This whole ttc thing. Oy. I can't decide.
1. Just give up "trying". Just let it happen if it happens and if it doesn't happen, just move to IVF next spring as a last ditch effort. I'm only on C12 and I understand it's not that much, but boy-oh-boy - the letdown from this cycle was just too much for my heart to take with hopes of a quick bounce-back. I usually get bummed, yeah, but this time, wow - took a good week. And I didn't like myself this past week. And forcing myself into this every month, well, I just don't know if I should do it.
2. Keep on plodding along w/ charting, opking, IUIs and monitoring until IVF next spring. I hate the aspect of not actively trying. On one hand, I'll feel like letting go of control will make me feel more stable, but then again, letting go of control might make me a tad bit manic later on when I have no idea what is going on.
3. Fuck it all and get an IUD put in. No worrying about where I am, no obsessing. Just stop. Get over my "need" for another child and be happy AND satisfied with what I have.
I gotta tell you, all 3 options are running through my head. My RE's office called last night about the monitoring and she promised an answer by tomorrow. So we'll see. I'll make the decision, at least for this month, when she calls.
I find myself feeling really apathetic about this.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2007
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September
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- I ~despise~ Veda.
- Righty came through!
- RollerDerbyMe.
- I don't know how often this goes on deaf ears.
- Missing. Reward Offered.
- Name that RE!
- My diagnoses.
- Derby tonight.
- (In)Fertility Report.
- The road was paved with good intentions.
- Update - ttc & broken leg (child mentioned)
- My poor, poor baby girl. (children mentioned)
- I needed a slap of reality (children mentioned & p...
- 3 sides of the same coin.
- All clear.
- HSG #3 in 17 hours.
- "I'm so tired, I can't sleep"
- What's to look forward to? A diagnosis?
- (please) Answer me this ... Updated
- If I don't get pregnant by next August ...
- heartbreak.
- cd1, c12
- secondarily in pain.
- It is understood, right?
- That was fun. & I need some HELP!
- Roller Derby!
- My brain is smarter than my heart.
- Primary vs. secondary(+) infertility.
- Question to all you other IUI-ers...
- "100 miles south of Dallas"
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September
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9 comments:
My take one this....I like option one. It means you aren't completely giving up AND may even consider IVF if naturally doesn't run it's course. I totally understand the more intense feeling of disappointment when the expensive cycles don't work, so continuing with the IUI's and such each time can definitely equal a lot of heartbreak that you just don't need.
Although option three is totally up to you, I really hope its not the route you go. You have gone through a fucking lot to get to this point....pain(physical and emotional), waiting, and medications because of cysts, and to top it off surgery to make sure your oven is prepared for another bun. If you completely quit, none of that means anything at this point.
Your personal cut off is 36 and I think if you completely stop now, you may always wonder what could have happened in these next 11 months. For right now, just take the "try" out and see what happens or if your feelings change a few cycles from now. JMO though!
♥ ya!
~Kat
All I can say is I'm sorry that all of this has come down on you. Every choice you have has some sort of personal let down involved. Just follow your heart and you will be fine.
Hi Nancy- First let me say how sorry I am to hear that you are still having so much trouble. Having fertility issues myself I totally understand how and what you are feeling. I agree with Kat when she says to hang in there because you would always be wondering what if. Please excuse my ignorance but I was wondering why you couldn't go ahead with IVF sooner than the spring. As you know- the success jumps when you do IVF. We've had 2 failed IUI's as well but IVF worked for us and I only hope that it will work for you too. I totally understand your pain- I only wish I had a crystal ball to let you know how things were going to work out. It's so hard to wait for something that you want now. I'm sorry if I wasn't able to offer much help but I just wanted you to know that what your feeling is totally normal and that my heart feels for you.
I wish you only the best.
Jo
(Webmd with both our kiddies)
I guess it all depends on if it feels better right now to be active or passive. Option 1 is passive, but both Option 2 and 3 are both pretty active. Could you do a one month pause just to regroup?
Jo -
I've struggled with the idea of IVF for a third child. Had I needed it for #1, I'd of jumped on it immediately. But now with #3, and with our expenses SO MUCH with those two kids (daycare is what? $1,500/month?) I saw rolling the "dice" with a $12,000 bet a little too scary. Am I pushing the luck envelope with it?
Plus, and it's the worse part of it all, even though I've dealt with minor IF before, I am arrogant enough to think "I ~can~ do this, why pay $12,000 for it?". So, with that said, IVF will be our last ditch effort before really closing up shop for good next August. And that is why we're waiting. I want to do it soon enough to be able to try a FET if necessary, but late enough that I'm not jumping to it. I don't have any real hard issues in why I would have to do IVF. My issues have been "solved" I think, so I don't want to get too impatient.
I'm totally rambling. It does boil down to money. I don't want to spend it on a chance. But I will spend it if I need to, but not before it's been proven a need. I can tell you one thing, if IVF was covered on my insurance, I'd be jumping for it immediately.
What about continuing femara but not doing the IUI. Is that an option?
To me the question is whether the IUI is worth the cost both monetarily and emotionally in terms of increasing your chances of conceiving.
I agree about option 1. I don't think you could really be happy about stopping altogether with that 11 months still on your timeline. But I think the expectations, & expense, of medicated IUI cycles are just too much for your heart right now.
How about a short break from the IUI's with a re-evaluation in a few months... Maybe natural until after the holidays & then an IUI or 2 before looking at IVF?
You know I hope you won't need any of them, but I think a total break from everything may not be what's working for you this time. Of course your body ~could~ always surprise you while on a break.
I really hope that option 3 isn't really an option right now. I think Kat said it perfectly about this one. It just doesn't feel right to me for you to throw your hands up & say I quit- forever...
I've been having lots of those 'why am i bothering' thoughts too, how can you not? It just gets so freakin exhausting.
Post an update, let us know.
Sorry you're facing decisions like these, I've been there, I commiserate. I hope you find the answer that makes you happy soon :) X
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