heartbreak.

I needed to get out of the office from the solitude of coding at my computer. I thought a lunch out would help.

I'm sitting at "noodles" waiting for my food, chit-chatting with my coworker and I start listening to the lyrics of a coldplay song playing above me. Okay, I don't even really particulary like coldplay. But still, I listen.

"Fix You"
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what you're worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

cd1, c12

yipee. and she even came early. Good thing I cried for 6 hours yesterday so I am all done.

update: I'm totally not done. still crying.

secondarily in pain.

BFN today.

I wish most primaries were right. I wish I didn't feel like there was a knife in my heart right now. I wish I could cry, but I can't show it in front of my kids that I'm so lucky to even have. These two girls should make this hurt less, shouldn't it? WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T IT THEN?

It is understood, right?

I've seen so many other posts on the subject. From what I started with Primary vs Secondary Infertility.

I wasn't making a comparison between the two and how all people feel.

I wasn't saying anyone's life is better or worse between the two.

I wasn't saying anyone's pain is worse.

What I did say was I could compare my pain of ~not~ getting what I want(ed) at the time. The pain ~I~ felt when #1 wasn't coming is exactly the pain ~I~ feel when #3 isn't coming.

I never said I wasn't happy with what I have.

I never said ttc#1-ers, after long journeys, should feel the same as me. In fact, I said they most likely would not.

What I did say was the pain of the disappointment ~feels~ the same to ME. In the journey my life took me on.

So WHY did I write it at all? I simply tried to point out to those who may not understand how secondary infertiles can feel badly or even maybe WHY secondary infertiles should get a bit of support when needed too. Based on how I felt. That we're not all lollipops and roses holding a BFN, again, while another child calls us from the other room. That BFN hurts. And the disappointment sucks. And the WANT is the same.

I saw some comments that seemed to misrepresent my original comments and I just wanted to make sure I explained to anyone who may come back.

I felt both primary and secondary IF (in my little way). So I can comment, with some certainty, on how I felt/feel. I can't comment how anyone else in the entire world feels.

And to be honest, it's not even how I felt when I was primary. Back then, I would have argued my own conclusions (again, in my own journey), till the cows came home. So everyone not agreeing with me was completely expected. I just hope that no one was offended by my description of how ~I~ personally feel. Actually, I don't think it'd be possible to be offended because I never mentioned how anyone else should feel. Simply how it felt to be me.

That was fun. & I need some HELP!

I had so much fun last night just meeting all the girls. I want in. Definitely. Going to start going to practice.

So much fun that I didn't even flinch at my 10dpiui BFN. (okay, so it's a teeny early, but still.)

I need to come up with a name. The key to the name is it can't be taken nor even like any other names. Here is the ~master roster~. Did you take a look? See. It's an nearly impossible job.

I want my name to be a play on words. Even including my own name. I thought of "sick 'em Nancy" like Sid n Nancy, but "Skid'n Nancy" was already taken. I have an awesome version of Nancy Sinatra though, that it the forerunner of my own ideas.

I need your help. Any ideas out there? Any at all?

Roller Derby!

Monday is "recruit day" with the local roller derby teams and guess who is trying out? Little ole me.

I. can't. wait.

Really. Since I just hit 35, I feel my punkrock days are slipping away and I need to grab onto the horns with all my might. Can't think of a better way than to be a Pikes Peak Derby Dame.

I went roller skating today to brush up on my skills since I haven't been on roller skates, since, oh, I was 11 years old. And wow. I sucked at first. But after an hour or so, I was flying around the rink fast as could be. I am fast. But not so great on the whole stopping thing. heh. That'll be next. And I'm thinking that I'll normally be stopped by being pummeled by some hardcore derby girl anywho.

3 months before I can be picked up for a team unless I pass a skills assessment early. So we'll see how it goes. Whether I'm picked up or not is not what I'm going for (but I really want to wear a little school girl skirt & tank top for my official uniform. I really do.)

IF I end up with a BFP this next week, I'm sure my disappointment into not continuing with roller derby won't even make me bat an eyelash. Minimal disappointment for something that never was. But if it does end in a BFN, at least I have this to fall on. And if I do get to derby, I'm going to visualize every girl on the opposing team as a fertile mertile. How's that?

My brain is smarter than my heart.

I know that post-o temps mean absolutely nothing. When anyone else starts obsessing, I try to kindly point out that there is just nothing to really look at until LP time is up. I ~know~ this.

So my temps are pretty freaking high right now. Higher than ever. And I know I ovulated 2 nice plump eggs. So I know I have higher than normal progesterone levels due to 2 corpus luteums. I ~know~ this.

So why isn't my brain telling my heart to stop getting excited over nothing? Not only is my brain NOT telling my heart to stop, brain is enabling heart by allowing heart to use brains abilities to go "search for charts like your own". Good lord.

Or maybe it's all just a big conspiracy plan brought about by Miss Hope. Now that's something I can grab onto.

Primary vs. secondary(+) infertility.

As I was in the shower this morning, I thought, once again, what my results could be from this IUI. As I was thinking that there is no possible way it will be a bfp, I then thought "well, why ~not~ me?". Which the latter is totally Miss Hope speaking. She has a way with it you know.

Anywho, then I started thinking about how the disappointment will feel which then got me to thinking of I could compare this disappointment with the disappointments I felt when TTC#1. I'm in a particularly "lucky" place to have both felt the sting of primary and secondary infertility and to have also been on the receiving end of a "first try bfp". Lucky in not the conventional ways, but lucky in the aspect that I can call myself quite qualified to compare each type of disappointment I felt.

note: I do want to point out that this is relative to where ~I~ was in my ttc journey. I only went through 18 cycles to get #1. I acknowledge that I have no idea what it's like to go 30, 40, 60 cycles ttc#1. I can imagine the pain gets worse as time wears on and once you get there, I'm sure the two pains I will speak about are no longer the same. I do understand this. And I do feel sadness for all those heartbreaks out there.

When I was a ttc#1-er, I had little pity for the disappointment of a ttc#2-er. Even less for a ttc#3(+)-er. I just couldn't understand HOW they could even feel disappointment, when they were able to toss the BFN in the trash and then call for their little one to come and hug and cuddle the pain away. I thought it was almost rude for a ttc#2(+)-er to even admit they felt disappointment. But now that I'm in those shoes, I understand.

It's different, yes. And while I can't compare in which one feels worse, I can compare the different ways it felt bad. When TTC#1, I had that fear that I may never conceive at all. That I may be completely infertile. That was a scary proposition for sure. I think it was even the worst part of it - the fear of the unknown. On the opposite side, secondary infertility, or in my case, tertiary infertility, gives a whole different kind of fear. The fear that I will never get to feel it again. I know what I'll be missing. And even though I already have two children, which I feel so blessed to have received at all, I know in my heart my family isn't complete. I can tell you with 100% honesty that I don't long any less for #3 than I did for #1. The fears are different, but the WANT is still exactly the same. So the idea of not getting #3 for me is exactly the same as not getting #1. For ttc#2(+)-ers, hearing "well, at least you already have a child" hurts just as much as a ttc#1-er hearing "Well, at least you can have nice things instead of children". We want that child, whether it's #1 or #3, so telling us anything regarding not getting that child hurts like hell. Does this make sense?

I understand ttc#1-ers may not "get" this. I honestly don't know if I would of gotten it when I was ttc#1. I just don't think I would of been able to understand how in the world the ~pain~ of not being able to get #3 could be the same as not being able to get #1. I now see how it's just a different kind of pain. Not comparable in why each feels the way it does, but it hurts just as bad now as it did when I was still ttc#1.

Question to all you other IUI-ers...

I was told that you guys don't get to see the spermies making their way up the fallopian tubes during your IUIs.

What is the protocol for yours? Do you get an ultrasound day of IUI? What are all the steps that happen for you?

The steps for me on day of:
1. Fabulous speculum is inserted and then the catheter.
2. Speculum is taken out while they inject.
3. catheter taken out.
4. Wand goes in.
5. measurements of the follicles - looking for their collapse to make sure I actually Od. If I have not O'd quite yet, another insemination is scheduled for following day.
6. measurements of lining.
7. Watches "other" things - like tubes, to make sure you can see the spermies being "sucked up" tubes. Also looks for blood flow.

"100 miles south of Dallas"

The second IUI was completed an hour ago. I called my lovely husband while laying in the darkened room, hips propped up, waiting the obligatory "15 minutes" before leaving. (which, I asked why, as this has been proven to not do anything. And the nurse said "oh, we know - it just makes out patients feel better about it." heh.) First thing I asked was "where are you" and the answer was "oh, about 100 miles south of Dallas". So ~if~ on the slight chance I go get pregnant this cycle, I wanted to know exactly where my husband was at the moment of conception. THAT will go in the baby book.

Stats seemed okay from the frozen sample. 17 million w/ 68% motility. That's a grand total of 11.6 million men in there, trying to find 2 eggs. Yup. I let go of those two beautiful eggs.

The 3rd follicle was presently sitting at 17x18mm (up from 15x15 yesterday). The RE said he couldn't quite tell me what was happening with it.
~ It could have grown big enough, released and is now collapsing.
~ It could have just grown to this size from yesterday and could still release within the next day.
~ It could have just grown to this size from yesterday and it just going to shrink back down (which is the most likely option)

My lining was up to 8.1 - ~much~ better. I'm to take the estradiol for 3 more days. Then the progesterone test in 7 days and then of course, the beta in 14.

The second insemination was not scheduled, as I had obviously already ovulated, so a 2nd insemination tomorrow would essentially be too late. We were, however, told to do a bunch of "homework".

It was strange today. Just knowing my husband was so far away, not even thinking of the insemination, made it awkward. I wished I could of been on the phone with him during the IUI, but he's in the car with some buddies in Texas, so that would of been uncomfortable for him. I just hope that my hope alone was enough. I sat and watched the miracle of anatomy happening, as we watched, under ultrasound, at my tubes "sucking up the sperm" (my RE's words) and all I could do was quietly hope underneath all the science.