I don't know how often this goes on deaf ears.

When ever anyone else gets pregnant (and when I mean "anyone", I mean those who are ~not~ stirrup queens) it going to of course sting my heart a little bit. Or a lot. It really depends where I am in my cycle or how long ago I got a BFN. So when I decide to discuss how it stings, I always say "It's not that I'm not happy for them - because I ~am~ happy for them". I've said it so many times and each time I say it, I think it falls on deaf ears.

#1. If the person hearing it has never dealt with ttc - I betcha most have no other choice than to just assume "Whatever. She's jealous". I think I could explain how I'm simply jealous it's not ~me~, I'm not jealous it's ~them~ over and over and over until I turned blue, but I think the assessment remains.

#2. If the person hearing it is pregnant - same thing with the thought of "Whatever. It's jealousy". And with it, I probably fall a few rungs on their likability ladder. Anyone who is in the winning shoes can't help but assume the losers are going to be bitter about their win. It's human nature. I wish it wasn't true, but it happens so much! Again, I can try to explain how I'm really happy for ~them~ but sad for ~me~, but their unspoken assessment often remains.

#3. If the person hearing it is someone who has gone through IF themselves, then they understand without having to even hear it. It's not even necessary to speak the words. This is not true for everyone who has gone through IF though.

#4. There is another category I must write down. These can be combinations or crossovers from other categories. IE: The now pregnant IFer who somehow forgets what it's like to be on the losing end. But this category is the group who the explanation falls onto deaf ears because they don't want to believe it. They ~want~ to believe "Whatever. They are just jealous" for a variety of reasons. Maybe they don't want to be part of the sometimes depressing "IF" group anymore. Maybe they think their diagnosis of "IF" was wrong and the pregnancy confirms it. Maybe they are simply immature and if everyone around them is not a blathering idiot dripping with kudos about their new pregnancy and they can't fathom that the other person is NOT just jealous. It's hard for some people to be humble and figure out that maybe, just maybe, they said something wrong themselves - and made the other person feel bad on accident. But damn it! Who cares about someone that doesn't have anything to do with their pregnancy, right? The world should revolve around them and if it doesn't, well, that person must just be jealous. Who cares that nothing over the last year would have indicated anything like that? Okay, I just got on a tangent there. My point with the #4 category is these are people who don't care that you feel bad. And if you do feel bad, well then, you've just got to be a bad guy. Plain and simple.

#5. And there is the other group that does understand. These can be ~anyone~, even people in groups #1-3, but not 4. I never encompassed "everyone" in my categories. Sometimes when you try to explain yourself, they DO get it.

But why even try to explain it at all? I'm starting to think I shouldn't anymore. I think I'm going to go with the "Woohoo! Everything is fine and dandy" approach from now on. I'm SO tired of not only trying to explain how I feel, but even more, trying to stick up for myself when someone doesn't understand it. And why do I need anyone who doesn't understand it to suddenly become one with my thoughts? Beyond the fact that we don't want to be thought of negatively, I think it's because we, people who are going through failures, need to be supported without us crying about it. Sure, when we mention the failure, someone usually takes the time to give us their shoulder. I can't tell you how much a random act of "just wanted to let you know I was thinking about everything you are going through" would make me feel.

Speaking of being random - how random am I right now? I'm just having a tad of a bad day and I'm considering keeping my bad days to myself from now on. Too often is me feeling bad for everything I am going through mistaken for me being unhappy with someone else's success. Sure, someone else's success may be what triggers it, but it's too easily confused with being a "bad sport". Therein lies the feeling to have to explain. It's a bad cycle.