Thursday, September 20, 2007

I needed a slap of reality (children mentioned & pictures displayed)

Nope, she still didn't call, so I don't know what this month will entail. I will try to get the point through that I want to try a natural cycle without the triggering, just to see if it can happen, thereby foregoing all the costs if I ~can~ ovulate now. We'll see about that.

Until then, I need to stop focusing on the disappointments in my life and focus on the reason I live my life. For me, it's obviously my children. Before my children, when I was TTC#1 still, it was my friends and hobbies and of course, my husband. But I would have to force myself to focus on them. You know, the best snowboarding season I've EVER had was the one that started after my 12 month mark ttc#1. I focused on it instead of ttc and must've rode 40 times that winter. If I had a day off, I was on the mountain. Okay, so maybe I was simply ignoring the big elephant in the room, but he needed to be ignored.

While you are immersed in everything that is TTC, try to think about things you once enjoyed that you may not be enjoying now. Try to push yourself into sticking your toe back into it occasionally. I know so well what TTC does/did to my life. I lived it in 2 week increments and two of those weeks was spent completely underneath the weight of it. One week I would be obsessing over every made up symptom and another week would be spent depressed because of another failed cycle. I am not suggesting stopping TTC, just try not to forget what your non ttc life tasted like. I'd bet that it still tastes pretty good.

The winter I spent snowboarding? It will always live in my memories as the best snowboarding season EVER. And you know what? That memory doesn't include anything about TTC, except knowing I was trying. You know what my memory of the last 6 or so months makes me think of? TTC. That's about it. And I am filled with guilt over it. I know my marriage isn't doing the best right now. Not that we are fighting or close to divorce, but I'm not the woman he married right now. And I'm not the mom my children had. And that simply sucks. The good thing is ... I can change it. It'll take some doing and probably won't be too easy, but I ~can~ do it.

These are ~my~ reasons to taste life right now. I'm at the point in my life where I have children and they are now more important than anything else. This is what I want to spend time "tasting". These two little girls (Ella above and Allison below) are why I need to not allow ttc to consume me.

Don't get me wrong, it was important to not allow trying to conceive to consume me before I had children. Back then, it was my husband and my friends who were most important. Now I share my life with these two beautiful souls. These two girls don't understand mommy is just sad over another failed cycle. They simply want mommy. No baggage.

I need them to feel playing is the best thing in the world. I need them to see mommy happy for them. I can't allow them to see me sad for something I don't even have, something they don't know about or could even understand.

I need them to know that this picture is what their life consists of. Everyday. No worries of why mommy is laying in bed, crying. They need to know that they ARE important enough even though there's something else mommy wants so badly. I also need my husband to know I love him. And he is enough if it comes to it. He married a girl who's been absent for awhile and although he's been very caring and understanding of this new girl, he deserves more too.

This picture was taken after bath time tonight. It was taken after mommy stopped moping around and had fun with them. We splashed. We giggled. We got all clean and then warmed up in our special cool flower towels.

And life was complete. Our life was complete. At least for everyone in this perfect moment. And it was perfect because I ~chose~ it to be.

I still want another child just as bad as I wanted my first child. I just have to sit up and take notice that I still have a life to live. Before I had children, I still had a life that I was able to enjoy. Now that I do have children, my enjoyment includes them. I ~have to~ remember that I only have one shot at this life and I don't want to waste any more time. Everyone has something around them they can taste and enjoy. Please don't let it go to waste. Please don't allow yourself to go to waste. I'm going to try my best, will you please try yours too?


Anonymous said...

Beautiful. Both the pictures and the words. I know that blogs tend to center around whatever is most prominent in ones life at the time, so it is expected that TTC #3 would be a big focus here – but it is nice to see you give yourself a reminder of what IS in addition to what COULD be. (I hope that didn’t come off as rude – that is not what I was intending at all!)

I didn’t weigh-in below, but wanted to. I agree with the other girls in that with all you have gone through thus far, I think you would kick yourself down the road if you gave up completely and didn’t at least just sit back and see what happens . . . though that may prove difficult in and of itself – I’m like you: if the tools exist, why not use them (ie., temping, OPKs, etc.)?

I am sure that you have thought plenty about it, but if you go to IVF or an FET cycle and the result is multiples . . . how does that play into the money situation? There is obviously the expenditure of getting there in the first place, but beyond that? (Again, not trying to be rude!)

I am in the similar position of wanting #3 (though not with having to deal with IF), but it is not an option for us. I remind myself a lot of the fun I have with the kids, and how that is just going to get better as they grow; there are a lot of things that we have put on hold because we want to experience them when the kids are old enough to really enjoy them (not the ideal way to live, but it works for us) – if we were to throw another infant into the mix, we would be back at square one. It doesn’t change the want, but it does make it a little easier to accept. I have spent a lot of the last week moving a lot of our little baby stuff to good homes – it kills me to see it go, but there is a little satisfaction in not tripping over the swing or digging for batteries for the mobile.

I’ll stop rambling now. Maybe I should actually post sometime on my blog :/

Jewels said...

I am so glad you posted those pics. They could win awards.
I just had to stop by and give you a ((Hug)) cuz I ♥ U.

jennifercarol said...

OMG...the picture after the bath is too adorable!

I've struggled with the same things throughout TTC. That's one reason I rarely mention TTC on my blog. Some people blog because its an outlet to get their TTC emotions out...which is a good thing! I blog to keep my mind off TTC by writing on all the other things I'm doing. And being able to look back on a summer full of memories helps me keep moving forward.

Glennformer said...

Three cheers for your breakthrough in stepping back and seeing a bigger picture for yourself!!! Offering your wonderful girls "mommy without the baggage" is huge, generous, and to everyone's benefit. From what I've read and in my own limited experience, it seems like it is common for little ones to blame themselves when something seems to be wrong and it may be hard to notice that they've done that, which is just heartbreaking. Your girls are lucky to have you for a mom. (The nobility of a porcupine? I think not. Go back and do that test again.)

jamie said...

Awwww shit, you made me cry!

Anonymous said...

Wow. This is a powerful entry. I am very proud of you. And the pictures are wonderful. That first one of Ella is just breath taking.

Anonymous said...

That is such a beautiful thing you wrote. It brought tears to my eyes. Your girls are beautiful. I wanted to chime in on your last post, but didn't think you wanted to hear anything from a pregnant women right now. I agree with everyone else with sticking to option #1 is the way to go. You are going thru so many emotions right now, and I think if you say that is it I am done you will kick yourself in the butt for it.

I know it is going to happen for you Nancy. I wish you lots of luck on whatever decision you make.


jk215 said...

This is such a perfect post. Between your gorgeous girls (I swear they are more beautiful every time you take a photo of them) and your spot on words- you're saying a lot there.

I know that this is the biggest thing that I personally struggle with- not to let ttc take over completely. not to miss out on the good life that i have now, & not to be so consumed in my quest for "mommy" that I forget about being the best "jenn" I can. (that sure sounds cheesy when it's written out- but you know what I mean)

Thanks for the reminder...

Kat said...

Absolutely beautiful and stunning(both the pictures and monologue with them). It made me cry just a little ;-)

I ♥ you so much!

Anonymous said...

As you already know- you have a beautiful family- I'm glad you have them and I'm sure they are glad to have you as well.

All my love


chicklet said...

I don't know who took your pictures (did you?) but they're awesome - not just cuz the kids are beautiful, but the pics have really good perspective.

I hope this bit of change to taste life again works:-)

Kim said...

Okay, now I'm really crying. They're gorgeous and your photography is beautiful (D40, by chance?). This post rings so true for me, so thank you.

Anonymous said...

Ok Nancy, now I'm in tears. Your girls make me smile. Love, Karyn