How how I love my nurses at my RE's. I need to remember to send two of them gift baskets (and I'm totally not just saying that. I will send them!)
Anywho - All is well. Although she said it's not 100% guaranteed I won't ovulate, if I do, 9-14 dpo is too early to cause harm to the implanted eggs, as it's not yet taking nutrients from the mother.
Huh. I've been trying to calm girls down who drank without knowing they were pregnant in those same days and told them the same exact thing for like 4+ years now. How in the world did I not apply it to myself? Even when my precious katbug told me the same thing today. (~smooch~ katie!)
Friday, November 30, 2007
Surgery is scheduled
Surgery is scheduled Dec 11th, which is cd26.
Which, in turn, causes me some panic. Up until now, even though I was on a TAB cycle, I was using my monitor, because this was a big test for "normal ovulation" for me. This birth control pills thing threw a wrench in it of course, but now I'm doing it just to see what happens. Think of it as a scientific experiment.
You experienced TTCers will understand all the technical stuff that comes next.
Because they didn't call me with my surgery date until cd13, I didn't start taking my pills until the next day. CD14, which was my first day of "high" on my monitor too. Now, for me, looking at all my past non medicated charts, my monitor usually gives me 5 days of "high" before a peak, which is my usual ovulation day. I sometimes O very late in non-medicated cycles, so that being followed, I wouldn't of ovulated until cd19 anywho. Now, if for some reason, taking bcps for 5 days before ovulation ~would have~ happened didn't stop it and by some fucking MIRACLE I ended up conceiving, this would put surgery on 8dpo.
Panic. Panic. Panic.
Just called my RE's nurse and told her I was panicing. Told her that if the pills didn't work and I did conceive by some miracle, it would put surgery in the middle of implantation. True, I'm having instruments put up my hooha, but it's not touching the sides, I'm getting a "snip the webbing" so it could happen. Yes, it would have to be a miracle, but it is possible.
So I consult Dr Google and get more paniced. But nowhere can I find "surgery coinciding with implantation". Just "early pregnancy". Ack. Panic.
Need nurse to call and calm me down.
Ack.
Which, in turn, causes me some panic. Up until now, even though I was on a TAB cycle, I was using my monitor, because this was a big test for "normal ovulation" for me. This birth control pills thing threw a wrench in it of course, but now I'm doing it just to see what happens. Think of it as a scientific experiment.
You experienced TTCers will understand all the technical stuff that comes next.
Because they didn't call me with my surgery date until cd13, I didn't start taking my pills until the next day. CD14, which was my first day of "high" on my monitor too. Now, for me, looking at all my past non medicated charts, my monitor usually gives me 5 days of "high" before a peak, which is my usual ovulation day. I sometimes O very late in non-medicated cycles, so that being followed, I wouldn't of ovulated until cd19 anywho. Now, if for some reason, taking bcps for 5 days before ovulation ~would have~ happened didn't stop it and by some fucking MIRACLE I ended up conceiving, this would put surgery on 8dpo.
Panic. Panic. Panic.
Just called my RE's nurse and told her I was panicing. Told her that if the pills didn't work and I did conceive by some miracle, it would put surgery in the middle of implantation. True, I'm having instruments put up my hooha, but it's not touching the sides, I'm getting a "snip the webbing" so it could happen. Yes, it would have to be a miracle, but it is possible.
So I consult Dr Google and get more paniced. But nowhere can I find "surgery coinciding with implantation". Just "early pregnancy". Ack. Panic.
Need nurse to call and calm me down.
Ack.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Santa and Children (children obv mentioned)
Why are children ~so~ afraid of Santa? I shouldn't generalize that into "children", but why are so many children afraid?
Ella is 3 1/2 and this is the first time she would go to Santa. Allison was all ready to go, but freaked the hell out once she actually approached Santa. He was super cool, saying he can stand behind his big couch and poke his head out while the kids are on the couch - they wouldn't even know he was there - but there was no way Allie was going to get on that couch. Look at it! It's scares me looking at it now.
So here is the 2007 Santa picture. I'm going to try to get Allie photoshopped in. :)
Took a day off.
It's a day I still need to take a conference call in 7 minutes.
A day I have to take two children to get flu shots.
A day I have to get to the post office and mail the 18 thousand things I have to mail. (okay, like 8 things)
A day I have to get some work done in preparation for tomorrow.
A day I'll still have to end by going to derby practice for 2 hours of hell.
A day that is a weird derby practice night - bad outfit day. Which I don't really get. Are we in high school?
A day I need to do 4 loads of laundry - at least.
A day I have to peel urine soaked sheets off a bed and replace (potty training is fun).
A day I'm ~not~ going to spend making myself feel worse.
A day I hope to get a call to find out when surgery #4 will be.
But, it's a day off. And I have to get on a conference call.
A day I have to take two children to get flu shots.
A day I have to get to the post office and mail the 18 thousand things I have to mail. (okay, like 8 things)
A day I have to get some work done in preparation for tomorrow.
A day I'll still have to end by going to derby practice for 2 hours of hell.
A day that is a weird derby practice night - bad outfit day. Which I don't really get. Are we in high school?
A day I need to do 4 loads of laundry - at least.
A day I have to peel urine soaked sheets off a bed and replace (potty training is fun).
A day I'm ~not~ going to spend making myself feel worse.
A day I hope to get a call to find out when surgery #4 will be.
But, it's a day off. And I have to get on a conference call.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
hard day.
Today is way harder than yesterday was. My heart is having a hard time not being in the game right now. Nothing in my understanding has changed since yesterday, but it's harder for some reason.
I saw 3 bfp announcements from my 'IF Favorites' list today. While it's so exciting for them to have caught the brass ring and for them to be able to get off the ttc ride, I'm still waiting in line to get on the fucking thing. I keep watching the ride go round and round - few people reaching far enough out to snag the ring, most just staying put when the ride ends - allowing the ride to spin them around again. It's heart wrenching enough to not get your turn, realizing all the seats are filled up. And while it's simply wonderful wonderful wonderful there are those few who succeed, it just makes my place in line feel even further away from their joy. And that sucks.
I'm sorry I'm such a ray of sunshine today. I'm sorry that other people's success puts me in such a horrible state. I wish is wasn't this way and I wish that while I ~am~ happy for them, I wish it didn't make me feel like this inside my own heart.
And I just grabbed the last kleenex out of my box here at work. Damn.
I saw 3 bfp announcements from my 'IF Favorites' list today. While it's so exciting for them to have caught the brass ring and for them to be able to get off the ttc ride, I'm still waiting in line to get on the fucking thing. I keep watching the ride go round and round - few people reaching far enough out to snag the ring, most just staying put when the ride ends - allowing the ride to spin them around again. It's heart wrenching enough to not get your turn, realizing all the seats are filled up. And while it's simply wonderful wonderful wonderful there are those few who succeed, it just makes my place in line feel even further away from their joy. And that sucks.
I'm sorry I'm such a ray of sunshine today. I'm sorry that other people's success puts me in such a horrible state. I wish is wasn't this way and I wish that while I ~am~ happy for them, I wish it didn't make me feel like this inside my own heart.
And I just grabbed the last kleenex out of my box here at work. Damn.
Monday, November 26, 2007
You all ~rule~.
Wow - I am astounded at the amount of comments I've received on my previous post. I don't have a blog like some others who get 40-50 comments on each posting, so seeing this many people take the time to give me a little support when I need it - I just wanted to tell you all it's appreciated. Thank you.
I know the surgery is necessary. I saw it myself on the ultrasound this morning and I understand it's importance. I know it's just a hiccup in my journey. I know it only means 3-4 more weeks of waiting than I originally thought. I know it will make my oven in better shape than it is now and it will give my buns a better chance at baking. I just thought the surgical part was over and done with. I thought I was on my way to actually ~trying~ to conceive instead of ~waiting~ to conceive. This will all soon be part of my past instead of my future. I'm simply disappointed to be stuck in my own present right now. I also know this is minor compared to things other people in our community are going through and for that, I will try to keep in mind how grateful I need to be and how lucky I really am.
I know the surgery is necessary. I saw it myself on the ultrasound this morning and I understand it's importance. I know it's just a hiccup in my journey. I know it only means 3-4 more weeks of waiting than I originally thought. I know it will make my oven in better shape than it is now and it will give my buns a better chance at baking. I just thought the surgical part was over and done with. I thought I was on my way to actually ~trying~ to conceive instead of ~waiting~ to conceive. This will all soon be part of my past instead of my future. I'm simply disappointed to be stuck in my own present right now. I also know this is minor compared to things other people in our community are going through and for that, I will try to keep in mind how grateful I need to be and how lucky I really am.
Unfair. UnFreakingFair.
HSS was this morning. While the uterus "looked great", he followed up with a "but...".
~ Previous to both surgeries, my uterus was 50%+ sealed shut with scar tissue.
~ After surgery #1, 20-30% was still covered in scar tissue.
~ After surgery #2 (the most recent), I have "a thin webbing" of scar tissue right in the freaking middle of my uterus. Both sides look great, but the webbing isn't good. RE said I could still get pregnant, but if the egg implanted anywhere near the webbing, I'll most likely miscarry.
Here are my options:
1) Do nothing. See if I get pregnant. If I get pregnant, cross my fingers I don't miscarry.
2) Get surgery #3. He said it would be the most minor or surgeries, requiring only a "snip" of the scissors to cut the webbing apart. I asked about the balloon, he said most likely I won't need it, but if it's thicker than he can see via ultrasound, it will be necessary.
3) Do nothing for now, but get it later. He said he would ~not~ perform IVF with the webbing present and he would require the surgery if I go that route. Damn, this point is the one that really shows me #1 isn't an option if I want to get pregnant again.
How fair is this? ~Another~ surgery? THREE? Three in 4 months. This is not cool. Not cool at all.
I guess the only "good" thing about it is I wouldn't miss too much time. I would have to go on bcps right now to chill out the follies I have present right now (I've got 2 on the left - today is cd11). They'll be calling me with the nearest surgery date, so hopefully it'll be soon. Then, I'll have to take the obligitory 3-4 weeks of estrogen and then allow the bleed to happen and THEN I'll be able to do a treatment cycle. So, if I can get surgery scheduled within the next two weeks, I'll be able to do a femara/IUI cycle in January.
I want to cry, but I'm numb about it. Actually, I'm pissed off about it. This is C14 and I've had what? 3 cycles I was able to trigger ovulation to avoid cysts? And two of those were presurgical, so those were most likely out, as I had a very faulty oven. One of those was post #1 surgery, but I still was 20-30% faulty. My goodness. Can a girl just get a fucking ~chance~??? Any idea how aggravating it is to not be able to have a chance? I'm not even giving a chance to fail. I've been in a holding pattern for over a year. And I used to think TAB for one cycle was hard. Try 14 cycles.
~ Previous to both surgeries, my uterus was 50%+ sealed shut with scar tissue.
~ After surgery #1, 20-30% was still covered in scar tissue.
~ After surgery #2 (the most recent), I have "a thin webbing" of scar tissue right in the freaking middle of my uterus. Both sides look great, but the webbing isn't good. RE said I could still get pregnant, but if the egg implanted anywhere near the webbing, I'll most likely miscarry.
Here are my options:
1) Do nothing. See if I get pregnant. If I get pregnant, cross my fingers I don't miscarry.
2) Get surgery #3. He said it would be the most minor or surgeries, requiring only a "snip" of the scissors to cut the webbing apart. I asked about the balloon, he said most likely I won't need it, but if it's thicker than he can see via ultrasound, it will be necessary.
3) Do nothing for now, but get it later. He said he would ~not~ perform IVF with the webbing present and he would require the surgery if I go that route. Damn, this point is the one that really shows me #1 isn't an option if I want to get pregnant again.
How fair is this? ~Another~ surgery? THREE? Three in 4 months. This is not cool. Not cool at all.
I guess the only "good" thing about it is I wouldn't miss too much time. I would have to go on bcps right now to chill out the follies I have present right now (I've got 2 on the left - today is cd11). They'll be calling me with the nearest surgery date, so hopefully it'll be soon. Then, I'll have to take the obligitory 3-4 weeks of estrogen and then allow the bleed to happen and THEN I'll be able to do a treatment cycle. So, if I can get surgery scheduled within the next two weeks, I'll be able to do a femara/IUI cycle in January.
I want to cry, but I'm numb about it. Actually, I'm pissed off about it. This is C14 and I've had what? 3 cycles I was able to trigger ovulation to avoid cysts? And two of those were presurgical, so those were most likely out, as I had a very faulty oven. One of those was post #1 surgery, but I still was 20-30% faulty. My goodness. Can a girl just get a fucking ~chance~??? Any idea how aggravating it is to not be able to have a chance? I'm not even giving a chance to fail. I've been in a holding pattern for over a year. And I used to think TAB for one cycle was hard. Try 14 cycles.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
there's no shame in pooping.
Everyone poops. Great. If I need to talk about it (as in with a doctor, for example) I'm not embarrassed. I do like to keep it private for the most part though. I don't like a crowded bathroom. I'm not going to make it part of general chit chat at work. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist, but it's not on my top 5 things to discuss over a sandwich at lunch.
This is why I find no shame in a can of smell-good in the bathroom. Sometimes it's necessary and due to the fact I don't want to smell it in my own house, I keep a bottle of it, within sight, in my guest bathroom. But for some reason, it's not used correctly. And I just don't get it. If it needs to be used, spray it for just a second. Is that so hard? Apparently it is because I've noticed it's either ~not~ used when it should be or it's overused hardcore.
When it's not used - why? Does the person think they smell like roses? Does the person think spraying it admits to the act of pooping? (um, not spraying it is worse.) Does the person just not think about it at all?
And the over user. My good lord. Most sprays are strong. It does ~not~ need to be sprayed until the mist is literally visible in every square inch. In this case, I really don't know what's better. The smell itself or the smell of a french whore house. (I assume only whore houses in france are doused with perfume).
As I wrap this up, let me leave you with something that has horrified me for years. The act of smelling something happens because there are actual particles of the offending substance itself landing on your olfactory receptors. Yeah. When you smell shit, it's because you are literally breathing in teeny particles of shit. And ~this~ is why smells bother me.
This is why I find no shame in a can of smell-good in the bathroom. Sometimes it's necessary and due to the fact I don't want to smell it in my own house, I keep a bottle of it, within sight, in my guest bathroom. But for some reason, it's not used correctly. And I just don't get it. If it needs to be used, spray it for just a second. Is that so hard? Apparently it is because I've noticed it's either ~not~ used when it should be or it's overused hardcore.
When it's not used - why? Does the person think they smell like roses? Does the person think spraying it admits to the act of pooping? (um, not spraying it is worse.) Does the person just not think about it at all?
And the over user. My good lord. Most sprays are strong. It does ~not~ need to be sprayed until the mist is literally visible in every square inch. In this case, I really don't know what's better. The smell itself or the smell of a french whore house. (I assume only whore houses in france are doused with perfume).
As I wrap this up, let me leave you with something that has horrified me for years. The act of smelling something happens because there are actual particles of the offending substance itself landing on your olfactory receptors. Yeah. When you smell shit, it's because you are literally breathing in teeny particles of shit. And ~this~ is why smells bother me.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I can't sleep, i type extraordinarily long comments & WOW
It's 12:38am right now and I think the cough medicine I took is making me feel wide awake when I should be sleeping. I tried to lay down but it felt like it was the middle of the day.
I'm awake and tomorrow is going to be a loooong day. Work. Thanksgiving lunch at the school. Finish the work day off at home. Pack for three people. Load up the car. As soon as hubby gets home, jump in the car and drive for 2+ hours. Awesome. Oh yeah, the day will start at the latest - 6am. 5 hours and 15 minutes from now. I'm stoked.
I have been using this time to catch up on some blog reading. And for many people's unfortunate dismay (as opposed to fortunate dismay), I've been commenting. Oh how I've been commenting. Some of my comments were longer that the post I was commenting on! (okay, an exaggeration there).
Maybe it's because I'm actually really tired but I can't recognize it. Maybe I'm punchy. But for whatever reason, there is quite a few of you who have a novel to read upon checking out your blog. I apologize if I went overboard and said a lot of useless nonsense. Or if I turned it into a comment about myself (ack. I tend to do this and it's simply despicable.) It's bad enough that I tend to type long comments when I'm not like this. I just noticed it's WAY worse tonight.
Can someone ~please~ tell my brain that it's time to go to sleep?
Something random. I hate when I use too many exclamation points! I know everything in online-land isn't so damned exciting! I need to stop using them! But when I don't use them, I feel like I'm making a point to ~not~ be excited about whatever I'm commenting on! (okay, those were just for show). You see, since tone can not be read obviously in most cases, I see the difference in these two sentences:
I'm really happy you were able to work out all of your issues.
I'm really happy you were able to work out all of your issues!
In type, the first seems like it's almost being sarcastic. The second one seems like I really am happy about the working of the issues. I know the exclamation point doesn't need to be used, but still, I use it. And I wince each and every time.
I'm awake and tomorrow is going to be a loooong day. Work. Thanksgiving lunch at the school. Finish the work day off at home. Pack for three people. Load up the car. As soon as hubby gets home, jump in the car and drive for 2+ hours. Awesome. Oh yeah, the day will start at the latest - 6am. 5 hours and 15 minutes from now. I'm stoked.
I have been using this time to catch up on some blog reading. And for many people's unfortunate dismay (as opposed to fortunate dismay), I've been commenting. Oh how I've been commenting. Some of my comments were longer that the post I was commenting on! (okay, an exaggeration there).
Maybe it's because I'm actually really tired but I can't recognize it. Maybe I'm punchy. But for whatever reason, there is quite a few of you who have a novel to read upon checking out your blog. I apologize if I went overboard and said a lot of useless nonsense. Or if I turned it into a comment about myself (ack. I tend to do this and it's simply despicable.) It's bad enough that I tend to type long comments when I'm not like this. I just noticed it's WAY worse tonight.
Can someone ~please~ tell my brain that it's time to go to sleep?
Something random. I hate when I use too many exclamation points! I know everything in online-land isn't so damned exciting! I need to stop using them! But when I don't use them, I feel like I'm making a point to ~not~ be excited about whatever I'm commenting on! (okay, those were just for show). You see, since tone can not be read obviously in most cases, I see the difference in these two sentences:
I'm really happy you were able to work out all of your issues.
I'm really happy you were able to work out all of your issues!
In type, the first seems like it's almost being sarcastic. The second one seems like I really am happy about the working of the issues. I know the exclamation point doesn't need to be used, but still, I use it. And I wince each and every time.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
4th post today!
The 3rd one sucked really bad, so I'm going to go ahead and update you all on the ttc front.
~ I am on cd5 of the heaviest AF of the history of Nancy. Only second to postpartum bleeding, this is really bad. The extra estrogen must have really worked this time as I cannot believe the amounts here. I actually had to buy a box of supers. I've always used regular and to be honest, could leave one of those in for 12 hours without incident. But this time, omg! A super ever 2 hours. It's since gotten better and back to a "regular" flow for me, but still. I usually don't even have 5 day long cycles! By today, I'm usually over and done with.
~ Nurse called to schedule the HSS. Next Monday, the 26th at some god awful hour of 7am or something. Yuck.
~ I know I have to tab this cycle, but I wonder what they'll have me do. Is it just a tab from treatment? Or is it an absolute no-no to get pregnant? Will they make me abstain? Use protection? I'm afraid if they don't ~tell me~ to make sure I do NOT get pregnant, I will still 'accidentally try'. What are the chances anywho? Slim to none! But I know me and I won't want to sit out if not told not to. Then again, I wouldn't want to jeopardize any pregnancy at all, so I will probably puss out at the last moment in fear of doing harm. If a miracle happened and then the unthinkable happened, I would know it was my fault and I couldn't handle that well. And I shouldn't handle that well.
Alrighty - that's that. I sure was wordy today.
~ I am on cd5 of the heaviest AF of the history of Nancy. Only second to postpartum bleeding, this is really bad. The extra estrogen must have really worked this time as I cannot believe the amounts here. I actually had to buy a box of supers. I've always used regular and to be honest, could leave one of those in for 12 hours without incident. But this time, omg! A super ever 2 hours. It's since gotten better and back to a "regular" flow for me, but still. I usually don't even have 5 day long cycles! By today, I'm usually over and done with.
~ Nurse called to schedule the HSS. Next Monday, the 26th at some god awful hour of 7am or something. Yuck.
~ I know I have to tab this cycle, but I wonder what they'll have me do. Is it just a tab from treatment? Or is it an absolute no-no to get pregnant? Will they make me abstain? Use protection? I'm afraid if they don't ~tell me~ to make sure I do NOT get pregnant, I will still 'accidentally try'. What are the chances anywho? Slim to none! But I know me and I won't want to sit out if not told not to. Then again, I wouldn't want to jeopardize any pregnancy at all, so I will probably puss out at the last moment in fear of doing harm. If a miracle happened and then the unthinkable happened, I would know it was my fault and I couldn't handle that well. And I shouldn't handle that well.
Alrighty - that's that. I sure was wordy today.
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