Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I love her, I really do.

My BFF (i always feel like paris hilton when i use those letters) is the most ~wonderful~ girl on the planet to me. I love her to death, really, I do. But sometimes, sometimes, things get tough.

She's ttc #3. And she's never had any trouble at all. In fact, #1 was a wonderful "accident" and #2 was conceived in the first month trying. Yeah, one of those... a fertile.

Throughout my ttc-ing, she supported me. She admittedly didn't understand it all, but she supported me. Sometimes the wrong thing was said ("there is always next month") but for the most part, she did her best. I know that.

This is her second month ttc, although she thinks it's her first month because she doesn't think she ovulated last month. She ~thought~ she ovulated last month, but told me she must not have after all. When I asked why, she said "because I didn't get pregnant." Oh boy. I then explained to her the "20% rule" - that with perfect everything, it's only a 20% success rate on average. She was so disheartened. She then said ~"It better happen quick because I just can't go through this".

Ugh. I have to support her the best I can, but it's going to be hard. I mean, she saw what I went through and hell, even though I had happy endings, it was hard. (Sure, it was 39 months of ttc with 3 successes. An 8% success rate isn't the best, but damn it, I'll take it.) She's got to see that 1 month of failure isn't anything to freak out over. But then again, I remember how hard each and every failure was. I just can't let my past get in the way of her present.

Have any of you had to go through this? Had to support a fertile friend after/with your own infertility?

27 comments:

Geohde said...

Yep.

I have a friend who is ttc #2 at present. #1 took only one go.

She's at the point of talking about how hard it is, and how perhaps she can live with just one child etc (4th cycle).

She has no idea how hard it really is. None. Try seeing how it feels after two plus years and a dead baby when you're on your 3rd IVF THEN we'll talk.

I love her to bits, and she was wonderfully nice with my struggle, so I'm simply brushing over the 'how hard it is' angst. Because to her it IS hard, I suppose,

J

Jason and Samantha said...

I had a friend, yes had, who started ttc after we had been trying for over a year, being told we would need IVF and did not have the funds to do it.

She had been on BC for 7 years. So her cycles were screwy for a few months. I gave her tips, blah blah blah. She wanted to go on CLOMID. Her husband wasn't even home - he was in boot camp!

She didn't go on clomid - no gyn in their right mind would prescribe it for her. She got pregnant the first month she tried. Then proceeded to rub it in my face (she always was in competition with me), I told her it hurt me, she never apologized and that's that.

Fun. Times.

I wasn't upset she got pregnant (jealous, yes!) but she did not have to be such a bitch about it. She doesn't have a sensitive bone in her body.

Rachel Inbar said...

Yes, but usually it ends quickly - just takes 3 or 4 months... I guess I put them in a different category (ones who don't understand what REAL infertility is) and then it didn't bother me that much.

theclam said...

Um yes, I have not even managed to have # 1 yet and my one friend is trying for #2 this month (first month off bcp) and is stressing herself silly cos it took her 7 months to conceive # 1 and she can't go through that long a time yet... I often have to bite my tongue to say well try trying for 120 months with no success and THEN we'll talk... *sigh* It's hard cos I want to be there for her but I'm battling to...

xxx

Kymberli said...

Yup. Been there, done that. I'll email you. It ain't easy.

~*amanda*~ said...

i don't have the same circumstances...i have 2 children already. but, i have been pregnant 2 times since then and have lost both babies at almost the 2nd trimester. after that i decided that my 2 that i had were enough because i couldn't go through that again (i actually almost died of hemmoraging the 2nd mc). my friend decided to try for #3 and had only ttc for 2 mos (maybe 3...and this is after being on bc for years) and was freaking out because she wasn't pregnant right away. she was at the point where she was about to schedule appts for her and her dh to go in and be tested for infertility! now, i'm not infertile...i guess i just can't carry a baby to term anymore...but it hurt me. i felt like she was jumping to conclusions way too soon and it actually hurt me in the process because everytime she talked about it i felt aweful because i thought 'well, why don't you just take your time, relax and keep trying to get pg, then when you lose 2 babies...then maybe i can understand what you're going through'. i know that sounds aweful...but i just didn't understand. now, she's pg..about to have her baby, and pretty much all she's done the whole time is bitch about how aweful it's been and what a pain in the ass being pregnant has been. ungreatful? maybe so, depending on who you are bitching to about being pregnant w/ your 3rd child that you're about to give birth to.

i'm sorry nancy. i know it's confusing, and frustrating. hang in there.

~*amanda*~ said...

shit that was long!!! sorry for the rant...that's the first time i've talked about it!!! hahaha

jenn said...

I have this new 'friend' (friend of a friend) who ice abis asking me advout being pregnant. (she's 12 weeks now & freaked out a lot in the beginning) In the course of our chats it came out that she tried so hard & was getting so scared. She started trying on her honeymoon in september & was pregnant by november. with twins.

it is extremely difficult, but I just shared my eperience & I think it finally gave her a little bit of perspective. But she's not really even a friend & it is difficult.

It is a fine line between wanting to shake the living daylights out of her & say how freaking lucky she is & she should realize it & shut the hell up! And knowing that for someone else out there- I am the one that had it easy. So I just try to be as open & honest as possible with what we went through & not judge her feelings...

Krista said...

I'm not an infertile, as you know. My 10+ months - but only 7 cycles - of trying were well within "normal" limits. When my best friend was planning for number two, she said "I'll be big and pregnant this winter" or something like that. I tried to explain that hopefully she would be, but not to worry if it didn't take the first cycle like last time. That was all I felt right in saying - just remininding her of the stats and averages and ranges of normal.

Marie "SweetMarie" said...

Yep, & I have to say, I am NOT as sensitive about it as you. The line I always used was: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. Walking thru the depths of hell TTC your family, not to mention going thru absolutely humiliating methods to do so, affords me that right to be pissed with insensitive comments or rather complaints from people who get upset about not concieving the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th 5th time ... It actually infuriates me. Fuck them.

But, hey, that is me & eventually, I do get over it.

Wordgirl said...

OOf.

Yes. One of my oldest friends, actually -- fertile like...i don't know -- a herring -- something that just has to brush up against sperm to get pregnant...and she wanted to get pregnant a fourth time but it wasn't happening and so turned to a clinic that 'specialized' in fertility treatments -- but not an RE -- and with an IUI and superovulation she had twins.

Oh, and then there's X with the 'officially has one sperm' husband -- and they conceived naturallly.


*sigh*

Strange though, I'm not sure either one, with the exception of X's husband who saw his first wife go through the agony of infertility, truly understands, or ever will.

love,

Pam

Rachel B said...

Oh yes, I've been there. It seemed like everyone around me was having babies, and I was just having miscarriages. It took me 7 months to get pregnant with my son after 3 miscarriages, and I know that's not really that long to wait, compared to the years other people have to wait. Still hard though.

Mel said...

Hahaha... my 3 closest girlfriends all got pregnant the first month they tried (and two of them have two kids now, same thing for the second children). It's hard not to roll my eyes in annoyance whenever I get the "I'm pregnant, can you believe it?!" phone call but I like to live by the by notion that I wouldn't wish my personal struggles on anyone else so I am glad they don't know or understand what I've been through. It's hard some days, but other times I look at the amazing things I have in my life that they don't and remember that maybe it's all relative.

Becky said...

I think one thing that blogs have helped me with is knowing how / what to say to people who are having a difficult time trying. I haven't yet ttc, so I don't know what journey is ahead for us, but I can only imagine how difficult her comments would be for you to take!

Steph said...

Sigh..Hmm..Well...

I have a hard time with people who think they're supposed to get pregnant first try no matter what. Like my SIL, who thought she could get pregnant by just having sex any old time (she said she was lucky if they did it once a month or every 2 months.. BIG EYEROLL here). She had NO idea about her own body. And..That. Annoys. Me.

I had to explain to her about ovulation, etc etc...and she was 32 when she had her first (and so far only) child. Un-freakin-believable.

I had to listen to her whine "I don't know why I'm not pregnant" wah wah wah wah....for 3 years. Um. Well. What do you say?

I told her that her chances are SLIM of getting pregnant ~even if~ everything is timed right, so naturally her chances are nearly zilch if they "ttc" the way they kept doing it.

(Unless of course you are a 15 year old girl then for some reason your chances of conceiving are exponentially increased by some odd phenomenon but I digress)

Now, granted..the longest I ever TTCd was 13 months. But it was hard. I felt like a complete failure. It took me like 2 months with #2 and then #3 and #4 were (very welcome) surprises. I have nothing to complain/whine about. But I do remember the pain of those 13 months when I was SO scared something was wrong.

But to complain just a couple of months in when you KNOW you've conceived and delivered babies before with no known history of infertility? It's infuriating and aggravating to listen to someone do that.

Although I do try to bear in mind that infertility can pop up at any given time for any given woman so NOBODY should take their fertility for granted.

zach05kate95 said...

If I had a dollar for everyone that told me "the tried for a long time" only to find out "a long time" was 3 months. If you haven't been through it you don't understand it.

Velma said...

So a friend of mine started ttc 4 months after me. It took her 5 months to get pregnant. Then she had the balls in my kitchen (when she was 6 months pregnant) to tell me that 5 months was a long time and that they weren't going back on BC afterwards because it took so long. Here it was 15 months later and I still wasn't pregnant and she was talking to me! Insensitive. Needless to say, she's not someone I talk to or feel the need to talk anymore.

Good luck supporting your BFF. I haven't been able to do that well to the people who've rubbed their fertility in my face. And I know it's wrong, but for me its about self-preservation

Anonymous said...

Oh yes. Love those. Especially the one that told me not to think about the baby I lost to my second m/c as it would just "string things along", all the while comparing my m/c to her mother's 2 abortions due to infidelity and getting the "just adopt" talk. Huh? Random, I know. Now the lovely little thing is pregnant with #2, another "surprise", although this surprise was brought to her by a premonition by her mother on her death bed and it is going to be a girl, hands down. She started telling people she was KU maybe 5 seconds after that second line appeared, and by people I mean everyone. She gave me the excuse, "We didn't have any complications with #1, so we are hoping for the same." Congrats on having such vile confidence in your uterus, etc. I hope she doesn't have to ever go through anything fertility-wise, and by that I mean a month or two, as man would she be needy. So, yay! we're going to have kids the same age.

Jewels said...

Yes- going through it with a couple people.
Remember my beautician? She called to tell me "Julie, you just can’t break down and cry every time you have a period" (when I was on like cycle 17) then when I went and sat in her chair, she broke down bawling because she started TTC and didn’t get pregnant first month - and was on her second month. I'm like "What was all that 'don’t break down and cry' talk?"

Now- the gal at work who was pregnant and delivered when I was TTC came up to me and said "I'm ready for #4
She is the one to say she can’t mix laundry because she'll get pregnant. When she got pregnant with #3, she had her Mirena IUD removed and got a positive HPT 3 1/2 weeks later. So a part of me (very selfishly) hopes she can’t get pregnant first or even second try. But I'm sure it will be a slap in my face, her husband is away in the military, she's going to go see him once a month and WILL probably get pregnant her first weekend with him. That will just piss me off, but not at her, just at the fact of it all.
It's not her fault she can get pregnant so easily.

Misty Dawn said...

Yes I've been there....look at me now, still no baby and she has 2!!!

Can't even count on my fingers and toes how many girls I've explained TTC to, they don't get it and get PG on the 1st or 2nd C. So lame

Liz said...

I'm entering shaky ground with this comment, I fear, as a fertile. But, I think that once you've had the easy time getting pregnant, that's what you expect. My first was a surprise--we weren't even trying (which I say to state a fact, not to make anyone feel bad). So, I assumed the second would come as easily. We tried for a year. To me, that was a long time since the first had happened so crazily. Through this blog and the struggles of friends, I know that I still had an easy time of it. But, for someone who was coming into it very differently than an IF, it was still difficult.

Nancy, I know you'll be a good friend and say all of the "right" things. And, sometimes, you might just have to walk away. But, know that, for her, this is new and scary territory.

Peeveme said...

Nope, I am not able to go there. All I can do is tell them hope lucky they are and they should thank their lucky stars. Somehow after that they never come back?

Maybe when I am further away from it. Maybe someday I will have empathy but I doubt it. Especially someone who laments TTC for 4 months. No can do.

You are a better woman than I.

Cara said...

Whew - now that is a Nancy question if ever I heard one. And, I have no answers. In fact - I have the opposite problem. I am that fertile trying to support my ttc friends. With the additional perspective of a dead baby - I feel like I do an allright job. In fact, I often feel real guilt for my fertility, especially since I don't plan on using those parts and pieces for reproduction any longer.

ak said...

I have the opposite problem. I am the 'fertile' and my young teen stepson's mother is the one who has been TTC for I don't know how many years.

Her and my husband really are not overly fond of each other. The boy was conceived when they were teenagers, and they were never really together. But we're all amicable, and she's actually been pretty nice to me over the years.

Until, of course, she found out I was pregnant this time around. She was a little hostile when my first was born, but that phase passed rather quickly. I've bent over backwards to try and include my stepson in everything, all the while beig overly careful not to feel like I'm 'throwing things in her face', but I guess it isn't working. She won't talk to my husband or me. My husband will call to inquire about his son, and will get no answer. Eventually, the boy calls back, but the mother and stepdad have completely isolated themselves. They're not being very subtle.

I just let it be, because I know NOTHING about what it's like to be in her shoes. I can't imagine the pain of watching endless women around you have babies while you are struggling. All four of her siblings have 3-4 children a piece, and her sister and brother in law each have two. Most of these children are under age 6-7.

They live over two hours away. Recenly we drove the boy back home in a snowstorm. You'd think she'd at least wave out the window, or ask if anyone needed to use the bathroom, particularly an almost 9 month pregnant woman. Nope.

Like I said, I've never been in her shoes. I'm sure its hard dealing with all these preggos. I can't relate, but I can empathize, but it still is a sucky feeling for me.

I guess all I can do is just continue to do what I think it's right. What sucks the most is that I feel like my stepson is the one in the middle. He's old enough to know his mom wants a baby badly, and I get the sense that he almost feels guilty to be excited with us.

I guess I just needed to get that out. Thanks for the opportunity to vent. Just my perspective as someone on the 'other' side. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way.

Rachel said...

I read your post this morning and then had a -great- conversation with a friend this afternoon about how unpleasant being pregnant is and how she 'might just adopt' to avoid it - I posted about it today.

Jennifer said...

I've always been surrounded by women that never have to ttc, they get pg right away.

I waited over a year for DH (well both of us financially at least) to be ready, so when I started ttc I wanted it right then. I wanted it so bad that every month was hard.

It took 7 months and it seemed like a long time. Of course in hindsight it was nothing. I also know it was nothing compared to many others and I am VERY grateful for that. I hate that people have to deal with infertility when others are having children they don't want.

Brianna said...

Congratulations Nancy! Karl is beautiful and I can't believe how alert he looks in those pics for being so new. I'm really happy for you and your family. =)


So she's not exactly a fertile but I'll share anyway. I have this friend who went off the pill back in November b/c she wanted to ttc. Well, she was impatient and didn't finish her pack of bcp - I think she was on day 7 of active pills. AF didn't show, but a week later she decided she was ovulating - who knows why.

About a week after that she started testing and was "crushed" everyday when she got a bfn. I tried to explain to her that her hormones are probably a little screwed from stopping bcp mid-pack and she really ought to put ttc out of her mind until AF shows.

A few weeks later she started spotting and that lasted for two weeks and finally AF showed. I think she's in the middle of C1, assuming she O'd, and she's acting completely depressed because ttc has been "so hard" for her so far.

Pardon me while my eyes roll into the back of my head. I'm trying to be supportive b/c I know how exciting it is to start ttc and I'm sure it was huge dissapointment for her when she figured out that she had to wait for AF to actually try, but come on..."ttc has been so hard for me so far, :sniff,sniff:" Really???