... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
70 comments:
You keep going out there and acting like a whore.
My dad....
My grandfather, during Christmas break my senior year of college: "Rachel, you need to lay off the groceries, you're looking thick around the middle." Started me on a 5-year cycle of bulimia and compulsive exercise.
The test came back positive for Rett Syndrome.
I can't pick one. So I will say two.
A few days after the miscarriage of my first pregnancy, my best friend told me "at least it wasn't really a baby yet."
When we found out Reagan was a girl, my Father in law said to my husband "Thats the worst news. Girls are curses. You must have done something really bad and God is punishing you."
"that was a little insensitive BUT..."
(after my first miscarriage when one of my SIL's announced her 3rd preg seconds after peeing on the fucking stick)
she basically went on to say that the miscarriage wasn't that big of a deal...
"you're robbing souls from God by creating these babies" Said by my cousin during IVF #1.
Sadly (and I don't think I'll ever blog about this) my mom was the one who said it. About 6 months after my dad died, we were having a very emotional conversation, I told her that I loved him (my dad), and she said, "I don't think he ever knew that."
I'm not mad at her anymore but I will never ever forget that pain.
"its not like it was a real person" after our 2nd pg loss, when we lost our son. i still haven't really forgiven the "friend" who said it.
When I was 12 years old at a party I was too young to be at, by a man who was too old to be there himself:
"You...you are ugly as hell. And a drunk man never lies. You are ugly."
Wow....
Fuuuuuck you old freaky drunk man.
(not ugly)
It wasn't so much the words as the idea...my husband accused me of giving a friend of ours a copy of a CD that he wanted her to hear in order to undercut him. I was shocked to find out that he could think that of me, and I don't think I've gotten over it.
Oh, I guess I should add...apparently, he thought he should give her the CD. Even though I saw her every day.
I want to write mine and find I can't because I said that I was over it and I'm so obviously not.
"I told your uterus to wait until we could be pg together"
Said to me by a supposed best friend after I had been TTC for 3.5 years. She's now pg after 2 months trying and I'm at the 4 yr TTC mark. Great f-ing friend.
"4 miscarriages in 11 mos?" "Well at least they weren't "real" children"
Said to me today actually, by a co-worker that just found out that we had our 4th miscarriage..They were our babies..and they were as real as it gets!!
Everything my mother has ever said to me. Pearls include, but not limited to:
1) "Stupid" - every fucking day of my childhood.
2) What is WRONG with you??
3) If you were a boy, you would have saved my marriage
4) Choir? Why? - You can't sing!
5) Musical? Why? - You can't dance!
6) She gave me a "condolence" card when Dave got cancer.
7) On having my first baby - "Don't worry, babies have been surviving stupid mothers for centuries."
8) Ugly
I have so fucking many more, but now I must go punch something.
And she wonders why I never see her!!
Well, I've told you before that my dad was physically and verbally abusive.
One time, when I was 16 or 17, he had just gotten done hurting me--I can't remember what he phsyically did--either twisted my wrist or did something else, and I was crying. I had to go to work (across the road, stuffing envelopes) and he said, "Why don't you go cover up your ugly face first?"
Obviously, he didn't want me to go over there with red, puffy eyes. He always made a point of calling us names, teaching us as kids to call each other names. When I was going through puberty, he called me "Pizzaface" and got all my younger siblings to follow suit. They didn't know any better, and I don't blame them.
I hate him! I really do. I have gotten over it now, but it's a horrible thing when you're a teenager with low self-esteem and your own dad calls you names.
"I'm so sorry. There isn't a heartbeat anymore."
It was only 3 weeks after we saw our little girl's heart thumping away and it was a week after she stopped growing.
There's two:
1. When my ex broke up with me, he said "I was only with you for the sex anyway"
and
2. After my miscarriage, my husband's half sister said "It doesn't hurt! I had one! It doesn't hurt!" and when his SIL told his niece I flushed the baby down the toilet.
My mom when I was about 11: "you are a fat, ungrateful pig."
Put on repeat for years before and a few years after.
"You don't know what I've sacrificed for you. You are ungrateful. You are slovenly. You are lazy. You want all the nice things that your friend ______ has, well ______ isn't as ungrateful like you are."
Or, when I came home from a party in high school -- looking for an afterschool special moment -- everyone was drinking -- I was feeling out of place
"better get used to it now -- people drinking and fucking around you cause baby that's what the real world's like"
"Your father kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant with you"...etc. etc. etc.
I can hear it ring in my head verbatim today...twenty years later.
The fucked up thing is this is the same woman who said nice things -- so how do you discern the truth from the lies?
It is most definitely... "There is no heartbeat."
I'm sorry to all you lovely ladies that have had such horrible things said to you. It breaks my heart to read the comments especially the ones said about losing babies (I've been there) and said BY parents. HORRIBLE!
Why? :)~
Happy Birthday by the way, I'm really sorry I didn't tell you on the day but with my grandma passing things have been tough.
"don't pretend you didn't like it"
- after being raped -
Poltzie...Mine said "Don't tell anyone because you know you asked for this"
And my mom, after I told her what had happened "Well what did YOU do to lead him on? You know it's YOUR fault"
Rape..such an ugly, unforgiveable thing..I don't think I'll ever be over it
Im so sorry.
The one that sticks in my brain, which is probably not the worst ever said but...
(backstory: I have fibromyalgia, which makes my skin/joints really sensitive. Gets worse in heat or cold. My DH had been repeatedly poking me all day and I was getting tired of it. I finally told him not to poke, tickle, lick, pinch or otherwise damage me.)
"God Jen, you're such a bitch! No wonder you can't get pregnant." - My sister, overhearing this conversation
Wow, eye opening comments. I am so shocked by people each and every day...
My MIL when we told her I was pregnant again (after a m/c and a long time TTC again).
"Well, let's hope this one sticks."
My SIL -
"You're a classless goddamned whore who shit talks your family in public" followed by "I think it's tacky and tasteless to send out an email with a registry for a kid that isn't even yours" (since, you know, he's adopted).
top three:
you will never make anything useful of yourself. You'll end a piece of shit like your father- Mom
Fat whores never get nice men who want to marry them.- Dad
Why can't you be pretty like your twin sister. She will have everything and you have nothing- both parents
and the last two fertility related.
you think after an ectopic, 3 miscarriages and 2 failed IVF's you get the hint. Children are not in your future...
Your father is brain dead and a decision needs to be made to pull the vent. It seems so sad he did not get to see his grandchild. She is due any day now right?
"I don't want to see that ultrasound picture or video. They are disgusting!"
Which any pregnant woman would hear as - your baby is gross and not worthy of me looking at it. My grandmother said it. She also told me not to call her to the hospital until the baby was bathed, smelling like baby powder and wrapped in a pink blanket.
Not much compared to many of you, and while I've had "worse" things said to me, this one hurt the most.
a few choice ones-
'it's so rude to send a christmas card from a baby not even born' & 'you only invited our side to your wedding to get gifts out if us'- mil during a horrendous e-mail fight that had nothing at all to do with me but turned into the absolute worst experience during my pregnancy & I ~am~ still very bitter.
-my own mother telling me repeatedly how huge my ass is during adolescence. even though she claims it was all jokes it led to years & years of body image issues.
-I didn't even want to get pregnant- this is all your thing - by the hub during a particularly vicious fight at about 6 weeks when stress was at an all time high. of course he apologized & now she is his world, but i still remember wanting to leave him for that in that moment.
not as bad as some others- ladies my heart goes out to you!
when my dad called me a freak and a disappointment.
So many, cant pick one. I realise not as bad as some peoples but still hurt:
Bullies at school: 'you are a fat ugly transvestite and know one will ever love you or marry you'.
Mum: 'You are too fat to wear that, maybe you should wear something baggy to cover up your stomach'.
Doctor: 'I cant see you having a baby naturaly, you will need IVF'
MIL: 'Well if you have IVF make sure you have twins, that way you can have all your babies at once'.
My ex boyfriend told me I was a stupid cunt and he wanted to slit my throat. Nice, huh?
"If you weren't out trying to make babies, I would be recommending you for this...."
- Said by my boss. Just about a month after we lost Isobel and Jovita.
That's the first one that comes to mind.
And I am so, so sorry for all of the hurtful things that I am reading here this morning. My gosh, people are fuckers.
I'm so sorry for everyone! People are just rude fucking assholes and I want to beat every one of them up!
How many answers do you need?
One: She is stupid and pretends a lot.
Two: None of them went to Day 5.
"Be sure to take the whole bottle, do it right this time" - boyfriend (now ex)after he beat me and choked me, and I attempted to take 40 Xanax to end it all.
"You are nothing, you will always be nothing, no one loves you, and nobody ever will" - same guy.
Sigh.
an ex aunt told me that the reason I couldn't look at my Grandfather in his coffin was because I must be feeling shame over what an awful person I was. This was said to me after this ex aunt found my blog and was pissed off that I had written that my uncle was planning on divorcing this woman. And even though I know this lady is bat-shit crazy, what she said totally cut me. Still does.
Holy crap, people are such ass-holes.
"I was hoping you would be happy for me". Said by a friend who called me at lunchtime during the work-day to tell me she was KU'd. Said "friend" knew details of our 1.5 yr+ TTC trouble.
By the snotty woman at Kinko's one day when my boys were loud and I was in a hurry, "Some people shouldn't take their crotch droppings out in public."
After reading all of these, I want to cry.
I think mine would be:
"It's not that you aren't pretty enough or thin enough...."
Said to me the summer after 9th grade by the friend of my boyfriend who had been charged with breaking up with me for him. I was in the middle of the worst of my anorexia/bulimia cycling and the thinnest I had ever been in my life. But, apparently, not thin or pretty enough for this drug-dealing asshole.
I have a couple, although none of them are even close to most of these.
"You know, you would be really good looking if you had big boobs" said to me by a guy friend when I was nineteen.
"Some people glow when they are pregnant, but you are just not one of them" said to me by a co-worker after I had gotten up at 4:30 in the morning to work the day after Thanksgiving sale when I was about six months pregnant.
"At least you know you can get pregnant."
--spoken about a week after my stillbirth, by someone trying to conceive. WTF??? I know she was worried about her own situation, but seriously? Who says that???
I'm not sure if I can think of anything specific and I would like to think the good things people think or say outweigh the bad, but I do know the comments that hurt the worst usually pertain to people making a judgement call against my characterwhen I am under stressful times; mainly because under normal circumstances I do try to be a"good" and compassionate human being who makes intelligent choices. In those cases it always feels like I'm being pegged a horrible person bc I'm not "perfect" all the time.
"Babe, there's nothing they can do for me. We can't have kids."
Actually, someone told me last weekend that people in my community might actually burn my Avon catalogs because of pictures of "naked" women. (They're not naked, they just don't have a lot of clothes on them.)
Also when my RE told me my hCG numbers weren't doubling.
When I found out I was pg with baby #1 (after TTCing for 13 months), it was also about 3 months after my dad passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack.
I was getting ready for work that morning, and I called my mom, all excited to tell her, and she said, "Who cares? Your dad's not here now, so why should it even matter? Besides, you don't even know how to take a pregnancy test, those things don't work."
Strange thing is, that baby (who is now 8) has never even really liked my mom.
The second thing is, about 3 weeks after my dad died, my mom said to me, "Why do you care if he's dead? You always made him feel unwelcome in your house because you wouldn't let him smoke."
That list could go on and on and on. I would say it was her grief talking but she's always been that way, I don't even speak to her now.
Steph
stephs_3_kidz
Wow. That people would say the things written here completely blows my mind.
The only things I can think of are really shallow...like "have you seen the people who run marathons? They have no body fat!" (said by a complete stranger when I mentioned that I someday WILL run a marathon).
I just wanted to say I'm sorry to all the other people who commented out there. There are so really mean people in this world and I am sorry you have come across them.
I have had mean things said to me in the past but none as terrible as others here. So, I would feel more terrible to post anything other than an apology to anyone who's been hurt by words uttered by others.
My stepfather: "You are such a horrible child, you are the reason your father is dead." (my father died of a heart condition when I was a teenager).
Second place:
My father in law: "What's the matter with you guys? Can't you make boys?" (upon learning that we were expecting our second daughter).
During my IVF#1 ET,embryologist walks in as i was laying on table awaiting my tranfer ...she asks rudely "do you still want to tranfer the embryo ...i think it is already dead" :(
Said by my mother when I was around 11, "You're getting too chucky to do ballet." (I was 5'2 and weighed less than 90 pounds, no wonder I developed an eating disorder)
"You're nothing but a whore", also by my classy mother when I asked to go to the dr to get birth control when I was 16.
"No wonder you have no friends, you're a bitch", also said by my mother because none of my friends wanted to come to my birthday party because of HER!
No one loves you and no one will ever love you.
From my mother. That one sent me into therapy for a while.
"It's no secret that you're the reason Dan can't see Aiden."
--Said by my mother-in-law about why my stepson's mother doesn't allow my husband to see his son.
God, people are horrible.
Maybe not the worst thing that has ever been said, but one that has always stuck with me:
You would be really pretty if only you were a perfect size 6.
By my first boyfriend, about 18 years ago. And for some reason, I can't forget it.
"I'm sorry but we're going to have to take mom off life support"
I don't know if this is the worst thing or not but probably the one that shocked me the most.
"If you could choose, who would you rather pick to have back with you, your husband or baby?"
I mean seriously, who the fuck says that to a 6 week old widow and to a person who had a D&C just a week ago!!
Wow, I have a few. Let me give two...
1. My ex-husband finally looked at me and told me that we would never work it out because he just didn't love me. He didn't want to work on it. He wanted out.
Looking back, I am glad he was so honest because my life is better now. But at the time it hurt like hell.
2. This was I have heard multiple times. When asked if Payton is our only child and I tell them no, that we lost our firstborn after 5 days, people will then say "Oh, so this is your first child."
What didn't they understand about the fact that our first child is dead? I jsut don't get it...
Senior Year in High School, after I had been accepted into every school I had applied to, was head Cheerleader, had great grades and in Choir, so I was riding on cloud nine. We were at my Aunts for Thanksgiving, and were talking about my college choices, when my sister out of no where threw a pop (full) at my face and busted my lip. My mom just sat there. I stayed with my cousin the rest of the break. We went to my house after dinner so I could get some clothes. My cousin asked my mom why she didn't say or do anything to my sister,(who was 13 at the time), and my mom just looked at her with a straight face and said... "Maybe it will bring her down" But with my mom that was only one example. When I was pregnant with my daughter (at 24 mind you so I wasn't a child)I waited for a while to tell my mom, unsure of how she would act. When I finally did she was quiet and got off the phone with me. A week later she called me back and told me not to tell anyone this was her grandchild because as far as she was concerned it wasn't (since I am unmarried. Her father and I are still together we just don't think we need marriage. We have known eachother for 15 years and have been together for 5. Our Daughter is about to be three). I have never been so mad at my mom. Those are the two worst
Oh ladies, mine don't feel so bad now. It makes me want to be even nicer to people because you never know what they've been through. I'm so sorry for all of you!
Here's mine. First, when sitting in the hospital awaiting news if my mom's cancer had spread, about a month after my miscarriage. Said REALLY loudly by my deaf uncle in the waiting room filled with family "So you having a lot of morning sickness? You lucky girl"
Noone told him, poor guy but it really stung at the moment.
Second, "We can't find the heartbeat, get the monkey wand, oops no heartbeat there either, why don't you wait for the dr."
Then 4 months later right before my D & C (yes 4 months people) "You have to sign a waiver for disposal of any leftover matter." LEFTOVER MATTER. Still stings. And last but not least, "your sister's cancer is back in her brain and spinal cord." Then, a few months later "Your sister isn't going to make it".
You mean Dad also abused you? I should have protected you better.
After over a year of TTC our first child, I made an appointment with my OB/GYN to discuss what the possible problems might be and to have my annual exam. Instead of answering my questions about TTC or give me any idea or what might be going on, she told me, "God just doesn't want you to have children, so you might as well give up trying now."
Then a few minutes later, while she was doing my breast exam, she found a lump and informed me I probably have breast cancer. I left the office hysterically crying and never went back again.
I found a new doctor and now have two beautiful and healthy little girls. My new doctor also did breast ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc. and determined that I didn't have breast cancer, just fibroadenoma. I have 21 non-cancerous tumors. I was so relieved when they told me that it wasn't cancer.
"You're not the happy person that you think you are." ~My high school drama teacher, apparently feeling that my bubble needed to be burst.
She was kind of a witchy person, and every once and a while, when I'm really depressed, I remember her saying that and wondering if she cursed me.
"Maybe God is telling you you're not meant to be a mother right now - he has a plan, you know."
-my MIL after my 3rd m/c
"well, look on the bright side... now you'll have more time to travel." - said by my mom the day i found out my first, horrendous ivf cycle failed.
after reading all of these comments, my heart truly goes out to each and every one of you. i cannot imagine the amount of pain some of you have lived through and are still able to share it with others. you inspire me.
Wow! I'm shocked by many of these horrible comments.
I know I have some worse things, but this came to mind...
"You are ruining my marriage"
Said by my stepmom because she wanted to kick me out when I was 18, but Dad didn't want me to leave.
She basically disowned me and still doesn't speak to me 8 + years.
My xdh after I miscarried: It's not that big of deal!
WTF asshole!
Oh and I was a dollar store one day and some lady in front of me was like oh your pregnant huh?
OMG--NO lady just FAT!!!
Your a stupid ni**er
Said by my MIL after 2 rounds of failed IVF and we finally got a BFP:
"It's like you guys are playing God trying to create what HE was supposed to create. If HE wanted you to have children, HE would have gotten you pregnant. This baby isn't concieved through love, it was concieved through science. I dont know if I can love it the same as the rest of my grand children."
Maybe this is the reason you have never seen and never will see your grandaughter AND the twins that we are expecting in early 2010. Your loss "grandma"
When I was a kid, my mother used to call me an "idjet", which I later realized she meant as "idiot".
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