Monday, July 21, 2008

Monday update.

~ Yesterday's post was simply a song I was listening to while driving. It's from one of my very favorite bands - Shellac. Maybe I am a little angry right now, but it's an album I listen to when I'm not angry too.

~ The increased risk of down's is completely due to my blood work. My blood work was the single biggest issue. There are two things they look for and in down syndrome cases, one is low and the other is high. I fall into the exact category. The PAPP-A isn't too low where they worry too much, but the free beta-Hcg is really, really high. And that's why I fit into what an increased down's screening looks like. The fact the u/s looked so good is why it's ~only~ 1 in 56. Without that, I'd have a much higher risk. Which actually worried me more.

~ I have my CVS appointment tomorrow morning. I'm not struggling with the test too much. I know this is what I need to get through this. I have a sudden and complete disconnect with this pregnancy until I know what's going on. When we thought Allie was positive for down's, it took a few weeks, but I became at peace with it. It'll take some time again.

~ I am just so pissed off this is happening. The whole reason we were going to ~stop~ ttc was because we were worried about the increased risk of down's. And here I am, going through it anyway. It's just not fucking fair.

~ I'm pretty much unable to do anything right now. Forgive my absence on your blogs. I'm unable to feed myself much less be a good commenter.

23 comments:

Wordgirl said...

Thinking of you Nancy,

Oh and the shellac made me laugh -- if only because W's new favorite song to request from G's ipod is 'shellac' 'shellac' -- the one where it's all yelling? He loves it.

Hang in there Nancy,

Xo

Pam

soul-quest said...

I havent' caught up for a while. Was upset to read all this horribleness going on with you. Sorry. I am following your progress as I follow mine, we are on 'the same page'.
I hope things get better for you. Try and concentrate on all the good.
xxx Lianne

Ready to be a MOMMY said...

Nancy, I don't know what exactly the "anonymous" commenter said to you to make you feel so attacked and hurt-but I wish I could give that person a reality check! I am a teacher for students with special needs and I see daily what those parents go through and struggle with to meet the basic needs of their children. It is easy for others who have never been in your shoes or the shoes of a parent of a child with a disability to say that it is a blessing and that you are horrible to be upset about a chance that your child may have down's syndrome. They don't know the reality and they need to keep their judgments to themselves. I am confident that you will OF COURSE love your child and provide a wonderful life for your child no matter what the outcome; but that doesn't mean you can't worry or be disappointed that you will not have the baby you had dreamed about. It is as if you need to "mourn" the loss of that ideal child and you need to do that in whatever way works best for you. I admire you for your brutal honesty about your experiences and the way you simply "say it how it is"...I never feel like you sugar coat or over think your posts. I look forward to the raw, real, and thought provoking posts that you write. Thank you for being you.

Kaci said...

Nancy I wish I had the right words. I'm thinking of you and your family. I hope the test goes well and you get peace of mind with the results. I hope you don't have to wait forever on those results. (((hugs)))

Morgan said...

I'm sorry you are going through this...it's not really fair to you or the baby to disconnect yourself from this pregnancy though. It took you so long to get here Nancy, enjoy every minute! Until your next results you are in my thoughts. I have a Downs Syndrome cousin so I really don't see how anyone could say "whats wrong with a downs baby" because maybe they should ask the person with Downs Syndrom whats wrong with it. Maybe they could give a better answer than any of us. Our family 'wishes' he wasn't Downs so he could have a better life, have a family, go to college but it's not going to happen. My grandma can remember going to the nursery after he was born and my aunt (only 24yo) was just holding him and crying, she thought it was the end of the world. Now 16 years later he's is freaking amazing! I wouldn't trade him for anyone else in the world..he is SO loving and caring and AMAZING. Yes, if we could make him normal we would but regardless he is just such a blessing. They aren't as "helpless" as people make them out to be...they can take a shower by thereself, brush their teeth, get dressed alone...its not like they are a 'vegetable'. The ONLY difference from a normal person is sometimes they can't speak as well but you learn to understand them VERY quickly. I know I have heard you say you don't believe in God before..but this is what I feel in my heart- he would NOT give you a Down's baby is you couldn't handle it. I'm not posting this to make you feel worse, nor do I even think you are going to have a Down's baby (because i have a feeling you wont) I just wanted to share my story with you. Please don't disconnect yourself though hun, this is Nancy's little miracle and you deserve to enjoy EVERY bit of it! Ok, my novel is over :)

JamieD said...

Be strong, be yourself! I hope your CVS appt comes quickly and with positive results.

You'll be in my thoughts.

Sarah R said...

I'm sorry, Nancy. Please, do everything you can to feed yourself because everything might be just fine with your baby (I know, easier said than done; I can't eat when stressed either). I know all I can give you right now are words and that might not necessarily help you until you get answers. Just know that I am here for you (((((Internet Hugs)))))

Anonymous said...

*hugs* to you Nancy. Many positive thoughts and vibes are headed your way. I wish you were not going through this.

I'd kick the anon poster in the rear for you if I could.

--Kristin

MrsSpock said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! I don't know what Anon exactly said, but of course it is OK to be afraid for the health of your child. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't rise to the occasion if your worst fears were realized. I am the legal guardian of my uncle, who has profound disabilities, and my wishing he had an easier life doesn't mean I wish he didn't exist at all.

Katherine said...

Just take care of you and yours right now. Thinking of you and sending prayers that you get good news...

Katherine

Deb said...

sending all the good joojoo your way. {{HUGS}}

HopingDangerously said...

few things.

i am so annoyed with the anon posters on your site. so annoyed. i wonder who these folks are, and i wonder if you can just turn off anon comments. can you? i do not want you to have to read another stupid insensitive (at best) or cruel thing, esp. now, but really ever.

also, i wish i knew what to say to you that would make the stress of right now be alleviated. i doubt it exists. . .i've been really trying to think about what might help, but since i don't really know you, i'll just say that you are a great mother to all three of your kids and the three kids you've got are all specifically yours because you are the mother they needed to be the best little people in this world. whoever this little guy or girl is doesn't change the fact that you will be exactly who he or she needs or the fact that you are just the right fit for them.

hope the time goes quickly and of course that your baby is healthy!

Sara said...

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Please try to take care of yourself - food is a necessity for you and for baby. Easier said than done, huh? Hugs to you.

Sarah R said...

Nancy,
how soon after the CVS will you need to wait for those results? I hope it's quick. I can't imagine waiting an agonizingly long time for that. ~*~Positive thoughts for you~*~

nancy said...

sarah - 48 to 72 hours for initial results. And the down's screen is in the initial results.

Geohde said...

Nancy,

I'll be thinking of you. This must be a scary time,

J

Lori said...

Sending you good, warm thoughts, Nancy.

heavenlytini said...

i'll be praying for you tomorrow!!! i'm just praying your baby is health and that this scare was all for nothing!!!and like another post said you've already over come so much already you'll be able to over come this also!!! i know it and believe it!!! praying for you!!!

Karyn with a Y said...

Thinking about you.

Jen said...

(((((HUGS)))))

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping that all your test results come out perfect.

Keep strong.

Heather said...

All I want to say is amen to Morgans post above. Everything she said is so true in my eyes too and I feel she said it perfectly. Whatever the outcome, things will be fine. Having a baby with Downs Syndrome is not the worst thing in the world. I am sure my parents who gave birth to my sister with Downs Syndrome 30 years ago still thought she was a blessing not a burden. She was a beautiful baby girl who has grown into a beautiful woman. I also wanted to comment here to the people who make comments on your blog... Let me clarify something - it is NOT a Downs baby it is a baby who HAS Downs. It irks me when people refer to the disabilty as the child. Ok, enough said.
Heather

theclam said...

Hehe, now I feel like a bit of a fool for not thinking about lyrics on the last post - I just like Oh crap Nancy's really mad, hope she's ok ;)

I am praying for good results Nancy, you and your baby are in my thoughts.

Take care of you!

Morrisa said...

Oh Nancy, ((hugs)) I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't have any magical words except I think what you are feeling is totally normal. Keep us updated. Also, I wanted to let you know I am going password protected so e-mail me at ravenschic@verizon.net if you still want to follow along.