BFN today.
I wish most primaries were right. I wish I didn't feel like there was a knife in my heart right now. I wish I could cry, but I can't show it in front of my kids that I'm so lucky to even have. These two girls should make this hurt less, shouldn't it? WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T IT THEN?
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2007
(164)
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September
(30)
- I ~despise~ Veda.
- Righty came through!
- RollerDerbyMe.
- I don't know how often this goes on deaf ears.
- Missing. Reward Offered.
- Name that RE!
- My diagnoses.
- Derby tonight.
- (In)Fertility Report.
- The road was paved with good intentions.
- Update - ttc & broken leg (child mentioned)
- My poor, poor baby girl. (children mentioned)
- I needed a slap of reality (children mentioned & p...
- 3 sides of the same coin.
- All clear.
- HSG #3 in 17 hours.
- "I'm so tired, I can't sleep"
- What's to look forward to? A diagnosis?
- (please) Answer me this ... Updated
- If I don't get pregnant by next August ...
- heartbreak.
- cd1, c12
- secondarily in pain.
- It is understood, right?
- That was fun. & I need some HELP!
- Roller Derby!
- My brain is smarter than my heart.
- Primary vs. secondary(+) infertility.
- Question to all you other IUI-ers...
- "100 miles south of Dallas"
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September
(30)
10 comments:
I'm sorry hon... Be good to yourself today, you deserve it.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
giant hugs & I am commencing beat down mode for Miss Hope- I know she deserves it for this one...
I'm so sorry you are hurting Nancy. I wish we could wave a magic wand & make it go away.
I can say is that I'm so sorry. Yes you do have 2 wonderful girls, but you long for #3 just as much as you did for both of them. So don't beat yourself up over that. Dealing with the pain of a BFN after the hope of a promising IUI cycle is tough enough.
I am sorry. BFNs suck no matter what.
Damn Nancy, I'm so sorry for the pain your going through right now, ((HUGS)) your in my prayers hunny.
So sorry. Try to steal a little time away for yourself. I know how hard that is when you have some little ones already (I have one) -- but I always needed that chance to be alone and feel a little sad.
Then hug those beauties and remember there are still options ahead. Including the DERBY?!
I am so sorry!
(((((hugs))))))
I am so sorry hunny. I wish I could will a pregnancy to you. If you ever need anything, just call me, ok? Love ya.
I am so very sorry. I wish I could say I don't know how you feel...but I do. It is a terrible feeling..just sickening.
XXX & a big ol HUG
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