100th post (updated 11/05)

I just checked up on Artblog to make sure all is going well (and it is! although she has an impt scan coming up that we are all wishing her well on) and she made a link to an old post about what tarot card you are. So of course, I took it. The result was such a happy and hopeful one, I decided it would be perfect for post #100 of the new blog.

You Are The Star

You represent the ultimate in truth and purity. Insightful and illuminating, you provide guidance for others. You also demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love. You posses many spiritual gifts, including the ability to heal. Your fortune: Your future is looking brighter by the day. The near future will be a time of both hope and healing. Luck is about to come your way, perhaps the best luck you have ever seen. Life is about to get a lot easier and much better!

What Tarot Card Are You?

I later took another card based on my roller derby name "MurderRita"

You Are The Wheel of Fortune

You represent the cycles of life, death, and rebirth.You embrace change, the the ups and downs of life.Fate is something you accept, even when you could possibly change things.Big things tend to happen to you more than other people. Your fortune: Something huge is about to happen in your life, and you have little control over it.You must accept your destiny, but luckily it is good fortune that has come your way.Big things and big changes are about to come your way.And while things will be intense for a while, they will be followed by a period of rest.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Whew. Halloween is a lot of work.

(children mentioned)

I'm tired. Why? Because I was up until 1am this morning getting things ready for the kids' parties today. And they are 2 & 3. Such productions already! After derby practice last night, I came home and got the kids to bed. Then it was off to the store for party items.

Allison's teacher requested me to get all materials ready for the kids to make "worms in dirt". This meant 3 large batches of chocolate pudding, an entire package of oreos which I crushed up for the dirt and 3 containers of gummy worms.

Ella's teacher requested me to put together "feel" boxes for the kids. I decided to go with body parts and put together six pretty cool things. Dehydrated apple slices will be the mummy ears. Peeled grapes: eyeballs. The leftover grape skin: scabs. Overcooked spaghetti: brains. Cut and shaped lightly oiled banana peels: tongues. Cooked mixed with uncooked rice and gummy worms: worms and maggots. These were all labeled and put into boxes for the kids to feel. I gotta admit, when you can't see them and it's labeled as such, they all feel pretty damned gross.

The kids get to wear their costumes today, but last night I decided they were too warm to wear them indoors. See, we live in Colorado and it's going to be around 33 degrees tonight. It's always cold on Halloween night without fail. Yesterday was warm enough to wear short sleeved shirt and today is cold. This means no cutesy little costumes for the kids. I always buy the warm costumes - my favorite being the ones that are winter outfits in themselves. Old Navy has the best selection of warm costumes like this. The fleece is so soft and keeps the kids super warm. Ella picked a kangaroo and Allison picked a pink french poodle. Well, obviously these are outdoor costumes so I needed to get indoor costumes last minute. A midnight run to Walgreens proved to be a good bet. I picked up a snow white dress for Ella and a "ribbon" witch for Allison. $9 costumes. What could be better?

This morning I get the kids breakfast and then let them in on the new costumes. Score. Ella ~loved~ hers. The only problem was it was too long, but a few stitches later, I had it sewn up from the inside so the dress even puffed out a little. Ella quickly picked her sparkly Cinderella shoes to go with it and she was set. Allison's costumed was so super cute. I like it even more than the costume she has to wear for tonight! It's a little witch dress with pink ribbons sewn on all the ends of material. A black witch hat with the same ribbons, black boots and a little broom completed it.

I packed up the body parts, the worms in dirt ingredients, my little snow white and my little witch and got them all to school. And here I sit at work, knowing my day has just begun. I have pumpkins to carve after work. I have dinner to make and server. I have trick-or-treating to do. I have a candy war between myself and a 2 & 3 year old afterwards.

So I say "whew". Halloween is a lot of work.

Anon - It's not a deductible.

You mentioned you thought $2,500 'deductible' seemed high but that is totally ~not~ what I'm talking about. It's not a deductible, it's the max out of pocket amount.

The copay is only $15/appointment. The deductible is only $250. The ~max out of pocket~ is $2,500.

See, "copays" is just your portion you pay at an office visit. It doesn't go towards max out of pocket. It's just your portion per office visit. This is what you were talking about in your comment.

A "deductible" is the amount you have to pay first, before any other coverage kicks in. IE: Let's say you go to the doctor and the visit costs $200. Since my deductible is $250, I would still have to pay that $200. Then, for the next $200 appointment, I would only have to pay $50, which then my deductible of $250 would be met and the rest of the balance would be paid.

For "Max out of pocket", this is an amount that the insurance says it the max you will EVER have to pay for within a year. It doesn't include copays though. So, let's say I had a $12,500 procedure done, say, IVF#1. The plan covers 80% ~after~ deductible.
~ $12,500 total cost.
~ minus $250 deductible which I would have to pay.
~ This would leave $12,250.
~ My insurance would cover 80%, which is $9800, leaving me with a balance of $2,450.
~ But my "max out of pocket" is $2,500. So I since I already paid $250 towards the deductible, I would only have to pay $2250, because that would add up to $2,500.
~ After that, my insurance would pay 100% - so after all is said and done, I would only pay $2,500 and my insurance would pick up the remaining $10,000.
~ For any FUTURE bills, I already paid my max out of pocket. So everything would be then covered at 100%. I could have another $12,500 IVF#2, but I wouldn't pay anything, as I already paid $2,500.

Get it? - it's not a $2,500 deductible I would pay each time. This insurance is a GOOD thing. What you were thinking would be robbery!!! Ack!!

Infertility coverage windfall.

I'm in complete and utter shock right now.

I've never had IF coverage and to be honest, I have been jealous as hell of anyone who did have it. Even a little overly jealous as I felt that the people with coverage weren't as vested in their treatments because they didn't have to pay out the ass for it. (I know, I know. It's horrible for me to think that and completely untrue to begin with)

Well, it looks as if ~I~ am going to be one of "those" people with coverage.

It's open enrollment time for both my husband and myself. I've always carried myself and the kids while he carried himself. This was because his coverage wasn't that great, but it was very cheap - which goes hand in hand, right? Anywho, he rarely goes to the doctor, so his insurance always worked fine for him. Pay nothing for nothing.

My insurance is pretty good in all the normal categories but it's pricey. IF isn't covered, but most other things always were, so not much to complain about.

Well, although he has the same job, his old company sold off part of the company to a new company. So it's a new job sort of. I just took a look at his insurance. It's quite possible the best insurance plan I've ever seen. Sure, it only covers 80% of most things, but the family out of pocket maximum is $2,500. After that is paid, everything is covered at 100%.

And the best part?

IF is covered. IUIs are covered. Up to (6) IVFs are covered. Injectibles and all drugs are covered. Holy mother of all that is good. It's covered.

Office visits are covered 100%. All else is covered 80% until that $2,500 maximum and then 100% is covered.

Oh. My. God.

I just called their benefits manager at corporate office to get the low down. I wanted to find out what the catch was. There is no catch. She said that it's also one of the best insurance plans she's seen in all her years working. Everything is covered. IF. Chiropractic. Allergy. I don't even use those last things, but it's covered. At 80% until $2,500 max and then it's 100%.

Wait. That's not the best part. The best part is the premium.

Are you ready for this?

$92 per paycheck. For an entire FAMILY. (I pay something like $300/paycheck for just me and kids).

What the hell? How is it that ~I~ am getting good news in relation to infertility? And for family expenses alone?

I'm shocked. I can't believe this.

Holiday Socks.

I like socks. Ah. The feeling of a new pair of thick socks is pure joy. I won't even wash those socks that come in a big bulk plastic package first. This is something to say because I always wash everything before I wear it. I even wash things I have packed away myself, like my winter wardrobe that I washed before packing. Even if they were packed away neatly inside an airtight container and stored in the closet. They must be washed again before I wear it. But not socks. There is something about new fluffy socks. Something that would be lost if washed first.

I've mentioned that wearing socks is one of the definite bonuses of me being on roller derby. The little outfits are fucking awesome, but it's the socks that does it for me. All over the knee. Many are striped. Some are solid. Some are wool, some are cotton. Some are thin, must most are of a thicker cotton. Some are fishnet (okay, so those aren't socks really). Some are argyle. Some have skulls on them. I just got a new sock shipment today. Red and white thick striped. Red and pink striped (sounds weird, but so cute). Baby blue and black striped with 3 silver stars up the outer side. Red and white with winking skulls. Black with white stars.

Ahhh. Socks.

I hate holiday socks though. And while I may roll my eyes at any of these when other people wear them, I don't think other people are stupid for liking it themselves. The eyerolling if definitely because I don't get it and I wouldn't want it for myself.

Christmas socks with little christmas trees, wreathes or mistletoe. Halloween socks with ghosts. Groundhog day socks. Valentine day socks with hearts. Hate them. Hate them all.

They are usually that really thin material - like dress socks. Or so fucking thick that you wouldn't even be able to wear your normal show size (if, for some ungodly known reason, you'd want to wear them outside). None of them I have ever owned (ie: given to me as a gift and I proceed with the obligatory wearing upon opening them) gave me that warm fuzzy soft new soft feeling. They always feel itchy to me. Or too thick. Or too loose.

I don't know. I don't see the difference in the kind of socks I do like - the kind with little skulls and crossbones on it - to the kind representing a holiday. I know it's not because of one is "cutesy" and one "punkish". I have plenty of cutesy socks, but they are not holiday themed. I honestly don't know why the holiday motif turns me off in socks. I like holidays. I even decorate my house for the major ones. But those socks. Ugh.

Don't even get me started on embroidered holiday sweaters.

I have surgery in 4 days.

Wow. That kinda snuck up on me.

GO RED SOX!!!

okay, the last win was for the old red sox nation. The ones waiting and waiting for most of their lives. THIS one was for us. Just their plain ole fans.

Right on Red Sox. Thanks again.

Misery loves company.

I know when I'm feeling ttc downtrodden, I seem to get some kind of support to read about other's who are in the same position. Well, maybe not same, but let's just say not a great position. Yeah, I run across the good news posts and if I "know" them, I still try to post a congrats or whatnot, but I will admit if they are new to me, I'll just quickly click away. Maybe another day.

I've noticed that every now and again, there are some really shitty comments posted around the block. To me, to others - just those random non-moderated comments. You can tell they aren't really from someone who has a personal issue with the person, just a shitty comment that by no means had to be given.

Do you think it's because of the "misery loves company" phenomenon? That there are a lot of readers who ~are~ in a bad spot, looking for misery to share in, which pretty much means they are in a bad mood to begin with? So when they see something that sparks their mean-bone, they just say it aloud because of said bad mood? Do you think these things would be said on a normal day?

It definitely makes me wonder. What about you? What do you think?

I can't stop puking.

Isn't that a nice title?

I'm sick. My kids are sick. My husband is sick. Whatever bug is flying around right now, it sure took hold in this family.

I tossed my cookies a few times yesterday. Then I had to go to the mall to buy some school girls skirts, ruffled panties, thigh high socks & fishnets (have I mentioned I ~love~ the derby outfits?). Then I went and sat for 2 1/2 hours getting my tattoo worked on (half sleeve). Then went shopping for food/paper products. Then I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything since I puked it all up, and I was famished. So I stop at "burrito king" which is very authentic mexican. Little hole in the wall, no one spoke english and I was the only white girl. Being from phoenix, I'm used to it to get this kind of yummy food so I brought home a beautiful bean/cheese burrito made on homemade tortilla. Mmmmm. I pounded it. 2 minutes later my hubsand looks at me and says "Nance, do you really think that was a good idea?". Hrm. 5 minutes after that I was huddled around the toilet, both hands grasping for dear life as my stomach decided the burrito was a no-go. Damn.

Today I am hungry, but I dare not eat what I crave. I munched on a plain bagel and so far so good. None of that tell-tale mouth watering to let me know the inevitable is about to happen. Plus, I'm in the office today. I ~hate~ puking in public bathrooms. I don't even like having my ass have to get close to those bowls, much less my face. ~shudder~

TTC news? Yeah, there is none. I keep taking my little birth control pill everyday like a good girl. Makes me laugh that they think we need to control the possibility of birth. Like I get pregnant SO easily that I have to take a medication to make sure it doesn't happen. bah.

Anywho - surgery is in a week from today. I don't really think it's called "surgery" so much as a hysteroscopy. They are knocking me out and they will cut out pieces from inside my uterus, but they aren't cutting ~through~ me to get there, so does that even count?

Doc google just informed me getting actual "work" done in there is called "operative hysteroscopy", so maybe it does count.

psst ... go red sox!

I married into the red sox nation, so I've been cheering for them for about 10 years. But I ~do~ live in Colorado, so I'm happy the Rockies made it in. I'm absolutely flabberghasted they made it in, but yet still happy about it.

This will be the best world series yet. I do want to see the sox win, but I won't be upset to watch the colorado celebration if it goes the opposite way.

Finally. I'm in a win-win situation. sweet.

Statistics of Late Implantation.

I saw this study in The New England Journal of Medicine ...

They studied hundreds of healthy women who were trying to conceive. In the most successful cases - implantation occurred 8-10 days after ovulation. Most interesting, they found that the later the egg implanted itself, the greater the chance the pregnancy would fail. In fact, there was a STRONG link between late implantation and early failures of the pregnancy.

"Among the women studied, 82 percent had early failures when implantation occurred more than 11 days after ovulation. That was a failure rate significantly higher than when eggs attached on the 11th day (52 percent), and more than three times as great as when they implanted on the 10th day (26 percent). The rate of early pregnancy loss through the 9th day after ovulation was 13 percent. "

Isn't that NUTS?

Let me break that down:
* 82% of pregnancies miscarried when the egg implanted after 11dpo.
* 52% of pregnancies miscarried when the egg implanted at 11dpo.
* 26% of pregnancies miscarried when the egg implanted at 10dpo.
* 13% of pregnancies miscarried when the egg implanted at 9dpo.

I wish they gave the stats for 7 & 8dpo though. Wow... It just shows how crazy high the miscarriage rate really is. And also how the earlier you get a BFP, the better the statistics are.

My pomegranate bracelet.

It's gone. I just suddenly realized it's not on my wrist. omg. Panic. Where did it go?

I remember playing with it during derby practice. Twiddling the end around each other blindingly. I remember because I thought that I was so sweaty - just literally dripping sweat off my head and arms and chest - I was thinking it was good the bracelet was on me at all times. It was being savaged by blood, sweat and tears too.

And that's the last time I cognitively thought about it.

Ugh. I need to find it. Hopefully it's just at home - tucked in my bed or something. I've only had if for a little over a month now - I can't of lost it.

I know it's "just a string" but it's WAY more than "just a string" all at the same time. I need it back. Not a new one. I need that one back.

Peter Pan. The Tortoise.

Did I mention I bought a tortoise for the kids? I thought a tortoise would be a good pet. It'll take daily work to take care of, but that's about it. No noise. No outrageous smells. No craziness. Just a calm, boring ole tortoise.

But our tortoise is insane. First of all, he digs his house. I have a very large house for him and he loves it. He makes paths through the substrate from where he likes to sleep to his pool to his food. He'll walk those paths a thousand times a day. He jumps (yes, he jumps) into his pool and splashes around. He devours the fresh fruits/veggies we cut for him daily. We take him out daily so he can really move around the house or backyard and that tortoise is freaking fast. No wonder he beat the hare in the fable.

We knew tortoises did so much? He's awesome. I'll have to post a picture of him soon.

And his name really ~is~ Peter Pan. This is what you get when you ask your children to name a pet. I should have expected it because I have a friend who's kids named their cats "Elmo" and "Big Bird". I always thought that was hilarious but never stopped to think that it would soon happen to me too.

Anywho, before it was "Peter Pan" - the other suggestions were "Tinkerbell" and "Earl". Isn't the last one kind of strange? That was from my 3 year old. Peter Pan, Tinkerbell or Earl. heh. But they settled on "Peter Pan". This tortoise is less than a year old and his life expectancy is 50. I'm going to be 84 years old with a tortoise named Peter Pan.

next trivia city

Will need to be on Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

I hear Shaw Communications is a big business there. I need to look into it. :)

3 trivia items from 3 cities.

Macon, Georgia - The kazoo was invented here during the 1840s.

Warren, MI - The largest suburb of Detroit, Warren is home to the headquarters of Big Boy Restaurants.

Hollywood, FL - Something quite coincidental! Hollywood FL's population is currently one of the oldest among large cities in the U.S. (cities w/ 100,000+ population) with 17.3% of it's population being 65 or older. It's tied for fifth in the nation with Warren, MI, which is also in my top 3 cities of the day.

Anyone part of a message board?

If anyone as ever been a part of a message board, you know that "drama" will arise at one time or another. It's inevitable. It's open to the public so there are people of different maturity levels, intelligence levels, backgrounds, ideals, opinions, etc.

When drama does happen, I like to see everyone's point of view. I think everyone who has an opinion on the subject has a right to discuss how they feel. If you don't want to be a part of it, fine, don't be a part of it. But if you have feelings, then you should go ahead and describe how you feel.

But what I see happen way too often is this ...

~ the "friends" of the person involved mistakenly thinks their friend is being attacked and rally their support. In reality, their friend may have simply been disagreed with. Then a big division of people happen and it gets out of control. The simple disagreement of opinion has now turned into "if you disagreed, then that means you are against our friend in every possible way!". It's utterly ridiculous. It gets blown out of proportion so easily and no one can take a step back.
example: Someone is really hoping she lands a job that would be really great for her. The company said the candidate who gets the job will be offered within the week, but her interview was 3 weeks ago. Everyday the girl holds out hope the company will call her and tells everyone around her. After awhile, it sucks to see this poor girl hold out hope, so a group of girls try to sit her down and tell her that while it's possible it ~could~ happen, it's probably not going to. It sucks to break her heart, but it's hard to watch that false hope keep expanding day after day. Well - the girl does get her heart broke from the reality check. And the girl's "friends" are pissed that anyone took that hope away! And now her friends are pissed at the girls who told her the truth. Instead of just comforting their friend with "I'm so sorry you didn't get the job", they say things like "I'm sorry those other girls didn't want you to get that job! They suck! We're good and they are bad!". See how it was blown out of proportion? No one didn't want her to get the job, but some did want to let her know that the job was most likely already given to someone else, just to ease the poor girl's suffering.

~ Someone who doesn't have an opinion either way is getting annoyed at the fact it's even being talked about in the first place. But just because they aren't interested in it, doesn't mean other people shouldn't be interested. It's not going to last forever, so just ignore it.
example: GirlX has nothing to do with a discussion and posts something like this: "I wish everyone would just stop talking about subjectX. We're all tired of it and you all need to get over it!". Okay - GirlX just invalidated every single person's feelings who was involved. Maybe it's not important to GirlX, but it could be important to others. What do you do when a news program is running a story about a subject you think is stupid? Do you write in to the news station and tell everyone that they are stupid for being involved? No. You change the channel or turn off the tv.

~ Someone who was part of some drama is now tired of it and tells everyone else it needs to be over. The BEST part is when that person talks shit about it and/or sums up their feelings and THEN says "enough already!". It's hilarious. Look - you are the one who just brought it up again! So do you want to talk about it still or do you want to stop? If you want to stop - then do just that - don't bring it up. I really think this one is the ~hardest~ one for some people to understand.
example: GirlY, who was part of the original drama says something like "If people want to continue to think this about subjectY, then let them be stupid and go ahead and keep thinking it. We're going to keep thinking our own thoughts about it! So STOP TALKING ABOUT IT ALREADY!". Um, not only did you just bring it up, but you also talked shit - and you have to see that people you just talked shit to would want to defend themselves and/out their position. But since you ended it with "stop talking about it already" - if anyone does respond to YOUR shit talking, you'll say "geez, I wanted to stop this already!". Can't GirlY SEE the hypocrisy dripping from her statements? Don't fucking bring something up if you don't want to talk about it. And if you talk shit - you should be ready for someone to respond to it.

I will be the first to admit that I love discussions/debates if it's something I have an opinion on. I will reply to anyone who questions me or brings up something I haven't responded to. I don't expect anyone to change their opinion to what I think - that's the beauty of opinions - we are all allowed to have our OWN! But what I don't do is talk shit to someone who doesn't agree with me. If you don't agree, then I'll at least try to explain why I think the way I do.

I wish public message boards didn't fall into the above categories with their occasional drama. But they will, without fail, each and every time. Ah well. It's what I sign myself up for if I choose to participate, right?

My search phrases are hilarious.

The last 20 searches that linked to my blog:

12 thenewlifeofnancy
4 http://thenewlifeofnancy
3 thelifeofnancy blog
2 broken leg cast
2 hystography
2 www
2 leg cast
2 thelifeofnancy
1 thenewlifeofnanctbblogspot
1 infertility self injection
1 Pikes Peak Derby Dames
1 baby mistaken for folicals in ultrasound
1 rollerderbyme
1 "broke her leg"
1 cast leg broke
1 infertility
1 "3 year old" "normal BP"
1 can a left will a left over follice mature next month
1 what does "no one can make you feel inferior with out your consent
1 frenchy accent

I also love the IP track info in the statistics. Not that I know who the actual people are by the IPs, but there is so much you can tell from them - like what city it's from. It's always interesting to where your readers are from! Maybe I'll do something on the city from my top 10 cities list. Like once a week, put in a little known trivia fact. Hrm. I've never been to a lot of these places, so this may be hard!

Allison got her cast off!

I'm so excited for her! The cast lasted for only 3 1/2 weeks and the xray shows she's completely healed. It was a "greenstick" fracture - the xray showed the new piece of bone that was growing on the inside of her tibia.

So she's a normal little 2 year old again. No cast. And the best part for me? Normal baths again. Do you know how much trouble it is to wash a two year old with a leg cast on?

"I'd rather be ignorant".

I ~seriously~ just read that from someone.

PLEASE tell me this is not the norm? Do most people not want to educate themselves? Do most people really just want to live under false pretenses? Because if it is, wow, I really have some re-learning to do.

This kind of thinking really doesn't do anyone any good if you ask me. Especially when someone like this is VERY vocal. What the hell should people do if not to HELP them learn? Help them along with their ignorance and play along with it? Or just ignore them? If we play along, we are only going to help that ignorance grow. Others are going to read it and see all the positive reinforcements of it and that will lead to more of it. How many girls should we teach that a BFN isn't really a BFN? I'm not saying we should rub that in anyone's face, but I think we should dispell the fantasy that it could be anything else. (sure, sometimes it's just too early).

When someone gets AF should we say "aww, maybe it's just really late & heavy implantation bleeding! You should test again tomorrow!"? I actually think that's MEAN to do. Instilling hope in someone, only to know it's most likely a hopeless situation. I know crazy things happen, but crazy things don't happen on a daily basis to most people.

So please tell me - would YOU rather be ignorant?

They are SO afraid of me

They know I'm an expert menstruator (see previous post) and they are afraid of me showing everyone up ~again~ that they are giving me a handicap - birth control pills. They know that I'll obviously menstruate EASILY on them - they are making me take them, just so I can't gloat about how I thwarted all their other attempts. They (the entire RE staff) needs a break and apparently, they think I need one too.

I got the call this afternoon. I thought I was going to get a date for another uterine check, but next thing I knew I was writing down my pre-surgical appointment and the time I need to be to the outpatient surgery center. Seems doc is so sure I need another surgery, he's just scheduling it along with the scope, so while he's in there, he can operate at the same time.

How awesome. Before it was "if" I needed more surgery. Now it's a when. And that "when" is 2 weeks away. Nov 2nd.

fuck. me.

I'm NOT a failure!!!

In fact, I'm an expert. Yes, you read it here. I'm an expert menstruator. (menstruater? it's a new word, even for spell checker). Hell. I'm an expert in menstruating.

I have tried everything in my power to stop it from happening. I've taken drugs. I've done "procedures". I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars out of pocket. But yet like clockwork, I menstruate.

All those "first cycle BFP-ers". Bah. Failure menstruators. FAILURES. Those girls who get pregnant ON the pill? Good lord! Can you get any more into the failure bucket than that? They take a pill everyday to ensure they menstruate every 28 days and they can't even do that!

I've never been so good at anything in my life! Damn. I need an award.

Who else out there are ~expert menstruators~?

The Quick Fix.

A woman has an issue getting pregnant. A doctor throws a diagnosis at her with limited evidence because it falls into what the diagnosis usually is. So what happens next? The woman puts all her faith into "well, this has got to be it and I'll be pregnant this cycle". But she doesn't get pregnant. And her heart is even heavier because of the added faith.

Why does the woman even think for a moment, that it will work?

Because of that other woman - that one woman we all know, it worked for her. When she took that diagnosis, she made plans on her getting pregnant that month. And whattya know? 2 lines. "Obviously I was going to get pregnant this month" she says. "The doctor told me what my problem was, I took the medication he gave me and I'm pregnant." Like there was no other option even available.

But guess what? This woman was probably going to get pregnant if she took sugar pills. But she will say it was because of medication x. And it validates all her thoughts on the subject. And it propels the myth that medication x really is all that was needed. And the worse part of it all? It gives all us other women, hope that it'll work for us too.

Medication X is ~usually~ clomid or progesterone. And "that woman" is usually a woman who's had kids before and had always gotten pregnant SO easily before. And not that it's taken 3 times now with no BFP yet, her doctor gives her one of these meds and says "call me in a few weeks to make your prenatal appointment!" And she does. And she tells everyone how medication x IS, in fact, a miracle. Which perpetuates through all her friends. And it gets back to us, someone who medication x won't help. But we hear the story "it only took one month for my friend's friend's neighbor's sister!" and it gives us hope.

(note, because I didn't want there to be any confusion. I'm not talking about the woman who only ovulates w/ clomid. Or the woman who really needs progesterone for ~true~ lpd (talked about below)

Clomid and progesterone piss me off to tell you the truth. Too many women expect it to do things it's not going to do and not even meant to do. If you are ovulating, clomid can give you a better ovulation. Sure, it definitely can. But clomid will also wreck havoc on a woman's lining. The cons can actually be worse overall than the pro of that "stronger egg"!

Take an aspirin when you don't have a headache because if you are happening to get a headache right now, it'll help it. (It'll probably also give you a tummy ache though) And there will be a bunch of women who will take that aspirin and sing their praises of not having a headache. While the rest of us will be sitting here with a tummy ache and a headache, because our headaches are caused by migraines, something that a fucking aspirin won't help with at all.

And then there is progesterone. I've read and heard so many things on this, I couldn't even begin to come to a conclusion. I've read that low progesterone, if ovulation did happen, really isn't the cause of miscarriages. And if it is, it's very rare. I've read oral and cream progesterone supplements really don't help things and there is no real point to it. I've read that low progesterone in an ovulating woman points to an ovulation issue and taking supplements isn't going to help the underlying problem at all - it'll increase the levels, but that's it. The egg can still be crap. I've read that progesterone supplements can help women with true LDPs (luteal phase defects) but doctors don't often enough take the time/tests it would take to truly diagnosis this. But still, it's given. Hell, it's given to me and I take it. But is it really helping? Hell, I don't know if it is or not. I'm going to take it on the off chance that it is, but I sure am not putting all my faith on getting pregnant on it.

I say this all because I know someone who falls into each category that I just spoke about. It pisses me off that doctors are giving these women so much faith in the medications they are prescribing. It pisses me off that these women are having harder failed cycles because of this faith the doctors are giving them. And while there are women who did have successes with any (or both) of these medications, it pisses me off that they'll tell everyone that it was the medication that did it for them, when it probably wasn't. And that will lead to more hope being created. More stories of why these medications are miraclulous. And sadly, heavier hearts when there are more failures. We don't need help feeling bad. And we definitely don't need to feel worse that we already will.

no longer too early.

still a bfn at 12dpo. (just updating, not wallowing)

another bfn

officially 11dpo. BFN. Poop.

I'm having a "poor me" moment.

I ~puffy heart~ the lost and found connections. I go through it religiously, everyday, to try to support those in need and congratulate those with good news.

And it hit me today.

There are things put in the "support needed" section that I have gone through quite recently. I have had 2 failed IUI cycles. I needed the cheering when I started and I needed the support when they failed. The last IUI cycle, just last month, was the worst I've ever felt in my failures. Good lord - I was listening to coldplay 24x7. I don't even like coldplay.

Of course, I got cheers and support from the people who read my blog. I'm not complaining about that at all. But in thinking of the fact that there are no clickers in my categories checking in on me, made me a bit sad.

I'm ~totally~ whining about this and being a big baby right now. I know there are A LOT of secondary infertiles, IUIers, cysters, parenting after IF links in that big old blogroll. I know that everyone can't be covered. Heck, I'm a clicker and I know I miss some. I do try to go through ALL of the links in my categories once a week, but I'm sure I miss some. It just got me thinking, not only about my own passed-over-ness, but who else is out there, doing the best they can to support others on this wonderful and great forum, but are passed over themselves?

oh yeah - my official derby name is ...

MurderRita.

I made the team!

I passed my skills assessment last night! I'm officially a Pikes Peak Derby Dame!

The next step is for one of the teams to pick me up. I'll either be a Candy Sniper or a Danger Doll.

In ttc news ... well, i'm finally seeing those BFNs I needed to see to know trigger is completely out of my system. ;)

Welcome to dorksville. Population ME.

Yup. I'm a huge dork.

Still a light bfp, but now it's lighter than yesterday. For one (or more) of the reasons I stated yesterday, the bfps yesterday was still the triggers.

I feel ~so~ awesome right about now.

I couldn't check ...

When I got home, I checked my stock and I only have ~one~ el-cheapo left. That means if I used it now, I would have nothing to compare for tomorrow.

Of course, I did pee on some other brand I had at home - the infamous "blue dye +/-" test. It was a nice blue +. But nothing to compare to and we know I have hcg in my system - that is not the question. But is it getting darker? We'll have to wait until tomorrow.

And for the record, this afternoon's test was a smidgen darker. But that's nothing to rely on since it was only hours in between the two. I need a good 24 hour different test.

Before I sign off for the day, I have to say that as I'm working this out in my head, I'm leaning more and more to this has got to still be the trigger. Maybe the 7dpo stark white BFN was diluted urine. For the life of me, I can't remember how it was taken. I know it was before the trigger shot, but I don't know if it was diluted or not. And maybe THAT test was faulty. There are a million zillion "-ifs" to this equation. Being good at math isn't going to make anything so.

Put a gun in my mouth and just pull the trigger.

It would be less painful for me. Please?

Okay, no one tell me to stop poas. I'm a self-admitted poas-aholic and I will continue to pee, every time I have to, until I know what's going on.

And, you lucky blog reader - you get to read all about my urine catches. Yay for you!

Okeedokey. Since I had an hpt in my pocket, oh, "just in case", I poas again. I last peed at noontime and then used my pocket stash at 2:30. It was a medium diet pepsi (I must rather would choose coke) and 2 1/2 hours later, and it was still a bfp. It ~may~ be darker than this mornings, but if it is, it's just a tad darker. And hey, it could still be the 1,250 trigger 2 1/2 days ago (when the last 1,250 trigger was gone in under two days. I'm just saying).

What it does "prove" is the morning's darker bfp was ~not~ from a more concentrated sample. This one was as diluted, if not more, than yesterday evening's bfp. And it's darker than yesterday's (maybe this morning's too. can you believe it? I didn't carry the pee stained stick with me to work).

Due to the fact I have a bajillion hpts at home (yeah, I buy in bulk because I know the type of girl I am), I'm already holding it for the next tiddling. Maybe around 6pm? If I can, I'll hold longer. But honestly, I'm not a good holder (it's the progesterone's fault). So we'll see. If any of today's is darker than this morning's - well, I'm going to have to believe it. (of course a bunch of beta's will be in my future. I know a +hpt does not = a baby, but it's a good start.)

If tomorrow's is lighter, I'm going to look like a giant dork.

I actually somehow feel like Carolyn on "Tell Me You Love Me" when she first thinks she's pregnant and she acts it before it's even confirmed.

Of course I'm not telling anyone living around me all of this (okay, I told one girl here because I'm insane, but she won't hold it against me). But I didn't tell the lunch cart lady to try to score an extra cookie. (although I want to - just for the mere reality of it all).



Updated with this picture. As horrible as this picture is. It's light, but it's definitely thick and pink. The photo just doesn't do it justice.




I'm SERIOUSLY going to feel like a giant ass if it's lighter and/or negative tomorrow. Really. And I know it's an absolute possibility.

Want in on my insanity?

Okay, hold on to your math hats. I'm a mathlete.

When wondering how long hCG stays in your system, many go by the average of "1,000 UIs/day". Since I am a poas-aholic, I know that after a trigger of 10,000 UIs, I am usually getting stark white bfns by 7-8dpo. Let's say 8dpo for the math factor. That means ~my~ body processes about 1,250 units per day.

This cycle I had:

7,500 IUs 9 days ago, on ovulation day.
1,250 IUs 4 days ago, at 5dpo
1,250 IUs 2 days ago, at 7dpo.

Before my 3rd trigger on 7dpo, 2 days after last trigger and 7 days after 1st trigger, I POAS. It was BFN. Nada. Stark White.

That means in 7 days, 7,500IUs was processed (makes sense) and in 2 days, another 1,250 was processed (again, makes sense).

Okay, we good so far? I have verified that trigger is gone.

I give myself trigger #3. About 12 hours later (that night), I POAS and get a BFP. This was Sunday night. Makes sense. I'm still within processing time.

Of course I want to check to see when it's gone, so 24 hours later (36 hours after last trigger), Monday night, I POAS again after holding urine for 3 hours or so. It's a ~faint~ bfp. Okay, so this one is taking a little longer to get out. Okay. Fine.

9dpo. This morning, I poas using fmu, which has only been held for about 3 hours, due to I had to pee in the midst of the morning. It's a bfp again. But darker. ~argh~ !!! WTF? Seriously?

Which leads me to have to make some conclusions. It could definitely still be the last trigger. Maybe this one is taking more than a day to process. I'm at the 2 day mark and still getting a bfp. It could happen. And maybe this morning's darker bfp was just because it was more concentrated than last nights. Yeah, I did pee, but I didn't drink anything else, so still, it was from liquid all night.

It all makes sense that it's still the trigger. And plus, I'm ~only~ 9dpo. Sure, my chart went triphasic 2 days ago. If I am, ~cough~cough~, pregnant, implantation would have already happened on 6dpo. Which is early but not impossible. So it's possible to get a bfp already. But I AM taking progesterone supplements, so that could attest for the higher temps. But I started taking the supps on the morning of 3dpo. Why would it wait 3 days to make my temps higher?

SEE. My insanity. I wish I wasn't smart enough to think about all the possibilities. I wish I could blindly wait until 14dpo to test. I wish I knew that yes, it could be a possible real bfp. I wish I knew that no, it could definitely still be from the synthetic hcg I was injecting in my ass.

I know WAY too much and I don't know nearly enough.

So I wait. If it gets darker ~again~, then it's real. If it fades, it's not (but it's still early!) <--- gotta keep some hope, right?

The private pain.

I was really, really moved by this post by katarinajellybeana which talks about the feelings and knowledge of women who have not gone through infertility on the topic of infertility.

I really want the post to speak for itself and I will not add to it. Just the fact that it struck me.

My first self-injection is done.

I gave myself my hCG injection this morning. Piece of cake.

I was pissed that my husband conveniently left early to go to work - he KNEW he was supposed to do it, but oh well - I gave myself the tooshy inject myself.

Anyone want to take guesses?

How long do you think my luteal phase will be THIS cycle?

Background
~ Average LP for all cycles is 12 days
~ Minimum LP for all cycles was 10 days
~ Maximum LP for all cycles was 13 days
~ The average LP for cycles when clomid or femara w/out progesterone was 11 days
~ The LP for the cycle when progesterone was taken post-o was 13 days

This cycle
~ Triggered ovulation w/ 7,500 IUs of hCG
~ 200 mg of progesterone will be taken daily starting @ 3dpo
~ 1,250 IUs of hCG will be injected at 5dpo
~ 1,250 IUs of hCG will be injected at 7dpo

This has GOT to get my LP to 14dpo, right???

Newbie ttc-ers' hope drives me nutso

And it shouldn't. It really shouldn't. I just can't help it.

I remember when ~I~ was SO full of hope when I first started. It would have sucked is some bitter IFer told me to contain my joy because it could very well take a long time. And even though it DID take a long time, I still liked that I once was so full of hope.

And the bottom line is most newbies WILL get their BFPs before they turn bitter. (Which, let me add, I find it HILARIOUS when someone who's tried 6 months and got their BFP talk about how HARD it was for them. Okay, it sucks to fail, I get that, but when you get the prize at 6 months, it kinda seems that they get their bitch card taken away.) So our warnings of not getting too much hope in their hearts is dismissed. And why shouldn't they have hope anyways? If they ~do~ get it sooner, rather than later, why not have it all be a wonderful experience? Just cause it's so shitty for me and so many others? Mind you - I am ~NOT~ saying that they shouldn't understand that it's hard for others - I'm not talking about that - I'm talking about their hope and excitement when first starting to ttc.

But I digress.

Another thing, the newbies who do get it easily are the reason why so many myths about ttc perpetuate. We would NEVER hear "put your legs up", "get drunk!", "just relax" if there wasn't such a thing as an "under 12 month bfp".

Hey, it's cool that most get it under 12 months. 6 months even. But my point here is not to bitch about that fact - it's fine. I'm jealous it's not me, but it's fine. My point is that their cutsie hope wears on me. It wears on me HARD. But I try to mutter a "good luck!" with a smile anyway.

oy vey.

What am I? 70?

I'm only half way to 70! So why is it that I feel like I am already twice my age?

Last night we did falling drills. Skating and dropping to one knee (and getting up). Skating and dropping to both knees (and getting up). Then we had to do sprinting drills, but from laying down on our backs and then getting up. And on our bellies and then getting up.

THEN, to round out practice, we worked on hitting drills.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

I am SO sore. My god. I'm SORE. Knees ache. Back aches. Everything aches.