Thursday, April 30, 2009

Back when I was a stupid teenager.

I was just talking to one of my bestest friends Laurel (whom, by the way, is about to start a blog of her own! She's part of the IF/Loss community and many of you may know her from her comments here or to your own blog. Well, she's thinking of starting off her internet writing skills with an interior design blog, which I am stoked to start reading! When she starts it, I'll be linking to it here, so you better check it out.) and got on the subject of how I like salt. Like I really like it. Which then reminded me of a very funny salt story. Which would be a great distraction from Mount Vesuvius currently residing on my belly.

So, like I said, I like salt. I like it so much I just eat it plain. Always have and unless something health wise happens that makes me stop eating it, I always will. If there is a container of salt anywhere by me, I usually will shake out a pile in my hand and eat it like lik-a-stik candy powder.

Back in high school, I was at my then boyfriend's house. Actually, I don't think I was even dating him at the time, I think I was dating his best friend (yeah, I'm that kind of girl. awesome.). His house was the hang out place because 1) his mom was divorced so was rarely home because she was working and 2) his room was once the garage and it was huge. It wasn't just a garage with furniture, but it was insulated and carpeted and had heat/air, everything. It was like a little apartment really, he had a fridge in the room which, as a teenager, was super cool. one area was like a living room and he had a huge half circle couch with a glass coffee table (yes, it was the 80s).

We were all hanging out there one afternoon and since there was a salt shaker within arms reach, I was indulging. I had actually sprinkled out a pile on the glass table and I was playing with it as I dipped my finger in and ate it. At one point, I had shaped it into a line form, it looking quite a lot like a line of cocaine. (what is ironic about this is this was before I even tried drugs.)

Just as I had it in a perfect line which I made perfect with a playing card, his little sister walked in. She sees me sitting there, playing card in hand, making this straight thin line of the powder like substance on the glass table in front of me. She gasps "oh my god! Is that cocaine?". I look up at her and instead of saying "no, it's salt", I say "yeah", like she's stupid to even have to ask the question. Like of course it's cocaine, what else would it be?

She is staring at me, excited to be witnessing something so hardcore (remember, we were teenagers, this would have been hardcore at the time) and me, not wanting to let her down ... Let me interrupt this story by reminding you of the title of this post. "Back when I was a stupid teenager". Obviously snorting cocaine is not cool. Nor would not doing cocaine let her down. But, alas, I was stupid. Very Very stupid.

I lean over, plug my left nostril with my finger and I inhale. I snort a line of fucking salt.

Salt and mucus membranes do not mix. Not only do they not mix, they are enemies. Serious long time enemies. Upon the salt entering my nasal passages, my entire face exploded. I honestly don't know what came first - my scream or every opening of my face instantaneously discharging liquid.

I ran to the bathroom. My face was on fire and I tried to douse it with water. I was taking in as much water up my nose as I could and was soaking my eyes. Snorting water up my nose, as horrible as that is when it happens, was heaven compared to the pain I felt. It took quite awhile before I was out of blinding agony. I stand up and look in the mirror - my eyes and nose were swollen and red. My mouth was gaped open as I tried to catch my breath. I looked awesome.

I walked back into Shawn's room and sat down. No one said anything. Seriously, it was so horrendous that no one even dared to laugh at me, which I deserved so badly. His sister left the room without a word. I bet you a thousand dollars I scared that girl straight. I am sure she never tried cocaine after witnessing that scene. In that aspect, I guess it was worth it.

24 comments:

areyoukiddingme said...

Ah yes, only teenagers can reach that particular height of stupidity. ;) That must have really hurt. Even the thought of that would be enough to deter me from putting anything up my nose.

Although, I always said that it would be a huge waste of money for me to try cocaine, as I would promptly sneeze it right back out.

Steph O. said...

OwOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! And LMAO! Ok, I'm posting a stupid teen story of my own, come check it out!

Lori said...

I am so sorry to be laughing so hard.

I'm not laughing AT you. I'm laughing WITH all the other people laughing at you.

Too funny!

Kim said...

I am sorry but I am totally LMAO! That must of sucked big ol monkey balls, but it is funny as hell.

I have been lurking, but I haven't had anything to say. Yeah I suck.

Hollie said...

So funny and not funny at the same time.

Michelle said...

Ok I was in pain just reading that!! Wow! But have to admit between the grimicing and everything I was laughing a bit...sorry couldn't resist.

Did that girl ever go say anything to his mom? Such as "Hey mom they are snorting cocaine in so and so's room!?"

Robin said...

HAHHA LOL... Even as a non-teenager, I'm suprised it was so dramatic! I mean, I guess I know that it's not a good idea, but damn..! Did that cure you from your salt addiction for a while?

mommybird said...

Sorry, had to delete my comment because the huge typo in the middle made me sound incredibly stupid.

That has to be one of the funniest stories I've heard in a long time. I'm a HUGE salt fan myself, but I don't think I've ever put it in my nose.

projectkjetil said...

I could tell that was going to happen from the beginning of the story. Awe to the some.

Maybe if you're ever worried about your kids experimenting with stuff, you could reenact your salt performance for your kids and some friends. It would be like one big Scared Straight presentation.

nancy said...

hey mommybird, I want to read your blog. Can you invite me? I can't tell you how many times I click on your link only to be denied!

KatieM said...

In our years of knowing each other (yes, it has officially been years...crazy huh?). Have I ever told you that I am the exact same way with salt? Actually in my case because of my CF my doc was happy about it (since I lose salt at such an astonishing rate). Oddly enough my only "rebellion" through my teenage years was to go against all things CF and I vowed to stop eating so much salt as a new year's eve resolution; to this day it is the only one I have kept, lol. I'm not exactly sure what changed because I still love it, maybe I am just stubborn, haha.

Now, on a related note....OUCH!

Kristin said...

Bwahahahahahaha...too damned funny! I was laughing so hard that I ended up having to relay the story to my son.

katery said...

i believe i snorted sugar or something, not as bad as salt, BUT, when i was little i stuck a mint tic tac up my nose and i couldn't get it out, it burned like a mother fucker.

Kymberli said...

Your friends may not have laughed at you, but I sure as fuck am. I'm laughing so hard that I can't freaking breathe.

Sarah R said...

That is so fucking hilarious!!!!! OMG..........hahahahahahha

zach05kate95 said...

Sorry, Nancy, but that was sooooo freaking funny!! The mental picture added to the hilarity.

Kathy said...

That is hilarious!!!

I totally dated a guy in high school whose bedroom was the garage.. it was huge.. he had a huge waterbed, and a couch and coffee table, adn a pool table.... a little kitchen area... I love it!!!

Beautiful Mess said...

D'OH! How horrible! I'm cracking up, btw...sorry but I totally am!

mommybird said...

Nancy, sorry that blog was something my uncle set up to organize our incredibly large family for Thanksgiving. It's mostly an RSVP for who was going to show up and what food everyone was in charge of. Pretty lame for sure but I never got around to removing it.

I am starting a new blog now, it's not private so you can read it if you'd like, it's brand new as of today so still very boring. I can still invite you to the other, but it's nothing exciting :)

jenn said...

so awesome! i laughed my ass off reading this! thanks for sharing your embarrassing teenage moment for our amusement! ;o)

Kimjj514 said...

lmao...that is just priceless!! Ahh yes, the stupid stuff we do as teenagers. In my psychology class for nursing school we learned that teenagers brains are truly not developed enough to really think things through all the way, therefore cannot always make good decisions. Lol, that story just proves that! lmao! But, I definitely had my share of stupidity as a teenager. Ah yes, those were the days!

sacredandscarred said...

Oh fuck that is funny!

Ali said...

OHM Nancy, that's a great story. Nothing like scaring other people straight, eh?

amazingk8 said...

Ha! I can relate. Once, when I was 8 or so and at a pool party, I shot a package of ketchup up my nose (was trying to open it with my teeth). It hurt so bad and I was so mortified that I jumped in to the pool and snorted a nose full of *chlorinated* water to try to clear it out. OUCH. Nobody made fun of me but everybody did look at me like I was just a little crazy.