My jealousy issues revisited.

Let me preface this by saying I know I'm blessed beyond words for my 3 children. I started out wanting 2 and I got 3. We are the perfect family. I know this. I'm just having difficulty in saying goodbye to pregnancy and I want to discuss some thoughts I had. Please don't judge me and send me hateful comments. Thanks. (like someone who would send me hateful comments to begin with would see my plea and not do it!)

Okay.

I've mentioned how I'm really jealous over other pregnancies I see. Just having to come to the conclusion it's a chapter of my life which is over with is tough. So seeing others go through pregnancy is hard. It's a different "hard" than "IF hard" though. When I saw other pregnancies when I was actively trying to conceive, it was a shitload harder. "They" had something I was trying to get myself. So the jealousy was a different monster than what I have now.

What I have now is the jealousy that I'll ~never~ feel it again. And I got to comparing it to someone who has decided to live child free due to infertility (I know there are many reasons why this decision would come into play, but I'm focusing on this one reason). And NO - I'm not saying it's the same thing! I'm just thinking of how the two are similar, like as in the feelings of finality each one entails. And in this small little way, I feel a little closer to the girls who are living child free as a permanent decision. And as sad as I feel for myself, my heart aches that much more for each woman who is in this place without being able to experience pregnancy.

I got my tubes tied like an idiot, so I'm not going to even get a chance at an "oops" pregnancy. I'm done. Finished. Kaput. The decision of "living without another pregnancy" was made and I must stick by that decision no matter how much I don't want to. If you ask my husband, he wouldn't call me getting my tubes tied an idiot move. He'd call it a smart move. He doesn't want anymore children. It's me who does. But the lines between wanting to have more children and wanting to be pregnant again are very blurry.

Last night, as AF made a surprise appearance, I had an epiphany about my period. I shared it with my husband, but all I got was a nod. Heh. Anywho, I never understood how women didn't know more about their AFs - like when it was due or when ovulation happened or whatnot. And then it hit me. I NEVER let my body do what it does naturally. Until now. See, I didn't get my period until I was 16 (I was a competitive gymnast growing up and it effected my puberty) and I went on the pill before I was 17. The only time I got off the pill was for TTC reasons - so I kept track of my cycle. So I always knew when AF would make an appearance - on the pill I was regular down to the hour and when I was ttc, I was on full red alert (no pun intended).

So here I am. My tubes are tied so I have no need for the pill. My cycles have been ~fucked up~ in regards to timing. I'm having anything between a 13 day cycle to a 27 day cycle. I know some of the fucked-up-ness is due to the cortisone shots in my spine (remember me telling you the doctor told me that the injections could "mess up" my cycle?) but I don't know what else could me screwing with it. All my talking shit about women who were clueless about their cycles is coming back to me threefold. Karma, eh?

Where am I going with this post? Oh yes, my jealousy. More than that though, my sadness. I'm brokenhearted I won't have another child. And with that statement comes some massive guilt. I'm jealous over not being able to feel something ~again~. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Wow, that comes out really wrong. I AM happy with my 3 beautiful, wonderful, amazing children. I even got blessed in the aspect of having a ~boy~ after two girls. I have everything I asked for. And yet I want more. I'm SO fucking lame.

Honestly though, I haven't completely shut the door on the chance of having more children. I may just go through IVF again. Highly doubtful, but also possible. (Sure, as possible as winning the lottery!) And there is also adoption. I may be offered a child in some random situation. Back when I was ttc Karl, we were offered a baby from an acquaintance who was trying to find a home for her neice's child who was going to be put up for adoption. So things happen. And as rare, random and not possible they are, it's never 100%, right?

Thanks for sticking with me through this entire random post. I'm surprising myself with the intense feelings of jealousy I am having. I'm jealous over things I've already been through. And there's another thing - I'm quite a bit older now. 95% of the girls going through their pregnancies right now - beit their first or second - are way younger than I. I'm at the age where I wanted to be done with pregnancies and raise my children. The pregnant girls are in their child making years (totally generalizing here!) and I am past that.

My goodness. I'm rambling. Thanks again! Here's an OOTB ("out of the blue") question ... What is your favorite candy bar? (and if you don't eat candy, let's pretend someone was holding a gun to your head to pick out and eat that candybar.) I'll tell you my favorite in the comments.