300

Post number 300 and just a little thing to say. Nothing like 300 scantly clad men fighting off an entire army.

I've taken my very last birth control pill for this IVF cycle. Now it's time to wait for AF and stims to start this weekend.

"I find myself so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head." (any guesses as to who said that in what movie? no googling the answer!)

and yes, i still am planning on getting back to the adoption post.

WTF?

I still have to go and read through all the great comments left for my prior post (and duffy, blogger didn't eat your comment - I have comment moderation on!) but I just got a weird comment from "anonymous".

I don't even know what it was for, as I can't even find it at all. It was scolding me for bringing my kids to the IF clinic, something which I would ~never~ EVER do. In fact, I've even talked about how I think it's a horrible thing for women to do and I've had to cancel an appointment before because I didn't have anyone to watch them. Hrm. "Anon" even said that I had so called "infertility". Um, okay. Perfectly fertile women go through IVF now? Wow.

Anywho, this leads me to one of those "how did they find me" keyword searches. I thought maybe I could find the keyword about kids in a clinic or something, and find the post google directed them to. I found the usual hilarious keyword searches which google thought my blog would be the most appropriate place to send them.

Here are my favorites in no particular order:

im thin but fat around my uterus - Must really be hard to find nice fitting pants.

lost tampon odor - ahhh. I can't tell you how many freaking disgusting tampon searches people put in and find my blog. Good lord. I tell one story and I'm the lost tampon story queen (not my own story, for anyone who now thinks I've lost a tampon)

over the knee socks thighs hurt - honey, if over the knee socks hurt your thighs, you aren't the type to be wearing them. Sorry.

how long after removing lost tampon can you get an infection - see?

i'm a failure at 35 - Hrm. I'm sorry?

best sarcastic questions to ask - Now this is one I can help with. But who are you asking?

diet for good uterus - My uterus likes a diet of Guinness & cheese.

homemade way to smoke crack - Like how to make something to smoke it in? Or how to make homemade crack? Either way, you're out of luck because I don't know the first thing about crack. Except that I find the words "crackhead" and "crackwhore" funny.

i'm infertile - yeah, join the club.

funny bouncy baby - Definitely the blog to come to.

what its like to smoke crack - Seriously. Tampons and crack. Why am I the expert?

how to stop puking - Take your finger out of your throat?

grand canyon tours cancel bubonic - Those damned squirrels. Do ~not~ pet.

loose vs. lose - Thank GOD someone is at least trying to learn the difference. Glad I could help.

nipple 1 dpiui - Darlin', stop googling things for 1 dpiui. Nothing is happening yet.

infertile nancy - Yes?

"Why don't you just adopt?"

It's a question that was posed to me many, many times while ttc#1. I have to say it's not asked to me so much anymore, as I usually get the "at least you already have two."

I've been thinking about the aspect of adoption recently because of two things - One, because of me looking into the women who have decided upon living child free and Two, because I met someone who quite possibly has the best adoption success stories ever.

What this post is not about how hard it really can be, and usually is, to adopt. It's also not about how stupid a question that is to ask anyone who is having a hard time ttc. Nor is it about why you would adopt or why you did adopt. My question posed to those who chose ~not~ to adopt. Those who adoption wasn't for them.

I know I'm asking very sensitive questions of a very personal nature. Please feel free to comment anonymously if you would feel more comfortable. But please try to answer if you can, I'm really interested in what anyone has to say.

With our failures ttc#3, I approached my husband about the idea of adoption. Our situation is different because we do have children. If we don't adopt, we aren't looking at living child free, we're just looking at living with two children. Totally different if I was ttc#1. We hadn't yet gotten to this question in our first ttc journey, so I honestly will not be able to give any information of what we would have done if we didn't succeed. It's really because of not knowing the answers to how my own story would have gone, that I ask now.

When I asked my husband, he gave me an emphatic "no". There will be no adoption attempts from his point of view. Since this would be a mutual decision, his "no" pretty much trumps any "yes" from my lips.

I was a little surprised over how quickly he was able to answer me. When asked his reasoning, he responded ~"I don't think I could love an adopted child as much as I love my biological children." Wait - before anyone gets too pissed off over his comment, keep in mind this is from A) a man, B) a man who hasn't had to wonder about adoption and C) a man who hasn't had ~any~ 'experience' with anything adoption related.

His answer shocked me. I just couldn't see how someone could say or even think that. Once you have a child that is yours, I couldn't see anything else but loving that child no differently than something out of my own DNA. But even though I didn't agree, I couldn't fault him for his own feelings. I wasn't going to argue, as adoptions isn't anything I'd really pursue too much. Honestly, it scares me too much. All that work and anticipation with the very real aspect of failure. Sure, TTC has the "same" kind of feelings, but failures would be my own failures. With adoption, I feel that I'd have to put too much ownership on someone else, so when he said "no", I was okay with it. Had he said "yes", I'd of gone into a new direction - delving into how I would really be able to go through the process. I could definitely see myself adopting, it's just the process that really freaks me out.

So, adoption, for us, is out. If this IVF fails, it fails. If we don't succeed and we close up shop at the end of the summer, that's what we'll do. We will still feel blessed to have the family we have, although I'll always know in my heart I have an empty seat at the table. The seat that was slated for child #3.

Onto my question - if you have decided against adoption - why? Was it a mutual decision? Was it like us where one "no" trumped any "yes"? Does anyone else feel like my husband does? Are you not planning on adopting because you have children? Are you not planning on adopting to focus on living child free? Do you want to adopt but can't for any reason? There's a myriad of questions I can ask right now, so you'll have to do the work in answering anything that could be asked.

I want to thank anyone who answers. I wonder what my husband's answer would have been if I asked before we conceived #1. Would he have chosen to live child free? Or would he of had a different feeling due to not having children at home? Would I of no accepted an answer of "no"? I have no way of knowing. But to get an idea, your own stories would help me out. So thank you.

2nd injection

I realized my time was due for injection #2 while I was in the middle of reducing a sauce for dinner. I think I got this one finished in 12 seconds - the sauce didn't even stop spinning from my last stir.

I'm a fucking rock star.

Injections in the belly? Bah.

Not a problem.

I asked Tom to watch some household "things" while I was doing my first injection. I was a bit nervous on the whole belly stab.

Took everything out, wipe, wipe, needle pull of air, stick in jar, needle push, needle pull, needle push to right amount, pop out (a little too briskly as some of the precious meds flew out with it), grabbed the belly, ~stick~, push, out, sharps container. Done.

Seriously. 14 seconds at most for the entire thing.

Yeah, yeah, maybe it's because of my "past" (don't you dare!) but there is a big difference in the two. It took like a whole minute for the other thing. (okay, bad joke. ~wink~.)

It was REALLY itchy for maybe 5 minutes. And red and spotty. I googled and saw it was normal and some RE's say to rub some benedryl cream on the site. But, it went away before I could even find it.

So injection #1 went down smoothly. I may think a little differently on injection number 36 or whatever, but or now, I'm good.

I start Lupron tonight!

yay!

Well, not "yay" really. I'm not looking forward to side effects. But ... it's finally here. No more waiting. So "yay" for that.

"Practice what you preach"

It is no secret I am not a religious person. Although I would consider myself spiritual, it's not in any sense of an organized religion. This is not a post about religion, but it is a post about the religious aspect of people.

I have run into some very self righteous religious people. People who are ~very~ judgemental without needing a second thought to pass on these judgments to anyone who they deem deserving.

If someone is truly religious, wouldn't they believe in things like forgiveness and not believe in things like being hyper judgemental? Wouldn't someone truly religious seek to be as close to Jesus as possible? To act in ways He would act? Or does the fact 'humans are mere mortals' override acts of kindness and the ability to forgive? Does that fact give a person a pass to act like a jackass and to pass judgement? Or do you think people living in the religious community, especially those "employed" in a church, should live up to higher standards?

I really believe in the "practice what you preach" way of life. I'm not going to give much credit to someone who doesn't do what they are preaching to others. Sure, I don't think anyone is perfect and there is going to be slip-ups. But if you want the respect of your position - act like it. At least that's my opinion.

If I was a personal trainer who never worked out, how much would I inspire someone who was trying to incorporate working out into their daily routine?
If I was a dietitian who ate at mcdonalds 3 times a day, how much would you listen to me?
If I was a hair stylist who never brushed my own hair, would you allow me to style yours?
If I was a church leader who constantly judged others based on my own ideals, would you listen to my advice on kindness of others?

What do you think? Do you believe in the "practice what you preach" approach to life?

If I have to study, will there be a test?

Just fresh out of my appointment with my RE's fellowship docs. They are the ones who my doc has brought over to take care of studies - nothing else.

Looks like I qualify for the lining study! They are collecting data on lining in IVF patients and I fit the criteria. I'm over 34. I have low FSH. I have a partner who has sperm (I found that one funny) and thanks to the docs, I have a uterus free of scar tissue and adhesions. There will be no different drugs, although there will be two groups of different ratios of the FSH and hMG drugs. The amount will be individually determined as what is best for each patient and if at anytime, the ratio is not in my best interest, I will be dropped from the study so I can be given the appropriate amount of stims. The doctors told me that even the low dosages isn't that low and they do not put anyone's IVF cycle in danger.

If I make it through the study, I'll get a big fat check of $1,000! Hopefully that will go along with a big fat positive, but only time will tell. If I end up getting dropped from the study, I'll get a pro-rated check, $85/"visit" (which is just an an additional u/s at my blood-draw only appointments and a few early u/s.)

Hey Tori ... I thought of you when C was bring me back to the library. She told me these doctors were learning their English (they are Dr Met's colleagues from Egypt) and if I didn't understand them, to ask them to repeat themselves. She made a point to tell me they know their English is not that good and they will not be offended if you ask them to repeat themselves. heh. Totally thought of you!

TTCers never stop fighting.

Pamela Jeanne at Coming2Terms has received her gift from me. She explains it here.

From my end, I just wanted to acknowledge a group of women who I don't think are thought of enough. Can you imagine how you would feel if after years of fighting infertility, you decided to hang up your gloves? And then they fall into this other category where it's so hard, at least for me, to even try to support them. I feel I'm unworthy to give them my words because I feel it's so unfair that I'm here and they are there. Even if I didn't conceive and I was still trying to conceive, I still had that chance of a different future.

Anywho - Here is my gift to PJ. And a gift I hope to keep giving to every women who finds herself "Living Child Free after Infertility". (and yes, the gloves are real boxing gloves and too huge to keep in this aspect. My friend Tammy found some miniature gloves for me to use in the future. Little 3" gloves would be a better idea).



The poem reads:

These gloves represent
you put up a fight.
You knew what you wanted,
you never lost sight.

But things didn't happen
exactly as you planned.
You had to hang up your gloves,
something you could barely understand.

Although you have put
your gloves up on a shelf,
It doesn't mean the battle is over,
you are still fighting yourself.

I'm sure it's a struggle
something you fight with every day.
You so wanted to win,
on your heart it must weigh.

But your war ended up not being about
what you had thought when it begun.
It ended up being a war of self truth.
It's a war you have already won.

These gloves represent
the fight you have fought.
In my eyes you are a hero
and it's admiration you've taught.

"This month"

I've been waiting to say it for awhile now and I can officially say it.

"I'll be doing IVF this month."