Thursday, September 20, 2007

3 sides of the same coin.

This whole ttc thing. Oy. I can't decide.

1. Just give up "trying". Just let it happen if it happens and if it doesn't happen, just move to IVF next spring as a last ditch effort. I'm only on C12 and I understand it's not that much, but boy-oh-boy - the letdown from this cycle was just too much for my heart to take with hopes of a quick bounce-back. I usually get bummed, yeah, but this time, wow - took a good week. And I didn't like myself this past week. And forcing myself into this every month, well, I just don't know if I should do it.

2. Keep on plodding along w/ charting, opking, IUIs and monitoring until IVF next spring. I hate the aspect of not actively trying. On one hand, I'll feel like letting go of control will make me feel more stable, but then again, letting go of control might make me a tad bit manic later on when I have no idea what is going on.

3. Fuck it all and get an IUD put in. No worrying about where I am, no obsessing. Just stop. Get over my "need" for another child and be happy AND satisfied with what I have.

I gotta tell you, all 3 options are running through my head. My RE's office called last night about the monitoring and she promised an answer by tomorrow. So we'll see. I'll make the decision, at least for this month, when she calls.

I find myself feeling really apathetic about this.


Kat said...

My take one this....I like option one. It means you aren't completely giving up AND may even consider IVF if naturally doesn't run it's course. I totally understand the more intense feeling of disappointment when the expensive cycles don't work, so continuing with the IUI's and such each time can definitely equal a lot of heartbreak that you just don't need.

Although option three is totally up to you, I really hope its not the route you go. You have gone through a fucking lot to get to this point....pain(physical and emotional), waiting, and medications because of cysts, and to top it off surgery to make sure your oven is prepared for another bun. If you completely quit, none of that means anything at this point.

Your personal cut off is 36 and I think if you completely stop now, you may always wonder what could have happened in these next 11 months. For right now, just take the "try" out and see what happens or if your feelings change a few cycles from now. JMO though!
♥ ya!


jamie said...

All I can say is I'm sorry that all of this has come down on you. Every choice you have has some sort of personal let down involved. Just follow your heart and you will be fine.

Anonymous said...

Hi Nancy- First let me say how sorry I am to hear that you are still having so much trouble. Having fertility issues myself I totally understand how and what you are feeling. I agree with Kat when she says to hang in there because you would always be wondering what if. Please excuse my ignorance but I was wondering why you couldn't go ahead with IVF sooner than the spring. As you know- the success jumps when you do IVF. We've had 2 failed IUI's as well but IVF worked for us and I only hope that it will work for you too. I totally understand your pain- I only wish I had a crystal ball to let you know how things were going to work out. It's so hard to wait for something that you want now. I'm sorry if I wasn't able to offer much help but I just wanted you to know that what your feeling is totally normal and that my heart feels for you.

I wish you only the best.

(Webmd with both our kiddies)

The Town Criers said...

I guess it all depends on if it feels better right now to be active or passive. Option 1 is passive, but both Option 2 and 3 are both pretty active. Could you do a one month pause just to regroup?

nancy said...

Jo -

I've struggled with the idea of IVF for a third child. Had I needed it for #1, I'd of jumped on it immediately. But now with #3, and with our expenses SO MUCH with those two kids (daycare is what? $1,500/month?) I saw rolling the "dice" with a $12,000 bet a little too scary. Am I pushing the luck envelope with it?

Plus, and it's the worse part of it all, even though I've dealt with minor IF before, I am arrogant enough to think "I ~can~ do this, why pay $12,000 for it?". So, with that said, IVF will be our last ditch effort before really closing up shop for good next August. And that is why we're waiting. I want to do it soon enough to be able to try a FET if necessary, but late enough that I'm not jumping to it. I don't have any real hard issues in why I would have to do IVF. My issues have been "solved" I think, so I don't want to get too impatient.

I'm totally rambling. It does boil down to money. I don't want to spend it on a chance. But I will spend it if I need to, but not before it's been proven a need. I can tell you one thing, if IVF was covered on my insurance, I'd be jumping for it immediately.

jennifercarol said...

What about continuing femara but not doing the IUI. Is that an option?

To me the question is whether the IUI is worth the cost both monetarily and emotionally in terms of increasing your chances of conceiving.

jk215 said...

I agree about option 1. I don't think you could really be happy about stopping altogether with that 11 months still on your timeline. But I think the expectations, & expense, of medicated IUI cycles are just too much for your heart right now.

How about a short break from the IUI's with a re-evaluation in a few months... Maybe natural until after the holidays & then an IUI or 2 before looking at IVF?

You know I hope you won't need any of them, but I think a total break from everything may not be what's working for you this time. Of course your body ~could~ always surprise you while on a break.

I really hope that option 3 isn't really an option right now. I think Kat said it perfectly about this one. It just doesn't feel right to me for you to throw your hands up & say I quit- forever...

chicklet said...

I've been having lots of those 'why am i bothering' thoughts too, how can you not? It just gets so freakin exhausting.

Post an update, let us know.

Artblog said...

Sorry you're facing decisions like these, I've been there, I commiserate. I hope you find the answer that makes you happy soon :) X