I don't get it. Really.

I so specifically detail how I am not and do not want to get into any kind of "stay at home" versus "working" mom debate.

Yet each time it's brought up, I get comments in regards to how terrible it is for working moms to miss time with their children. "Poor kids" I'm told. "Why would you even have children if you were just going to abandon them?" I am asked. "My children will know I am their mother, not some babysitter" and "You are a horrible mother" is commented to me.

I do not need to justify any of my decisions. This response is ~not~ about that.

I wanted to point out a few things in regards to the types of comments I've been receiving and the topic itself.

#1. I have written about two aspects of staying at home. a) If it's immoral to receive government assistance so a stay at home mom doesn't have to work. And b) How hard it must be for a stay at home mom to re-enter her career if that is what she chooses.

I NEVER left it open ended. I made sure I respected the stay at home mom in every posting. I specifically said I wasn't debating a very personal choice. Yet, stay at home moms have responded with negative comments about working moms. I've only published a couple, but I received dozens. Each and every one was from a stay at home mom bashing the working moms. No working moms left comments bashing stay at home moms.

#2. It makes me wonder. Are these negative stay at home moms bored and craving adult interaction, even if they have to bring it upon themselves by picking a fight? And the working moms don't need to resort to such comments?

#3. The basic argument from stay at home moms is working moms are missing out on our children's lives. And this is something I do want to respond to.

Yes, my children are in daycare for up to 8 hours each day. That's a lot of time. But, it's not 8 hours of pure "mommy & daddy / children" time. What do kids do during a normal day?

~ They spend time with their imaginations during "alone" playtime. I personally think alone time is imperative to their development. Could you imagine an older child who had every single moment attached to their mother? ~shudder~. I think every child, whether at home or at daycare, have this time. For a stay at home mom, this may be when mommy is taking a shower or talking on the phone or going to the bathroom, whatever.

~ They spend their time playing with other children. This is more time away from mommy which I feel is super important. Learning how to interact with other children is invaluable. Have you ever been to a public event (party, picnic, etc) where there is a child attached to their mother's leg, afraid to join in the fun with the other children? This is why children need time to learn to expand their world. To know they are an individual. Stay at home moms accomplish this by trips to the park, the play area in the mall, mommy groups, etc.

~ Napping. We are talking about the first 5 years in this whole "SAHM vs Working Mom", correct? (which is a lot of drama and debates for such a small amount of time, don't you think?) For most children under 5, there are naps. Under a year, in an 8 hour time frame, there is a lot of sleeping. Hours. For my 4 year old, this is 2 1/2 hours of time.

I would say those things above are a good 4-5 hours of their 8 hour day. So now we're talking about "missing" on about 4 hours. And yes, it's time missed. BUT ... it's time to be gained. Let me explain.

When I was on maternity leave, the entire day was just one big long day home with the kids. 5pm wasn't any different than 10am. But as a working mom, 5pm is ~huge~. It's when I walk in the door from work, I am greeted with 2 of the greatest smiles I've ever seen. I take 5 minutes to get in the door, change, get organized and then I have mommy/girls time. It's special. For an hour, all I do is play with my kids. I talk to them about their day. We sing. We dance. And then we get our aprons on and make dinner together. Eating together as a family is next. After that, we clean up together and get ready for bed, be it bath night or jammies only or whatever. We then have another hour in where we read books and play quietly. Tucking them into bed is a happy time for both of us. It's not until 8:30pm when my day is mine.

Don't let me forget weekends. Weekends are the days where there is no daycare and no work. Weekends are special. We know these are the only 2 days we get to spend all day together. Never is a weekend just like any other day. We know how important they are and we make sure we do something special each day.

See? As a working mom, I value the time I do get with my children. When I was on maternity leave, all the days were the same. We just did what we had to do until the end of the day came to signal us to get ready to start it all over again. NEVER do I take my off time with the girls for granted. I will admit I did when I wasn't working. No time of the weekday was special. The weekend was no different.

And this is ~why~ I find someone pointing their finger at me, telling me I'm missing out on my children's lives just ridiculous. Working as helped me find my special time with the kids. Without my career, I would take the time with my children for granted.

Please note everything I just said was used in the first person, "I". These are things ~I~ think. These are things ~I~ feel. These are things ~I~ react to. Nowhere do I generalize my experience as a working mom and my time at home with any other working mom or stay at home mom. I know plenty of stay at home moms whom I admire very much. I think staying at home is a wonderful choice for those whom it is right for. And while children benefit from staying at home, I also think children benefit from having working parents. It's not an "all or nothing" situation.

For me, my career has helped me appreciate my time with my children. It also allows us to live without worrying about money. If we want to go out to dinner, we go out to dinner. If we want to buy new shoes, we buy new shoes. If we want to go to Mexico for a week, we get our passports out of the safe and we go to Mexico.

What a "horrible mother" I am to have a career which reminds me each and everyday to spend all my moments as special time. I "abandon" my children and leave them with babysitters they mistake for their mother. I do all of this because I desire something more important - money. Money which is mostly spent to benefit the children themselves. Money spent on a meager home. A safe car. Healthy organic foods. Hormone free milk. Clothing. Heat in the winter. Cool air in the summer. Water to keep them clean. Educational toys. Silly toys. Trips to the swimming pool. Vacations. Gymnastic lessons. A new bike. Tickets to their very first baseball game at Fenway park.

"Poor kids" is right.

I have opinions. I have very strong opinions. I will give reasons for my opinions. But I don't judge. I am an intelligent woman who understands there are valid reasons to almost every side of every issue. The fact I am strong on what I believe doesn't mean I think the other side is wrong. It's simply different.