeling better from your surgery. Rest up and get better soon!! (((hugs)))

KatieM said...

Geez, are you sure my Thomas and your Tom aren't interconnected somehow because DH does this EXACT thing!!! It's funny you write this now because Thomas and I got into this same issue last night. He was driving a bit aggressively for my taste and I was starting to get nervous, so I point it out and ask him to stop. He counters with

"I'm not an aggressive driver, I've never had a wreck" so I respond..."Thats not the point, the point is you are making me nervous riding with you". Then he proceeds to say "Well, I don't know why, I drive just fine" to which my last comment to him (and the one that shut him up) goes "well, I know you wouldn't drive like this with our children in the car, so why do you think it is acceptable to do it with me?"

Point is...he should have just said sorry, instead of defending himself. So, yeah, I think it's a male thing (at least the ones I've known and certainly my husband).

As for the surgery thing...THAT shit was just rude! Geez!

JJ said...

Ok, this totally warrants a FULL e-mail from me--I had a very tough night with my own male, and your post was perfect timing for me today--can you email me? =)Let's vent!

Morgan said...

Something I have noticed about this whole TTC process, our Dh's never make things easier for us. It seems like as soon as we start trying harder for a baby, the more we argue. Sorry this is happening right now to ya Nancy, right now you deserve rest and TLC and I hope you can get it. My DH is the exact same way, I can't tell him anything or he takes offense and blows up, so I don't say anything and I keep everything bottled up inside..and that makes me scared of our future too. I know where you are coming from, and I hope things get better. You two have 2 great kids and trying for another, so I'm sure your future will be filled with more smiles than unhappiness. Keep your head up and i hope things get better! :)

Jewels said...

Oh, don’t even get me started, maybe it is a man thing, but I swear, I think that's one of my issues too, however Reed is so quick to point out every flaw in me, that's what pisses me off, first of all, He is an anal immaculate freak, so his complaints are so stupid, but I love him and accept him and I too chose to be with him, so I apologize and I really do try harder to please him, (oh shit, I’m a people pleaser), but when he does something wrong, I normally don’t like to point out flaws but I do it now to make the point that he’s not perfect either, well instead of a “Sorry” or anything like that, I get “ Well you did this so I did that”, I’ve told him “Don’t blame me for you actions”,
Yes, it would be so nice if men could take responsibility for their shortcomings. I mean, its not a big deal, its not what he does that pisses me off, we’re all human and make mistakes, its how he handles what he does that pisses me off.
K-I’m done with my little tangent.

jennifercarol said...

In my relationship, we're the opposite as I'm the one who frequently displays Tom's behavior. I am a poor listener and often tune my husband out. Then I miss important details and when he catches me in it I get defensive. I'm not sure what makes me so defensive, but I think it boils down to the fact that I take things very personally and don't like to feel blamed. This often leads me to overreact in these sorts of situations, which never turns out well.

I'm trying to work on being a better listener, not taking benign comments personally and not overacting, but it's tough. And if you asked Jeramy what irritates him the most about me, I think this would definitely be it because my failure in these areas comes across to him as not caring.

Anonymous said...

I can completely relate to your situation. One of my all time fav's is when my dh says, "Well, YOU DO IT TOO!".


Kinda like the "HE STARTED IT" comeback.

Makes me want to shove my foot up his ass.

Glennformer said...

I've got a lot to say about this but, since I've been pretty ineffective in being of any use to you in this area, mostly from me trying too hard, I won't say anything until you are ready to hear it--which breaks my heart. Please just know that I care and I won't give up trying to find a way to be useful in a way that you'll accept.

WiseGuy said...

DH sang Hurrah when his S/A came out great. And then he looked at me like: "Thank God, it is not me dear, it is you."

Husbands have their own special traits.... And communicating fantastically is a tough one for them.