Wednesday, December 30, 2009

My jealousy issues revisited.

Let me preface this by saying I know I'm blessed beyond words for my 3 children. I started out wanting 2 and I got 3. We are the perfect family. I know this. I'm just having difficulty in saying goodbye to pregnancy and I want to discuss some thoughts I had. Please don't judge me and send me hateful comments. Thanks. (like someone who would send me hateful comments to begin with would see my plea and not do it!)


I've mentioned how I'm really jealous over other pregnancies I see. Just having to come to the conclusion it's a chapter of my life which is over with is tough. So seeing others go through pregnancy is hard. It's a different "hard" than "IF hard" though. When I saw other pregnancies when I was actively trying to conceive, it was a shitload harder. "They" had something I was trying to get myself. So the jealousy was a different monster than what I have now.

What I have now is the jealousy that I'll ~never~ feel it again. And I got to comparing it to someone who has decided to live child free due to infertility (I know there are many reasons why this decision would come into play, but I'm focusing on this one reason). And NO - I'm not saying it's the same thing! I'm just thinking of how the two are similar, like as in the feelings of finality each one entails. And in this small little way, I feel a little closer to the girls who are living child free as a permanent decision. And as sad as I feel for myself, my heart aches that much more for each woman who is in this place without being able to experience pregnancy.

I got my tubes tied like an idiot, so I'm not going to even get a chance at an "oops" pregnancy. I'm done. Finished. Kaput. The decision of "living without another pregnancy" was made and I must stick by that decision no matter how much I don't want to. If you ask my husband, he wouldn't call me getting my tubes tied an idiot move. He'd call it a smart move. He doesn't want anymore children. It's me who does. But the lines between wanting to have more children and wanting to be pregnant again are very blurry.

Last night, as AF made a surprise appearance, I had an epiphany about my period. I shared it with my husband, but all I got was a nod. Heh. Anywho, I never understood how women didn't know more about their AFs - like when it was due or when ovulation happened or whatnot. And then it hit me. I NEVER let my body do what it does naturally. Until now. See, I didn't get my period until I was 16 (I was a competitive gymnast growing up and it effected my puberty) and I went on the pill before I was 17. The only time I got off the pill was for TTC reasons - so I kept track of my cycle. So I always knew when AF would make an appearance - on the pill I was regular down to the hour and when I was ttc, I was on full red alert (no pun intended).

So here I am. My tubes are tied so I have no need for the pill. My cycles have been ~fucked up~ in regards to timing. I'm having anything between a 13 day cycle to a 27 day cycle. I know some of the fucked-up-ness is due to the cortisone shots in my spine (remember me telling you the doctor told me that the injections could "mess up" my cycle?) but I don't know what else could me screwing with it. All my talking shit about women who were clueless about their cycles is coming back to me threefold. Karma, eh?

Where am I going with this post? Oh yes, my jealousy. More than that though, my sadness. I'm brokenhearted I won't have another child. And with that statement comes some massive guilt. I'm jealous over not being able to feel something ~again~. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Wow, that comes out really wrong. I AM happy with my 3 beautiful, wonderful, amazing children. I even got blessed in the aspect of having a ~boy~ after two girls. I have everything I asked for. And yet I want more. I'm SO fucking lame.

Honestly though, I haven't completely shut the door on the chance of having more children. I may just go through IVF again. Highly doubtful, but also possible. (Sure, as possible as winning the lottery!) And there is also adoption. I may be offered a child in some random situation. Back when I was ttc Karl, we were offered a baby from an acquaintance who was trying to find a home for her neice's child who was going to be put up for adoption. So things happen. And as rare, random and not possible they are, it's never 100%, right?

Thanks for sticking with me through this entire random post. I'm surprising myself with the intense feelings of jealousy I am having. I'm jealous over things I've already been through. And there's another thing - I'm quite a bit older now. 95% of the girls going through their pregnancies right now - beit their first or second - are way younger than I. I'm at the age where I wanted to be done with pregnancies and raise my children. The pregnant girls are in their child making years (totally generalizing here!) and I am past that.

My goodness. I'm rambling. Thanks again! Here's an OOTB ("out of the blue") question ... What is your favorite candy bar? (and if you don't eat candy, let's pretend someone was holding a gun to your head to pick out and eat that candybar.) I'll tell you my favorite in the comments.


Kelly said...

aww...Nancy! I "know" how you feel.

When Emily was born, I knew that we would try for one more child. After Jimmy was born, I still had the urge for one more child....but my husband does not.

Even though I just had an IUD instead of having my tubes tied, I am also approaching the age of no return.

So, like you, even though I am completely happy and blessed with what I have, I have the sadness of knowing there will be no more.


BTW, I love the 100 Grand Bar!

Sara said...

Snickers. I love Snickers.

And you aren't alone. Jealousy rears its ugly head when we least expect it.

Elana Kahn said...

I love Reeses PB Cups. And I think you should be a surrogate. That way you can help others to have their dream, BE PREGNANT, not have to keep the kid, and make money all at the same time. :-) My only issue with this is your placenta accreta, which I just remembered. Oops, my bad.

Kate said...

i think it's the NEVER that's so awful for me. it's not that i'm certain i'd want #4, it's that i don't want to close the door on it entirely. NEVER is jsut so final. but, like you said, strange things happen--- IVF, adoptions, improbable perhaps, but not impossible. it's the "impossible" part that's so scary for me. but that's just me.

& snickers, for sure!

Jen said...

I don't think you need to be so hard on yourself over the jealousy thing. For me, I know this is likely my final pregnancy and honestly it is bittersweet. Being pregnant, having a baby, watching them thrive and is amazing. I'd love to do it over and over again if only it were practical. Being jealous does not mean you are not thankful for what you already have.

Oh and I love anything PB and chocolate...PB Twix, Reeses, PB Mountain Bars. Oh how the list goes on.

Geochick said...

Peanut Butter cups! yum. *hugs* Obv. I don't know exactly how you feel but having to come to grips with the possibility of never getting pregnant is similar. Just when I think I'm ok with it, I get all pissy over my period showing up.

Miss Tori said...

Is this what they mean by needing closure? Not sure. Sometimes I think "closure" is just a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo, myself.

Each persons feelings are valid. They may not make sense to the next person, but that's okay. We are each entitled to feel however we feel.

Having these feelings doesn't make you a bad person, or an uncaring person, or anything. They are just a part of you.

So don't let anyone make you feel bad (including yourself) that you are feeling the way you are feeling. Just decide if it's something you want to do something about. And if so, start your planning. If not, then allow yourself to mourn your loss. "They" say time heals everything. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

In the meantime, we're hear to listen to you and give you a shoulder or a kick, whichever you think you need.

Miss Tori said...

Oh yeah, I really like Big Hunks!

areyoukiddingme said...

It's kind of like the candy bar, though, isn't it? You're on your cereal killer diet and you see a candy bar, and you want that candy bar more than anything but you can't have it. So you're jealous of the skinny person eating it - why do they get to eat candy bars? It's also like aging - when you lose your ability to do something that you used to do well, you're jealous of the people who can still do it.

My armchair psychology degree suggests that, even though you know that 3 kids/3 pregnancies was enough for your body, your lifestyle, your marriage, maybe you were still holding out a little tiny hope for a surprise miracle pregnancy?

As to candy bars, I love Snickers.

Kristin said...

You aren't crazy. You just have a lot of love and wouldn't mind sharing it with another kid. Besides that, pregnancy is pretty fucking incredible (even when it makes you sick) so I can definitely understand your feelings.

As for candy bars, I love the Hershey's dark chocolate with cranberries, blueberries, and nuts...yum!

JennaDee said...

Nancy I want another child I have two of my own, I will have another child and I'm sure then my husband will call it quits... But like you I'm dreading the moment I get pregnant because I know it will be the last.

But I fight another problem, that I can't be happy for what I have I have two wonderful boys who I love dearly and I'm always sadden because I've made such lovely friends through the webmd boards and blogs that how can I be happy for what I have when some of these ladies are now living child free or struggling with infertility. It breaks and saddens my heart unbelieveable.

I love KIT KATS!

Robin said...

Good post. I think I understand what you mean, even though I'm really ttc for #2 I think I will be sad when I'm over for good since I have had one pregnancy.

I like almond joy or mounds myself. Kit Kats and Twix are also way up there. (who doesn't like candy? are there really people out there like that?)

nancy said...

My FAVORITE candy is seafoam from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. (it's a 'honeycomb' type candy covered in chocolate).

But if I had to pick a commercial candybar, I'd pick rolos or 100 grand bar. Mmmmm.

Robin said...

Hey... I saw your comment on my post. I promise I didn't delete any of your comments! I actually don't regulate them at all, er I should say, have never had to because no one says anything controversial.. I guess it was just a blogger screw up? That ticks me off!

Jenera said...

My favorite candy right now is Almond Joy.

Hmm, I can understand your jealousy. I am feeling a bit out of sorts about the fact that we are done having kids. After Sam was born we 'knew' we were done. But at that point Daniel was supposed to get fixed ASAP and we wouldn't have to worry. But then last month after some looney sleepy sex and the panic/unknown nature of my possibly-late period, I was almost sad that I wasn't pregnant. I want a little girl so bad but I know that if I had another boy, I'd be that stupid woman who was so very disappointed. I don't know what our future holds but right now the plan is Daniel will be fixed after we get our taxes back.

Rachel said...

I really wonder if I'll ever be ready to say that I'm done. At the moment my husband is onboard for whatever I want (within reason) although he does not really share my enthusiasim for adopting a special needs child in the future (yet, of course) and would obviously call it quits years before me in terms of treatments, etc. I think about this a lot as I pack away the fusspot's clothes - will I ever be ready to give them away to another family? Seems unlikely but necessary at some point.

Karyn with a Y said...

It's toss up between KitKat and Twix.

Karyn with a Y said...

Oh and about your post. In my head I'm done having kids, in my heart I want another. For the sake of our lifestyle we can only have two. I would have to have a full time husband before I even consider having another child. Two at home by myself is enough to make me content with two.

Ella said...

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You're not lame, you have very normal feelings about the ending of a phase of your life... totally understandable. Don't feel guilty - you obviously adore your kids!! I honestly think I will feel the same way when we're done. I *love* pregnancy and everything that comes with it (and babies too!), and I can totally understand the sadness of knowing you (probably) won't experience it again.

Oh, and I love Skor bars.

Krista said...

Jealousy and hormones are a crazy combination. You just never know how or when something like this will pop up and cause you emotional turmoil.

I love Godiva dark chocolate truffles. General candy bar? I'd have to say Twix.

Lisa said...

Nancy, your feelings are completely normal and justified. Even if they weren't, what would it matter? You can't always change how you feel. I just hope it gets better for you because feeling jealous when you don't want to be sucks!

My favorite is a Crunchie... I would love to have one right now!

Shelby said...

There are parts of this post that I could have written myself. I got my tubes tied- and while I don't regret it fully, sometimes I wish I hadn't. My husband thinks it was brilliant. I think in part, t he reason I did it is so I didn't have to get into the fight of whether or not to try for a 3rd (even though it would likely involve IVF again). My cycles have been wonky. I think the last time AF arrived was in September. Am thinking about going on the pill to regulate. But often times, now that my youngest is nearly 2, I just long for another little one to hold and snuggle. But know it can't happen. But at least I know, that even though it has been 4 months since my last AF, that I am not pregnant (yes- I did find one lone test in the cupboard and checked just to make sure it wasn't a miracle).

Birdee said...

I've surprised myself and have no desire for another, not to even be pregnant, but I just got my first PPAF 2 days ago, so maybe it's because it's all too soon.
I hope to desire one last pregnancy, I think I will, I'm just enjoying my little infant for now and when he's more of a toddler, maybe I'll desire a newborn again.

Fave candybar? Gosh, you'd have to put a gun to my head to have me pick just one.
I think if I were on a deserted island and could only have one type candybar on the island, I'd probably choose Snicker, but I really love Big Hunk. So I say my fave is Big Hunk (Really? - how come I never eat them then?)

Birdee said...

Oh, I just read comments and I take my candy bar fave back, Almond Joy for sure!!

Anonymous said...

Mars bars. Yum.

Anonymous said...

I'm a follower but don't have blog. I understand exactly how you feel. I have 2 children but due to pregnancy issues I won't be having any more children. I feel like I'm kicked in the stomach when someone announces they are PG. Mostly people that have children already. Like they are having #3.I guess I just miss the baby stage. Mostly doesn't bother me if it's someone with their 1st child. STUPID I know.... but it's the way I feel. :-(

Rachel said...

I think that you would make an awesome foster mother, have you ever thought about it?

Anonymous said...

I want to say I can understand where you're coming from, but I can't. Not only do I not have children, but it's possible I never will. It's hard for me to relate to these posts about jealousy when you have 3 beautiful children of your own. I know you love them dearly and I wouldn't take that away from you. But it seems you've lost sensitivity to women currently experiencing IF or else you wouldn't post such things on what used to be your IF blog. I read your blog religiously, but it's been difficult as of late which leads me to think I can't continue reading your blog anymore. I originally started reading your blog because I could relate on some level to your infertility, but there's nothing left to relate to anymore. Please don't take this personally - I think you're hysterically funny and I appreciate your honesty. But my IF heart can't take it.

Mareike said...

I can relate to the jealousy.

I'd have to say my favorite candy bar is a Clark Bar. I'm thinking it's been 30 or 40 years since I last had one and I don't even know if they are still made but I have fond memories of buying a Clark Bar on my way home from school on many, many days.

Nic said...

We're going to start trying for #3 in a few months - I have a strong suspicion I will feel the same way after that pg is done, if we're lucky enough to get there.

Candy bars - my absolute favorite ever is called a Tempo bar, which I know you can get in South Africa, not sure about anywhere else. If you ever come across one, you *must* try it. Around here, I also adore the Hershey's S'mores bars, but haven't seen one in ages. Also, in the british colonies there are candy bars called Crunchies, which are just like the seafoam. Also delish. Can you tell I have a sweet tooth?

jenn said...

I think that these feelings are completely normal for any stage of life coming to an 'end' (even if there are possibilities for continuing it) When the kids leave for college & it's you & Tom, that will probably bring up another powerful wave of emotions & perhaps jealousy. It's all normal & there is no reason to say you are lame for being honest with how you are handling a very big transition in your life. The past- 7?- years have been spent centered around getting pregnant & having babies. That is a long time to be in one mindset & then suddendly say goodbye to it.
Personally- I am not ready for a #2, or even to try for #2. I don't honestly know if I ever will be since it changes daily. The hub is, which is itself an odd role reversal for us. I can't say that I feel like you do- but I can understand having a hard time saying goodbye to part of your life that has helped define you for so long.

And I am going to be a rebel & say that the one candy I love more than any other isn't a bar- it's the lindt truffles. Oh. My. God. I could live on them- but just having one is rich enough to satisfy the craving!

Jenn BG said...

Hi Nancy. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have my one green monster...named Gender Disappointment. I feel very guilty about it because I have 3 wonderful, beautiful, smart, funny, loving little boys and I still want/need a daughter. My DH has was set on 2 kids, so the fact that I talked him into one more "try" was an amazing gift to me...then I had to deal with my feelings when I found out it was baby boy #3. What has been hard is that I can't imagine my life without him, but for a long time (well, since we found out he was a boy), I just felt I would NEVER have another try. I wasn't sure I wanted more than 3 kids, either.

Over the year now since the news (he's 5 months now), I have done a lot of sole searching and realized that I HAVE to have one more try. In a very strange turn of events, there is a chance I might get that try. I am older like you (about to 36 next month), so I feel like I don't have much time AND the events that need to take place are pretty complicated, but here it goes. I left my job before Thanksgiving (mutual separation, but let's just say not with the timing I planned, as I was still trying to set up my new work...and still am, but should start this month). This time at home has left me soul-searching for what I really want to do next. In discussions with my DH, I have decided to pursue my PhD, while working my new job (it's at UM and in the same building as classes would be, so that's pretty handy). I realized yesterday, though that the deadline for applications for fall 2010 were due on December 1st. SHIT! I have a good working relationship with the past chair of the deparatment, though, so I emailed him on a whim. He thinks we can get me IF I get in and IF I can finish my course work in the first year to take the qualifying exam in the spring of 2011 and IF I pass and obtain candidacy, THEN DH said we can do Microsort to try for our girl. I was FLOORED when he proposed this on New Year's Eve. He has always wanted me to go back to school and it would allow me to make more $, so we could even consider being able to afford another baby.

Sorry this got so long. My point was that even though my situation is different, it is VERY painful to see other families with 2 little boys and then a baby girl. I have had THREE friends who had boys first get PG and have their baby girls this past year. They are friends on FB, so I feel like it is a slap in the face each time they put up new pictures. I can't help myself and look and stupid me will write I get an email (on my Blackberry) each time someone else comments. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. It's like torture.

I hope this will get easier for you Nancy. It does sound like you have a great family and life. ((((HUGS))))


Deserving Mom aka Blupoetres said...

I know I'm a little late but I can completely understand your jealously. After many complications with conceiving and delivering my son, my husband and I agreed (well, I coerced) him to have a vascetomy. Mind you if we win the lottery and I can hire a nurse to take care of me 24/7, he'd have a reversal in a minute. I can't keep my hands off of pregnant bellies and it seems as if now when I know I can't get pregnant that I'm surrounded by other women who are! So while we know we're blessed, and we love our children, that desire is a tough one to deal with.


Beth said...

Nancy, I totally get what you're saying and don't think you should feel badly about it at all. I remember after I had Connelly that I had 2 close friends that were getting ready to have their babies and I was so jealous of them. I wanted it to be me back at the hospital having the baby and getting to have that initiate time w/ a newborm & my hubby. I didn't understand myself at all. I am sorry for the sadness that all this is bringing to you and hope that you are able to get some closure somehow.

PS, I love Mr. Goodbars:)

Marie said...

I get depressed that I will NEVER even get to experience pregnancy, never mind the jealousy of not being able to "have another."

BTW, "put up for adoption" is considered derogatory these days. "Making an adoption plan" is considered more politically correct (even if you're not PC).