SO many women I was pregnant with are pregnant again. As I read their posts, I'm sharing in all their happy moments - feeling movement for the first time, hearing the hearbeats, growing bellies, maternity clothes, etc.
And I am JEALOUS AS HELL.
Yes, I was blessed to feel 3 babies grow inside me. And I have 3 children to show for it. But, as I have said before, I'm having a hard time with the fact it's all over.
And then I think of my friends who have had to close their TTC journeys with the knowledge they'll never feel a pregnancy at all. And I feel like a giant jerk. How in the world can I have these feelings with being blessed 3 times over? Yet, I can't help how I feel.
So I ask you all out there - is there any feelings you have that you feel it's awful for you to feel? Even non-if related. I'm curious how normal (or not normal) I am.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2009
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December
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- new years parties
- My jealousy issues revisited.
- A little explanation about the giving/getting
- Christmas is all about GETTING. And another Nancy ...
- Nancy's way of going out BIG.
- The dead body in the dumpster and behind my car.
- For my 1,000th post, I give you, Scary Guy Pills.
- I've had a rough week.
- A request
- oy vey. I'm sick sick sick.
- The green monster is alive and well.
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40 comments:
You are sooo normal. I posted not too long ago when DS was just a few weeks old how I was jealous that my sister was pregnant (5 months pregnant, like we were pregnant together until I had mine).
You mean like the feelings of jealousy when I do have a child, am having a hard time having another, and my brother's GF falls pregnant the first try, with spontaneous twins?
I'm right there with you Nancy. I feel so bad when I start talking about my two children that I was able to have two wonderful children, even if I did suffer from 2nd time around infertility and took a very long to get pregnant.
The reason you can have those feelings is because you're human, sweet Nancy. One thing that IF did to me was it conditioned me to crave the hope that comes with each cycle. Then pregnancy itself... hoo boy, am I ever hooked on the hormonal high. I can fully understand why people do this again and again and again, and it makes me a little sad that I'll only experience it once.
Once I'm an IF graduate, well then what? I fully expect to feel jealousy and longing. Even though TTC itself was the hardest thing I've ever done, it will be hard to close that chapter.
So, hugs from me. And I get it.
You're totally normal (-ish). ;)
Why wouldn't you be jealous of someone who has what you loved when you had it? It's just the way people work. I think it is literally impossible to not feel envy when someone else gets something that you desperately want. The problem comes when you start think that other people don't deserve or didn't earn that thing...because you don't always know the full circumstances.
Yeah, it's normal. I find myself being jealous over some stupid-crazy things sometimes. Feelings that have no sense or reason & make me feel like a terrible person. As long as you don't act out the jealousies Shakesperian-style, I don't think they make you an awful human, just human!
I'm exactly where you are. Having three beautiful kids but my body is screaming, "HAVE ANOTHER" while my tubeless uterus is saying, "I DON'T THINK SO!"
It's totally normal. I was jealous of my best friend because she got pregnant from having sex once even though it ended up being etopic. Plus I was pregnant at the time but I cried a lot about how unfair it was that she got pregnant so easily.
I feel totally guilty for taking a while to accept this second (and very big surprise) pregnancy. I know so many people would kill to be in my shoes (and I think I lost a lot of readers when this happened), but I couldn't help it that it was hard for me. I never once wished it didn't happen, it just took me a while to "get there".
this is going to sound REALLY awful, so please forgive me. aside from the whole miracle of life thing, i really don't like being pregnant. i love the end result, & the kicks, etc are amazing, but i do not enjoy the day to day of being pregnant. i feel sooooo guilty about feeling this way, bc i am incredibly lucky to have had a successful pregnancy after our losses, & to have stayed pregnant as long as i did with my twins, but the fact remains-- i just don't like being knocked up, no matter how badly i wanted (& still want) to have children of our own to bring home.
ack, i feel even worse having psoted that since your original post was about WANTING to be pregnant again. i am such a jerk... sorry nancy, don't hold it against me, please!
You're normal. And if you're not, we'll both be freaks together. :)
Yep, normal. I can't even begin to go through all of the times I have felt those feelings.
Normal. Totally.
I could write a book. Here are the current things I am jealous of and actually cried about today:
- one SIL easy pregnancy (easy to get, keep and no complications)
- other SIL just scored a great house that I wish we could get
- friend in the very beginning of pregnancy, thinking about how I will most likely never experience it again
- people who have money to do anything; being unemployed stinks
I have buckets of jealousy. buckets. envy over women with husbands. envy over women with fertility coverage. envy over easy conceptions and pregnancies...I could go on. As for non-IF related horribleness? my biggest nasty and effed up moment of jealousy is father related. And I just deleted it because I am too ashamed. blah
I'm not sure I'm even READY to be pregnant with a sibling for O yet. But there's a girl at work who is visibly, glowingly pregnant. And I want to PUNCH her.
Seriously. I have NO idea where it's coming from.
You're not alone.
You are so completely and totally normal (at least about this...LOL).
I think you are totally 100% normal. I also think it's pretty damn great that you can admit it to all of us as well.
I have lots of pregnant friends right now and while I'm so happy for each and every one of them I will also admit that I'm a little jealous. They have what I wanted so badly to have, and now that is so far away to me.
Give all your three kids big old hugs tonigh!
I think it's normal to feel the way you do. I can't be sure though lol. I feel that way every time I see a child, infant or bigger. I will probably feel that way the rest of my life, just because I had to have a hysterectomy and wasn't able to have any kids. Hang in there. I'm hoping the feelings of jealousy will disappear with time (yours and mine!)
Being pregnant was pretty easy for me, as was giving birth. Getting pregnant was also not too difficult. It was about 6 months for the first one, and I got pregnant with my second while nursing the first. The one time during the month that my husband and I were actually able to get together...
Jealous of pregnant women? I doubt I'll want to have any more kids, but I did like the way I looked and felt while pregnant. I'm jealous of people with healthy children, though, since I have a sick one. I guess we all have things to envy and things for which to be grateful. Always an interesting discussion, Nancy!
Ah, I really want another chance at a little one and it makes me green as heck, too.
g
Feelings are neither good nor bad, they're just feelings. It's what we do with them that is important. You own yours, and see them for what they are.
Having a child (or three) doesn't cure us of IF. We may be mothers now, but we carry the scars of what we went through. A cancer patient may go into remission, but the pain of her ordeal doesn't just go away because the sickness does. And the depression and mental anguish a woman battling with IF goes through has been compared to that of someone dealing with a terminal illness.
A friend of mine casually sent me a text announcing she was pregnant with her second. My first is a little younger than hers. I haven't been able to speak to her since. I'm not even TTCing right now, but that text blindsided me and took me right back to my TTC and IF days. I have no idea how hard or easy it will be for me to conceive #2, but just the fact that it has ALWAYS come easy to her makes me jealous. (She claims it was hard, took her almost a year, but at 25 that's not even considered IF yet, and just pisses me off more. Poor her, she had to try for a completely normal amount of time to get prenant.)
Anyway, you are neither horrible nor alone. I believe you are completely normal, and in good company.
Totally normal (I'm guessing cos I've not crossed to the other side as yet).... BUT totally normal with hot pierced nipples ;)
HUGS
xxxx
I have 4 kids and I DO NOT want anymore, but seeing a pregnant woman makes me feel all melancholy and slightly jealous bc I loved my pregnancies and I know I'll never experience that again.
But I know I'm SO done.
Steph
stephs_3_kidz
I'm completely jealous of surprise pregnancies. It really gets me upset when they aren't imediately happy about it. The stupid thing is, I can totally see how finding yourself pregnant when you weren't planning for it could be uspetting initially, and could really throw off other plans that you may have been working on for years. I can see that. I'm still jealous though. I secretly longed for a "surprise" which wouldn't have really been a surprise since I knew there was always a chance.
Want to know something even worse? I've been thinking that if I hit 35 and still don't have another, that I want one of us to get sterilized. I don't think I could live with there always being a possibility for the years from then until menopause was over and done with. Then I'd be essentially ending my chance (no matter how small) for a surprise, even though I just said I wanted one above.
I'm jealous of pregnant women too. We're going to have another but we need to wait until our youngest is at least a year. I get jealous of those in the 2nd and 3rd trimester but not the 1st. I hate that trimester with a passion.
I'm also very jealous of those with a nice house and a nice car because I just gave that up. I wouldn't trade what I got in return because I get to be with my hubby again, but I am totally jealous of people who have both.
I get you Nancy -- just yesterday I got a response from my former best-friend/sister -- ultimate college soul-mate type friend who bailed on being my maid of honor for my wedding because she'd just had a child months before -- and then she just dropped out of contact. GONE. I reached out to her saying that perhaps it was me -- my infertility -- her growing family -- and she wrote back saying "I do think it was because of that -- and that's neither of our faults" -- and I thought "NO IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR BEING SO INSENSITIVE AND NOT KNOWING HOW TO REACH OUT TO ME IT IS NOT MY FAULT -- and how when I reached out previously to tell her that this long awaited pregnancy had happened (after all the years, the money, the IVF) -- what did she say? Oh, I'm pregnant too.
Fuck you.
Wait, did I say that out loud? And here I should be happier for her, more charitable. I can't be.
XO
P
This probably doesn't make sense--but in a way, I'm jealous that you are jealous. I know, no sense. But I hated being pregnant. I love my kids but I disliked pregnancy. I have zero jealousy when I see a pregnant woman. In a way maybe this is easier, but I almost wish I could feel the jealousy some of you are describing, because that would have meant I would have enjoyed the pregnancy experience. I know, no sense. I think you're normal though Nancy.
and BTW, I feel a total rush of jealousy when I see a sweet tiny baby. Especially when my toddler is throwing a tantrum.
I think it's in our nature to want to be pregnant. It's just the way mother nature designed us. Only we get to experience pregnancy--something men will never understand. I am sure your feelings are normal and you are incredibly blessed to have your three beautiful children. It doesn't mean to you aren't grateful for what you have. I am done after this baby, and I am sure when I see pregnant women I will feel a pang of jealousy.
That I can't control (AT ALL) when I can get pregnant.
For 2.5 years we tried to get pregnant. One fucking time we have unprotected sex, and I get pregnant with this one. We're NOT supposed to get pregnant, my husband's sperm count is super freakin low. I thought we could trust in our infertility. lol
I'm ashamed to admit, but I'm still not excited about it. I wanted the kids further apart. I love our life right now. And I'm scared I'm going to mess Charleigh up with bringing another baby into the mix.
I'm glad you asked this question - it's the first time I've admitted it to someone else besides my husband. It's been freaking me out for weeks now.
And I want to bash everyone's head in who says, we are going to try in June, so we can have a February baby - I just want to tell them to fuck off.
One more.
I hate that I am not loving being pregnant this time. But this pregnancy has been so much more painful and full of complications. I'm hoping if we have a third, I'll be able to enjoy it more.
We have a really good set of incomes and have travelled extensively because of it, yet I always get jealous of other people's ability to buy/afford things - even when I know they struggle with other things.
I am also starting to feel the green monster rear its ugly head when I hear someone is pregnant. So your feelings are completely normal...
I strangely also feel jealous when I hear of women pregnant with twins. I so loved my experience with my twins (and would not be disappointed at all if I got pregnant with twins again) and I guess I get jealous because I know the odds are against us for having twins again...
I also feel jealous about how much people are drawn to you..
Jealousy is a strange beast.
I have to say your feelings sound normal by me. Not even a month having Ellie, I want another one. I guess it's just that maternal instinct we all have. I feel really bad about wanting to TTC#2 when so many can't even have #1.
You are soo normal Nancy, well sometimes. Haha only kidding! Your feelings are perfectly normal and I don't blame you for feeling them. You are truly blessed with what you have, and I KNOW you KNOW it! :)
Normal :)
YES!I think is very normal. I think even for a woman that hasn't experienced IF, but is done with her childbearing it could be normal. From what I hear there is nothing more precious than feeling your baby inside you and knowing you are 100% responsible. I would think ANYONE should be jealous of that- whether an IFer or not.
I am jealous as HELL of my friend that just announced her pregnancy. So happy at the4 same time...but still jealous.
Oh, yeah. Totally normal.
I think what gets me the most is when women get pregnant right away. Not that I really ~want~ them to go through IF or loss but it would be nice if they actually worried about it for a minute. Maybe bought an OPK.
I have several friends who are pregnant now and it is eating me up. The one I'm closest to dealt with IF & I'm over the moon excited for her, but the others post belly pics and I'm totally green. I keep questioning my decision to wait but I remind myself all the reasons I chose that.
So normal. Now that we have gone from one to three kids and I've felt how my love can expand and how amazing distracted I can be by them all and their wonderfulness, I'd love to have another. But I am deciding to close the chapter for me after 15 years of marriage and playing Russian roulette the whole time and never having an "oops" pregnancy, I'm on Seasonique, because having periods suck if they aren't going to do anything like make a baby. I've had the roughest 10 years of my life trying to make these three kids and I'll just spend my energy on doing stuff with them. I'm sick of doctor's offices. But I sure am jealous of anyone who can pop em out with the least effort possible.
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