pretty please? with sugar on top?
Like I mentioned before, I got the classic "follie tenderness" starting sunday night. But Monday morning showed ~nothing~. Then why, pray tell, do I have to endure the follie pain???
Little bastards.
I'm tender. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. It hurts when I touch & press. Both right & left do though. And we know righty wasn't doing anything except those 5 10mm follies that were just hanging out.
So why the pain? Does it ~hurt~ when the non-mature follies shrink back down? Because that I can handle. If it's because those follies are all dying off and I'm feeling the pain, okay, makes sense. But the pain I've always associated with the growing of large follies, well, that is giving me this fucking false hope. And I would ~love~ it if they would stop messing with my mind.
So. With whipped cream on top? Even a cherry? Let this pain be associated with growing pains OR let me find via dr google that dying follicles hurt.
update: Dr google is NOT helping.
Reasons for abdominal pain include:
Ovulation pain: nope. I get that and this tenderness is ~not~ that.
Cysts: nope. u/s kinda confirms that.
Salpingitis - inflammation of the fallopian: nope.
Chronic pelvic inflammatory disease: nope.
Endometriosis: just had a lap done and had the little I had removed. No way.
Ectopic pregnancy: choke.
Appendicitis: nope.
Other gastrointestinal problems: I certainly don't think so.
Ruptured follicle: nope. well, maybe - if the smaller follies I had were all popping. But u/s still showed them there. I think. Okay, this could be it? maybe?
Emerging follicle(s): damn them damn them all to hell! My follies are not emerging. They've proven they are at a standstill. See? This is Miss Hope talking. She put this in google.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
and when things suck, ~i~ suck.
I've been lurking on all the blogs I normally go to and haven't have the courage to type anything myself. I don't want my flow of negativity to reach out and spoil anyone else, so to everyone who deserves a comment, I'm sorry.
I literally laughed out loud at Joe's last post about hairspray. But did I comment? Nope. I laughed and took that laughter without a thanks. i suck.
Mel got her book published!!! Oh my fucking god!!! (yeah, that's how i really talk. i'm so sorry for any of the religious persuasion who reads my horrible language and my using the name in vain stuff. sorry.) Did I stop and type her a congrats? Nope. The congrats happened in my head. I smiled from ear to ear, beaming with happiness for her. And then I swallowed up that taken happiness to use for myself and clicked away. i suck.
There's others. Chicklet is funny. PJ is being positive. Wordgirl is full of questions. Katie had a great IUI. So did Jen. Jenn is 11dpo with a great chart. Everything in the world I could be commenting to. And I'm not. i suck.
oh yeah - KatarinaJellyBeana is on her way to a brand new cycle and she's white knuckling it. Did I send her an "it'll be okay" note? Nope. i suck.
The list goes on and on. I read ~everyone's~ blog who comment here (and more) and I'm not giving the support back. i suck.
So forgive me dear commenters of support. You guys rule. I'm the one who sucks.
I literally laughed out loud at Joe's last post about hairspray. But did I comment? Nope. I laughed and took that laughter without a thanks. i suck.
Mel got her book published!!! Oh my fucking god!!! (yeah, that's how i really talk. i'm so sorry for any of the religious persuasion who reads my horrible language and my using the name in vain stuff. sorry.) Did I stop and type her a congrats? Nope. The congrats happened in my head. I smiled from ear to ear, beaming with happiness for her. And then I swallowed up that taken happiness to use for myself and clicked away. i suck.
There's others. Chicklet is funny. PJ is being positive. Wordgirl is full of questions. Katie had a great IUI. So did Jen. Jenn is 11dpo with a great chart. Everything in the world I could be commenting to. And I'm not. i suck.
oh yeah - KatarinaJellyBeana is on her way to a brand new cycle and she's white knuckling it. Did I send her an "it'll be okay" note? Nope. i suck.
The list goes on and on. I read ~everyone's~ blog who comment here (and more) and I'm not giving the support back. i suck.
So forgive me dear commenters of support. You guys rule. I'm the one who sucks.
still sobbing on and off
Ugh.
Don't quite understand why I'm so upset about this cycle being cancelled. It's not that I was in the "this is IT" thinking. I just think it was the first chance after so many months of cancellations and waiting due to surgeries, a lot was riding on my "back at it" emotions.
For 24 hours now, time in both days, I've been walking around with having to wipe tears in my eyes, at any moment, feeling like it will burst. Anything can trigger it. Especially the "what's wrong?" and while I could explain it, no one will understand.
I have to go into the office today. It'll be a no makeup day, that's for sure. I hope no one talks to me. I'm going to hide in my cube.
Don't quite understand why I'm so upset about this cycle being cancelled. It's not that I was in the "this is IT" thinking. I just think it was the first chance after so many months of cancellations and waiting due to surgeries, a lot was riding on my "back at it" emotions.
For 24 hours now, time in both days, I've been walking around with having to wipe tears in my eyes, at any moment, feeling like it will burst. Anything can trigger it. Especially the "what's wrong?" and while I could explain it, no one will understand.
I have to go into the office today. It'll be a no makeup day, that's for sure. I hope no one talks to me. I'm going to hide in my cube.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Nope, hope gone now. Cycle Cancelled.
Called my nurse to talk about actual numbers. She was very sweet, but I got out of her that there will be likely no hope for Thursday's u/s.
I had some renewed hope due to them being oblong last time and now looking plumper, so I thought growth ~did~ happen. But didn't know the numbers. Well, I was wrong in my hopeful thinking.
They look at averages, so that's what matters when looking for growth.
cd13:
~ 15.4 x 9.1 = 12.25 average
~ 11.9 x 8.6 = 10.25 average
cd15:
~ 13.8 x 9.1 = 11.45 average
~ 13.1 x 9 = 11.05 average
Sooooo, things aren't looking good for cycle 16. The best we can hope for is the 10.25 from cd13 is not the 11.45 one today. But that's still not a good growth rate to have hope.
I did get the following out of her:
1) follies do ~not~ go down in size and then regrow in a few days (kinda of a "duh", but miss hope sucks)
2) follies that stop growing or grow very little are also not good.
Using deductive reasoning, I have little hope for Thursday and she agreed (being super nice and all that. So I don't fault her for telling me the truth. It's nice to hear it, you know?)
Maybe the measurements today were a little off since it was the nurse practitioner doing the measuring. I did notice how she tending to measure "inside" the lines of the follie instead of "on the line" like my RE did. So maybe the follies would have been smaller last time if she had measured or they'd of been bigger this time if my RE did the measuring. I even use this as a maybe because she said my lining was 5.4 and my RE said it was 7.4 last time. Lining doesn't get thinning mid-cycle. So maybe dealing with millimeters, it's off a little bit. Off enough to allow a little hope to seep in.
I am going to prepare for the worst. Prepare for a failed cycle. But, I'm also going to keep using my monitor and opks to look for hormonal changes until it's all confirmed on Thursday (or that I get a major surprise).
But, I may as well get used to IUI#3 being a big fat failure. And start looking towards the plan for cycle #17.
(trigs here. children mentioned. nothing more to read except this below, so click out (or comment!!) before you read further if you don't want to hear about it)
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Another quickie ... I spent 18 cycles ttc for ella. I spent 1 cycle ttc for allison. This is now cycle 16 down the drain. Shit. Which means, cycle 17 is next. But it also means cycle 36 is next. That is 36 cycles spent ttc in my lifetime (not in a row). 3 year mark. Yup, 2 of those cycles were successful, so I would never say I'm ~on~ cycle 36, but adding them all up, I'll be on my 36th cycle of major ttc (where I used at least opks. None were "let's just see what happens" cycles).
Which, pisses me off all over again. I mentioned this (on wedmd's ttc a sibling board) when I hit the 24th total cycle mark. And I got ridiculed to no end. One woman told me that I LITERALLY made her vomit. (wow.) She (and others) said how DARE I say I've been ttc for 24 months when there are women who have been ttc for 24 months ~without~ success. Other women admonished me for daring to count from my first month with giving me examples that since she started to ttc in Jan '03 for her first and she started ttc#2 in Jan '07, she couldn't say she was ttc for 4 years! Well, no fucking shit. I didn't say that. I didn't say any of those things. Everyone kept telling me I had to restart my "count" and I DID restart my count. I was on c5 of ttc#3, I didn't say I was on c24! I just said that when totalling them all up, I had spent 24 cycles, of my LIFE, ttc. Meaning I spent 24 cycles using OPKs and charting and doing all those things we do. No, they weren't all in a row. No, I've never spent 2 straight years ttc a child (yet). And I can imagine how when I get there, it'll suck more than being on c17 or c18. Just because they weren't in a row, doesn't mean they didn't happen. Let's say you got the flu 6 months last year, all for a month straight. I would be totally behind you if you said "All summed up, I spent 6 months with the flu". How is my counting my totals any fucking different?
Is what I say about my "totals" really that hard to understand? I guess I just have to keep in mind that most of the population just isn't that bright. And a scarier thought - these comments were from mothers who were trying for more children. Ack. I just think of how a copy of a copy of a copy gets less and less sharp.
I had some renewed hope due to them being oblong last time and now looking plumper, so I thought growth ~did~ happen. But didn't know the numbers. Well, I was wrong in my hopeful thinking.
They look at averages, so that's what matters when looking for growth.
cd13:
~ 15.4 x 9.1 = 12.25 average
~ 11.9 x 8.6 = 10.25 average
cd15:
~ 13.8 x 9.1 = 11.45 average
~ 13.1 x 9 = 11.05 average
Sooooo, things aren't looking good for cycle 16. The best we can hope for is the 10.25 from cd13 is not the 11.45 one today. But that's still not a good growth rate to have hope.
I did get the following out of her:
1) follies do ~not~ go down in size and then regrow in a few days (kinda of a "duh", but miss hope sucks)
2) follies that stop growing or grow very little are also not good.
Using deductive reasoning, I have little hope for Thursday and she agreed (being super nice and all that. So I don't fault her for telling me the truth. It's nice to hear it, you know?)
Maybe the measurements today were a little off since it was the nurse practitioner doing the measuring. I did notice how she tending to measure "inside" the lines of the follie instead of "on the line" like my RE did. So maybe the follies would have been smaller last time if she had measured or they'd of been bigger this time if my RE did the measuring. I even use this as a maybe because she said my lining was 5.4 and my RE said it was 7.4 last time. Lining doesn't get thinning mid-cycle. So maybe dealing with millimeters, it's off a little bit. Off enough to allow a little hope to seep in.
I am going to prepare for the worst. Prepare for a failed cycle. But, I'm also going to keep using my monitor and opks to look for hormonal changes until it's all confirmed on Thursday (or that I get a major surprise).
But, I may as well get used to IUI#3 being a big fat failure. And start looking towards the plan for cycle #17.
(trigs here. children mentioned. nothing more to read except this below, so click out (or comment!!) before you read further if you don't want to hear about it)
.
.
.
.
.
.
Another quickie ... I spent 18 cycles ttc for ella. I spent 1 cycle ttc for allison. This is now cycle 16 down the drain. Shit. Which means, cycle 17 is next. But it also means cycle 36 is next. That is 36 cycles spent ttc in my lifetime (not in a row). 3 year mark. Yup, 2 of those cycles were successful, so I would never say I'm ~on~ cycle 36, but adding them all up, I'll be on my 36th cycle of major ttc (where I used at least opks. None were "let's just see what happens" cycles).
Which, pisses me off all over again. I mentioned this (on wedmd's ttc a sibling board) when I hit the 24th total cycle mark. And I got ridiculed to no end. One woman told me that I LITERALLY made her vomit. (wow.) She (and others) said how DARE I say I've been ttc for 24 months when there are women who have been ttc for 24 months ~without~ success. Other women admonished me for daring to count from my first month with giving me examples that since she started to ttc in Jan '03 for her first and she started ttc#2 in Jan '07, she couldn't say she was ttc for 4 years! Well, no fucking shit. I didn't say that. I didn't say any of those things. Everyone kept telling me I had to restart my "count" and I DID restart my count. I was on c5 of ttc#3, I didn't say I was on c24! I just said that when totalling them all up, I had spent 24 cycles, of my LIFE, ttc. Meaning I spent 24 cycles using OPKs and charting and doing all those things we do. No, they weren't all in a row. No, I've never spent 2 straight years ttc a child (yet). And I can imagine how when I get there, it'll suck more than being on c17 or c18. Just because they weren't in a row, doesn't mean they didn't happen. Let's say you got the flu 6 months last year, all for a month straight. I would be totally behind you if you said "All summed up, I spent 6 months with the flu". How is my counting my totals any fucking different?
Is what I say about my "totals" really that hard to understand? I guess I just have to keep in mind that most of the population just isn't that bright. And a scarier thought - these comments were from mothers who were trying for more children. Ack. I just think of how a copy of a copy of a copy gets less and less sharp.
cycle close to being cancelled.
As far as my nurse practitioner says - it's cancelled as of now.
CD15 follie check showed no growth. None. Righty is all still at 10 and a few on left are 13ish. Unless the ones that were 13ish used to be the ones that were 10ish, I've got nothing going on. No response? I just don't understand how that could be.
I'm ~beyond~ disappointed. After 3 months of forced taking a break cycles to get my first chance cancelled under me. I can't put it into words. Couldn't formulate words right now cause of the lump in my throat anywho.
I just started getting super tender too. I usually don't get this tender until real growth starts. Sex was uncomfortable and painful last night. That doesn't happen until the last days of growth and NOTHING? How can that be? Why am I feeling so fucking tender starting yesterday? WHY?
Only thing I can hope for is for some late bloomers. But, also was told no growth isn't good. 2 days with nothing is usually cause for cancellation. Fucking advil. I blame it on all the advil I was taking. Why don't they tell you that? Damn it! I asked her about it today and she told me I should of told them I was taking it. I didn't think TO tell them I was taking ibuprofen. She asks about "medications" everday, but I never mentioned it. Yes, my fault, but advil???
I have this to hold onto. Cycle 12 was a late blooming cycle.
cd13 - 11x12
cd16 - 19x13
cd18 - 19x20x20
I still finally got there. So, I'm cd15 today and I have (2) 13mm follies. In 3 more days, if they've done ~something~, I can continue. If not, I'm out. Insert disappointment here.
My god, my belly is tender. How are they not growing? Why am I more tender today than I was 2 days ago? No sense. None.
Next u/s on Thursday morning. But you better believe if I get a "peak" reading on my monitor, I'm calling for an immediate u/s. Because the late blooming cycle, I got a peak the morning I went in and found 19x20x20. I'm not going to miss that.
Have a good day everyone - I'm going to spend the day sulking and crying. later.
Has anyone else out there ever had follies that didn't grow for a day or two and then they picked up again? Anyone?
grasping here --- Saturday's u/s showed <15x7 and todays they were more round, 13x11~ish. If they started to "round" up, that would not be backward's growth, right? Basic math. The area of the 13x11 would be bigger than 15x7. So maybe I am not out and I'm having a cycle like C12 when I didn't get matured follies until cd18. So I wait.
CD15 follie check showed no growth. None. Righty is all still at 10 and a few on left are 13ish. Unless the ones that were 13ish used to be the ones that were 10ish, I've got nothing going on. No response? I just don't understand how that could be.
I'm ~beyond~ disappointed. After 3 months of forced taking a break cycles to get my first chance cancelled under me. I can't put it into words. Couldn't formulate words right now cause of the lump in my throat anywho.
I just started getting super tender too. I usually don't get this tender until real growth starts. Sex was uncomfortable and painful last night. That doesn't happen until the last days of growth and NOTHING? How can that be? Why am I feeling so fucking tender starting yesterday? WHY?
Only thing I can hope for is for some late bloomers. But, also was told no growth isn't good. 2 days with nothing is usually cause for cancellation. Fucking advil. I blame it on all the advil I was taking. Why don't they tell you that? Damn it! I asked her about it today and she told me I should of told them I was taking it. I didn't think TO tell them I was taking ibuprofen. She asks about "medications" everday, but I never mentioned it. Yes, my fault, but advil???
I have this to hold onto. Cycle 12 was a late blooming cycle.
cd13 - 11x12
cd16 - 19x13
cd18 - 19x20x20
I still finally got there. So, I'm cd15 today and I have (2) 13mm follies. In 3 more days, if they've done ~something~, I can continue. If not, I'm out. Insert disappointment here.
My god, my belly is tender. How are they not growing? Why am I more tender today than I was 2 days ago? No sense. None.
Next u/s on Thursday morning. But you better believe if I get a "peak" reading on my monitor, I'm calling for an immediate u/s. Because the late blooming cycle, I got a peak the morning I went in and found 19x20x20. I'm not going to miss that.
Have a good day everyone - I'm going to spend the day sulking and crying. later.
Has anyone else out there ever had follies that didn't grow for a day or two and then they picked up again? Anyone?
grasping here --- Saturday's u/s showed <15x7 and todays they were more round, 13x11~ish. If they started to "round" up, that would not be backward's growth, right? Basic math. The area of the 13x11 would be bigger than 15x7. So maybe I am not out and I'm having a cycle like C12 when I didn't get matured follies until cd18. So I wait.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
And for my 200th post ....
I'll make it an "all about ME" post. (but aren't they all about ME anyway?)
I am wearing my SKINNY JEANS today. Oh yes. My favorite jeans. They are a pair of levi's and just have that perfect fit. Let's see if the tag is still on. They are called "slouch flare" and size 7 junior. They aren't actually flared jeans - more like a boot cut.
Ahhhh. I love these jeans. I still can't get into any of my 2, 4 or my 6's and honestly, I don't think I'll ever get into my 2s again (that was insane skinny for me). The 4s are sized wrong if you ask me, so they are more like 6s. And then again, the 2s were probably more like 4s, but still - never will I wear them again. I want to get into my seven for all mankind jeans. I love those jeans. But these levis are my everyday love jeans. Not nice enough to go to work, but always nice enough to wear everyday at home, shopping, etc.
They are totally too tight though. And if I saw someone ELSE wear jeans this tight, I'd think to myself "try looking in a mirror and buy bigger pants" but I'm still wearing them. Fuck people like me who would say such things! :)
I don't have anything hanging out, they are just tight. And they are MINE. I'm hyped.
So happy 200 post to me.
--
added later - I bought a new box of opks, cause my internet cheapies ran out. The instructions say to hold in urine stream for 15 seconds. Please tell me, who in the hell pees for more than 15 full seconds? Cause I don't.
I am wearing my SKINNY JEANS today. Oh yes. My favorite jeans. They are a pair of levi's and just have that perfect fit. Let's see if the tag is still on. They are called "slouch flare" and size 7 junior. They aren't actually flared jeans - more like a boot cut.
Ahhhh. I love these jeans. I still can't get into any of my 2, 4 or my 6's and honestly, I don't think I'll ever get into my 2s again (that was insane skinny for me). The 4s are sized wrong if you ask me, so they are more like 6s. And then again, the 2s were probably more like 4s, but still - never will I wear them again. I want to get into my seven for all mankind jeans. I love those jeans. But these levis are my everyday love jeans. Not nice enough to go to work, but always nice enough to wear everyday at home, shopping, etc.
They are totally too tight though. And if I saw someone ELSE wear jeans this tight, I'd think to myself "try looking in a mirror and buy bigger pants" but I'm still wearing them. Fuck people like me who would say such things! :)
I don't have anything hanging out, they are just tight. And they are MINE. I'm hyped.
So happy 200 post to me.
--
added later - I bought a new box of opks, cause my internet cheapies ran out. The instructions say to hold in urine stream for 15 seconds. Please tell me, who in the hell pees for more than 15 full seconds? Cause I don't.
No, it's not about you.
Whenever I have a big whine-fest like I did earlier, I inevitably get the "Is this about me?" comment. And I can already tell evey single person who reads my blog - *No. It's not about you.
I would never have a big whine blog of this type about someone who reads this - that would be a horrible way to tell such a person about my feelings. Ack - I've sucked before, but that would be a new level of suckage.
* At least I don't think it's about "you". If you are a lurker and have never posted before and I have no idea you read this and you fit into my rant exactly, it is probably about "you". ~wink~ But had I known "you" would read this, I wouldn't of posted it.
I would never have a big whine blog of this type about someone who reads this - that would be a horrible way to tell such a person about my feelings. Ack - I've sucked before, but that would be a new level of suckage.
* At least I don't think it's about "you". If you are a lurker and have never posted before and I have no idea you read this and you fit into my rant exactly, it is probably about "you". ~wink~ But had I known "you" would read this, I wouldn't of posted it.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I'll sandwich the bad w/ two "goods"
The "bad" before this post is pretty bad, so I'll sandwich the negativity with two non-negatives.
My lining today was 7.4. He actually said it was "okay". What? ME? I never, I repeat, EVER, have good/okay/fine lining.
7.4?
My lining today was 7.4. He actually said it was "okay". What? ME? I never, I repeat, EVER, have good/okay/fine lining.
7.4?
Whew. Huge IF vent. HUGE.
Until it happens to me, BFPs just don't make me happy. Sure, I'm happy someone else is happy, but I can't be truly happy for someone else's BFP itself. Happy FOR them, yes. For their BFP itself? Nope. Sucks, but it's true. Of course there are the exceptions - there always are. But without any due paying, it just isn't as a great feat for me to hear about and to celebrate as if a war had just been won. If anything, I'm happy I don't have to hear about their daily "IF crying" when they are on their 3rd cycle. I mean, it starts with 1dpo "I have a feeling it didn't work.". Oh, I'm sorry, you are psychic? Cause if you ovulated and had sex, then, well, you have a chance.
I should of startedwhining writing about how unfair it was to not be pregnant after only 4 months and maybe I'd be pregnant now. It's sure what I see happening out there in the newly pregnant world. How come the majority of BFPs don't come from people who actually had to TRY for more than a year - at LEAST? Who actually had to spend some serious cash? Who actually had treatment after treatment fail? Nooooo. It's the one who was getting close to wondering why. The one who called themselves infertile at the 6 month mark. The one who got lucky their first try. THOSE are the BFPs I read about the most. Oh yeah, it's because 85% of couples actually GET pregnant before the year is up.
Honestly, I think it should be a RULE that you can NOT bitch about "IF" until it's been a year. Exceptions aside, of course. Lost your tubes? Go ahead and bitch about it. Annovulatory? You too, bitch. No sperm? Bitch. Miscarriage? Bitch, bitch, bitch. I will not only listen, but I will open my heart to you. But if 1) you ovulate and 2) there is sperm and 3) there is a CHANCE for you, then shut the fuck up until you have something to bitch about. If you simply have some other stuff, FIXABLE stuff in the first year, then deal with it and wait your turn. There are way too many other girls ahead of you in the "bitch about it" line. I don't want to hear it from you. YES - I'll say "sorry" and offer a hug on a failed cycle. Even your first one. Cause failure sucks. But to bitch about not having hope after 3, 5, 6 cycles? If you listen closely, you can HEAR my eyes roll.
This is especially true for someone with a fixable issue, let's say, don't think they ovulate or maybe they just ovulate late. They noticed and were proactive and saw a doctor before their 12 month mark (or 6 if they are my age). Great. Get on the meds you need and get monitored until you get an ovulation. Maybe a mere 50mg of clomid will work. Maybe it'd be on the highest end of 200mg (or is the highest dosage 150mg?). Maybe you'll need Femara. Maybe something else. If you ovulate, wonderful. You aren't infertile. You just had to jump a hoop. Now wait your 12 months before incessantly whining about it. Again, I'll hug you for a failed cycle, but I'm not going to cry with you about being infertile. Sure, you had a problem and you had it fixed. But guess what? Now you are FIXED and you can go back into the normal ttc population of it taking UP TO 12 months and still be considered normal. NORMAL people. Having to take clomid doesn't mean you are infertile. Taking progesterone in your luteal phase because you have an LPD doesn't mean you are infertile. Having a ~fixed~ problem doesn't give you the right to complain about the fact you just can't believe you are pregnant yet. Sure - bitch about the fact there is a problem. But when clomid gets you to ovulate? Then shut up and wait. Did the clomid not work? Did the femara not work? Do you have to go to injects? Crap, that sucks. Bitch about it. If these things do get you to ovulate and you don't get immediately pregnant, remember, there is still a 12 month time frame. You are fixed now. Wait your turn. Did all these things NOT get you to ovulate at all? Another exception - bitch about it and I will hug you every time you need it.
I have NO PROBLEMS with someone seeking help with their fertility "early". In fact, I think the pre-conception appointment ~should~ cover some of the basics. Teach charting. Run some common blood tests like FSH, post ovulation progesterone. THEN let them try for a year. I think it's ridiculous doctors make anyone wait a year to even begin to find out if they are okay. Sure, 85% probably are okay, but for 15%, that year is a wasted year, full of heartbreak.
And yes, I understand the insurance aspect. Covering tests this early would be a waste of an insurance company's money. So couples who want the tests early should pay out of pocket. Blood work is cheap. An HSG and ultrasounds? Not "cheap", but not outrageous. And if you can't afford it? Then maybe a baby isn't the smartest thing, cause I could pay for an HSG every month in the money I had to dole out for a baby in those first years. I know I'll get some negative reviews of this feeling from me, but honestly. Babies are expensive! Diapers? What does that run alone? At least $75/month. (Cloth diapers are great in regards to lowering the cost of diapers, but the time and energy spent from washing them make it pretty close in cost. I wish more used cloth for the landfill aspect, but it's not much of a money saver.) Formula? Easily $200/month and cross your fingers your child won't need a special formula that costs WAY MORE (hello? Why do you think breastfeeding is so awesome?). Add in wipes and clothes and cribs and bedding and blankets and bottles and car seats and strollers. Add the extra heat/air conditioning you use to keep a baby comfy. Add in the extra water from washing machines and more power for running the dryers.
"I can't afford it." When I see a ttc-er say the reason she can't use OPKs is that they are too expensive? OMG. I want to scream. You can get a pack of 50 on amazon.com for $25. Even if you had to use OPKs every single day of the month, that is only 50 cents per day. At an average of 4.3 weeks in a month, that's $21.50/month. And most people only use them for, on average, 5 days/month. $2.50/month. You can't afford that? Seriously? And exactly how do you think you'll afford the BABY you are trying to make? And please, don't tell me you are not worried about it because you qualify for state/federal support.
I don't even know how much I can say about those who rely on support. WIC is great - it helps those women who can't afford to buy healthy foods for their pregnant self and then their growing baby. But women who will spend their "extra" $250 on a handbag because they don't have to use it for their WIC purposes? I find that an abuse of the system. If you don't NEED, then don't TAKE. Or a woman who won't go through the extra work it takes to breastfeed because WIC gets formula for them for free? Abuse of the system. A woman who doesn't take a work opportunity that pays the same or a little more than her aid because it's easier to just stay on support? Abuse of the system. A woman who is able to buy her children new shoes and can keep the house a few degrees warmer through the winter because she's getting WIC? Fine. A woman who doesn't take a job that would make less than her aid and would take her away from her children? Fine. I'm not against support. I'm not against WIC. But when it's TAKEN because it's easier or if it's TAKEN when it's not needed, I think it's horrible. I see these women pull up to the grocery store in beautiful cars with expensive rims and a stereo system. They walk around in $200 shoes and everything they are wearing is name brand. Their child is wearing name brands (and I'm not talking gap or old navy). They are talking on their cell phone while their oldest child plays with his hand held video game. At checkout, she opens up her name brand handbag and matching wallet, reaching in and handing her WIC check to the cashier. PLEASE tell me why this is okay. WHY it's okay to take something just because you qualify for it, not because you NEED it. Why do people think it's okay to take, take, take?
I'll admit it. I am happier for the BFPs from an IFer than a non-IFer. I know it's not fair. I know it. But until you are in my shoes (or any IFers shoes), don't think you wouldn't feel the exact same thing. God. And I'm a secondary (+) IFer. I remember what it was like when C17 failed when ttc#1. It sucked. But I hadn't done any treatment more than clomid and some tests. Good lord. The amount of annoyance I would have felt if I had already started treatment? I don't know how some of you primary IFers do it. Hell, I feel like punching myself in the face for some of the things I've said and for some of the whining I've done. What a *testicle I am.
* please see comment section to see how this is the more correct term.
It's just not fair. There are people ahead of SO MANY in line. So many BFPs need to be handed out before the newbies get them. And before the unwanted pregnancies get them. And before the teenagers get them. There are so many BFPs deserved before even I get one. I wish they got handed out by who deserves them. I really wish they were.
Fuck. I feel terrible about it all today. And I know, it all comes down to pure, 100% jealousy. I want a BFP. I've been working for it. I've been through a lot of pain (4 surgeries, don't you think that's enough?). And I've barely touched the surface of IF. I'm only on IUI#3. What about those on IVF#5? When is it THEIR turn? How come 85% get it in the first year? I've only spent 35 cycles TTC. And fuck, 2 even succeeded. So many people deserve it. And sadly, it's the 15% who deserve it more. But the 85% get it all the time. And I know it's not their "fault" or anything like that. It happens for those who it happens for. It's just not fair that the ones who try the hardest are the ones who don't get it. It's too ironic for my taste.
I should of started
Honestly, I think it should be a RULE that you can NOT bitch about "IF" until it's been a year. Exceptions aside, of course. Lost your tubes? Go ahead and bitch about it. Annovulatory? You too, bitch. No sperm? Bitch. Miscarriage? Bitch, bitch, bitch. I will not only listen, but I will open my heart to you. But if 1) you ovulate and 2) there is sperm and 3) there is a CHANCE for you, then shut the fuck up until you have something to bitch about. If you simply have some other stuff, FIXABLE stuff in the first year, then deal with it and wait your turn. There are way too many other girls ahead of you in the "bitch about it" line. I don't want to hear it from you. YES - I'll say "sorry" and offer a hug on a failed cycle. Even your first one. Cause failure sucks. But to bitch about not having hope after 3, 5, 6 cycles? If you listen closely, you can HEAR my eyes roll.
This is especially true for someone with a fixable issue, let's say, don't think they ovulate or maybe they just ovulate late. They noticed and were proactive and saw a doctor before their 12 month mark (or 6 if they are my age). Great. Get on the meds you need and get monitored until you get an ovulation. Maybe a mere 50mg of clomid will work. Maybe it'd be on the highest end of 200mg (or is the highest dosage 150mg?). Maybe you'll need Femara. Maybe something else. If you ovulate, wonderful. You aren't infertile. You just had to jump a hoop. Now wait your 12 months before incessantly whining about it. Again, I'll hug you for a failed cycle, but I'm not going to cry with you about being infertile. Sure, you had a problem and you had it fixed. But guess what? Now you are FIXED and you can go back into the normal ttc population of it taking UP TO 12 months and still be considered normal. NORMAL people. Having to take clomid doesn't mean you are infertile. Taking progesterone in your luteal phase because you have an LPD doesn't mean you are infertile. Having a ~fixed~ problem doesn't give you the right to complain about the fact you just can't believe you are pregnant yet. Sure - bitch about the fact there is a problem. But when clomid gets you to ovulate? Then shut up and wait. Did the clomid not work? Did the femara not work? Do you have to go to injects? Crap, that sucks. Bitch about it. If these things do get you to ovulate and you don't get immediately pregnant, remember, there is still a 12 month time frame. You are fixed now. Wait your turn. Did all these things NOT get you to ovulate at all? Another exception - bitch about it and I will hug you every time you need it.
I have NO PROBLEMS with someone seeking help with their fertility "early". In fact, I think the pre-conception appointment ~should~ cover some of the basics. Teach charting. Run some common blood tests like FSH, post ovulation progesterone. THEN let them try for a year. I think it's ridiculous doctors make anyone wait a year to even begin to find out if they are okay. Sure, 85% probably are okay, but for 15%, that year is a wasted year, full of heartbreak.
And yes, I understand the insurance aspect. Covering tests this early would be a waste of an insurance company's money. So couples who want the tests early should pay out of pocket. Blood work is cheap. An HSG and ultrasounds? Not "cheap", but not outrageous. And if you can't afford it? Then maybe a baby isn't the smartest thing, cause I could pay for an HSG every month in the money I had to dole out for a baby in those first years. I know I'll get some negative reviews of this feeling from me, but honestly. Babies are expensive! Diapers? What does that run alone? At least $75/month. (Cloth diapers are great in regards to lowering the cost of diapers, but the time and energy spent from washing them make it pretty close in cost. I wish more used cloth for the landfill aspect, but it's not much of a money saver.) Formula? Easily $200/month and cross your fingers your child won't need a special formula that costs WAY MORE (hello? Why do you think breastfeeding is so awesome?). Add in wipes and clothes and cribs and bedding and blankets and bottles and car seats and strollers. Add the extra heat/air conditioning you use to keep a baby comfy. Add in the extra water from washing machines and more power for running the dryers.
"I can't afford it." When I see a ttc-er say the reason she can't use OPKs is that they are too expensive? OMG. I want to scream. You can get a pack of 50 on amazon.com for $25. Even if you had to use OPKs every single day of the month, that is only 50 cents per day. At an average of 4.3 weeks in a month, that's $21.50/month. And most people only use them for, on average, 5 days/month. $2.50/month. You can't afford that? Seriously? And exactly how do you think you'll afford the BABY you are trying to make? And please, don't tell me you are not worried about it because you qualify for state/federal support.
I don't even know how much I can say about those who rely on support. WIC is great - it helps those women who can't afford to buy healthy foods for their pregnant self and then their growing baby. But women who will spend their "extra" $250 on a handbag because they don't have to use it for their WIC purposes? I find that an abuse of the system. If you don't NEED, then don't TAKE. Or a woman who won't go through the extra work it takes to breastfeed because WIC gets formula for them for free? Abuse of the system. A woman who doesn't take a work opportunity that pays the same or a little more than her aid because it's easier to just stay on support? Abuse of the system. A woman who is able to buy her children new shoes and can keep the house a few degrees warmer through the winter because she's getting WIC? Fine. A woman who doesn't take a job that would make less than her aid and would take her away from her children? Fine. I'm not against support. I'm not against WIC. But when it's TAKEN because it's easier or if it's TAKEN when it's not needed, I think it's horrible. I see these women pull up to the grocery store in beautiful cars with expensive rims and a stereo system. They walk around in $200 shoes and everything they are wearing is name brand. Their child is wearing name brands (and I'm not talking gap or old navy). They are talking on their cell phone while their oldest child plays with his hand held video game. At checkout, she opens up her name brand handbag and matching wallet, reaching in and handing her WIC check to the cashier. PLEASE tell me why this is okay. WHY it's okay to take something just because you qualify for it, not because you NEED it. Why do people think it's okay to take, take, take?
I'll admit it. I am happier for the BFPs from an IFer than a non-IFer. I know it's not fair. I know it. But until you are in my shoes (or any IFers shoes), don't think you wouldn't feel the exact same thing. God. And I'm a secondary (+) IFer. I remember what it was like when C17 failed when ttc#1. It sucked. But I hadn't done any treatment more than clomid and some tests. Good lord. The amount of annoyance I would have felt if I had already started treatment? I don't know how some of you primary IFers do it. Hell, I feel like punching myself in the face for some of the things I've said and for some of the whining I've done. What a *testicle I am.
* please see comment section to see how this is the more correct term.
It's just not fair. There are people ahead of SO MANY in line. So many BFPs need to be handed out before the newbies get them. And before the unwanted pregnancies get them. And before the teenagers get them. There are so many BFPs deserved before even I get one. I wish they got handed out by who deserves them. I really wish they were.
Fuck. I feel terrible about it all today. And I know, it all comes down to pure, 100% jealousy. I want a BFP. I've been working for it. I've been through a lot of pain (4 surgeries, don't you think that's enough?). And I've barely touched the surface of IF. I'm only on IUI#3. What about those on IVF#5? When is it THEIR turn? How come 85% get it in the first year? I've only spent 35 cycles TTC. And fuck, 2 even succeeded. So many people deserve it. And sadly, it's the 15% who deserve it more. But the 85% get it all the time. And I know it's not their "fault" or anything like that. It happens for those who it happens for. It's just not fair that the ones who try the hardest are the ones who don't get it. It's too ironic for my taste.
cd13 update & a "holy crap" advil/aleve warning!
Slow grower I still am. 5 on left still there, but either still at 10 or have started to shrink. Lefty was a little shy today and we could only get a good measurement on 2 of them - both were about 15 on there longest side and still oblong. Which, is normal for me - I usually don't see them plump up to be circular until the end.
Plan is to have another u/s on Monday (cd15) where they should be 17-18mm, trigger on Tuesday and IUI on Wednesday. All subject to change of course.
But found out something big! I have a back issue from a birth injury w/ #2. I used to have to take narcotic pain meds on a daily basis, but with many back injections and 2 RFAs (radio frequency ablasions - where they go in and microwave the nerves to confuse them enough to get them to stop sending pain signals) I get by just fine on advil. Now, I know you can't take advil when pregnant, so I always stop in the 2ww.
When mentioning my meds today to the nurse, I told her I took advil last night and today. When the doc came in and read my chart, he was shocked at my use of advil. He told me that advil and NSAIDS (like aleve) can really screw up ovulation. It can make you annovulatory. It can make you ovulate prematurely. It can make things like growing follies but not releasing them happen. (hello? The latter is totally my issue). He told me to NOT take any advil or aleve or anything like that. To take tylenol and if I ever need anything stronger, to call him and he'll give me a narcotic (which still surprises me. I can't take advil while pregnant/ttc, but I can take a narcotic). I declined anything today and asked him if my slow growth will still be okay. He said I'm definitely still in the window of them being "good", so not to worry. Whew.
Did anyone else out there know that?
Plan is to have another u/s on Monday (cd15) where they should be 17-18mm, trigger on Tuesday and IUI on Wednesday. All subject to change of course.
But found out something big! I have a back issue from a birth injury w/ #2. I used to have to take narcotic pain meds on a daily basis, but with many back injections and 2 RFAs (radio frequency ablasions - where they go in and microwave the nerves to confuse them enough to get them to stop sending pain signals) I get by just fine on advil. Now, I know you can't take advil when pregnant, so I always stop in the 2ww.
When mentioning my meds today to the nurse, I told her I took advil last night and today. When the doc came in and read my chart, he was shocked at my use of advil. He told me that advil and NSAIDS (like aleve) can really screw up ovulation. It can make you annovulatory. It can make you ovulate prematurely. It can make things like growing follies but not releasing them happen. (hello? The latter is totally my issue). He told me to NOT take any advil or aleve or anything like that. To take tylenol and if I ever need anything stronger, to call him and he'll give me a narcotic (which still surprises me. I can't take advil while pregnant/ttc, but I can take a narcotic). I declined anything today and asked him if my slow growth will still be okay. He said I'm definitely still in the window of them being "good", so not to worry. Whew.
Did anyone else out there know that?
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