Saturday, February 2, 2008

cd1, c17.

AF is right on time.

I'm not happy I have a "plan". It's not giving me something to focus on because it's still very far away. It's not making not dwell on the failure. In fact, it's making me think ~more~ about my failures. Thank you for all your very nice comments, but everyone just seems so much more positive about this that I feel about it.

I am happy IVF is an option. Yes, I know how lucky I am. I'm not afraid of IVF in any way. I don't view it as some big scary thing. When I say how shocked I am that I'm moving to IVF - it's just because I never thought it would be an option for us financially. IVF is just another treatment cycle, that's all. Definitely more involved, but still trying for the same thing.

I'm very disillusioned.

How come just about every one else's IUI worked this cycle? I swear, about 85% of the IUIs worked! How come not for me? How come not for a few others who worked so hard for this? How come the shitty statistics of IUI ~worked~ for everyone else??? How come cycle 16 isn't deemed worthy enough when other people's cycle 6 or 9 or 11 is? How come everyone else gets their BFP in their FIRST few treatment cycles? How come??? What the hell is the criteria for success? Who makes it up? Why am I not good enough? Why does everyone else get the good news?

15 comments:

jenn said...

Nancy- I am so sorry. I wish I could put the right words together & I wish I had an answer for you. I wish you didn't have to ask the question in the first place.

Denise said...

I know exactly how you feel. When we first started talking to friends about our concerns that we hadn't conceived naturally, we were told time after time that IUI worked for this friend or that friend either the first or second time.

I used to join cycle groups on message boards and it became too painful when it seemed like the whole group had successful cycles but me-time after time. (sorry, just realized I used "time after time" twice in one comment. I must be channeling Cindy Lauper or something). I quit joining those cycle groups. With cycle sistas I feel like I can join in on my own terms at least.

It sucks. It totally fucking sucks. I'm sorry.

Lori said...

There is a pain to being left behind, too.

So sorry, Nancy.

Swim said...

I don't know what to say except that this sucks.

krista said...

So sorry dear. I know there is nothing I can say to make you hurt any less. (((hugs)))

elizabeth said...

You're right: it's not fair (and I'm in that same boat with you). It sucks. There's not much else to say.

Shel said...

I feel the exactly the same way. I'm pissed too. I want my turn!

Kaci said...

I'm so sorry Nancy. (((hugs)))

Glennformer said...

Hugs Plus.

Sarah R said...

All I can say is that I'm sorry. I wish I had a better answer. ((((Nancy))))

bleu said...

I wish I could help in some way to make the pain less.

Please know so much love is being sent to you from so many.

Rita said...

I empathize with you.

JamieDH said...

Thanks for posting your fertility trials for all to read. Not only does it make me not feel so alone, but like I have the right to be disillusioned! I get so tired of people rattling off statistics to me and telling me stories about how it happened to someone they know when they "stopped trying." I had a miscarriage 9/07 and was told the "silver lining" was that at least I got pregnant. It felt less like a silver lining and more like a consolation prize.

Thanks for posting how I feel.

shinejil said...

I totally hear you, Nancy, and I'm sorry you're hurting this way.

Christy said...

I am sorry about bfn-- it sucks any way you look at it!!
I wish I had the answers--I have asked many of the same questions