Monday, December 14, 2009

For my 1,000th post, I give you, Scary Guy Pills.

I wanted to retell one of the funniest stories in my repertoire. You've heard it before if you've been a long time reader, but I promise, it'll still make you laugh. in fact, since I've been at a little lull in my blogging lately, I'm going to make an effort to tell a lot of my "nancy stories" here. Many people say I should write a book. Maybe I'll just write here ...

Scary Guy Pills

I lived in central phoenix after college. Not quite the suburbs if you know what I mean.

One day at lunch, I ran out to the bank to put in a deposit. I had to turn left into the bank and there was a lot of traffic. I pulled in the middle lane to wait for my turn. When I pulled into the lane, I was face to face with another car who was waiting for his turn to go. I assumed (wrongly) that he was waiting to turn left also.

I don't know how it is in all states, but in Arizona, it's illegal to use the turning lane as a merging lane. You use the lane to turn left. Period. Not to to merge into it first, wait for a space, and then continue to go forward. See, I used to get a lot of tickets in my teenage years and I've been to traffic school ~a lot~.

When oncoming traffic cleared, I went to turn left. At the same time, the guy who was facing me in the turning lane, went to merge into traffic, so he almost hit me. Yeah, he was in the lane first, but since he was making an illegal maneuver, I had the right of way, so I flipped him off (as anyone in Phoenix would do) and continued on my turn into the bank.

There I was, waiting my turn in the drive through. I was up at the little tube thingy, putting in my deposit, and I notice the same car drive through a closed bank lane and park perpendicular to the exit of my lane, blocking me in. This huge black guy comes out (doesn't make any difference to the story that the guy was black. But I was a little tiny white girl, so he was that much more intimidating to me) and starts screaming at me.

The whole bank is watching.

I want to look at "cool" as possible, so I start smart mouthing the guy, even though I should of just apologized so he would cool down. While he's barraging me with curse words, I'm smiling as big as possible, nodding my head saying "uh-huh. You don't say? Really? Wow." This is infuriating him even more. But I persist.

As he basically runs out of curse words and is silent for more than a second, I look to him and say "Are you done? Cause if you are, maybe you should go home and take some more Scary Guy Pills."

No fucking clue where that came from. But I was quite happy with how it sounded. Rarely do you get a good "come back" in the moment.

At that, he stopped, cocked his head in confusion, put his left hand on the opening of my open car window and with his right hand, punched me directly in the face.

Things go black.I woke up to 1) blinding pain in my face 2) about every male customer on top of this guy, keeping him away from me and 3) the entire bank in the drive through window watching the melee. Awesome.

The guy stood up and the men stayed between me and him. He did some more cursing and got into his car and left. Police were called who gave me a lecture for getting into a confrontation with the man to begin with - scolding me over the idea "what if he had a gun?". Well, he didn't have a gun and he punched me. Can we focus on that? I'm the victim here!

The car ended up being stolen and they never found the guy. I had a wicked black eye and bruised cheekbone. And my mom was right - some day my mouth WAS going to get me into trouble.

Moral of this story? Confusing a very mean man can get you punched in the face. But it's a good story, no?


Sara said...

That is a trip. Not that you got hurt - that part isn't funny! But the whole thing is just a trip.

I have always wondered when my mouth was going to get me into trouble. I am pretty sure it is only a matter of time!

mommybird said...

This story is one of my favorites!!

The only time I ever flipped somebody off was at a bank too. I had my babies sleeping in the back seat with the windows rolled down (it was summer). This guy pulls up next to me and deliberately blows a huge puff of smoke into my open window and in my babies face. I was furious, and flipped him off. I didn't get punched though or yell any witty comebacks :)

Lisa said...

Still hilarious!

Ella said...

Oh what a story! Can't believe he actually punched you...!!! Happy 1,000th post!

JamieD said...

It is a FANTASTIC story!! I am so glad you posted it again, it is freaking hysterical.

Even if it gets me punched in the face, I hope I have a great comeback like that someday!

Elana Kahn said...

I never got punched, but I had a bicyclist come over and scream at me for turning in front of him. Never mind that he was in my blind spot, and never mind that he had plenty of time to stop, but man did he freak the heck outa me.

areyoukiddingme said...

1000 posts! Wow! Congratulations!

Shannon said...

An oldie, but a goodie!!

Congratulations on your 1000th post!

Steph O. said...

Wow, 1000 posts!

At least some day, you can tell your kids these stories & maybe save THEM a black eye!

Julie said...

You were right. I had heard this story before, but I enjoyed it just as much (if not more) this time around.

Nic said...

I have heard this story before, but it still made me chuckle!! Lol!

jenn said...

I love this story!

Hapy 1000th! (Holy crap- that's a lot of posting!)

MrsSpock said...

In college, I once paused at a yield sign to avoid being creamed by on oncoming car (you know, yielding like the sign said is a good thing), and the woman behind me started going crazy, honking and cussing at me. I drove on, and she pulled up alongside me, and I mouthed the words "crazy bitch" to myself. And then we had to stop at a light. It was not good. She started going nuts, threw a latex glove at my window (not sure why that was in her car), then got out of the car and headed towards me. She looked like she was high. I quietly locked my door, rolled up my window, and ignored the crazy lady banging on my window, then gunned it when the light turned green.

She was in the wrong, and completely Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but I should have kept my yap shut.

Hollie said...

I love that story.

Geochick said...

I'm quite embarrassed to say I'm giggling even though you got punched. Too bad he didn't see the humor in your kick-ass comeback. What a jerk. Happy 1,000th post!

calliope said...

wooo! I love this story.

ONE THOUSAND POSTS??? holy fuck, girl. Way to go! xo

Beautiful Mess said...

OH! MY! GOD! I was SO not expecting you to say he HIT you! Holy shit! My mouth is hanging wide open, becuase apparently I'm an idiot AND I'm laughing. Sorry, but I am...good Lord! Glad he didn't have a gun though.....

akaiser said...

I remember this one.

If anyone can relate, I can. When I was in my teens and early 20s I had *quite* the mouthpiece. Well one day, I too got punched dead in the face, while riding the subway to college in the middle of the morning. Why? Because I got into it with this nasty a-hole who started cursing at me for walking in front of him on the platform when the train pulled in, and thus got on the train first. Well, God forbid I should ignore his cursing and mumbling. Noooo not me, I had to get loud, curse, "defend myself," and um yea. That's what happened.

I guess we can excuse it because we were young, but really that officer was right. Could have been much worse. Not worth it, that's what I learned. Girl I could tell you stories for days, growing up in the big apple, riding the subway at bizarre hours, etc.

Sorry we both encountered big scary dudes. At least we can laugh about it now - well clearly you can. I still cringe when I think about my story, still can't laugh it off.

Glennformer said...

It's a Nancy story classic! I can picture your expressions, exactly, while you are smart mouthing the guy.
You should be a guest speaker at those traffic schools.