Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Banning some blogs from my heart.

Okay, 2nd consecutive post. My mind is all jumbled up right now.

I suddenly can't read any of my normal "favorites" pregnancy blogs. It's getting too close for me (to my ivf cycle) and I can't do it. I just can't.

These pregnant women blog about what I want to blog about so bad. I can taste it. And now I'm getting as close as I can to try to accomplish this feat and it's scaring the bejeezus out of me.

Reading these blogs are freaking my shit out. My heart starts to race and I want to throw up. I need to pretend no one out in the world is even pregnant right now. That way, if IVF ends in a bfn, I won't have all these wonderful pregnancy updates fresh in my head.

It seems so selfish and maybe it really is. But I can't do it. I just tried and looked at the very first one and it brought me to tears.

The reason I'm even admitting this is because I ~do~ comment on pregnancy blogs. I ~do~ try to keep up. And some of you may notice how I have completely disappeared as one of your commenters. I wish I was stronger but I'm not. And maybe later in this cycle I'll be stronger. Maybe later in this cycle I'll be able to peek in and see your updates. But for now, I need my heart to stay as intact as possible and reading about other pregnancies breaks it just a teensy weensy bit. I am so very sorry, but I need to keep my heart as whole as possible right now.

To my pregnant friends, I'm so sorry. You deserve more from me.

14 comments:

Chas said...

I feel the same way. I try my best to visit my favorite blogs and comment, but sometimes when I go there and see a big belly shot, I have to go away for a while. I still pray for them, hoping everything goes well, but I just can't read it day in and day out. I'm the same way with blogs that talk about all the things that can go wrong...I also can't let my mind go there.

I'm sure your blog buddies will understand.

Beth said...

I am with you on that. I had a hard time looking at a picture of Jeremy's cousin's daughters this weekend. They were so cute & I just kept wishing they were mine. I tagged you on my blog, Taking Chances.

Jen said...

I certainly understand why it is difficult to read pregnancy blogs right now, so I'm not hurt by this at all. And honestly I don't think there is anything for you to feel bad over.

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

No worries, friend. The good ones will get it.

Much love and good wishes headed your way.

Jenera said...

I'm sure that everyone will understand your doing this. You seem to have very supportive blogging buddies.

::hugs::

Jen said...

Just got your message on my blog. No worries about the deletion. I actually haven't lurked because it would just be too hard not to post when I care so much about what is going on with you girls. Luckily all your blogs keep me in the loop!

Oh and I didn't say this earlier but you will be in my thoughts constantly during this IVF cycle. Good luck!

Kymberli said...

I don't think it's ever selfish to get an appropriate tunnel vision if it helps keep you mentally and emotionally focused. Self-preservation isn't the same thing as selfishness. I'm wishing you luck.

FiestyKel said...

I am a strong believer in having to put yourself first when it comes to infertility and getting through cycles. Pregnant friends will understand if they are friends, and whilst you may feel bad, you need to do whatever it takes to get through with sanity mostly in tact. There is nothing to feel bad or sorry about in that act.

All the best for your cycle.

Claire said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog. Do whatever you have to to get through this stressful time. I avoided all the pregnant women at work during my cycle. I still visited blogs where women got pregnant from IVF because it gave me hope! I'll still be popping in to see how you are doing.

Anonymous said...

It is not selfish at all. Lots of luck Nancy!

Denise said...

I totally understand and I won't hold it against you. Easy for me to say since I don't have a pregnancy blog and, therefore, still expect frequent comments from you!

I have days where I feel that way too.

Ann said...

I completely, completely understand. I was the same way after I experienced my loss. The only thing that makes me feel OK about writing certain posts on my blog is the thought that if somebody else finds it painful, they can just stop reading it for awhile. And that's exactly what you're going.

Best of luck on your IVF cycle.

JJ said...

Im nodding all the way through this post...

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