What is the worst thing ~you~ have ever said to anyone?
(a lot of the time we don't even know we've said something horrible, but many times, we realize we've said something horrible, usually too late to undo the damage. Do you remember yours?)
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
38 comments:
Get out of my house, we made a mistake- I want a divorce. Said during fight that brought my answer to #1. I am still glad that we were able to work through that one & now we both agree that if divorce is mentioned it can't be during a fight.
I'm sure that I have said other things that hurt someone terribly, but that is the worst I know of.
When I was in the 2nd grade I called a girl that was mean to me a f@g. I had no idea what it meant and even now I can not imagine where I heard it. But I said it and the girl knew what it meant told the teacher and I had to have a conference with the girl's family and my family. Looking back I am glad that SO much was done in the situation. I still have shame. And I will never say the word again.
Yeah. Um.... I do get to preface this with my very immature age at the time, right? Good.
Okay, so I'm 15 and at one of my first swim team after-meet parties, no doubt acting more gregarious than I really felt. We're watching MTV, and a video comes on. It wasn't Baby Got Back, but one of the same genre. The camera is focusing on one of the dancers' legs, and it's a thickish leg in a very tiny dress.
"Eeeeeew," I exclaim, "that girl has got BIG legs!"
"Thanks," says the team's female butterfly specialist (female butterfliers and breaststrokers trend towards thicker body types, compared to their lither backstroke and freestyle sisters).
"Ooops," I stammer, I didn't mean you, I meant HER, pointing to the screen.
"Yeah, she's a LOT smaller than I am," she said matter-of-factly.
She was right. I was sooooo stupid.
I know I've said other bad things, but to call someone's body type out like that at a party full of high schoolers... unforgiveable. I can't believe I was so thoughtless.
Flash-forward 10 years, when PCOS gifted me with a surprise 60 pounds in a year, I think I got mine.
I was out for dinner with my best friend and she asked me how all was going. I told her how lonely I was since none of our friends had kids and there wasn't anyone to talk to about this.
Um, yeah she was due a few months after me and had lost her baby. DOH! When I realized I apologized. She said no need because she wanted me to treat her like I would any friend and not to use kid gloves and just talk about the weather but I STILL feel terrible.
during a fight with my mother I told her that I only loved because she was my mother. Granted, at that time I meant it but still...
"You'll never amount to anything. You're a worthless piece of shit that doesn't care about anyone but youself"
It's true though. My ex is a worthless piece of shit but he was on the verge of suicide after I said it.
Worst thing I've ever said... Wow... that's hard.
Probably, "This baby isn't even yours."
Yea.... that probably was it, it was during baby #6 and I was IRATE with my ex. I was looking for a way to get away from him, and that came out in anger.
I have never spoken another cruel word in a fight again.
"I hate you!"
Ive said this many times to my parents & even to DH on rare occassions. I never ment it but it just came out sometimes when I'm really pissed. I think HATE is a strong word... I should never say that.
The worst thing I've said? Sheesh this is a hard one...
"You are a bad father"
I said this to my husband the first year of our marraige. I know, it's bad. I was so angry that he wasn't spending enough time with his son (fr another relationship). I said it in a heated argument and immediately regretted it.
When I was in junior high, my mom dropped me off across from the school instead of in the parking lot. When I slammed the car door, I muttered "I hate you."
Instantly, I wished I could take back those words. Now many years later, I still feel awful. Stupid teenager.
"I wish we had never gotten married" Ugh, it kills me to even REPEAT it now..
It was when DH finally realized that something was terribly wrong w/our marriage..I am SO glad we weathered the storm and got our sh*t together, but still, that was an awful, awful time.
hm, probably that i talk to my mom because i have to and i feel guilty if i don't. gah. i'm sure i've said much more but that's the first thing to come to mind...
I was in high school, and very immature as this post will point out. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend after finding out that he had cheated on me with my best friend. I called another friend of my crying and saying "You just don't understand what it feels like to have him cheat on me with my best friend!." She said to me, and rightly so, "Yes I do. You did this to me when I thought ~we~ were best friends." I had kissed a guy she was dating once in a very bad judgement moment a few months before.
DUH! Stupid me. I still feel bad I did that :(
the worst thing I ever said to someone...
question asked: Tell me!... How long? When did it start? We were friends...
Answer: Yes I have been sleeping with your husband and I have been off and on since long before you got married. It started New Years Eve 2000... So about 6 years now
A few come to mind (isn't that terrible?):
- telling my mother that I didn't like my sister and how terrified I was that she would ruin my wedding day.
- Not simply saying I'm so sorry in talking to my SIL about her miscarriage. It was the first time I had ever come face to face with it and didn't know what to say, so I said all the wrong things (like, at least you know you can get pregnant and you have Lauryn, etc...) terrible! I know, I know!
The first thing that comes to mind was in sixth grade. Our class had gone camping for the week and we were on a hike. My best friend was freaking out about the posibility of there being snakes around and I was getting so annoyed because I thought she was being ridiculous. In frustration I said: "I don't why I'm even friends with you."
We got in a huge fight. Luckily she forgave me for this. I can't believe I said something so horrible. I can say that since then I have much more patience and understanding when it comes to other people's fears.
I am still embarassed about it, and don't want to repeat it here. Suffice it to say, I am inappropriate at wakes/funerals and should not be invited. If invited, duct tape my mouth at the front door.
While arguing with a friend she asked if I didn't want to be friends anymore... I told her it would be "no big loss". Immediately followed by "That is NOT how I meant it to come out". What I actually meant was that I rarely saw her anymore (she had a new boyfriend) and was feeling left out.
The one thing I still feel guilty about 20 years later is after moving to the city one girl attempted to become my friend. By this point I'd been in school for about a week and knew she was a social outcast and that I would become one as well if I befriended her. I never even gave her a chance. I feel horrible about it to this day.
Many, many years ago, before I had even begun to think about having children, I implied (can't remember my exact words) to a new mother that postpartum depression probably wasn't that bad, that maybe these women are overmedicated and just need to get out of the house more.
WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS.
I can't believe how hurtful and stupid my comments were.
And after I gave birth I slipped into serious postpartum depression and needed antidepressants myself.
I was so young and ignorant.
I said to my mom "I hate you!" I was 13. I still feel bad about it.
"I wish you'd never been born!"
I said that to my daughter when she was about two weeks old. I was in the midst of a serious bout of post partum depression and basically wanted to die. I screamed that at her in tears one night. Of course, she did not understand what I said and has no memory of it now, but I still feel guilty.
I was visiting my SIL and what I was wearing apparently accentuated my "saddle bags" (I'm 5'5" and weighed 110 lbs at the time.) She said, "Mareike, what's that, tennis balls in your back pockets?" I responded by saying, "Never mind BASKET BALLS!" She was over weight and, I'm sure, insecure about that and I can still cry over having said something so mean.
"Your girlfriend has a frankenvagina." Said in anger to an ex who was now dating the girl (a friend) she had cheated on me with. What they did was wrong, but Anne had a very rare form of endometriosis and, even before discovering my own infertility, I immediately regretted saying something so hurtful about another woman's medical problems. Still regret it. I hope she never told Anne.
I've said some really awful things, most of them not on purpose. But the one I hate most is "I hate you" to my parents. Yeah, it was muttered during my teenage years, and I think that's pretty common, but that doesn't make me feel any better about saying it.
Goodness - I know there have been some but I have effectively banished them from my memory.
In elementary school there was a not-so-cool boy (before I really even understood what cool was) who had a crush on me. I got into a big fight with my Mom because I didn't want to give him a Valentine and she said I had to make one out for everyone in my class. When we were putting our valentines in everyone's boxes, I left his in my sack and threw it away.
For some reason, I have never forgotten that.
Well, I'm really embarrassed about this, BUT..
A couple weeks ago I took all 4 kids to the pedi and the baby had to have 3 shots, a hemoglobin, and his iron level checked. Suffice it to say, we were at the pedi for a while and then I took the kids to Kmart to buy coloring books for behaving so well.
Then I decided to take them to a shoe store and have the baby fitted for his first official pair of shoes and they were acting HORRIBLY. Running around, screaming, shoving each other into racks of athletic clothing, I was SOOOO embarrassed bc I do NOT tolerate that kind of behavior.
Nothing I did was stopping them, and the saleslady was laughing her butt off at them and I just kind of rolled my eyes in exasperation and jokingly said, "You can have the oldest 3 if you're up for it."
She stopped laughing and looked at me and said, "I never was able to have children. I guess it just wasn't meant to be."
I started crying and apologizing to her, I felt SO bad. She remained friendly with me and the kids but I couldn't help but feel I hurt her in some way, even though she never let on.
I still feel terrible about that.
:(
Steph
stephs_3_kidz
My god, I don't even want to think about this. I'm sure I've said a lot of terrible things that I've blocked out of my memory.
Once in highschool, I did tell this really religious girl "Satan loves you". She was snooty, snobby but it was still mean.
I am sure I have said other things but one thing that comes to mind is when my husband and i were talking about our on/off relationship during our college years. (He would go kinda MIA when I would return to school 2 states away when we were first dating.)
Somehow we were talking about his crap he put me through and that I was an idiot...and I said, if I could I wouldn't do it again.
I MEANT I wouldn't have taken his shit and stood up for myself or called him out on it. He took it as I wasn't happy and wouldn't have married him again if given the choice. I felt like an ass.
Seeing a client whose dog's easily treatable condition was made horrible by lack of timely care. She found someone who would pay to treat the dog if she could come up with the first $20. It took her months to even save that much money.
The problem was so out of control by that time the normal treatment didn't work and we had to switch to something fairly toxic. During a discussion about this the owner tells me she's pregnant again.
And I say, "Well, THAT'S all you need."
I apologized profusely. She went somewhere else and I don't blame her at all.
It's taken me a few days to write this - I was more than willing to talk about the hurt (and joy) that has come my way but more reluctant to talk about the hurt I have caused others. For me, hurting someone else is far worse than being hurt.
That being said, the worst was when DD was a few months old, and DS was acting out horrendously. I'd had enough so I sat down on the floor, crying and told him, "I am SO sick of you!" This of course made him cry and he said, "No mamma, I am sick of YOU".
It made me feel like a ginormous piece of shit and made me really re-examine my parenting (and coping) skills. I can't say I am a perfect mom, but it took that moment to make me do a lot of changing in my life.
Hopefully he'll never remember that moment, but I know I always will.
I don't have one specific thing that I remember, though I'm positive I've said some horrible stuff.
I have the tendency to call names jokingly, and I really want to change this. A hurtful name is still a hurtful name, even if it is said as a joke.
Also, when I was in HS I treated my younger sister like crap and I'm sure I said horrible things to her. If I could take it all back I would.
When I broke up with my first long-time love - the man I lived with for five years -- the one who I left one evening with the understanding of reconciliation (because I truly thought I still loved him) -- but really, in leaving, I had just made the decision he hadn't the guts to make...and he ended up moving on very quickly (within weeks) with the skinny, beautiful JCrew-ish model who lived downstairs...he married her within a year.
"I hope someone you love dies so that you can understand this pain"
not even a year later, before his wedding, his father would die suddenly of a heart attack -- the man I knew and loved, a man who his new girlfriend (and later bride) would never know -- never know how tied he was to his father, how connected -- and I always felt that I unleashed some terrible power in the universe and vowed never to put that kind of terrible whole-hearted wishing upon anyone ever again...
Keeping in mind that I grew up in a house where my dad verbally and physically abused my mother and us 5 kids, I said a horrible thing to my mom (after hearing my dad call her this). I was probably 12 or 13 and I called her a "Slut Butt". I didn't even know what a slut was. I hurt her feelings and felt terrible afterwards. Damn me!
"You should divorce him. You are better off without him."
I was sooooo wrong.
I don't love you
"Did you know Bob Marley cheated on his wife with over 50 women because he felt 'entitled'? Kind of like the Mormons"...this to a guy who's parents were still active in the church. He wasn't and I didn't know but it doesn't matter. His parents heard, we had to see them at his wedding the next day and I had no idea how to apologize (so I didn't, just avoided them) because it was such an egregious statement. I'm way more careful these days.
I get nastier with my husband than I ever should. I hate it. It makes me cry and fill up with guilt and sadness. But, I do it more often than I should. So, any time I've yelled at him goes onto this list.
One is so bad that I don't want to publish it (but I'll tell you if you ask).
I was extremely depressed once and extremely frustrated with my doctor and everyone else that was trying to help me. I was venting to my dad about it and, very angrily said, "it's like idiots on parade", which he took as applying to him as well. He started to cry and said "we are all doing the best we can". I felt like I couldn't have been more cruel, even though it was specifically directed at him. Things don't get much worse than making your dad cry.
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