Trick or Treat now? Are you kidding me?

I was just sitting outside on the ~side~ of my house bagging some newspapers for recycling, complete with a clay facial mask on, and two adults carrying their little girl, no more than 18 months old, came up and said "trick or treat".

It's 10:45pm here people. And 39 degrees. Are you serious? Take your little girl home and put her to bed. It's just too late for free candy.

It's over and done with.

I did it!!! I danced in front of an entire room of people. I was terrified, yet once my music started, my body knew what to do. I think. Heh. On stage, I just went into auto pilot and I'm not too sure how well I even did.

The night kinda sucked in time wise. On of my best friend's and fellow blogger, Laurel, put on her HUGE yearly Halloween party last night. I was able to attend the party from 7p-9p, then I had to go to the venue. I was planning on going back to her house and come back when it was my time, but I was so nervous I took a few liquid courage shots and decided I shouldn't be driving back and forth with alcohol in my system. So while I was watching the show, waiting for my turn, I had massive guilt to not be there with my husband and friends.

The dance, however, was thrilling for me. I didn't take off the same amount of clothes as other girls, as many took off their pants to go to thongs or even a g string - I kept everything waist down on. And I dance to 80% of the song with my body mostly covered, I don't take my corset off until the last 30 seconds, even then, I just tease the audience with opening one side than another, then I turn my back to the audience while I drop it.

As soon as my dance was over (I was the LAST girl dancing!) we had a group number called "bombshell" and we danced to that and then had graduation. We got our little diploma, picture taken and then did a shot of jager in celebration. The audience was SO supportive and amazing. I guess it helped they were all liquored up by the time us newbies went on!

I didn't take any pictures of me in my burlesque costume, but I leave you with some I took of my Halloween costume. Me, Laurel and our friend Tina were the Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus. I'll post the pictures of the 3 of us together when I get them.

I was sarah jessica parker's character. Heavy makeup, fluffy shirt underneath corset and boobies popping out...




The bottom was red thigh highs and tall black boots, underneath a flowy purple skirt...




It was fun. Except I didn't get back to the party until ~very~ late (12:30am) but we had a babysitter until 3am. Yahoo!! I got up with the kids at 7am though. There is always a downside to staying up late when you've got kids - they don't recognize when mommy and daddy want to sleep in! So 6:45am was it!

I ~got~ this routine.

Tonight's the big night.

It's Laurel's big halloween party AND it's my night to dance to my burlesque routine.

Woohoo!!!

I think I'm ready. Yay!

I want a baby.

I just wrote another post on my other blog and I said "I know my audience". Yet I type the above title and write this post.

Jeez, I can barely get started because I'm wincing at all the "fuck you"'s I'm about to receive. So really, just stop reading if you are in the throws of IF. Stop. Really. You aren't going to want to read this.

I am having a really hard time reading pregnancy blogs right now. Especially the ones of the girls who was pregnant while I was pregnant with Karl.

I don't know what it is. Is it because I know I'm done? Or is it because Karl is starting to grow out of his babyness? Or is it because so many blogs I read are close to delivering? Or because so many blogs I read are just getting pregnant again? (yes, I know. I'm so sorry to even be typing these words.)

I'm trying to work out how I can get another baby "in" before I really say I'm done. Isn't that absolutely crazy? I'm freaking naturally "infertile" so I can't have a baby without IVF. And to top it off, I scarred, ON PURPOSE, the insides of my tubes "just in case".

I'm going insane.

It's just that since my circumstances have changed, I don't want to be done. If I'm going to be a stay at home mom (for now), I may as well have all the babies I "want". (go ahead - tell me to fuck off.). I don't want to stop and say I'm all done. I want to take it all back. I want to leave that door open. I can't believe I locked, and threw away, the key.

I'm jealous. I'm absolutely green with envy. Not at anyone in particular. Just with the fact it's a chapter closed for me. Although if I think about it, I'd rather give up my chance at another for someone else searching for their first. It's just such a good book that although I already read it, I want to read it again and again.

But it's over. And I have to get used to that fact. I succeeded with the three most beautiful children and I count each one of my blessings everyday, including today. I still can't believe I'm ending with what I set out for. I couldn't be happier. I do know that. It's just that, well, ugh. I don't know how to vocalize it.

(one last chance to tell me to fuck off.)

Cortisone and your cycle.

Having back and knee issues for years, I've gotten some cortisone injections in the past. This last injection was the first time a doctor mentioned anything about my cycle.

He said that cortisone is known to "mess with" your menstrual cycle. "Mess with"? I asked?, "How so?". He tried to answer me, starting and stopping a few times and then just said "Yes, it can be messed with."

I'm so glad he told me this as I just started a cd1 flow today. Thing is, it's only cd13!

So just a heads up to any ttc-ers out there who get cortisone injections - it definitely can "mess with" your cycle!

My new header and other tidbits.

Do you know what the new header is a picture of? It's my elbow. My husband didn't even know that one. I showed it to him and he was all "Cool!" and I asked him if he knew what it was and he said "Nope." I guess I can't fault the guy, I mean, how many people really look at your elbow?

Today is Wednesday and my burlesque dance is Friday. Tomorrow if full dress rehersal. I have not only NOT gotten a dance together (a lot is in my head, but I don't have a routine) but I haven't even finished my costume. Tomorrow is my day "off" as I'll be alone all day, so I plan to work from 10a-3:30p on my dance. I'm sure I'll get something together. I mean, what else can I do? This is how I work though. I'm a procrastinator and I work the best under stress. Although I hate that I purposely put my body through stress.

Jenn found the youtube video of us dancing to Thriller here. (Thanks Jenn!) It was dark, so you can't see much, but I'm on the left and behind Hazel (the girl wearing the huge blonde afro wig). I'm wearing my hair in a ponytail and you can kindof make it out. Heh. It was so much fun.

It's snowing right now. I'm going to pull out my costume and as least maybe get the sewing done on it so I don't totally freak out. I've got tons of sequins and beads to glue/sew on, which can be done friday during the day. If I just get the main costume together and work on my routine today/tomorrow, I'll be okay. The best thing about the dance is I am spending ~most~ of my time taking off clothes. So if I can just memorize the parts I need to hit with the removals, I can just fill the in betweens with sexy dance, which I think I can do on the fly. Or not. We'll see how silly I end up looking! :)

Happy Tuesday!

I have nothing really blog worthy in my head, but I wanted to get that last post off the top. We're in the midst of October's ICLW and just didn't want that one there anymore.

Hrm.

My favorite color is orange. What's your favorite color?

Abortion.

I read Jenera's blog today about the topic of abortion and I haven't been able to shake it. She spoke of a story about a woman who wrote a book about the 15 abortions she had and even called herself an addict to abortion.

I can't really tell you more about it, as I had to click away before even finishing the article cause it pissed me off so much. (Here is a link to her blog post about it, so you can read it yourself if you'd like.) There were many reasons (reason does not equal excuse) for the abortions, something about her controlling husband and this was the only control she had, but still. Having 15 abortions is horrific, but to write a fucking "memoir" about it? Fuck. Anything for money these days.

I'm pro-choice. I am NOT pro-abortion. I am anti-late term abortions other than when the woman's life is at stake. (and for me, "late term" is a very grey and hazy line). I would never get an abortion and I think I'm even against many of the reasons women get abortions, but I am PRO CHOICE. It's their bodies, their babies, and it should be left up to them. I hate so many reasons why people have abortions, but that's neither here nor there. It's not me. It's not my body. And I don't think the government should control what we do with our bodies.

I can't help but think of that blogger I really came down hard on for her choice of abortion. She went through IVF, got pregnant with twins, and was so freaked out about having twins she aborted them. (I don't know if she transferred two or if the one embryo split to make identical twins. It doesn't really matter in my mind. If they split 8 times, okay, different situation, but twins?) It still makes my blood boil. But in my anger, I just struck out. I should have kept my mouth shut as it was her decision and I agree that it ~was~, in fact, her choice to make.

Ugh. I don't even know what I'm blogging about right now, except I just needed to get it out of my head.

13 years.

Today marks 13 years clean of my demon, heroin. I'd like to thank my body for giving me a 2nd chance and to really prove I could make something out of it.

'Cause this is Thriller, ...

... thriller night.



I took part in Thrill The World tonight. Our burlesque troupe put on the event for the Colorado Springs group. It was the world's largest simultaneous dance of Michael Jackson's Thriller. And tonight, I was part of it.

Funny, just as I was typing this, I saw a commercial for the news spot tonight. They showed the main guy I was dancing behind, so I wonder if I'll be on the news.

We all dressed up as zombies and danced the choreographed thriller dance. I learned part of the dance earlier on thursday night of this week and then we had a two hour practice session before the actual dance where I learned the rest. I finally picked it up pretty well before the performance, so I didn't look like a fool. In fact, if I may say so myself, I danced pretty damned well (for me!).

Thanks for all the comments on my previous posts. (And I still hope more people talk about their lost children in two posts behind this one.) The idea of becoming an RN seems so RIGHT for me. I would have never ever quit my job to finish my nursing degree, but now that I don't have a job, the timing couldn't be better.

Some other positives about going back to school next fall ... Allison will join Ella in going to school and I'll only have to pay for Karl in daycare. That's huge. AND, since I'm considered a senior in school (I have ~a lot~ of schooling under my belt, including a few degrees) I'll have the pick of my class times like I previously did and can totally work around their school schedules. I talked to my RN friend and she said I can even get a tech or CNA position once I'm into it and that will be a foot in the door for a job when I graduate.

I'll just get a student loan for fall semester and hopefully I'll qualify for some grants for the rest of it. I think they go off of the last year's tax returns, so 2009 will be out, as we made too much. But in 2010, we'll be a family of 5 surviving on one income and I may, just possibly, qualify for some help. I don't want to wrack up more student loans, since I've had them all paid off from my previous degrees, so hopefully I'll get lucky.