Friday, February 29, 2008

It's only been 8 months. (& some drama)

I found Melissa, the stirrup queen, only about 8 months ago. I was a lurker for the first month, starting to comment when I created this blog, in July of 2007.

While I read a lot more blogs that I have in my favorites, I did start a favorites folder for ease of checking on the ones I read the most (I am not a fan of feeds). They all started in the "IF blogs" folder and as some got pregnant, I moved them over to the "pregnant blogs" folder. Just recently, I had to create the "pregnancy blogs" folder for herveryown, as she has had her babies.

I read a lot of parenting blogs already, being who I am. But this is the first time someone who started in my "if" folder has made it all the way through. Just for kicks - the number in my "pregnancy" folder is now 19 now, compared to the 35 in the "IF" folder. I add to the "IF" folder all the time, as I cannot fathom suddenly moving over the last of the IFers to pregnancy before I get their myself. To make sure this doesn't happen, I'm going to make sure it stays stocked. I think this is why I don't have a blogroll on my blog - who needs it when Mel already does it?

20 pregnancy and/or parenting from my original list of IFers. Not too shabby. Just goes to show that for ~most~, it's just a matter of time. I just wish that were true for everyone. I ~hate~ that I can't console with the phrase "It'll happen".


The drama... Although I didn't get into it at all on the ttc board I frequent, a woman really pissed off a bunch of girls yesterday. She just had a child a short 5 months ago and she came on a ttc board and declared herself infertile because she wasn't yet again pregnant already. Oh boy.

I stayed out of that one. It ended up causing lots of drama, but the girl (and her 'supporters') didn't understand what the issue was really about. Many of the girls responded to her saying how hurtful that could be for women who don't have kids yet and for women who have been trying much longer than the few cycles she had been trying for. The self-declared infertile latched onto the argument of ~"this is a just starting out board, so I should be able to be upset about not being pregnant. Just because others have been trying longer, doesn't negate my feelings". (of course, she didn't say it using those words - but that was the feeling behind it).

She just did ~not~ get how calling herself "infertile" after only trying a couple cycles, not to mention she just got done giving birth, was a huge slap in the face for girls who are actually infertile. The real diagnosis of "infertile" is huge. No one wants that and when it happens, I can say it probably breaks most women's hearts. That year they've put in ttc was an entire year full of heartache. To just use that word in the way this chick did? Well, she just didn't get it. Not at all.

Insurance update.

Talked with insurance company.

Let me just say that I ~puffy heart~ this company. It's small and I have ONE contact who is the plan admin for my husband's employer. When I called, I introduced myself and she cut me off saying "I remember you Nancy! How can I help you?". Wow. She knew me by name.

She looked up my account and said it was not denied, it was simply pending for more information. Since I thought all information was already sent, she got me over to the woman on the authorization review team. She was just as nice as the first lady.

She told me the only medical records she's gone through were the ones from my OB. She said they were very thorough and saw had recorded I started with progesterone tests in Jan of 07. She then saw I had been prescribed clomid in January also, even though I didn't start that until my February cycle. What was missing was any record of an IUI, which they need completed before they would pay for IVF. We discovered she did not have any record from my current doctor, explaining I have had 3 IUIs, 1 hcg triggered monitored cycle, 3 surgeries and a butt load of appointments.

It scared me for a moment in that I thought they looked at the first IUI being 12 months prior to IVF eligibility. I asked her if the oral meds cycle I had completed over a year ago "counted", she said "yes."

The medical review lady calmed me down a lot. While I knew she couldn't give me an answer before she received the records, she did elude to the fact I'm starting my cycle in 5 days shouldn't be a problem. She said the process is already started, she's simply requested more info, and as long as she receives it soon, I shouldn't be in panic mode.

After getting off the phone with her, I called the billing girl at my RE's office. She told me that she did, in fact, send over my records, so she acted all defensive. Hey, I don't care who/what/where the records when to, I just need her to respond to the records request. I wasn't yelling at her or anything, so there was no need for her defensiveness - especially in her line of work. Billing for an RE's office must be tough. High emotions on the part of the patient probably have made her this way.

Anywho, I hope that all the records are sent over today and it's all figured out. I'll still start Lupron next Wednesday if I hadn't received all the approvals yet. I already have the meds, so no reason to not start it. Hopefully it won't be all for nothing.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

insurance freak out.

RE billing office called. Insurance company denied IVF coverage due to not showing "12 months of less evasive treatments".

I'm thinking this is all due to a paperwork error, as I talked to insurance company on January 31st and made sure the first femara cycle in February 2007 counted. It did. I requested paperwork to be sent from OB's office to insurance company. Confirmed today that it was, in fact, sent out on February 1st. That was almost a full 4 weeks ago.

Insurance company is closed because they think it's perfectly okay to keep hours of 9a-430p CT. I will call first thing in the morning.

Yet, I still am freaking out. What if I have to cancel this cycle?

Morphology. What does it mean?

We were told we had a morphology issue since we came in at 10% strict morphology based on the Kruger scale. My RE told us our 10% had cut our chances at a natural conception in half, but since there were good numbers, it wasn't dire or anything like that.

In looking at information about the acceptable ranges for morphology, I've run across many different numbers. I just read "Strict Morphology (Kruger Test) For Sperm Function" and now completely understand what the numbers mean.

"The strict morphology of the sperm predicts a man's fertility potential (fertilizing capacity) even in cases where the sperm count, motility and/or regular morphology of the SA are normal." Due to the very strict rules, "relatively few sperm are rated as 'normal' or perfect during this test, as compared to the 'estimated crude morphology' done during a regular semen analysis (WHO criteria)."

To sum it all up, here is what the numbers mean:

~WHO criteria of regular s/a looks for at least 30% normal sperm. The tests aren't that strict, so many more sperm are considered "normal".

The strict Kruger test looks much, much closer:
~ strict morphology score over 14%: Normal; fertilizing capacity excellent.
~ strict morphology score 4-14%: Abnormal; possibly decreased or impaired fertilizing capacity.
~ strict morphology score 0-3%: Abnormal; severe impairment or probable inability to fertilize.

I'm really glad I found this breakdown. I've seen some websites say that anything over 4% on the strict Kruger test is "normal" and it's not. My RE's determination now makes sense. If I look at 10% being between the lowest "normal" level of 14% and the lowest level of "abnormal" but acceptable of 4%, I see that it really does decrease our chances by 50%! Actually, 9% would be the mark where fertility was decreased by 50%, but it's pretty close.

Bummer. We've got a bigger morphology problem than I had first thought. When I first saw 10% and saw that 14% was what they looked for, I was like "no big deal! We're only 4% away!" But we're not. We're 50% decreased fertility. IVF is looking like the smarter choice a little more each and every day.

NOTE: This is all still a huge numbers game. Someone with 2% morphology and 200 million sperm is going to be "better off" than someone with 14% morphology and 5 million sperm. This post is simply discussing how when dealing with small percentage points where 14% is the top and 4% is the bottom, a few points mean a lot more than my first glance.

You want to do what with a derby girl?

Last night I got my official uniform - complete with my name and number. How freaking cool. I love it all. The uniform of our team, "the c.andy sn.ipers", is red & white and consists of a red pleated cheerleader skirt, a red/white babydoll t-shirt depicting our logo (below) on the front & skater name (MurderRita) on the back and finished off with knee high red/white striped socks. We also wear our skates (old school roller skates) and a complete set of pads - elbow, wrist, knee - and a helmet.

We got everything in time for a fund raiser we are putting on tomorrow night. All the girls will be in complete skate gear/uniforms at a local pool hall. There, patrons can rent any one of us to shoot a game of pool. Yeah - roller derby girls, in uniform, playing pool, in skates. Perfect situation. To top it off, I haven't played pool consistently for oh, about 10 years.

As a side note: these skirts are not long enough to cover our asses standing up, much less bending over to shoot pool. We all know this and therefore wear novelty panties. Some are striped, some have words on them. I think I'll wear my ruffled butt panties. Maybe I'll raise a few more dollars by totally and completely exploiting my girlie parts. Hard core feminists probably hate girls like me, but the 'feminist' in ~me~ loves the fact we carry around so much power. And I only use my power for good - never for drinks, diamonds or a kiss. Quite a dichotomy - a feminist of sorts showing off a ruffled ass to make a few extra bucks for a good cause. At least no one can call me one-sided on anything, right? ~wink~

So if anyone out there is in Colorado Springs and wants to shoot a game of pool with me (or any other derby girl), come on out and rent me!


Hopefully someone googling this will find this link as I am providing the place to complain about calls this company continues to make. Again, the phone number is 888-823-6067. 1-888-823-6067. 8888236067. (888)823-6067.

This company, "Great Escapes", continues to call my house. I have asked to be removed from their call list. They say they will but the calls continue. I am also on the National Do Not Call list. This company does not care and will continue to break the law.

If you have been bothered by this company, please file a complaint with the FCC here:

There is an easy to fill out form there which takes these matters seriously. The FCC obviously needs the records from us to move forward. Please take a moment of your time and file a complaint. Thank you.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I lost out on the ivf study - updated!!

I was a perfect candidate except one little thing ... I needed to give cd3 blood work on the cycle ~before~ IVF. I was already on birth control pills by the time they got me on the initial list for the study.

My nurse just called me and apologized all over herself. She was so sorry for not catching this one provision when first signing me up. She didn't do anything wrong as I was already past the cd3 blood work possibility when we found out about the study.

Bummer. That's $1,000 I'm out. But, all in all, I'm still better off that a lot of women, so I have to keep that in mind. I'm only paying $2,400 for IVF now. Sure, it was only going to be $1,400, but still, I have to be thankful for what I ~do~ have and not worry about what I don't have.

$1,000 sure would have been nice though.

Update: My nurse called me back 30 minutes after I posted this and she told me there is another study she thinks I'd be perfect for. It's actually the study I thought we were talking about in the first place, but apparently there are a few studies going on. I have an appointment on Monday at 930am to talk to the fellowship doc who does nothing but studies. So I'm tentatively back on!

My idea has seen the light.

Remember this post, the post in which I was inspired by the women like PJ of Coming2Terms?

Well, my idea has come to fruition. It turned out exactly has I had imagined, although now that it's here, I think it could use a little modification. It turned out a little too big and I may have to find the same thing, just a miniature version. I can't talk any more about it now, as Pamela has not yet received it. But it's all boxed and stamped and ready for priority mail, so she'll get it by Friday or Saturday at the latest.

It's really not a big deal and I feel like I'm working it up into something bigger. I hope talking about it now doesn't effect the 'big reveal' once I'm able to share publicly.

What I think of as the whole picture is that I will be able to present this to each and every woman in the "Living Child Free After Infertility or Loss" blogroll category. Although I have clicked on each of these blogs in the past, I have to admit I only know a few of these ladies. I plan on spending a little time with each blog so I can get to know them (and they can get to know me a little bit) before I hit them up for their address. This is something that I'll have to ship to them, so I can understand how a virtual stranger asking for their address could be a little much from someone they don't know! Plus, this category touched my heart in a way I hadn't felt before, so I want to know these women.

This whole idea pivots on Pamela's reaction, as it may not go over as I had planned at all. So I'll just have to sit back and wait. No pressure Pamela, no pressure. (~wink~)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Banning some blogs from my heart.

Okay, 2nd consecutive post. My mind is all jumbled up right now.

I suddenly can't read any of my normal "favorites" pregnancy blogs. It's getting too close for me (to my ivf cycle) and I can't do it. I just can't.

These pregnant women blog about what I want to blog about so bad. I can taste it. And now I'm getting as close as I can to try to accomplish this feat and it's scaring the bejeezus out of me.

Reading these blogs are freaking my shit out. My heart starts to race and I want to throw up. I need to pretend no one out in the world is even pregnant right now. That way, if IVF ends in a bfn, I won't have all these wonderful pregnancy updates fresh in my head.

It seems so selfish and maybe it really is. But I can't do it. I just tried and looked at the very first one and it brought me to tears.

The reason I'm even admitting this is because I ~do~ comment on pregnancy blogs. I ~do~ try to keep up. And some of you may notice how I have completely disappeared as one of your commenters. I wish I was stronger but I'm not. And maybe later in this cycle I'll be stronger. Maybe later in this cycle I'll be able to peek in and see your updates. But for now, I need my heart to stay as intact as possible and reading about other pregnancies breaks it just a teensy weensy bit. I am so very sorry, but I need to keep my heart as whole as possible right now.

To my pregnant friends, I'm so sorry. You deserve more from me.

Roller Derby kicked my butt.

I've been out since Dec 17th, when I had my foot surgery. Actually, I had been out since the wednesday before that, Dec 12th, when I had last worn my skates.

Let's see, how long was that? 10 1/2 weeks.

During this time, I wasn't working out because well, I had a broken foot. Kinda of takes out most of my work out possibilities. Doc didn't want me to do anything more than brisk walking until the 8 week mark from surgery which was 2 weeks ago. I started out on my little mini stair climber i have here at home and did 30 minutes a day while watching tv at night.

Last night was obviously my first day back at roller derby and I started out the night like I hadn't been away.

First up was warm ups where we skate at regular pace and our coach blows a whistle every few seconds (that seems like forever) and we squat to the ground. Up and down, up and down.

Next is simple stretching which is taken very seriously.

Now comes actual practice. Sprinting drills are first. We skate at normal pace and then the whistle blows. Sprint! You skate as fast as you possible can. At this time you also work on your communication where you let people you are passing know where you are. There are about 40 girls so it can get to be quite a cluster. Push! Push! Push! I hear my couch yell at us. And I push it. I'm not the fastest by far, but fortunately, after 10 1/2 weeks out, I'm not the slowest. I skate my ass off and I want to shove that whistle up his ass.

Water break. And now I realize I am actually limping while skating. My surgically improved foot is shooting knife pain throughout the front. By the time the next drill starts (skating a skinny coned in course through many twists and turns for speed) I realize I can't push off my right foot. That means no turning. I try to just sprint and instead of going inside the course, I go on the outside and have to hold my right foot off the ground completely.

I'm done. I have to sit it out for the rest of practice with an ice bag on my foot. I'm pissed and I feel lame. I'm finally back on the team and I can't add anything of value.

I sit it out until strength training at the end where we do ab work and push ups. Then we all have to do squats up and down the rink which no one likes. Especially after a hard workout.

I'm sore today and I'm pondering my options. Of course I will quit as soon as I get pregnant. Of course I'll have to take some days off while I go through my bed rest surrounding IVF. But until then, I want to be a part of my team. I don't want to let them down - even if I'm there just to help them practice and become a better team. And I can't. And that sucks.

Monday, February 25, 2008

IVF Tips. (updated)

These were tips/suggestions given to me by my acupuncturist. I list them just to share what has been told to me.

updated: Like I had said, I'm just passing the info I was given along. I'm not suggesting it to you, I'm just sharing it with you. I am aware many women get pregnant without doing all of this, but then again, many women get pregnant without having to do ivf. I'll do what is comfortable for me and I'll do what I deem important. I'm ~not~ saying that you MUST do all or even any of these things for ivf to succeed. I'm simply passing along the information that was given to me. Oh - and my RE and acupuncturist work hand in hand. These recommendations are added to my IVF file too. So everyone knows everything.

female protocol:
* deep sea fish oil 1200mg per day in divided doses
* prenatal
* additional folic acid taken away from prenatal. If you take prenatal at night, take the extra folic acid in morning.
* Greens Plus (helps keeps your system alkaline instead of acidic)
* Bee Pollen with Propolis (boosts egg quality)
* If you are taking metformin or glucophase, take EXTRA B vitamins because this medication depletes your body of B vitamins.

male protocol:
* Vitamin C 2,000 mgs/dat (ester C is good) in divided doses
* Vitamin E 800 IU/day
* Beta Carotene 100,000 IU/day
* Selenium 200micrograms/day
* Zinc 60 mgs/day divide dose to avoid tummy troubles (necessary for sperm production and testosterone metabolism)
* B12 1,000mg/day (involved in replication of cells)
* Deep sea fish oil
* L-arginine 2-4g/day (amino acid involved in cellular replication)
* L-carnatine 1,000-1,200mg/day (assists in sperm motility)
* Magnesium aspartate - 200mg/day (magnesium is intimately involved in cellular energy metabolism in the mitochondria)
* Because of sperm's susceptibility to oxidative damage, it is wish to use free-radical scavengers such as pine bark, red wine extract, grape seed extract and bilbetty extract. Pycnogenol (pine bark extract) enhances the effects of other antioxidants. Recommended dose is 125mg/day from various sources.

~ DIET for women ~
* eliminate all refined sugar
* don't eat refined carbs
* ELIMINATE caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, chocolate and soda pop.
* eat organic and hormone free whenever possible
* avoid dairy products such as milk, cheese and ice cream. Goat milk/cheese is okay.
* Eat fresh fruit
* Eat alkaline rather than acidic foods
* Get plenty of essential fatty acids
* consume lots of organic vegetables. Make sure they are COOKED! Do not eat raw foods.
* DO NOT EAT COLD FOODS. No ice cold beverages and ESPECIALLY avoid ice cream (she went on to say how anything cold will take blood flow away from uterus to be used in the belly to warm up anything cold you've eaten.

~ DIET for MEN ~
* Pretty much all the above, except dairy and sodas can be had in moderation.

* after retrieval, it's suggested to get a massage to help you relax and get circulation going
* laugh a lot, stay positive and rely on your support group to help out.
* stay hydrated
* again, no ice water or ice cream
* watch movies while on bed rest - don't watch horror, heavy or depressing movies. Mind set is important
* Always keep your feet warm, wear socks, never use hot packs on your low back or abdomen, hot packs on your feet are great and safe.
* use a fireman's roll to get up as added protection
* get up to go to the bathroom, make yourself something to eat and to get a change of scenery. It's strongly suggested you stay in a resting position with your feet up as long as your doctor recommends bed rest.
* keep pictures of your embryos nearby and visualize them implanting, promise them you will be great parents. Remember your belief needs to be strong right now and your body hears every thought you have.
* Be assured your embryos WILL NOT FALL OUT. The sides of the uterine wall touch and envelopes the embryos. Move around as you normally do, we want you to rest but also we want your blood to circulate. Don't be afraid to walk around and do things at a normal pace.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Have you read it?

I know every single person who reads this blog from the IF community already knows of Mel's blog. She's the Stirrup Queen herself.

Knowing who Mel is, you already know she blogs for the BlogHer blogging community. (nice. I got three blog words in one sentance!) I just got done reading her newest installment, Urination Fascination: Home Pregnancy Tests, Infertility, and Halle Berry's Stash and I'm mentioned and quoted!

Yup, it's true. I feel pretty damned cool. Even if it's about how ~insane~ I am about peeing on little cardboard sticks. ~smile~

Acupuncture #1 complete.


That's what I have to say about it. Ahhhhhhh. It was ~so~ great.

The forms I had to fill out were immense. I couldn't believe how much "fertility" history I had to provide. They wanted charts. They wanted ovulation dates. They wanted LP ranges. They wanted a detailed history of all treatment cycles, even getting down to the details of what each of my follicles measured. They wanted symptoms of how I felt on bfn cycles, basically my pms signs. It was seriously like 6 pages of detailed questions - and that was just my fertility background! The medical questionnaire was another 4 pages (yes, less than the fertility stuff!)

There are 2 docs. One who's background is in western medicine who went over the hows/whys of what acupuncture does. Then the other is the eastern medicine one who went over the things she needs me and my husband to do during the IVF cycle - things like the ph diet, supplements to take, etc. Also the whole gamut of the dos/donts of health during IVF. It went from the science behind blood flow to the power of positive visualization. And honestly, it was great. Because I am a very scientific person, it was awesome to have someone there who talked the science to counter the eastern medicine part which I don't know much about.

I won't lie and I'll tell you I don't really "get" this who visualization thing. I mean, I understand thinking positive is going to create more positive things for a person than a negative thinker, but it's because a negative thinker doesn't go that extra step sometimes because of the "what's the point?" attitude. There is a science behind it. Visualization, however, doesn't have the science. And while I don't understand it, I'm definitely not shoving it aside. I'll try it and see how it goes, but I'm glad this practice isn't 100% bells and wind chimes. I get to latch onto the science part of it and allow the other part to come in small doses. I couldn't ask for more.

The treatment itself was fucking awesome. This session involved back of the calves and lower back needle placement, along with the electro stimulation. We talked in length about my lower back pain and he is including that in his treatment, so maybe I'll even get some relief on that end. It felt ~soooo~ good. The electro shocks running through everything was good, but my lower back was in heaven. With each pulse, I felt relief. Wow.

I brought my ipod because I'm not a very good relaxer during treatments like this. Even with massage, I have to talk. So left in a room by myself for 30 minutes to let the needles to their work, I knew I needed distraction. My ipod played some mazzy star, bob marley and even a bit of the cure's disintegration album. I have a lot of music I don't listen to much anymore, but it's all stuff I listened to at one time. The cure was total from my high school days, but it fit well into today's session.

One session down, 10 to go. Now to go read over all of the literature they gave me about improving my IVF outcome by changing my lifestyle in different ways. I'm up for the challenge.

Friday, February 22, 2008

The answers.

This was so much fun. And for the record, I am very open with my past - I don't regret anything, as each and every 'mistake' is what made me into the person I am. Without some horrible things being "true", I wouldn't know that I can really bounce back from adversity, I wouldn't know that hitting rock bottom wasn't the end of my world, I wouldn't know that change is something you have to embrace instead of being scared of it. I judge people based on their shoe choice, but I never judge people on their past - it's their present I'm concerned about. I can't help it if any of you decide to judge me, but I'll let you know now, I won't pay it any attention if you do.

Some of these are going to be long, so I would ask you to take a moment and read the reasoning behind anything that shocked you.

1. I sat around a campfire with and sang folky songs like "sweet home alabama" at a frat party.
True. Back in my college days, I hung out in the punk rock crowd - most of my friends being in bands. One night they (g-w.hiz and hora.ce pin.ker) had a gig in Tucson, to play a frat party. It was a strange venue - us being punk rock and they being a fraternity, but it was a 'party frat'. It was an outdoor party, a makeshift stage setup in back. First two bands played and then a band that was just starting to gain popularity, gree.nday, was to play next. It was spring or fall of 1991 I believe, and "1039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours" had already been released and were on a 'traveling in our van' tour. They were set to play with horac.e pin.ker the next night at a club in phoenix and I think they got this party that way. Anywho - gree.nday sets up to play, starts playing and police show up. Seems our 'noise' permit only went to 10:30pm. Not to stop the show, the boys unplugged and we all sat around the fire singing songs we all knew. Sweet Home Alabama was the one that stuck in my mind because I surveyed the scene and thought how funny it looked - all us punk kids (i honestly don't remember the frat members at this point) sitting around a fire singing that song. We all went back and crashed in our big shared apartment that night - me with a windburn from laying my head on my open window on the drive home.

2. I toured with punk bands after high school, playing all across the country.
False. While I did travel along with some of the bands I knew that played some shows up and down california, I didn't "tour all across the country" with anyone.

3. In true rock star form, I became a horrible he.roin junky, selling all my stuff for the black tar.
True. It was the mid 90s and something that started out as trying something new at a party turned into a daily habit. While I would try anything back then, I never got hooked on anything - never using at work, school, etc. More like a weekend-at-a-party thing. But h.eroin was different. Before I knew it, I had an honest to goodness ~physical~ addiction. I had to use just to feel normal. There was no "high" to it - just "normal". In a short 9-10 months, I lost most of my things - selling them to buy blac.k tar h.eroin. I overdosed a few times - my junky friends bringing me back to life by throwing me into a cold shower to get my heart restarted. Once was when I was at my parents house which my father had to perform cpr on me and I gained consciousness in the back of an ambulance. The look on my parents face was what it took for me to quit for myself. Although the reasons to quit were great and all my loved ones did what they could - nothing would work until I was mentally ready. Once I got there, it was easy. I removed myself from the scene and simply quit. A week later, the physical addiction was gone and all that was left was my psychological scars, so I stayed away. That was almost 12 years ago and I've never looked back. It's not something I fret about daily. It's not something I am worried I'll fall back into. It's over and done with and my life is too precious now. Plus, I have other people counting on me and using drugs is way too selfish. I never did anything I can't live with - I borrowed a lot of money which I paid back every single cent (except I owe $50 to Andrew Skulnick whom I haven't found since. I will pay him if I ever find him.) I never did anything "in exchange" for it so nothing like that is on my soul. My decisions are what got me here. I wouldn't have moved to colorado. I wouldn't have met Tom. I wouldn't of had my daughters. If I had it all to live again, I wouldn't, I couldn't, change a thing.

4. In high school, I was given a dead pig as my lab partner because it's the only partner who wouldn't talk with me during lecture.
True. Apparently I'm chatty. Shocker. And I would talk during lecture - no matter who I was partnered with. My teacher had given me an array of lab partners, never finding the person who wouldn't chat with me. One day she decided to make an example out of me and she sat me in the back row at one of the tables by myself, went in the back room and came back to sit a large bag of dead pigs in the chair next to me - saying "try talking to them!". Too bad I had to be funny and had a one-sided conversation with the pigs throughout class. The other kids couldn't stop laughing but my teacher refused to acknowledge it.

5. I got to skip taking my spanish final by standing in front of the class and sing "la bamba".
False. We were offered a 50 points extra credit on our final ~if~ we chose to stand up in front of the class and sing "la bamba" - which I took advantage of, but I didn't get to skip my spanish final. (actually, I did skip my mid-term because I was dating the spanish teacher's son and got away with anything in that class - left me needing the 50 pts for the final, and A in the class and a terrible grasp on the spanish language.) To this day, I still know every word to that song.

6. I was in the top 3% of our class, so I received an academic scholarship to University.
True. My first 2 years in college was 100% paid for by an academic scholarship. And as Sarah pointed out, I initially spelled academic wrong, so no way could I possibly be smart enough for this to be true. Sorry to disappoint, but I am and typos/misspellings happen - even to the smart ones!

Congrats to my friend Laurel who was the only one who guessed correctly. Not quite fair, as she knew quite a bit of them, but not all.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

IVF Acupuncture all setup.

(if you haven't guessed my lies and truths in the previous post, don't forget to do so! I'll be giving the answers tomorrow morning.)

Miss Swim got me thinking about acupuncture for my upcoming IVF cycle, so I went ahead and got the ball rolling. (by the way, if you know anything about acupuncture, Swim has some questions - please go and visit her post to see if you can give her a hand with some opinions).

I already knew I would be doing the acupuncture with IVF. I've heard such good things about it and it can't hurt, right?

I called up my RE's office and they gave me the info of who they work with. I then turned around and called the acupuncture office and had a really nice conversation with the girl who answered the phone.

They offer an "IVF" plan which consists of 11 sessions, 9 to be taken in the weeks before IVF, 1 to be taken immediately before ET - the night before or the morning before, and the last to be done promptly following ET - meaning you are to call them at the moment you walk out of the RE's office and get the heck over there.

Everything during the weeks before ER will be so hectic, I'm glad I called now to get this started. They want me to group most of my appointments right before egg retrieval, so I'm getting in 2-3 appointments per week for the weeks I'll be doing stims, but I do get to have 3 weekly appointments before that, starting this saturday! I'm thrilled at the aspect of starting to relax sooner rather than later.

The only appointments that are not scheduled are the ones immediately before and after egg transfer. I bet if I let them in the stirrup room, they'd want to be poking me with little teeny needles while I felt a breeze on my cervix. When I find out when ER is, I'm to call and they'll fit me right in.

All of this is going to cost a little chunk out of my wallet, but I am not complaining at all. No complaining even allowed from someone in my position. If I was someone else looking in at my luck with insurance and saw me complaining about acupuncture, I'd have to punch me in the face. No doubt. It's not really that expensive anyway. $625 for all 11 sessions, which is $57 per session. I will gladly pay $57/day if it helps my future embryos implant themselves into my maternalness.

4 truths and 2 lies.

Looks like it's my turn. Jenn tagged me so I gotta do it. I was going to skip this one if not asked, but, well, I was asked ...

Post six items about yourself, four of which are true, and two of which are lies, and then open comments for people to take a guess as to which items are the false ones.

1. I sat around a campfire with and sang folky songs like "sweet home alabama" at a frat party.

2. I toured with punk bands after high school, playing all across the country.

3. In true rock star form, I became a horrible he.roin junky, selling all my stuff for the black tar.

4. In high school, I was given a dead pig as my lab partner because it's the only partner who wouldn't talk with me during lecture.

5. I got to skip taking my spanish final by standing in front of the class and singing "la bamba".

6. I was in the top 3% of our class, so I received an academic scholarship to University.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A little more about the ColoBloggers, now with picture!

Thanks to Heidi who thought about actually taking some photographic evidence of our meeting. Here is the end result of all the planning done by Lori:

From left to right: Heidi, Nancy (me!), Denise, Meg, K, Lori, and Duffy.

I wanted to take a moment to say something about each girl I met. I don't want to go and talk about their stories, as you can find them out yourself, but it's just what I brought away from the meeting. I'll just go ahead and go in order of the picture.

Heidi: A little back story to me before I go onto what I have to say about Heidi. I like to talk about people to others. People I know and people I may have not had any contact with - maybe just reading their blog. Nothing bad and gossipy, but I do like to discuss how I feel about some people. It's nothing I wouldn't say to the person's face if it came down to it, I wouldn't lie to them, but it is stuff I wouldn't go out of my way to tell that person. I hope you understand what I mean ... it's that I like to get feedback in how I feel about some people in case I have the wrong impression. And to be honest, I've gotten my opinion changed before because of the input of a 3rd party.

Anywho - whenever I mentioned something, Heidi went right to the ~good~ of anything she could find in the person. For example (not something I actually said), I would say "Has anyone noticed how touchy 'Susan' is about the color yellow? Whenever I mention yellow, Susan seems to get agitated with me." To this, even if Heidi has never even heard of Susan, she'd say in response "Maybe she had a horrible thing happen to her when she was painting her room yellow. If it was me, I'd probably be really rude whenever I had to talk about yellow too".

So she was able to stop me in my tracks each time. And even though I wasn't actually saying Susan was a bad person, Heidi made me feel badly about even bringing it up in the first place. This is nothing bad about Heidi - this is actually really good. She was able to get me to think about only the good in someone so I would never had to bring up the discussion to begin with. It tells me that Heidi wouldn't be a great shit-talking partner, but bottom line, I think it's a great quality to have - a quality I don't have.

Denise: I was really excited to meet Denise and I'm so glad she was able to make it. What I wasn't expecting was how quiet she was. I don't know if this was because she was shy or if she was just simply allowing others to talk while she was soaking it in, but she definitely wasn't overtaking the conversations. Or, maybe it was because I was talking so damned much (it's a horrible issue of mine) and with me talking, I didn't give her the chance. (i suck!).

She kept her scarf on the entire time though and it made me think that she must be super hot. Then I thought that she was hiding a bunch of hickies. heh. I didn't ask her though.

Meg: Meg was awesome. We have the whole uterus thing in common, as something is "wrong" with both of ours. She's just in the place where the first service man stopped by her house and told her something was wrong, but she hasn't been given her estimate yet. It may not be a big issue, but yet it may be. It's a tough place to be in - a place I remember too well. The aspect of waiting for parts is one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. While other women get to try to cook up that perfect dinner every month, I had to wait. And then wait to see if it would work. Then wait for parts again. Over and over.

It's not just her oven that I took away from our meeting. I took away some understanding too. I was able to discuss a bit about my secondary infertility feelings and she actually seemed interested in my feelings. You don't find that much in the primary IFer. Maybe it's because she's a nanny and she's around children like I am each day, practically mothering them. I think she's actually in that place where she's a primary IFer, but knowing how a secondary IFer actually feels. That's rare.

K: K didn't talk too much, being on the quiet side along with Denise. She was the other secondary IFer in the group and I could see she was very wounded with her journey. My heart went out to her to see her emotions so visibly. We read blogs all the time where the author says they are crying, but it's another thing to see it right there in front of you. No, no one ended up crying at the table (which would have been completely okay if someone did), but there were some tears. I think I actually made a tear happen due to something I said, which made me feel a flash of guilt. I know it's the journey itself that creates the emotions, not anything I said, but still. When you are the person who's words create a tear in someone else, it's going to affect you.

K doesn't blog so I didn't have any preconceived notions of her, so the only thing I took away was everything I met at that meeting. She's part of our group now and she's sharing her story with us now. Maybe she'll get to blogging, maybe she won't. But I am delighted she has our little groups with to share those feelings. Hopefully she'll find out how sharing these emotions are really cathartic. There's nothing less I would want her to find out about this sharing process.

Lori: I instantly liked Lori. She's the one who brought us all together and I couldn't be more thankful. But what really struck me about Lori that I hadn't thought about much before was how much she still cared about the IF world. Yes, she was part of it big time. Since saying no more to treatments, she's successfully had two adoptions that the stories behind them couldn't be better. But she hasn't forgotten where she is from. She didn't just "take the kids and run" away from the infertility world. I've seen too many women who've had a taste of IF just forget it all once they get pregnant. There is a lot more to the "parenting after IF" world than just saying you went through infertility when asked about your ttc past.

I can't tell you how many girls I know who fit into this explanation. They will still say they know all about infertility and will be the first to raise their hand to tell their story, but they no longer support. They no longer talk about it in general - they only talk about it in regards to their own experiences. Not Lori. Lori is no longer in the trenches, but you wouldn't know by the way she is still in the war. She didn't go home with her purple hearts to talk about HER purple hearts when the subject arises. I felt she was no less dealing with IF than anyone at the table. And for that, I thank the world for her.

Duffy: She's a brand new blogger and I didn't know much about her story when I met up with her. I liked her right off the bat. She's going to go through IVF soon too (gosh, many of us are in the planning - Denise is going to go through another FET immediately, my IVF is March and both K and Duffy are doing an April IVF). I actually don't have anything specific to say about Duffy, which is weird for me right now, because I liked her a lot. She is someone I would love to have as a friend and I had a good time with her. I feel like I'm doing her a disservice right now for ~not~ having something specific to say! We hung out and walked around the mall, along with Meg, after our brunch and we had a great time. I thought she was funny and we has a good time. So that's what I really have to say about her - that she just immediately felt like an "IRL" friend. And that's a good thing.


I did want to mention my own "negative" feelings about the meeting. While I did love it and will meet anytime we all have another meet up, I was a little sad that I didn't "buddy up" with anyone. Everyone else seemed to just immediately connect with one another, but I felt like a hanger on. Meg and Duffy were going to go walk around and I asked to join. And while they were great, I could definitely see their connection with one another. While we were all together, we all would talk and laugh, but when I stepped away to shop, they stood next to one another, seeming like long lost friends deep in conversation. Don't get me wrong, I am tickled that so many people found each other, I just wish I had that some connection with someone.

Another thing that bothered me was I felt somewhat of a fake. While no one told me this nor even eluded to it, having two little kids without ART made me feel like I almost didn't belong there. I know it was unfounded, but it's how I felt. K has a son too, so I wasn't the only one dealing with secondary, but for some unknown reason, I didn't feel that K and I were in the same place. Maybe it's because she's gone through so much more than I have, I don't know. Plus, I have insurance and in just such a lucky place. It makes me feel so guilty about it all. My kids, my history, my ivf coverage.

It's like feel I don't have enough "cred". It's silly, I know. I've had 3 failed IUIs. I've has 1 failed mock IUI (medicated/monitored cycle, but with timed intercourse instead of IUI). I've had 3 HSGs, 4 HSSs, 4 surgeries (2 laps, 3 hysteroscopes), countless meds and ultrasounds. I'm only newly covered by insurance. I've gone through 34 cycles ttc completely out of pocket. But I haven't failed an IVF yet. I haven't paid out of pocket for an IVF cycle. I haven't had a known loss (although I'm almost convinced there has been at least one chemical pregnancy, just nothing that was confirmed). I'm on cycle 36, succeeding on C19 & C20, yet I didn't feel worthy of being a part of this group. Maybe it's why I felt that no one connected with me. Or vice versa - maybe no one connected with me because this is how I felt. And again, no one made me feel like this. This is how I made myself feel.

We're planning to continue to meet and I couldn't be more thrilled. I hope more ColoBloggers can meet next time and definitely hope to hear some good news from more than a few of the girls.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I just poas (yes, a pregnancy test)

What is wrong with me? A pregnancy test. Really. (it was negative, of course)

Um, hello Nancy?

1) you are on birth control pills. You never miss them.
2) you are on cd18 (again, while on bcp). Even if you were the 0.01% that gets pregnant on birth control pills, you'd be like 6dpo best case scenario. And by O-ing on cd17 on average, you'd be 1dpo.
3) you obviously don't have this getting pregnant thing down to being with - hence you moving to IVF.

See, my boob hurts. Not my boobs. My boob. My left one. Enough to go to the doctor (which, by the way, couldn't find out the problem, so I have a boob ultrasound coming up). And what did she ask me? "Is there a chance of pregnancy?". Uh, no.

Then, I puked my guts out Saturday evening. Felt terrible all night. Okay on Sunday and then again on Monday. I had to take the day off I was puking so badly. Laid around like a slug. And what did like 4 people ask me? "Are you pregnant?"

Everytime someone asks me that, I want to punch them. No, I'm not pregnant. And even if I were, these would ~not~ be my early pregnancy symptoms. But yet I poas.

At least I buy hpts in bulk, right?

Monday, February 18, 2008

"Anonymous" equals bad-mannered?

For the reasoning behind this post, please see comment #4 to the previous blog posting of mine.

I have come to the point where I want to simply disable anonymous comments to my blog. I won't, due to the fact there are many friends who respond to me using the anonymous feature, although they always leave their name. I find that the people who actually use the anonymous feature to remain anonymous are usually saying something they would never have the balls to say to someone using their own identity.

It's amazing to me how people use this functionality to allow themselves to be bad-mannered. Just because you aren't leaving your name doesn't mean you get a "pass" to say anything you want. These words you type anonymously are still words that came out of your being. Words that are tarnishing the type of human you are. But then again, if these words are coming out of you, what kind of a human being are you to begin with? Clicking "anonymous" just allowed you to say something you were already thinking. The anonymous function should be renamed to a checkbox called "I'm a chicken shit".

The previous anonymous name caller wasn't that bad, but it brought to mind how the availibility of "anonymous" are bringing out the worst in people.

I have to blog about the ColoBlogger girls!

I hope to get to it today and hope you come back to read it. These ladies were great and I have something to say about each and every one of them.

Although, for now, I wanted to say a few kinda random things ...

~ i really don't eat too much sugar. it just happened that i ordered the one thing that i dump sugar into. although i will fully admit that seeing me get my iced tea ready to drink is somewhat disturbing.
~ i now think there must be something to silver rings and will start noticing that along with my fascination with telling what type of person someone is by their choice of shoes.
~ i am a compulsive shopper and had to hide it until i was 'alone'. i spent just under $1,000 in the next hour after saying "i have to run back to get something. see you guys later."
~ i was going to get some new makeup (and probably would have spent another few hundred bucks) at MAC but their employees weren't right for me. You now how you don't want to go to an esthetician with a unibrow? Yeah. Pretty much the same concept as why I didn't buy anything from MAC.
~ i learned there were more than fabulous adoption stories out there. Although i think almost all successful adoption stories are wonderful, i never knew it could be that good!

more later.

p.s.: I updated the photo album which resides on my family webpage. The url is in my profile if you'd like to see it, but let me warn you - all 86 new pictures are 98% kid pics, so it may not interest you at all.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Can you hear me now?

It's the end of radio.

Friday, February 15, 2008

ColoBloggers meeting tomorrow!

In less than 12 hours from now, I get to meet some pretty cool ladies!

Lori of Weebles Wobblog is the putter-togetherer of the meeting and she's such an awesome blogger, I feel I already know her.
Denise of Freezer Buns will be there and I couldn't be more thrilled.
Meg, who is still On the Wrong Side of Statistics, is coming too. She's "only" been ttc for less than a year, but unfortunately the "conceive" part isn't what she's having issues with. It's tough.
And then there is Keiko and Heidi, who don't blog (or I don't know their blogs!).

Duffy of Spicy Sister and Jen of Mama Wannabe both have RSVPd a maybe. (and if you could stop by Jen's for a little love and support, she really needs it right now)

I'm sure we'll all update after our meeting! So excited!

How long is bedrest for IVF?

I know after ER, you have to rest because it's like any other minor surgery. And I know after ET, you are supposed to be in bedrest for awhile, but for how long?

I was only planning on a day after ER and a day after ET. Am I to expect longer resting periods? That's going to be hard, but if I need to, I'll do it. Heck, even after getting breast augmentation - I was up and doing normal stuff the very next day.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

"The Obligatory Med Picture"

I think it's a rule that anyone going through IVF must take pictures of their med shipment. I wouldn't want to disappoint, so here is mine:

That's 76 needles if anyone is counting. (not including the 28 inside the Follistim boxes). An entire 3 week supply. Oh boy.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

"What is a bad word?" (children mentioned)

This is a post that I can't help but put on both my blogs. I probably should be more horrified than anything about it, but what the hell.

We were eating dinner and I used the word "dumb". Ella told me that it was a bad word. So we get into the bad word conversation about saying a word vs calling someone a name, etc.

This was the well needed END of the conversation:

Me: "Ella, what is a bad word?" (looking for her child-like definition)
Ella: "Fuck."
Me: "Well, that certainly is an example of a bad word, but not what I was going for"

oh. my. god.

Please don't hate me.

I suddenly have unbelievable insurance. And I know how it's ~so unfair~ that everyone can't get great coverage. It's really unfair.

My quoted $4,049.78 med cost before insurance is now $213.49

A break down for my notes:
Famotidine (pepcid) - $1.80
Metoclopramide (reglan) - $0.30
(3) Follistim 600 - $40
(1) Follistim 300 - $40
Methylpredmisolone (medrol) - $4.77
Hydrocodone (vicodin) - $2.91
Doxycycline - $6.35
Hcg - $10
Lupron - $10
Tetracycline - $1.20
Transderm scope - $8.11
Estradiol - $8.05
Menopur - $40
Endometrin - $40
for the grand total of $213.49

Hey IVF girls...

(please forgive my insane amount of posts. I am in a tad of a lull at work while I wait for some things to happen.)

I was reading over my protocol and can't believe the number of labs and u/s I have to get. Virtually everyday! The week before possible egg retrieval ~is~ everyday. In a 12 day period, I have 9 scheduled lab draws and ultrasounds.

Again, I am in the very lucky position to live next door (3 minutes away) from my clinic. I have early morning appointments, usually around 715-730a, so it won't disrupt my day at all. I’ll have to get up early, yeah, but I’ll still be able to get to work on time.

The only thing I see in my way as of work is bed rest after retrieval and transfer. Just a few requested vacation days can take care of that. Plus, I can even work from home – just have my laptop on the bed next to me and voila! Work.

How do those of you who live far away from your clinic do it? How far are you from your clinic? If you are far, like hours away, do you just take a week off and stay in a hotel near your clinic? Are there local clinics/offices that can take blood and ultrasounds and send the results to your RE everyday? How does this work if you aren’t in close range of your clinic?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

6 ~more~ things about me.

Since super cool miss chicklet tagged me again, I'm going to give 6 more mundane things about myself. But I'm going to cheat and I'm not going to retag people.

Anyway, here are the rules (if I was following them):
1) Link to the person who tagged you
2) Post the rules
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself
4) Tag at least three people

1. I hate closing the door to pee. But I don't like to pee in front of people either. I'm not one who will just keep the door open and talk to anyone in the room, but if no one is around, I will not close the door. Even in public stalls. If there are 5 stalls and I'm the only one in there, I won't close my door. I'm bound to get "caught".

2. I am freaked out by elevator buttons. I'm a semi germ phobe, but only with certain things like that. I will never touch one with my fingers - I'll use my elbow, knee, pen, cell phone. I'll even let my kids press it, but I won't.

3. I have a smell/thought induced gag reflex. I can lurch with any smell (like the bum juice of boston) or watching Bear Grylls eat a pus filled bug. And although just thinking about something like this can get me to physically gag, I can't make myself gag using physical efforts (fingers or, well, ah-hem - you know).

4. I'm a guinness drinker and I feel "holier than thou" because of it. I actually will look down upon a non guinness drinker when I order guinness and they order a "clear" beer. Not that I think I'm a better person, I just think I'm a cooler beer drinker. The funniest part of it all is I only started drinking guinness because my boyfriend at the time would only pay for my beers if I drank guinness (I guess he was the same way). I used to have to hold my breath to drink the stuff.

5. I think clipping your fingernails should be done in the privacy of your house/bathroom and will tell anyone who is clipping in public to knock it the hell off. I've walked into the cube of a complete stranger at work and asked them to stop. Heck, I told a receptionist at my massage therapist's office that her clipping was "a bathroom noise" just yesterday.

6. I loathe brushing my teeth. I still brush them at least twice a day and I floss a few times a week, but I have to make myself do it. I don't know why this is either. I like clean teeth. I don't like bad breath. I like the way my mouth feels after I do it, but it feels like such a chore to me. If there was a gum I could chew in place of brushing, I'd do it.

Well, that's that. The buck stops here in this part of the pay it forward in tags, but since I think I'm the last person on earth to "fill this out", I think everyone already got tagged already!

~Mood Swings~ - A POLL!!!

For the most part, the drugs I've been on to treat my infertility have not given me mood swings. I may have had a swing here or there, but nothing to actually indicate an actual real side effect of "mood swings" every time I take something.

Mind you, I haven't taken some of the biggies yet (give me a month), but I have taken:
~ Clomid (up to 150mg)
~ Femara
~ Progesterone
~ Hcg
~ Estrogen

I have not taken FSH (follistim, gonal-f, etc), hMGs (Repronex) or GnRHs (lupron) yet, all of which, with the exclusion of GnRHs, cite "mood swings" as a side effect. Something to note - progesterone does ~not~ have "mood swings" as a side effect!

So, I want to know - what gives YOU side effects? And are you a moody type girl to begin with? Since I don't get the moodies with the ones I've taken so far, I want to see the statistics of the biggies. I know I'm not doing it in the most scientific way, as someone may say "yes" to Follistim who never took clomid, but I'll get an idea.

Please answer my two polls - WAY at the bottom on the right side. Thank you!


Is the cost of meds w/out insurance. I'll find out what my cost is on Thursday.


No PIO shots!

Another cool thing - this IVF cycle starts a new protocol for my clinic. Instead of PIO shots, they are moving to an oral/vaginal suppository combination. How freaking ~cool~ is that? No giant PIO shots to endure.

-- from comment: it's their new protocol this month. They are not giving out the shots, so all I can do is try this.

Monday, February 11, 2008

do ~not~ pinch me. (updated w/ a pinch)

Please no pinching. I can't wake up from my insurance/finance fantasy dream.

First off, I actually have freaking IVF insurance with no lifetime maximum and a $2500 max out of pocket. Secondly, there isn't a long drawn out pre-auth, so I already have approval. Thirdly, clinic just told me I "most likely" qualify for a lining study during my IVF, which means I have to have additional ultrasounds early on and they'll PAY me $1,000.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Seriously. Where's the catch?

Thanks universe. Really. Thanks. You could of waited a couple of hours before unplugging my dream. To tell me my husband will be out of town (no chance of rescheduling. It's a work thing that is already scheduled. If he doesn't go, he won't have a job) on the 2 days right after 'tentative' egg retrieval and if I take 2 days longer than expected, I'll have ~zero~ sperm for inseminating any eggs I may end up getting - that's rich. Real rich.

IVF "briefing".

My wonderful nurse just called me to brief me on the IVF packet she just completed for me.

Lupron starts 3/05. Stims start 3/17. Tentative date for egg retrieval is 3/28.

Holy crap. It's starting. I'm ~so~ excited. Wow. 23 days til Lupron. yay!

so sick. & the story of the killer squirrel.

Omg. My head is going to explode. My ears are "full". I'm coughing like there is no tomorrow. (if there really was no tomorrow, why would I want to spend my last day coughing?) I'm clammy. Ugh. Want. To. Die.

I need/want to check up on all of you. But I can't seem to stay in an upright position.


After talking about the plague with Sarah, I wanted to tell you all the story of The Not So Friendly Squirrel (or The Really Stupid Girl Named Nancy Who Thought Squirrels are for Petting.).

I was living in Arizona at the time and a friend from Baltimore came out to visit. He's never seen the desert, so I took him to the Grand Canyon. When we got there, we did the normal oohing and aahing then headed down the trail. No, we weren't going to hike the grand canyon, but we did take a nice hike down about 1/2 mile.

There were lots of squirrels on the path, as lots of visitors bring lots of snacks. This one particular squirrel looked so damned tame and fluffy that I had the "petting" urge. Don't ask why. I know squirrels aren't the petting type. But here I am, sticking my hand out to pet the damned thing.

It looked all cute and charming as I approached. It's big black eyes looking at me all sadlike, his tail all fluffy, his hands in front of him as he stood on his hind legs.

And then he turned into this maniacal looking rodent who bared his teeth and bit the shit out of my hand.

I tried to act all cool. My friend was like "what the fuck did you do that for?? Did he bite you?" And I said "No, I just got too close. He didn't bite me."

We walk back up with me keeping my hand behind my back is it was literally pouring blood. The bit was deep and on the fingertip - right where it bleeds ~a lot~. We get out of the path area and I see a sign "Don't feed the squirrels. They have been known to carry the plague".


Holy shit. The plague. That's an awfully scary word to think of when you think of an illness YOU may have been infected with. My mind goes back to the stories of the Black Death of Europe in the 1300s. Where I've seen images of people decomposing while still alive, oozing black pus. Ugh. (Although I was wrong in which kind of plague I was freaking out about - for I could have contracted the bubonic plague, the classic sign being the appearance of buboes in the groin, the neck and armpits, which oozed pus and bled - which isn't much more appealing).

I go into a panic. I start thinking I need to get the plague out of my body immediately. I think of how they suck out the poision from snake bites and go with that, knowing damn well it's been too long for any such thing to work. But I suck on that bite. I suck and spit mouthful after mouthful of blood. Mind you, all the while pretending nothing was wrong. My friend didn't notice at all, as he was ahead of me walking around.

Seriously, for weeks I waited for the sign of the plague to fall upon me. Thankfully, it never did hit me. Unless it waited, hiding inside me, only to strike now - 12 years later.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Crap. There goes my protocol knowledge.

Since my beta was a mere 4.1 last week, they wanted me to come in again two days later for a recheck. But since my lovely AF came right along on time, I obviously didn't need to go today.

I forgot there was a second reason for today - I was going to get my IVF schedule. Crap.

It's not like I ~need~ to know anything right now. I don't start stims until March 17th-ish. But since I was planning to be out of town on the 17th, I was going to wait to see how she worked with my schedule before I bought the plane tickets. I wanted to do that this weekend. And now I can't.

Plus, having a known schedule would have just been cool.

Friday, February 8, 2008

I'm back.

I'm back from Boston with a case of extreme exhaustion and a to do list of about 1,500 things. I'll be back to posting soon!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

The sights and smells of Boston.

I guess I wouldn't fully feel like I was in the big city of Boston without smelling it too.

The bum in Subway soiled himself. In the worst way. The manager tried to throw him out telling him he needed to bathe. The bum argued on how did HE know he hadn't bathed. All the while I'm standing in between them literally gagging. Oh good lord - the gag reflex was in full force. I must've gagged 6 times.

A little bit of smelling trivia. The reason why you have the ability to smell if because tiny particles of what you are smelling are landing in your nose and mouth. So my work buddy trying to tell me to "breathe through your mouth!" over and over was simply making it worse.

The bum ended up standing up, wiped some brown sludge off his chair with a napkin, and took off outside. And I gagged again.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

How long do cease and desist orders last?

If two high ranking members of opposing forces agreed upon a cease and desist order, is it set for only a certain amount of time? Does it just expire without any common knowledge between the two partners? Or is a cease and desist order so flimsy that as soon as one party breaks their promise, things just immediately roll back to the way there were?

Per the amazing wikipedia resource:

  • Cease and desist (also called C & D) is a legal term used primarily in the United States which essentially means "to halt" or "to end" an action ("cease") and to refrain from doing it again in the future ("desist"). The recipient of the cease-and-desist may be an individual or an organization.
  • These orders usually specify a period of time for the recipient of the order to request a hearing. If a hearing is not requested by the recipient in the given time, the cease-and-desist order becomes final and the agency has the ability to enforce its order in a court of law.

Hrm, so things like that become final.

Something that caught my attention was the word “stalk”: Some types of behaviors that may prompt such cease and desist actions include:

Stalking or other forms of harassment:

Stalking is a continuous process, consisting of a series of actions, each of which may be entirely legal in itself. Lambèr Royakkers writes that: "Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwontedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom he has no relationship (or no longer has), with motives that are directly or indirectly traceable to the affective sphere. Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect)."

CyberAngels has written about how to identify cyberstalking: When identifying cyberstalking "in the field," and particularly when considering whether to report it to any kind of legal authority, the following features or combination of features can be considered to characterize a true stalking situation: malice, premeditation, repetition, distress, obsession, vendetta, no legitimate purpose, personally directed, disregarded warnings to stop, harassment, and threats.

A number of key factors have been identified:

  • False accusations. Many cyberstalkers try to damage the reputation of their victim and turn other people against them. They post false information about them on websites. They may set up their own websites, blogs or user pages for this purpose. They post allegations about the victim to newsgroups, chat rooms or other sites that allow public contributions, such as Wikipedia or
  • Attempts to gather information about the victim. Cyberstalkers may approach their victim's friends, family and work colleagues to obtain personal information. They may advertise for information on the Internet, or hire a private detective. They often will monitor the victim's online activities and attempt to trace their IP address in an effort to gather more information about their victims.
  • Encouraging others to harass the victim. Many cyberstalkers try to involve third parties in the harassment. They may claim the victim has harmed the stalker or his family in some way, or may post the victim's name and telephone number in order to encourage others to join the pursuit.
  • False victimization. The cyberstalker will claim that the victim is harassing him. Bocij writes that this phenomenon has been noted in a number of well-known cases.
    Attacks on data and equipment. They may try to damage the victim's computer by sending viruses.
  • Ordering goods and services. They order items or subscribe to magazines in the victim's name. These often involve subscriptions to pornography or ordering sex toys then having them delivered to the victim's workplace.

Holy Crud. Some interesting thoughts for the day. I never realized how bad it actually was.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

hello from boston!

Hi there! I'm in Boson this week working. What a freaking cool city this is - even if it's all rainy and crappy outside.

Wow - what responses to my last post. Thanks everyone! And I was bowled over by the haters. Not that they are out there, nor that I even have some, but they were particularly nasty this time. Too bad they won't get the "press" they want so badly. I only get as far as the first sentance to see what horrid people they are before I hit "delete". I can't imagine living my life with so much anger inside. When I get mad at something, at least it's something that is happening to ~me~. I couldn't imagine having to go out and find something to be mad about. To actually go find blogs that don't even pertain to me - just to piss myself off. Shrug. To each their own I guess. I won't pretend to understand and I really don't care to try to.

Thank goodness for blogging. I can spill my guts, good or bad. People can respond or they can ignore. (or of course, write something extraodinarily ugly and petty). I can discuss the successes. I can discuss my failures. And I don't have to pay an ounce of attention to the childish and seemingly jealous.

but I really wish blogger would fix it's spellcheck.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

irony. and bad manners.


So I have a rant that I just can't take any more BFP announcements from anyone who hasn't been trying for more than a year. And do you know how someone responded to me? She told me about her BFP.


That's so funny. And she's got NO IDEA what a rude person she just made herself out to be. She's all excited. heh. (she's super young though, what else could I expect out of her?)


OMG! The webmd "moderator" took it down. Not hers - but mine. She told we should all be positive and support one another. But we (the ones who fail) aren't allowed to cry about how things are hard for us.

I'll bet you a thousand dollars. The webmd moderator " Dorothea" NEVER dealt with infertility. She would never EVER put up a response like the one she did if she understood how we felt. Wow. Looks like I won't be going back there. Freedom of speech is a biggie for me and Webmd is taking that away. I broke NO rule in my post. I did not speak ill of any other member. I spoke of my feelings about other bfps in general. (there were NO bfp announcements, except from that chick who felt it necessary to pick that moment to announce her bfp in response to my cries.).

Wow. I guess if you are on WebMD, you must just keep a smile on your face so none of the preggos who are "lurking" lose their warm and fuzzy feelings.

Hey WebMD, ever hear of the constitution? At least hold up your end of the bargain and let posts stay up that do NOT break your OWN predetermined rules. In 4 years of being on Webmd, I've seen a lot of "big brother" removing of posts. But never anything so blatently disgusting like "Dorothea" just did. She removed a post that followed every single rule they set forth.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

cd1, c17.

AF is right on time.

I'm not happy I have a "plan". It's not giving me something to focus on because it's still very far away. It's not making not dwell on the failure. In fact, it's making me think ~more~ about my failures. Thank you for all your very nice comments, but everyone just seems so much more positive about this that I feel about it.

I am happy IVF is an option. Yes, I know how lucky I am. I'm not afraid of IVF in any way. I don't view it as some big scary thing. When I say how shocked I am that I'm moving to IVF - it's just because I never thought it would be an option for us financially. IVF is just another treatment cycle, that's all. Definitely more involved, but still trying for the same thing.

I'm very disillusioned.

How come just about every one else's IUI worked this cycle? I swear, about 85% of the IUIs worked! How come not for me? How come not for a few others who worked so hard for this? How come the shitty statistics of IUI ~worked~ for everyone else??? How come cycle 16 isn't deemed worthy enough when other people's cycle 6 or 9 or 11 is? How come everyone else gets their BFP in their FIRST few treatment cycles? How come??? What the hell is the criteria for success? Who makes it up? Why am I not good enough? Why does everyone else get the good news?

Friday, February 1, 2008

Beta = 4.1

Negative. The 4.1 is "most likely" from trigger, so they wanted me to come in for beta#2 in a few days - but I'll be out of town. I have another beta next saturday (don't know why they'd want a second one since my AF would have already started).

We discussed March IVF. If I wasn't going out of town, I could have possibly started THIS MONTH, but with insurance and all that, it'd be a little iffy. So we're going to start suppression with bcp as soon as AF arrives and March 17th will mark when things start to happen. She'll give me a detailed protocol/calendar at my appointment next Saturday.

IVF#1 starts March 17th.

The clinic does their cycles in batches, so next cycle is March 17th. I may be able to sneak in a natural cycle, but the idea of cysts or a long cycle would knock me out of the IVF batch, so that is scary. I'm just going to await cd1 and give the nurse a call. I think they start suppression March 17th, so maybe getting in a cycle wouldn't be too bad. We'll just have to wait and see.

Oh yeah, blood already given. I'll update you with my negative beta later :)

(and the "upbeat" attitude it seems like I have? Yeah - it's fake. My heart is broken. In pieces.)