Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Forgive me, I'm pissed off.

~ I've turned off comments to this post. If you read the comments, the person who wrote it in the first place came and said it was her post and explained it. I think she was such a bigger person about it than I could ever be. So, after her explanation, I understand where she is coming from and I'm no longer upset at her post. Wow. How many of us could read a post like my "reply" post and instead of ignoring me or getting mad, she'd come back and very nicely explain where she was coming from. I think she's so awesome for doing so!)

I just read a blog of a twin mom who complained that she ~HATES~ it when moms of singletons have the audacity to complain when something is hard for them.

Look, we all have our own types of hard and for each individual person, it's hard for THEM. Remember the pain olympics? We don't play it, right?

Should I tell all the moms of triplets and quads I know to tell her that SHE has NO RIGHT to complain because she ONLY HAS TWO?

Or should I tell her that she has it easy because I had two kids 16 months apart and they were on totally different schedules and milestones and I was constantly on the go? How EASY she had it that they both needed bottles at the same time instead of one needing to be breastfed while the other one needed her beans cut up?

I read this earlier this morning (no, nothing to do with my other blog's post) and I'm still steaming mad about it.

When will the world just support people for their own hardships? Why must someone have it worse than the other? It'll NEVER happen when people are like this. Had she complained about how hard she had it, I'd of supported her. Instead, I had to unsubscribe.

Sorry, I apologize for this, but it really made me upset.


Erin said...

Hey first off thanks for your comment, it means a lot especially coming from you.

Secondly, yes this is totally annoying. It's the your not as...game played over again. I HATE that. It does make me stop reading some blogs :)

Jenera said...

It is annoying though I think at times I may have acted like her only to regret it later. We all have it rough as mothers. I've been told by other moms that I have it easy and by others who say they could never raise kids with their husband gone so much.

As women we are all so different with different life experiences which allows us to handle our day to day stresses different.

I was raised as a military brat and saw my mom raise us alone so now I can do that with my kids with minimal effort. But you have women who have been spoiled through their life and taken care of and so at the first sign of hardship, their world crumbles.

None of us are better than the other, we're just different.

And like you I would have unsubscribed. In fact I've done it before.

Jendeis said...

I think you had a good solution in unsubscribing.

There's other possibilities for the author too. 1) Write a little sentence at the beginning of the post saying that you need to whine and bitch and that your readers should just skip it and come back when sanity regains its hold OR 2) Write the post and don't publish it.

JennaDee said...

Ugh... that makes me mad. I only have 2 kids a five year old and a 1 week old. I'm having a hell of a time adjusting to that let alone breastfeeding for the first time... I'm having a hard time... I want to post something mean on that blog!

Lisa said...

Nancy, you are completely right. I am a Mom of twins and I know that some Moms of singletons (even those with their firsts) have it much harder than I did. My boys were not colicky babies, they slept well, they nursed well, they were not sick.

Yes, there are times when it gets crazy around here. But not necessarily any more so than in anyone else's house. We all have different levels of coping and therefore what is hard for one is not hard for someone else.

Most of my friends won't complain to me because they feel like they shouldn't. I am always telling them that being a parent can be hard, regardless of how many babies or children you have. We, as parents, should be there to support one another. It is not a contest.

I am glad I have no idea which blog you are referring to because I would definitely be leaving a "not so nice" comment from one twin mommy to another...

Jason and Samantha said...

Completely agree with you!

mommybird said...

That pisses me off too. I'd like to see that mom take care of my 3 little ones under 4 years old. Even now that I have 3 I remember how hard it was to have 1 and I would never say that those with only one have no room to complain. Life is hard, no matter what your specific circumstances may be.

Steph O. said...

DH says that it's one of the biggest downfalls of women. THat we let the jealousy thing take over & can't just be supportive.

I agree, we all have different levels of what we can handle. Each person has their own version of what would be the "worst" thing to happen to them. And, whereas we may look at "worse hardships" to keep our own problems in check, it's not up to others to dictate what is or isn't a struggle for someone else.

Ok, putting away my soapbox now...

Rachel said...

My coworkers son has twins and his wife is expecting another set of twins. They will be 11 months apart and apparently were conceived naturally. They are not complainers, but I'm pretty sure that they have this woman beat in the "having it tough" competition.

Kaci said...

ARGH! She can bite me! Being a mommy isn't all sunshine & roses and I have as much right to complain about it as she does. Why do we have to play the one up game?

Krista said...

I understand how you feel. I have to admit I've been guilty of something similar at times before though (think TTC - I guage it in length of time trying, it would be worse for me than a newbie but worse for so many more than it is for me...yada yada yada....)

I think many of us throw pity parties for ourselves and vent on our blogs. I would hope that most would go back and read later and realize that maybe they weren't being fair/rational/objective/realistic...etc. I have.

You are right to unsubscribe though - to any blog that isn't enjoyable for you. I'm not defending anyone here or agreeing with what she said. I'm just musing.

areyoukiddingme said...

I don't blame you for being irritated by that. I don't know why people feel the need to participate in oneupmanship all the time.

That being said, I know I had an easy baby. And every time she would do something difficult or confusing and I would talk about it, I would tell people that I couldn't complain about her because she was really very good. I guess my point is - we should try to enjoy the good moments rather than focusing on what's difficult.

the mol said...

I don't have twins, but I do have two children in diapers (the older one is now 2 but at first it was "2 under 2") and the older one has cancer, so I spend at least 2 days a week in the outpatient center with him, and plenty of time in the hospital with him, and the baby, who likes to go out for walks and fresh air, doesn't always get to, and he gets MAD. Oh, and he spent 2 months with an undiagnosed tongue tie, ripping my nipples to bits. So every time I nursed him it was horrifically painful. And at the same time my older one would want to sit on my lap.

But it isn't a contest to see whose life as a mother sucks more, and that's the bottom line.

Then there's my nasty brother-in-law and his wife, who taught their children that I am worthless and lazy and that "they only help people who help themselves" and since I stayed at home (not by choice) I didn't need their help. One of their children--the 18 year old who was actually allowed to watch me give birth which I regret sorely and can never take back--had the balls to say as much to my mother when she asked for some help, with one child just born and me mostly incapacitated from that and the other in the hospital for cancer-related infections. Not only do we not need help, but clearly her father having been a single parent who lived at home is comparable to having a kid with cancer and a newborn.

People just need to accept that everyone has problems and that hey, if you can help someone else out every now and then, go for it.

Photogrl said...

I hate the "my life is harder than your life" game.

Who the hell wants to win that title???

jenn said...

I don't know why people do that ( and I freely admit I catch myself in it every now & then) Life is hard. If you have an easy baby, then you get laid off, or if you have a nice stable job you get sucky health. There is a balance to life & everyone's good is different from everyone's bad. We shouldn't have to feel the need to play one-up with pain & hardship. We don't seem to do it as much with joy & happiness.

Elana Kahn said...

Being a twin mom, I would never ever get angry if someone with just one said something was hard. Everyone has their tough times and I would agree that having two 18 months apart is definitely more difficult in some ways than having twins. At the beginning (when you're literally feeding someone constantly and get zero sleep) I might disagree, but once that schedule calms down a bit, I'd say it gets downright easy. lol

nancy said...

I wanted to make sure it's known I do NOT mind one bit when someone complains about how hard it is for them - in any circumstance. It's just that I read this person was actually irritated when someone with "just one" got upset. Just so rude.

Kate said...

hey, that was my blog! :)
i'm sorry you felt you had to unsubscribe, & let me say you definetly have some valid points. perhaps i got overzealous in my venting, & i am sorry to offend you, as generally i respect your views.
no, parenting is not a competition, & i'm sorry that you interpreted what i wrote to mean that i thought i have it worse than most. i don't. i consider myself a lucky woman, with 2 healthy, happy dudes. my rant was aimed at an individual (who shall remain nameless) who forever bitches & moans over how hard her life is with her kid. of course there are moms of preemies who had it way worse than i did, & of course there are moms of high order mulitples who have it way harder than i do, just as there are moms of singletons who have it rough. it's ok to complain. my frustration comes in when some one compares their child's cold to a prolonged NICU stay. (yes, people actually do that.) or when some one gives me crap for not sticking with breastfeeding longer. until you've tried feeding twins a diet of only breastmilk thru constant pumping, you don't know how hard it is. perhaps i should have been more specific in my complaints, but pissed is pissed, & i was pissed. it happens.
the long & short of it is, i just cannot stand constant complaining without one taking a moment to stop & think how increbily lucky (blessed, whatever) they are to have a healthy baby & lots of undivided attention to spend on their child.
vents are by definition written out of frustration & anger. they aren't always fair, but hey, that's life. i am sorry that in venting my own frustration, i caused some of yours.

Robin said...

Here here! (or is it Hear Hear?)

Either way, agreed!

Mareike said...

My twin sister and I were the third and fourth children of my mom and she said we were EASIER than her previous babies because we had each other. TAKE THAT TWIN MOM!!! Lest you think my mom had it easy: She breast fed us. She had to boil our diapers on the stove because she didn't have a washing machine. She had us sleep by the water heater as it was the only place in the house that was relatively warm and still sometimes our feet were blue from the cold. TAKE THAT TWIN MOM!!!!

Mareike said...

Okay, that last post was meant to blast whiney Twin Mom.
I left out the stuff about how we all have our struggles and none should be disregarded. Life is wonderful and life can be tough. We aren't in a competion here we are SUPPOSED to be in a community of love and support. I feel like I am and I say Fuck You to those who can only feel better if they make others feel bad.

JamieD said...

It upsets me as well. You should never put down another person's pain or difficulties. It is what THEY perceive it to be.

Why do people have to be all, "Oh, yeah? I can top that!"

nancy said...

Kate, How absolutely big of you to not only defend your position (which I totally understand) but to respond, in public, that it was your blog. And while you completely deserve to rant, I understand where you are coming from now. Thank you for being such an open person and explaining it when you had absolutely no need to do so (except to clear up your feelings!)

I kept it anonymous because I didn't want anyone going to your blog. Nor did I really unsubscribe. And I'm glad I didn't as you are a great woman to even post more about it.

I hope you read my response in my comments that I didn't think you shouldn't complain, just that the comparison, as it seemed, was just so unfair.

Thank you for coming here and explaining yourself. I can't even explain to you how much I commend you for doing so. You are a rare breed indeed!

I apologize if I upset you in any way. I certainly didn't mean for you to be upset at my words, in fact, I doubted you would even read this.

Kate, you're awesome.