Okay, 2nd consecutive post. My mind is all jumbled up right now.
I suddenly can't read any of my normal "favorites" pregnancy blogs. It's getting too close for me (to my ivf cycle) and I can't do it. I just can't.
These pregnant women blog about what I want to blog about so bad. I can taste it. And now I'm getting as close as I can to try to accomplish this feat and it's scaring the bejeezus out of me.
Reading these blogs are freaking my shit out. My heart starts to race and I want to throw up. I need to pretend no one out in the world is even pregnant right now. That way, if IVF ends in a bfn, I won't have all these wonderful pregnancy updates fresh in my head.
It seems so selfish and maybe it really is. But I can't do it. I just tried and looked at the very first one and it brought me to tears.
The reason I'm even admitting this is because I ~do~ comment on pregnancy blogs. I ~do~ try to keep up. And some of you may notice how I have completely disappeared as one of your commenters. I wish I was stronger but I'm not. And maybe later in this cycle I'll be stronger. Maybe later in this cycle I'll be able to peek in and see your updates. But for now, I need my heart to stay as intact as possible and reading about other pregnancies breaks it just a teensy weensy bit. I am so very sorry, but I need to keep my heart as whole as possible right now.
To my pregnant friends, I'm so sorry. You deserve more from me.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
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February
(43)
- It's only been 8 months. (& some drama)
- Insurance update.
- insurance freak out.
- Morphology. What does it mean?
- You want to do what with a derby girl?
- 888-823-6067
- I lost out on the ivf study - updated!!
- My idea has seen the light.
- Banning some blogs from my heart.
- Roller Derby kicked my butt.
- IVF Tips. (updated)
- Have you read it?
- Acupuncture #1 complete.
- The answers.
- IVF Acupuncture all setup.
- 4 truths and 2 lies.
- A little more about the ColoBloggers, now with pic...
- I just poas (yes, a pregnancy test)
- "Anonymous" equals bad-mannered?
- I have to blog about the ColoBlogger girls!
- Can you hear me now?
- ColoBloggers meeting tomorrow!
- How long is bedrest for IVF?
- "The Obligatory Med Picture"
- "What is a bad word?" (children mentioned)
- Please don't hate me.
- Hey IVF girls...
- 6 ~more~ things about me.
- ~Mood Swings~ - A POLL!!!
- $4,049.78
- No PIO shots!
- do ~not~ pinch me. (updated w/ a pinch)
- IVF "briefing".
- so sick. & the story of the killer squirrel.
- Crap. There goes my protocol knowledge.
- I'm back.
- The sights and smells of Boston.
- How long do cease and desist orders last?
- hello from boston!
- irony. and bad manners.
- cd1, c17.
- Beta = 4.1
- IVF#1 starts March 17th.
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February
(43)
14 comments:
I feel the same way. I try my best to visit my favorite blogs and comment, but sometimes when I go there and see a big belly shot, I have to go away for a while. I still pray for them, hoping everything goes well, but I just can't read it day in and day out. I'm the same way with blogs that talk about all the things that can go wrong...I also can't let my mind go there.
I'm sure your blog buddies will understand.
I am with you on that. I had a hard time looking at a picture of Jeremy's cousin's daughters this weekend. They were so cute & I just kept wishing they were mine. I tagged you on my blog, Taking Chances.
I certainly understand why it is difficult to read pregnancy blogs right now, so I'm not hurt by this at all. And honestly I don't think there is anything for you to feel bad over.
No worries, friend. The good ones will get it.
Much love and good wishes headed your way.
I'm sure that everyone will understand your doing this. You seem to have very supportive blogging buddies.
::hugs::
Just got your message on my blog. No worries about the deletion. I actually haven't lurked because it would just be too hard not to post when I care so much about what is going on with you girls. Luckily all your blogs keep me in the loop!
Oh and I didn't say this earlier but you will be in my thoughts constantly during this IVF cycle. Good luck!
I don't think it's ever selfish to get an appropriate tunnel vision if it helps keep you mentally and emotionally focused. Self-preservation isn't the same thing as selfishness. I'm wishing you luck.
I am a strong believer in having to put yourself first when it comes to infertility and getting through cycles. Pregnant friends will understand if they are friends, and whilst you may feel bad, you need to do whatever it takes to get through with sanity mostly in tact. There is nothing to feel bad or sorry about in that act.
All the best for your cycle.
Thanks for commenting on my blog. Do whatever you have to to get through this stressful time. I avoided all the pregnant women at work during my cycle. I still visited blogs where women got pregnant from IVF because it gave me hope! I'll still be popping in to see how you are doing.
It is not selfish at all. Lots of luck Nancy!
I totally understand and I won't hold it against you. Easy for me to say since I don't have a pregnancy blog and, therefore, still expect frequent comments from you!
I have days where I feel that way too.
I completely, completely understand. I was the same way after I experienced my loss. The only thing that makes me feel OK about writing certain posts on my blog is the thought that if somebody else finds it painful, they can just stop reading it for awhile. And that's exactly what you're going.
Best of luck on your IVF cycle.
Im nodding all the way through this post...
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