~ Yesterday's post was simply a song I was listening to while driving. It's from one of my very favorite bands - Shellac. Maybe I am a little angry right now, but it's an album I listen to when I'm not angry too.
~ The increased risk of down's is completely due to my blood work. My blood work was the single biggest issue. There are two things they look for and in down syndrome cases, one is low and the other is high. I fall into the exact category. The PAPP-A isn't too low where they worry too much, but the free beta-Hcg is really, really high. And that's why I fit into what an increased down's screening looks like. The fact the u/s looked so good is why it's ~only~ 1 in 56. Without that, I'd have a much higher risk. Which actually worried me more.
~ I have my CVS appointment tomorrow morning. I'm not struggling with the test too much. I know this is what I need to get through this. I have a sudden and complete disconnect with this pregnancy until I know what's going on. When we thought Allie was positive for down's, it took a few weeks, but I became at peace with it. It'll take some time again.
~ I am just so pissed off this is happening. The whole reason we were going to ~stop~ ttc was because we were worried about the increased risk of down's. And here I am, going through it anyway. It's just not fucking fair.
~ I'm pretty much unable to do anything right now. Forgive my absence on your blogs. I'm unable to feed myself much less be a good commenter.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
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July
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- I'm leaving on a jet plane
- IUI question for anyone to answer
- I almost just got into a serious accident.
- Oh I get it. I'm chopped liver now, eh?
- It just didn't come together.
- End of weekend already?
- A Braces Bunch Shout Out
- Finally Friday! Yipee!
- Ha! You thought I got off, eh?
- Well, slap my ass and call me Nancy.
- No, no call yet.
- waiting, waiting, waiting.
- I hate rollercoasters.
- A request for some major support.
- And now we wait. And a big WHOA!
- I'm a little chatty today
- Monday update.
- "Prayer To God"
- What kind of a person are you?
- I'm really scared.
- I'm behind.
- The day got weirder and weirder
- Spent last hour in police station.
- Psst ... Any first timers out there ...
- "All babies look like boys at 12 weeks".
- All because I'm AMA
- Happy Anniversary to Us!
- I don't get it. Really.
- It's temporary
- The skills THAT pay the bills.
- The news no one wants to receive.
- RESOLVED!!!
- Can't sleep.
- ~StrEsSed oUt~
- Anonymous Comments.
- My new ink.
- Musings on a Sick Day
- I've turned them off.
- 1 year maternal leave
- Wasn't that just dandy? (question at the end) - up...
- Let's get some people riled up.
- Canned Spam.
- psst.
- Crooked Teeth.
- Thank you MrsSpock
- too much coffee.
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July
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23 comments:
Thinking of you Nancy,
Oh and the shellac made me laugh -- if only because W's new favorite song to request from G's ipod is 'shellac' 'shellac' -- the one where it's all yelling? He loves it.
Hang in there Nancy,
Xo
Pam
I havent' caught up for a while. Was upset to read all this horribleness going on with you. Sorry. I am following your progress as I follow mine, we are on 'the same page'.
I hope things get better for you. Try and concentrate on all the good.
xxx Lianne
Nancy, I don't know what exactly the "anonymous" commenter said to you to make you feel so attacked and hurt-but I wish I could give that person a reality check! I am a teacher for students with special needs and I see daily what those parents go through and struggle with to meet the basic needs of their children. It is easy for others who have never been in your shoes or the shoes of a parent of a child with a disability to say that it is a blessing and that you are horrible to be upset about a chance that your child may have down's syndrome. They don't know the reality and they need to keep their judgments to themselves. I am confident that you will OF COURSE love your child and provide a wonderful life for your child no matter what the outcome; but that doesn't mean you can't worry or be disappointed that you will not have the baby you had dreamed about. It is as if you need to "mourn" the loss of that ideal child and you need to do that in whatever way works best for you. I admire you for your brutal honesty about your experiences and the way you simply "say it how it is"...I never feel like you sugar coat or over think your posts. I look forward to the raw, real, and thought provoking posts that you write. Thank you for being you.
Nancy I wish I had the right words. I'm thinking of you and your family. I hope the test goes well and you get peace of mind with the results. I hope you don't have to wait forever on those results. (((hugs)))
I'm sorry you are going through this...it's not really fair to you or the baby to disconnect yourself from this pregnancy though. It took you so long to get here Nancy, enjoy every minute! Until your next results you are in my thoughts. I have a Downs Syndrome cousin so I really don't see how anyone could say "whats wrong with a downs baby" because maybe they should ask the person with Downs Syndrom whats wrong with it. Maybe they could give a better answer than any of us. Our family 'wishes' he wasn't Downs so he could have a better life, have a family, go to college but it's not going to happen. My grandma can remember going to the nursery after he was born and my aunt (only 24yo) was just holding him and crying, she thought it was the end of the world. Now 16 years later he's is freaking amazing! I wouldn't trade him for anyone else in the world..he is SO loving and caring and AMAZING. Yes, if we could make him normal we would but regardless he is just such a blessing. They aren't as "helpless" as people make them out to be...they can take a shower by thereself, brush their teeth, get dressed alone...its not like they are a 'vegetable'. The ONLY difference from a normal person is sometimes they can't speak as well but you learn to understand them VERY quickly. I know I have heard you say you don't believe in God before..but this is what I feel in my heart- he would NOT give you a Down's baby is you couldn't handle it. I'm not posting this to make you feel worse, nor do I even think you are going to have a Down's baby (because i have a feeling you wont) I just wanted to share my story with you. Please don't disconnect yourself though hun, this is Nancy's little miracle and you deserve to enjoy EVERY bit of it! Ok, my novel is over :)
Be strong, be yourself! I hope your CVS appt comes quickly and with positive results.
You'll be in my thoughts.
I'm sorry, Nancy. Please, do everything you can to feed yourself because everything might be just fine with your baby (I know, easier said than done; I can't eat when stressed either). I know all I can give you right now are words and that might not necessarily help you until you get answers. Just know that I am here for you (((((Internet Hugs)))))
*hugs* to you Nancy. Many positive thoughts and vibes are headed your way. I wish you were not going through this.
I'd kick the anon poster in the rear for you if I could.
--Kristin
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! I don't know what Anon exactly said, but of course it is OK to be afraid for the health of your child. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't rise to the occasion if your worst fears were realized. I am the legal guardian of my uncle, who has profound disabilities, and my wishing he had an easier life doesn't mean I wish he didn't exist at all.
Just take care of you and yours right now. Thinking of you and sending prayers that you get good news...
Katherine
sending all the good joojoo your way. {{HUGS}}
few things.
i am so annoyed with the anon posters on your site. so annoyed. i wonder who these folks are, and i wonder if you can just turn off anon comments. can you? i do not want you to have to read another stupid insensitive (at best) or cruel thing, esp. now, but really ever.
also, i wish i knew what to say to you that would make the stress of right now be alleviated. i doubt it exists. . .i've been really trying to think about what might help, but since i don't really know you, i'll just say that you are a great mother to all three of your kids and the three kids you've got are all specifically yours because you are the mother they needed to be the best little people in this world. whoever this little guy or girl is doesn't change the fact that you will be exactly who he or she needs or the fact that you are just the right fit for them.
hope the time goes quickly and of course that your baby is healthy!
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Please try to take care of yourself - food is a necessity for you and for baby. Easier said than done, huh? Hugs to you.
Nancy,
how soon after the CVS will you need to wait for those results? I hope it's quick. I can't imagine waiting an agonizingly long time for that. ~*~Positive thoughts for you~*~
sarah - 48 to 72 hours for initial results. And the down's screen is in the initial results.
Nancy,
I'll be thinking of you. This must be a scary time,
J
Sending you good, warm thoughts, Nancy.
i'll be praying for you tomorrow!!! i'm just praying your baby is health and that this scare was all for nothing!!!and like another post said you've already over come so much already you'll be able to over come this also!!! i know it and believe it!!! praying for you!!!
Thinking about you.
(((((HUGS)))))
I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping that all your test results come out perfect.
Keep strong.
All I want to say is amen to Morgans post above. Everything she said is so true in my eyes too and I feel she said it perfectly. Whatever the outcome, things will be fine. Having a baby with Downs Syndrome is not the worst thing in the world. I am sure my parents who gave birth to my sister with Downs Syndrome 30 years ago still thought she was a blessing not a burden. She was a beautiful baby girl who has grown into a beautiful woman. I also wanted to comment here to the people who make comments on your blog... Let me clarify something - it is NOT a Downs baby it is a baby who HAS Downs. It irks me when people refer to the disabilty as the child. Ok, enough said.
Heather
Hehe, now I feel like a bit of a fool for not thinking about lyrics on the last post - I just like Oh crap Nancy's really mad, hope she's ok ;)
I am praying for good results Nancy, you and your baby are in my thoughts.
Take care of you!
Oh Nancy, ((hugs)) I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't have any magical words except I think what you are feeling is totally normal. Keep us updated. Also, I wanted to let you know I am going password protected so e-mail me at ravenschic@verizon.net if you still want to follow along.
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