Saturday, September 29, 2007

I don't know how often this goes on deaf ears.

When ever anyone else gets pregnant (and when I mean "anyone", I mean those who are ~not~ stirrup queens) it going to of course sting my heart a little bit. Or a lot. It really depends where I am in my cycle or how long ago I got a BFN. So when I decide to discuss how it stings, I always say "It's not that I'm not happy for them - because I ~am~ happy for them". I've said it so many times and each time I say it, I think it falls on deaf ears.

#1. If the person hearing it has never dealt with ttc - I betcha most have no other choice than to just assume "Whatever. She's jealous". I think I could explain how I'm simply jealous it's not ~me~, I'm not jealous it's ~them~ over and over and over until I turned blue, but I think the assessment remains.

#2. If the person hearing it is pregnant - same thing with the thought of "Whatever. It's jealousy". And with it, I probably fall a few rungs on their likability ladder. Anyone who is in the winning shoes can't help but assume the losers are going to be bitter about their win. It's human nature. I wish it wasn't true, but it happens so much! Again, I can try to explain how I'm really happy for ~them~ but sad for ~me~, but their unspoken assessment often remains.

#3. If the person hearing it is someone who has gone through IF themselves, then they understand without having to even hear it. It's not even necessary to speak the words. This is not true for everyone who has gone through IF though.

#4. There is another category I must write down. These can be combinations or crossovers from other categories. IE: The now pregnant IFer who somehow forgets what it's like to be on the losing end. But this category is the group who the explanation falls onto deaf ears because they don't want to believe it. They ~want~ to believe "Whatever. They are just jealous" for a variety of reasons. Maybe they don't want to be part of the sometimes depressing "IF" group anymore. Maybe they think their diagnosis of "IF" was wrong and the pregnancy confirms it. Maybe they are simply immature and if everyone around them is not a blathering idiot dripping with kudos about their new pregnancy and they can't fathom that the other person is NOT just jealous. It's hard for some people to be humble and figure out that maybe, just maybe, they said something wrong themselves - and made the other person feel bad on accident. But damn it! Who cares about someone that doesn't have anything to do with their pregnancy, right? The world should revolve around them and if it doesn't, well, that person must just be jealous. Who cares that nothing over the last year would have indicated anything like that? Okay, I just got on a tangent there. My point with the #4 category is these are people who don't care that you feel bad. And if you do feel bad, well then, you've just got to be a bad guy. Plain and simple.

#5. And there is the other group that does understand. These can be ~anyone~, even people in groups #1-3, but not 4. I never encompassed "everyone" in my categories. Sometimes when you try to explain yourself, they DO get it.

But why even try to explain it at all? I'm starting to think I shouldn't anymore. I think I'm going to go with the "Woohoo! Everything is fine and dandy" approach from now on. I'm SO tired of not only trying to explain how I feel, but even more, trying to stick up for myself when someone doesn't understand it. And why do I need anyone who doesn't understand it to suddenly become one with my thoughts? Beyond the fact that we don't want to be thought of negatively, I think it's because we, people who are going through failures, need to be supported without us crying about it. Sure, when we mention the failure, someone usually takes the time to give us their shoulder. I can't tell you how much a random act of "just wanted to let you know I was thinking about everything you are going through" would make me feel.

Speaking of being random - how random am I right now? I'm just having a tad of a bad day and I'm considering keeping my bad days to myself from now on. Too often is me feeling bad for everything I am going through mistaken for me being unhappy with someone else's success. Sure, someone else's success may be what triggers it, but it's too easily confused with being a "bad sport". Therein lies the feeling to have to explain. It's a bad cycle.


Kim said...

We get it, Nancy.

Whenever someone asks and I tell them, "we're trying", I get this 'trying? why the heck do you have to TRY?' because their babies have come so easily and they don't even know what trying is like. Or, I get 'ohhh that's nice, let me know how it goes' because they really are that dumb, and really don't care... but want to seem like they do. This reaction is usually coupled with a really confused look. If they seem really puzzled, I just say, 'we have some... issues'... and that successfully makes things awkward and they shut up. Mission accomplished. And so I just don't talk about it with anyone who hasn't been through it, I'm convinced that no one else really cares because they have no idea what it's like... and I'm not sure that I can hold that against them, even though I kind of do. But like you, I *am* happy for those who are pregnant... but there's a part of me deep inside that gets angry and jealous, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about them, it's all me and what I've been through.. and I'm not sure they can fault me for that, though I'm sure they would because it seems pretty awful... but it just 'is'.

Anyway, we get it.

Anonymous said...

I think it's one thing to say that you get jealous - ANYONE would get that. It's another to justify that with a list of how others are in the wrong.
I like this new blog it's so much happier then that last. It's not because things are better for you in fact this new blog is much more about your IF then the last one but even with all the IF shit it's so much nicer to read then all the hatred of your last blog! Keep it up it's nice to see you enjoying life.
I'm actually surprised to see that you enjoy the "I'm thinking about you" posts though. Often I see someone leaving a post like that for you and it goes unanswered (and not because you've logged off as often you respond to the post above it). Maybe I'm expecting you to act the way I would but it does seem like those posts are only appreciated if left by someone who has made it into your inner circle?
Anyways now I am rambling, just some observations and hopefully you continue with your new upbeat look on life!

nancy said...

Just because I don't write something out doesn't mean I don't welcome it. I thought my appreciation, well, anyone's appreciation, was simply understood. My posting of the comment tells the person I read it and acknowledge it. And I always try to go over to the commenter's blog and say something nice to them. It's like writing a thank you note for a thank you note - the thank you is acknowledged and VERY appreciated.

joyous melancholy said...

Don't forgt those that take our jealously as an affront, because we should be happy for them, because they too once belonged to the IF club. They don't forget what it's like to be on the losing end - rather, they think it gives them a free pass to avoid the sadness of others when they share their news. These are the ladies who want to keep being part of the club, even as their bellies swell and they plan their nurseries. Unfortunately, it's just not possible.

Ironically, it seems to be the women who don't expect it of me, the ones who care about how I'm doing in the face of their pregnancies, that I am able to feel real joy for. Such as a friend who just gave birth to IVF triplets, and yet when I went to visit her, she asked me how *I* was doing. Truth be told, I considered how I was doing to be the least important thing at that moment. Funny how that works.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Sorry it took so long for me to make it over here. I hope to come back now that I've found it. =)