Primary vs. secondary(+) infertility.

As I was in the shower this morning, I thought, once again, what my results could be from this IUI. As I was thinking that there is no possible way it will be a bfp, I then thought "well, why ~not~ me?". Which the latter is totally Miss Hope speaking. She has a way with it you know.

Anywho, then I started thinking about how the disappointment will feel which then got me to thinking of I could compare this disappointment with the disappointments I felt when TTC#1. I'm in a particularly "lucky" place to have both felt the sting of primary and secondary infertility and to have also been on the receiving end of a "first try bfp". Lucky in not the conventional ways, but lucky in the aspect that I can call myself quite qualified to compare each type of disappointment I felt.

note: I do want to point out that this is relative to where ~I~ was in my ttc journey. I only went through 18 cycles to get #1. I acknowledge that I have no idea what it's like to go 30, 40, 60 cycles ttc#1. I can imagine the pain gets worse as time wears on and once you get there, I'm sure the two pains I will speak about are no longer the same. I do understand this. And I do feel sadness for all those heartbreaks out there.

When I was a ttc#1-er, I had little pity for the disappointment of a ttc#2-er. Even less for a ttc#3(+)-er. I just couldn't understand HOW they could even feel disappointment, when they were able to toss the BFN in the trash and then call for their little one to come and hug and cuddle the pain away. I thought it was almost rude for a ttc#2(+)-er to even admit they felt disappointment. But now that I'm in those shoes, I understand.

It's different, yes. And while I can't compare in which one feels worse, I can compare the different ways it felt bad. When TTC#1, I had that fear that I may never conceive at all. That I may be completely infertile. That was a scary proposition for sure. I think it was even the worst part of it - the fear of the unknown. On the opposite side, secondary infertility, or in my case, tertiary infertility, gives a whole different kind of fear. The fear that I will never get to feel it again. I know what I'll be missing. And even though I already have two children, which I feel so blessed to have received at all, I know in my heart my family isn't complete. I can tell you with 100% honesty that I don't long any less for #3 than I did for #1. The fears are different, but the WANT is still exactly the same. So the idea of not getting #3 for me is exactly the same as not getting #1. For ttc#2(+)-ers, hearing "well, at least you already have a child" hurts just as much as a ttc#1-er hearing "Well, at least you can have nice things instead of children". We want that child, whether it's #1 or #3, so telling us anything regarding not getting that child hurts like hell. Does this make sense?

I understand ttc#1-ers may not "get" this. I honestly don't know if I would of gotten it when I was ttc#1. I just don't think I would of been able to understand how in the world the ~pain~ of not being able to get #3 could be the same as not being able to get #1. I now see how it's just a different kind of pain. Not comparable in why each feels the way it does, but it hurts just as bad now as it did when I was still ttc#1.