Saturday, December 29, 2007

Loose vs Lose and other grammer mistakes that bug me.

So we all know I've been visited by the Grammar Nazi on my quickness to type it's when I mean its. And although said grammar nazi made me second guess my knowledge, turns out I knew what I was doing, just made some typos. But, I'm also a grammar nazi in some respects. The difference is I won't correct a total stranger. I will, however, tell a friend so she won't keep embarrassing herself, but a stranger? Nah.

Anywho - the one grammar thing that is driving me bonkers lately is "loose" and "lose". I have seen dozens of people using this wrong lately.

"I need to loose weight." You do? Is your weight too tight, then my all means loosen it up!

"This dress is just too lose on me." Wow, you better not wear it so it nothing gets lost!

Okay, the latter rarely happens, but it sounded funny. The big one is using "loose" (meaning something is too baggy, the opposite of tight, or even a slutty person.) for the word "lose" (to come to be without, to suffer the deprivation of, etc). I have included the links to each of the definitions because as I was shocked to see 37 different definitions of "loose", none of which, by the way, meaning "lose". My favorite was the 8th definition of loose: "lax. as the bowels."

And while we're at it, if everyone could remember there are no such words as "irregardless", "supposebly" or "dialation" (it's dilation), that'd be great. Okay, okay, irregardless is a word, it's just a redundant word that is often mistakenly *believe to be the correct usage. Take off the "ir" and it's still regardless. There's just no need to add on "ir". In fact, by adding on the "ir", it makes it a double negative with "less", creating the opposite: regard. You can read all about it here if interested in learning more.

Another funny mistake is when I see someone trying to use the phrase "for all intents and purposes". I can't tell you how many times I've heard "for all intensive purposes" instead. This one makes me laugh each time.

So those are my lessons for today. But by all means, I'm am NOT the grammar queen! I am conscious about many grammar mistakes I make everyday (hello? How many parenthetical comments can I make?) and I know I put way too many word in "quotes". I'm also probably unconscious of copious other mistakes. I'm not sure how okay it is to start sentences with "and" and "but". I remember an English lesson where we spoke to it and we were allowed, but I do it all the time. I also start and end sentences with adverbs and I couldn't even begin to tell you which one (or both) was incorrect.

The point is, I've got my annoyance points and these are them. We all have them, what are yours???

* I learned something new today. I had thought the phrase "believe to be" was "believed to be", but in reading the blurb about the mistaken use of "irregardless", I saw I was wrong.

Friday, December 28, 2007

You know the feeling

when you just ~know~ someone doesn't like you? Even without knowing said person, you can just sense it?

I sense that with someone in this IF blogosphere. I sense it hardcore. And I wonder why. We've only crossed paths a few times and they weren't negative. Well, it ~was~ controversial, but not negative. At least I didn't think it was. Maybe she was lying when she said she wasn't upset over my words. ~shrug~

Just something I noticed. I'm not going to point this person out or anything. The reason for this post was not to tell who she is. Nor is it for her to even read it, cause I'd doubt she's reading this anywho - if I'm right, she doesn't like me anyway. Nor do I need something "fixed" between us, no matter what that could be. Of course it bothers me, or I wouldn't even be typing this. But it's not bothering me in a hurtful way. It's bothering me in a "why in the world" way.

If you've been with me for awhile, ~especially~ back in my 6/2006 - 7/2007 blog, you'd KNOW I have some haters. And unfortunately, I have that hate right back with some. I wish I was more mature with some things, but I'll be the first to admit to something, and I'll admit I am childish in some ways. But for the most part, I can let things go pretty easily. Except when I'm taunted w/ misinformation. Boy of boy, I can't stop myself then. I can't just ignore - I have to post it and go through, point by point, why their taunting is wrong. Hey, hate me if you'd like, but hate me for the right reasons. There is nothing more I can't stand than to be misinterpreted.

I am outspoken. And I'm not shy. Therefore, it's led to me hurting feelings when it wasn't my intent. I just think everyone is like me and can hear negative information about themselves and not take it as being mean. Especially friends. I never want there to be something unspoken between us. So if I see that they are doing something that isn't the greatest, I'll tell them, even if it's something that is tough to hear. See, ~I THINK~ in the end, they'd rather have a few moments of being uncomfortable if it meant that they could change their behavior for the better. It's usually they are doing something they have NO IDEA hurts me and/or others. So I point it out, just assuming they'll get it. They'll acknowledge that even though they didn't MEAN to do/say the hurtful thing, they certainly don't want to continue doing it. And sometimes it IS uncomfortable for them. No one likes being told they are doing something unsavory. Sometimes it takes explanation on my end to get over the hurtful initial feeling, but I can usually successfully explain how it was all with loving intent. If I didn't care about the person, I wouldn't waste my breath.

Every now and again, it goes all wrong. They get immediately defensive and they can't break down the wall they built so hastily. I don't know if it's because they've been hurt before, so when anything negative comes their way, they can't even begin to understand how it wasn't meant to hurt them, instead meant to help them. Some back away after the conversation. Some even attack back. Those are the most painful for obvious reasons. It is usually something that others have felt or would feel, but I was the only one who had the balls to say it. And I said it because I didn't want our friendship, or the other friendships to suffer. But instead, I get attacked in response, usually in below the belt manners. I've had private things thrown back at me. I've had stories, complete fabrications thrown back at me. I've been called names and I've been called other things. All because I didn't want us to have any bad feelings between us, even if they didn't know of the bad feelings.

Let me ask - if ~you~ were hurting one of your friends with your comments about something, wouldn't you want to know? Let's say you just got a promotion. A big promotion. And you were understandably excited about it. Let's say you got a lot of money and you started lavishing gifts on all your friends. You'd pick up the check when you all went out and when there were protests, you'd say "Don't worry, I can afford it now!". You kept telling everyone how HARD you worked for it and how much you deserved it. This was a big accomplishment for you and you wanted to share it with your friends.

Now, let's say one of your friends was, unknowingly to you, trying to get that same job. She was also working super hard for it, in fact, she'd been working for it longer than you. You had no idea! But she comes to you and asks you to tone it down in front of her. That you buying her things was really making her feel bad? I could tell you that it would hurt my feelings at first, because I know all my gifts and picking up the check was because I loved my friends, not just because I was proud of myself. So my first reaction would be to feel she was simply being ungrateful of my generosity, since I had also been working hard for the job. But after thinking about it for a moment and putting myself in her shoes, I could understand where she's coming from. It's not that she's not happy for me, it's that my happiness came with her own failure, so celebrating my success to her is simply hard. I could understand that. What I wouldn't do would be to simply call her ungrateful and to suck it up and enjoy my success. But yet, it's happened to me, me being the one who didn't get the job. I've been called those names. No matter how much I could protest her allegations - that I'm ~not~ upset she got the job, since she also deserved it. I'm just really sad that after so much hard work, I didn't get the job. She said she understood, but I heard later that when she went to lunch, she told everyone about how ungrateful I was.

Whew. Can you tell that's still a sore subject for me? See, there are some things I can't let go. There are some things I'm obviously not being mature enough to allow to just let it stop bothering me. But at least I know why the promotion girl doesn't like me. Even though I don't know why she couldn't look past her initial defensiveness to see me real intent. But I know WHY we're not talking now. Had I kept my mouth shut, I'd probably still be bothered by her gifts. And this is why I don't like it when I don't know why someone dislikes me. I may not get over the fact they don't like me, but at least I can rest in knowing I know the ~why~.

Some horn tootin'

Cause I need it.

Another belt loop smaller this morning! After the holiday weight fluctuations, I'm back down to the 140 mark. 12 lbs lost, 5 to go. I am trying to tone up too, but the foot surgery has me out for a bit. Hopefully another week or so and I can start back up.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Can't. Speak. Too. Pissed. Off.

Heard from my mom the big 'hush-hush' secret of the season. My 19 year old neice, the one who has the mentality of a 13-14 year old, is pregnant. The kicker? The "boyfriend" is a 33 year old man. My sister allowed them to sleep together for the past few months because "they are just friends". Guess where the mental issues came from? It's genetic. Except we don't understand where my sister came from, my mom suggested a switch at the hospital.

I just called her (the neice) and talked for about an hour. She didn't spill it to me but asked a lot of cycle questions for a "friend". She kept dropping the "her" to a "me" everynow and again. When I tried to say "wait, YOU thought you might be pregnant?", she denied she said it was her. All her friend.

Goes to show just how much the "It'll happen when it's right" holds up. Yeah.

Only a few days left.

My last birth control pill will be on New Year's Day. I'll start off the year with the very last of something. Strange.

I wish I could take my last one on new year's eve, so I can end the year with the last one and start it without one, but my HSS is on the 2nd and I can't chance having AF come early. Back in birth control days, I usually only took 2-3 days sans pill to get AF, so it'd be pushing it.

Hopefully I'll get AF by the 4th. That means IUI cycle #3 may only be a smidgen over a week away.

Please oh please oh please let my HSS be clear. Please oh please oh please let me get the okay to go ahead with treatments. No more scar tissue. No more surgery. Let 2008 be a lucky year for this 35 year old girl. Please? Since my uterus is closing up shop THIS YEAR, I'm starting to panic just a bit now.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Snowed in.


Still at the in laws. Yipee. Most snow on Christmas since sometime in the late 1800s. Which means I am stuck. Well, I have been stuck. We're going to leave soon, as soon as the boys finish shoveling out the cars.

I'm out of panties. Thank goodness the hubby gave me a "private gift" after Christmas - some fancy lingerie from Victoria's Secret. Which means, of course, I'm wearing panties that shouldn't be panties at all. A string and some lace at the top don't constitute "panties", but I don't like to be pantiless in jeans, so again, I'm stuck.

Wish me luck we get out of here.

Monday, December 24, 2007

I lied. I have a complaint.

The dog. The dog from hell. Charlie.

He's a problem dog. He was actually given up by his owners because they were about to have a baby and there would be no way they could have the dog around the baby. So what does my father in law do? He adopts the dog. He adopts the dog when his only son and wife were trying their hardest to conceive their very first grandchild.

Now they have a dog who has zero discipline. He'll eat anything within reach, nothing is off limits. If you turn your back, say you get up to get the salt and pepper, your plate will be cleaned of all it's food. And upon Father in law hearing/seeing this? We'll get chastised for not guarding our plate.

I don't know why the father in law is like this. I think he knows it was stupid to get this dog but can't admit to the mistake. So he ignores it's happening. I think they tried all the discipline classes at the beginning, but slowly gave up. Now it's a hear & see no evil type thing and he just dotes on the dog constantly.

I really dislike this dog. The dog acts like he's the king of the house, demanding through barking of what he would like help with - doors opened, treats, etc. And they (the inlaws) just do it. It's maddening.

Charlie is 10. How old do weimaraners live to? wink~wink.

Happy Holidays. I think.

Hi there from in-law land! (children mentioned, but barely)

I'm currently working today from the in-laws house, actually breaking the "no computer" rule the lady of the house created for everyone.

You see, it's not just a normal Christmas at the in-laws. I was forced, by guilt, to come to in the in-laws here. Along with that fact, my family joined 9 other people, not including the in-laws themselves. In total, there are 15 people here. Mother in law, Father in law, Myself, my husband Tom, my 2 children, Tom's Aunt Diane and her granddaughter aged 17, Tom's other younger Aunt (18 yeard younger than his mom), her husband and their 4 children aged 15, 13, 10 & 7. In a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house. Awesome, eh?

I must admit though, it's pretty darned nice. That's because Tom being a momma's boy, he's spoiled. His mother would ~never~ allow him to "suffer", so we have one of the two master bedrooms. (They bought a house and added on another living room and another master bed/bath that is practically the size of the original house). So although I'm sharing a room with Tom and my kids, I have my own bathroom. That's crucial, so honestly, I can't complain. All the kids are well behaved. None of that teenage angst you see in some brooding teens.

The only thing I can still complain about is I'm not at home. I never went anywhere for Christmas when I was growing up. I have a semi-large family, 6 kids, so maybe that was why we didn't go anywhere. So it's weird for me to leave. And since I do have kids, I kind of want them to spend Christmas ~at~ home. But Tom always went to his grandparents, so here's the part of marriage where I have to compromise.

What about you? Do you spend Christmas generally at home? Somewhere else? Or a mix?

Friday, December 21, 2007

The handwritten note.

I've been sending out holiday cards ever since I was on my own when I was 17 years old. Back then, (oh god, 18 years ago) there were no pre-personalized cards. You still had to at least sign your name. I always included a little note to the person I was sending it to. All my cards were unique, I didn't simply write the same thing in each card. Some were the general "happy holidays" sentiment, but I always tried to say something personal to each person.

Then technology happened. You can simply buy your entire card, complete with picture of the family and already signed. All the person has to do is address the envelope, which is sometimes even simply labeled from a computer printout of their address book.

I sent out maybe 75 cards this year and it took me hours and hours of writing. So when I noticed that most of the cards I received in return were all pre-personalized, I missed the reason we send cards. Sure, creating, buying and addressing these cards still show the person you are thinking about them this Holiday season, but the receiver doesn't see any of this work. We just get a card that was no different from all the other cards that were sent.

These cards ~are~ appreciated, don't get me wrong. I was happy to receive each and every one of them. This year, I just noticed how many were already signed in printed text and, I don't know, it was a little disheartening. I think I only noticed because I had just spent every evening of the past week writing my cards or I probably wouldn't of even given this thought.

I was just discussing this with a friend and I thought about something I hadn't thought about - the fact that the majority of the people who send these types of pre-personalized cards are mostly younger than me. Either younger than me or they didn't start sending out cards back when the pre-personalization wasn't an option. So I think this is all the newer generation passing up an older tradition. For me, using a pre-personalized holiday card would be a change and I'm simply sticking with what I know. For those who use pre-personalized cards, they are simply doing what they know. It's not that they are skipping the handwritten note, it's that the handwritten note wasn't even one of the options.

Again, I want to say I still appreciate every single card sent to me. I know some of the senders are readers of my blog and I want to make sure I'm ~not~ giving the wrong message. I have the tendancy to do that because since I know how I feel, I don't feel guilty writing a post like this one. I know that when I say I appreciated those cards, I really did. I'm not just saying that to make anyone feel better. Even pre-personalized, they were still personalized. These cards contained beautiful pictures of families and that's about as personal as someone could get.

Remember, I'm simply talking about the handwritten note, the signed name, the hand addressing of a card. I find all of these things nice and I'm a little sad to see them go.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The S/A. Why so glum, chum?

Why on earth do I hear so many women say "My poor darling husband has to get an s/a done."? WTF? Why does so many women feel like they have to coddle the man in regards to a sperm analysis?

Sure, it's embarrassing. But it's not like they have to sit there while the nurse watched them whack off. They get to do what they do naturally, just the deposit is in a cup instead of thrown away. No one chuckles at this test. No one snickers and points fingers saying "I know what you just did!". It's a fucking normal test for a man, yet they are treated like God's for "subjecting" themselves to it.

Get over it guys. No one cares. You know what I do care about though? When you are too juvenile to turn in the sample yourself. I see ~so many~ women bring in the samples hidden in the recesses of their coats/purses/bags and hand it over like they are smuggling heroin. I don't get it. But I bet these are the women who also hide their tampons, like the public will gasp in horror if they catch a glimpse of a plastic wrapper in hand on the way to the bathroom. When I bring it in, I turn in the sample like a normal person. I don't whisper. I don't hide it. It was, in fact, in my coat on the way in, but that's because they always say to keep the sucker warm. Once I'm in there, it's not treated like a dirty secret. (although I would like to note the one woman who turned in the sample without the little white paper bag. She just had the cup, filled with her husband's man juice, for all to see. I would of rather appreciated some secrecy from her.)

But I digress. This post isn't about how women are embarrassed by their husband's sperm, it's about men sucking it up and taking one for the team. I've taken in a sample before for my husband. In fact, I've taken it in twice. The first was because I had an appointment and he didn't have to attend the appointment with me. The second time was when I needed a sample for them to freeze for IUI #2 because he was leaving town at 645am. I got him to do his duty and then got it there by 7am opening. But if he refused to take it in because he was too embarrassed? There'd be some trouble here in NancyLand.

I know a wonderful girl who has been begging her husband to go and get his S/A done. He refuses. Well, he doesn't refuse - he actually promises her that he'll schedule it "next week", but it never comes to fruition. She is obviously irritated at his lack of caring to do his part in their journey to become parents. This is not a one sided thing, although it's close to it. Women take the brunt in the testing and most guys only have to do this one little test. I find it hilarious when a man says his men are fine, but won't just take a test to certify that little tidbit. Is it actually some deep down psychological thing where they are scared to test their manhood? I would like to think this is the case, because it would make me feel a little sympathy, but I don't buy it. It's all about the masterbation. Plain and simple.

Speaking of tests being one sided, let me take a poll. Tell me, anonymously if you'd like, how many tests/treatments/procedures YOU have undergone in your journey so far. Throw me a number. Count all those HSGs, HSSs, laps, u/s, b/w, everything. Count em up. I bet that most of you seasoned treatment girls wouldn't even be able to BEGIN to give me a number, can you? THEN, after you give me your number, tell me how many things your husband as had to endure. Then, for anyone out there who'd husband still won't take this little test, show him the comments. Show him how much is out there for us and all we ask for them is this one little thing.

I don't know where all this comes from. My husband has given plenty of samples and doesn't have an issue with it. I'm just annoyed for my friend. I'm annoyed for other random bloggers. Plus, I just left my doctor's appointment and got the first glipse of my frankenstein~esque foot. Nothing to do with sperm, but I'm in a snarky mood.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Woodland Critter Christmas

I actually don't want to detract anyone from reading or commenting on the previous post, but I just spent 30 minutes laughing my ass off and I have to share. (Don't you just hate that? When you blog about something you find actually quite stimulating and you are looking forward to the conversations that may come up from the comments, but then there is just something stupid you want to blog about? I'm having that kind of moment right now)

By now, most everyone has seen an episode of Southpark. For me, it started with the file share of their now famous short "Jesus vs Santa". It wasn't yet on tv yet, but it was mighty close. I'll admit that the draw for me was the foul language. I drop the f bomb countless times a day. In fact, I respect someone a little bit more for not being afraid to use it. So when I saw this cartoon of little children telling eachother to 'fuck off', I was hooked. I was so happy when Fox picked it up shortly thereafter. Living in Colorado, I'm also privy to the truckload of "inside" jokes used in many of the episodes (Casa Bonita, Cherry Creek, The Shane Company, etc). I'm also an avid snowboarder and have driven through Southpark about 800 times.

Needless to say, I love the show. I haven't seen them all, but I've seen more than not. I don't like them all. I'm not really into potty humor, but I still can see how it is funny. I've sat in complete amazement on how they have been able to offend just about every single person in the entire world, yet remain on air. I think it's great. If you don't like it, don't watch it.

Well, I just saw the 2004 Christmas episode "Woodland Critter Christmas". I do not know how I missed this one. It was quite possibly the funniest and most horrendously offensive episode ever. Well, maybe not the latter as the special olympics episode was pretty fucking offensive.

For anyone who hasn't seen this, I'm going to do my best at giving the quick point-by-point rundown as simply as I can possible do it. I'm obviously a little wordy (~gasp~) but I'll try:

~ Stan is walking in forest and comes upon a group of talking woodland creatures. He's very "what the fuck?"

~ Stan helps the animals find a star for the tree. Then they tell him they don't have a manger for the pregnant virgin porcupine's baby (immaculate conception). Stan builds a manger grudgingly, after the animals tell all about the coming of their "savior".

~ The animals then explain how every year the "son of our lord" tries to be born by own of the animals, but a mountain lion comes and kills it each year. Stan sees Mountain Lion and shoos it away. The animals rejoice saying how Stan will save Christmas this year by killing the Mountain Lion.

~ Cursing the whole way, Stan went up the mountain and killed the mountain lion.

~ The mountain lion's cubs come out and cry over their mom's dead body asking "mommy? Wake up mommy" and then ask Stan why they would kill their mommy. Stan is heartbroken and went back to woodland creatures.

~ Woodland creatures find out the Mountain Lion is dead and respond "He did it! Christmas is saved. Hail Satan!". What!?! He finds out the porcupine is carrying the antichrist. The animals celebrate by stabbing one of their fellow woodland creatures in sacrifice and yell "drink the blood!" and then they have a blood orgy - bloody animal humping.

~ Stan goes home and then decides he has to go back to the forest to make it right. When he gets there, the creatures tell him they need a human host once the antichrist is born - a "heathen". They ask Stan if he'll be the host but they find out, unfortunately for them, Stan is Christian and has been baptized.

~ Stan tells the woodland creatures this can't happen. They say it can because he killed the only thing that can stop it - the mountain lion that had stopped the evil in all the years past. Yay Stan for killing the lion!

~ Stan remembers the cubs, finds them and explains they have to kill the porcupine. They say they only have their baby teeth and can't kill it. So they decide they can give the porcupine and abortion. To learn this task, they go to an abortion clinic and watch abortions all day. Abortion after abortion is being performed to Christmas music.

~ They all go back to the woodland creatures to give the porcupine abortion, but the birth has already happened. Stan says it won't work because they have no host. Stan notices they have Kyle (the Jewish kid) tied up to the sacrifice table. Oh no!

~ Santa flies in and Stan explains. Santa takes out his double gauge shotgun and blows the heads off all the woodland creatures. They untie Kyle.

~ Kyle decides he wants the power that comes with being the host, so he can "make the earth a better place for the jews".

~ Scene switches to kids in classroom with the words "Write your own Christmas Story Day" on the blackboard. Kyle is yelling at Cartman to stop reading because this whole story was all just to rip on him for being Jewish (a common theme between cartman and kyle). Other kids protest and get him to continue story.

~ Kyle realizes being the host burns his soul and wants the antichrist out. Santa says no choice and raises the shotgun.

~ Stan tells the lion cubs "cubs, do what they showed you, do it fast. Get the antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass" as they show an ass abortion, complete with ass bleeding.

~ Santa grants a wish for Stan, which is to bring the momma mountain lion back to life.

~ Everyone lives happily ever after.

OMG. I don't know if it would be possible to be more offensive. But my goodness, it was funny. I obviously don't agree with anything in the cartoon, but I think that's WHY they are able to get away with it - it's all so absurd. The world is a pretty messed up place, but no one could possibly be that offensive in reality.

So I did what they wanted me to. I laughed.

quick comment about the previous post

In seeing some of the first comments, I wanted to note that I'm not really talking about the "title" of infertility. I'm not talking about when someone goes for treatment or when someone admits to themselves they may be the horrible "I" word.

As I said in one of the comments, I have just read a few blogs of late where the author discusses the trials and tribulations of living with infertility - when they've only begun trying! Now, I can totally understand blogs complaining about how shitty it feels to get a BFN. And how much it sucks to be on "C6" or whatever. How crappy it feels to see preggos all around you. But to say they are "dealing with infertility" at that point? No way! Not when they haven't even been trying for a whole year. Not when they have no known issues. Not when they may get the BFP the very next cycle.

These people may actually end up being infertile. And I think infertility, once proven, is part of your being. Part of who you are. It doesn't "start" at some 12 month mark. It doesn't "start" when you find out both your tubes are sealed shut. If you end up finding you are infertile, you had been infertile from the beginning. But to make a fist and shout out to the world how unfair it is to be infertile when you are on your 4th cycle of trying? Um, yeah. Listen closely and you can probably hear my eyes rolling.

Having troubles ttc? Sing it sister! Pour your heart out. It sucks to fail at this. It sucks on C1. It sucks on C7. It SUCKS. But save the infertility song until you have a real reason. Wait until you've been trying for over a year. Wait until you find out there is something really wrong. Wait until you budget your yearly vacation fund for your upcoming IVF treatments. Just wait on the "I" word, because believe me, you don't want to become part of it's definition.

What makes someone an "infertile"?

I'm most likely going to offend someone with my thoughts on this one. It is not my intent for anyone's feelings to be hurt, but this ~is~ MY blog and it's something I've been thinking about. I welcome any comments and please feel free to even let me know if you disagree (like I've ever has a lack of that, eh?). I will try to explain further if it needs to be done.

The official definition: "Infertility primarily refers to the biological inability of a man or a woman to contribute to conception. Infertility may also refer to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancy to full term." And most doctors will give this definition to someone after not being able to get pregnant after the normal 12 months of trying. But is it all wrapped up in a simple time frame?

I'll admit that when I read various infertility blogs, if someone had not been trying for at least a year, I don't have much sympathy for where they are. Don't confuse my lack of sympathy with not feeling bad when they have a failed cycle, for BFNs suck no matter when you get them. But in the whole scheme of things - I figure if they haven't been trying for at least a year, they have no ~clue~ what it feels like to be infertile.

There are exceptions I think about though. What about someone who has two blocked tubes? I would go ahead and put them in the IF category right away. They don't get to try normally like anyone else and they definitely have a special situation. Yet, if their cycle fails, I still don't feel anymore badly for them than I would for anyone else trying in their first year. Failure sucks no matter what and treatment cycle sucks a little bit more because of the added hope and expense, but I just can't get past the fact it's only one of their first cycles trying. I'd also put someone with multiple losses in the category right away to. They may have succeeded multiple times in their first few months of trying, but if loss continues to happen, that's something I couldn't even imagine. But I do know I don't think they have the same kind of newbie-hope I talk about below.

Some people definitely don't believe I should be in the IF category because I have children. And that's okay if those people can't think of me as suffering infertility. But the fact remains that even though I succeeded 2 cycles, there were 32 other cycles that ended in failure. I can't really fault someone ttc#1 for feeling like this. Honestly, I don't think I was able to think of someone who had kids as "infertile". All I can say is you can't judge something until you are in that situation.

I know I already said this, but I did want to reiterate that I still do feel for the failed cycles of those who are under the 12 month mark. I've always said the feeling of failure is the same for everyone - whether they have kids, they are on cycle3 or on cycle 40. It's the rest of their circumstances that is the difference.

So why do I not feel ~as bad~ for someone still under the year mark? I thought about this and I think it's because they still have the chance of normalcy. They still have the chance to conceive in the "normal" time frame. And no, I don't think they get to use the title of "infertile" if they conceive under a year. I think they can say "it took me 11 months to get pregnant and boy, did those failures suck!" but I don't think they get to say they dealt with the sting of infertility.

Why do I care? I don't know. Maybe it's just because I think it's such a shitty thing to have to deal with, I don't want someone who never really felt it to take it for themselves without the fight the rest of us went through. It's like jumping ahead in line.

It's like someone who is 10 lbs overweight going to obesity support groups. Sure, those 10 lbs must suck for them, but they just aren't obese. No one wants to be in either situation, but you can't claim the extreme until you are there. At 10 lbs, you have a good chance you'll lose it without any help and it could be very easy. For someone who had much more than that, it's going to take some work and maybe even some expert help. And unfortunately, it may never come off. And maybe that 10lb-er has a thyroid issue and soon will be a candidate for the support group. And this is where the lines become fuzzy. Just because she doesn't fit into the definition now, doesn't mean she won't next year.

Bottom line is it all sucks. I don't want anyone to ever have to deal with infertility. And I'll say it again, a BFN on any cycle blows.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Post surgical foot & random cellphone picture

Here is a picture of the "after" shot of my foot. Not much to see because it's all wrapped up, but boy, I sure feel that something was done to it.

To be perfectly honest though, it doesn't hurt that bad. Yes, it feels like I have a broken foot, but the meds are keeping the pain under control. My followup appointment is on thursday, so I'll find out the rest of the plan then. My post-op nurse told me they usually remove the pins in this kind of procedure, which would mean yet another surgery. I sure hope not! I really don't want to have ANOTHER surgery. This is it for me. I'll agree to the minor procedure of an ER, but other than that, I'm done.

All in all, everything went well except I had a really bad experience with the anesthesiologist. He had come in pre-op to talk to me, as all anesthesiologists do, to talk to me about the plan and to ask questions. When he came in, my nurse was right in the midst of putting in my IV. As I had mentioned before, I'm a bad stick. 99% of all IVs and blood draws are taken from my hands. The other 1% was from the iv that was stuck into my foot. When anyone starts looking for a vein, I explain how their best bet is in my hand and I specifically ask them to ~not~ go into the arm (inner elbow area). Inadvertantly, I'll get the random nurse who will think she's an awesome stick and will still want to try. Although I protest, a few will insist they have found a good vein and will go for it, only to fail. Literally, I haven't had an arm vein stuck for over a decade.

Anywho, the nurse failed at the right hand and then failed again when she flipped over my hand and tried in my wrist. At this time she said she was just going to leave it up to the "expert", the anesthesiologist, to try again. A little side note - I think the nurses are actually the experts in this area. It's what they do all day, everyday. The doctor grabs a blood pressure cuff and starts explaining that it will pump up my veins for him to get. Yeah, I've been through it, believe me. He starts to look for an inner arm vein and I start to protest again. He says "no, no, no - you have a great vein right here". I continue to say how veins are ~always~ found there, but for whatever reason, they don't end up working. I don't know if they collapse or roll or whatever, but they do not work. But Dr Know It All didn't listen. Soon we was digging around and I started to panic a bit. Sweat started dripping and the nurse gave me oxygen. The digging continued. My arm was tingling and purple from lack of blood from the blood pressure cuff and my eyes were welling with tears, some even making their way out down my cheeks. Another nurse and my surgeon walked in at this time and must've just thought I was a big IV baby, but I was angry and upset. Dr Know It All said something like "I can feel it, but it just won't go it" and I turned to him and said angrily, "Imagine that". He kept digging for what it seemed like eternity until he finally said "It looks like you were right" and he removed it. Asshole. I asked him to just put one in my hand and 8 seconds later, it was in. How much more of an "I told you so" was that?

This is a completely random picture that was in my phone when I went to upload the foot picture. This guy was DRIVING at the time! Seriously. Look at the little patch of window he was using as his windshield. It was barely one swipe of the wiper! And if it couldn't be any worse, the wiper has only cleaned off a stripe from the passenger side to the middle of the driver's side. The snow was piled up on his side.

It scares me that these are the types of people who are out there on the road. He wasn't even making an attempt to clean it off. In fact, we were just at a stop light and he simply sat there. This picture was taken once the light turned green and he had started on his way again. Ack.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Britney Spears and some misc dribble.

As I'm flipping through the Nov 15th copy of Rolling Stone, I see a picture of good ole brit, shaking her stuff her stuff shaking in her MTV Music award bikini. It's a little snipit article of her newest album. And although I have never ever owned nor even listened to a britney album, her car crash scene of a life makes me rubberneck. The album review mentions a line from one of her song "Get Naked", "Maybe I'm a freak, but I don't really give a damn. I'm as crazy as a motherfucker!"


Okay, so I know britney has grown up since her hit me one more time popdom, but dropping the "motherfucker" out in her songs now? Really? I don't really care if she sings it or not, but I just can't hear it in my head. Her? heh.

Underneath the britney review, there is a review for the backstreet boys. First of all, they are in their 30s, so "boys" is a little much, don't you think? Secondly, the review "they are more thoroughly bland and cheesy than ever" made me giggle. Again, I was never a fan. In fact, I probably couldn't name a backstreet boys' song if you put a gun to my head.

The hives new album, "the black and white album" got 4 stars. That's cool. And the dvd of the first season of "Flight of the Conchords" got 3 1/2 stars. I think they were robbed though - they deserve much more. Okay, a 1/2 more since the most is 4 stars.

Have you ever looked at the back pages of a rolling stone called "The Shop"? Funny stuff. Tshirts are actually always my favorite. Today's options are "Former Rockerstar" with a picture of a guy sitting at a desk pushing paperwork and another one with the word "stud" above a picture of a muffin. There is also plenty of things to buy for the person who has it all - Money clips, "Naked Papers AK47 Jumbo Blunt" rolling paper, psoriasis relief cream and Sin In Linen sheets (which are actually quite cool).

From the Vault, the top ten singles when I was 10 years old (1982) are as follows (and with the use of iTunes, a little commentary from me):
1. Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes "Up where We Belong" (once I heard it, I remembered it, but never liked it.)
2. Lionel Richie "Truly" (Same thing, once I heard it, I remembered it. Nice love song, although lionel richie wasn't my pick as a 10 year old kid.)
3. Olivia Newton John "Heart Attack" (I remember the chorus, but that's it. Horrible.)
4. Laura Branigan "Gloria" (Totally remember it. Could sing most of the words still too)
5. Neil Diamond "Heartlight" (Knew it, but my mother loved neil diamond. I blame her for my knowledge on this one)
6. Men at Work "Who Can it Be Now?" (Don't even need to look it up. Loved it then. Still love it. This was the very first record, yes record, I ever bought. Saved up my allowance and everything. I distinctly remember the walk home from the local k-mart, so proud of my purchase and bursting with excitment to play it)
7. John Cougar "Jack & Diane" (Who doesn't know this one?)
8. America "You Can Do Magic" (Once I heard it, remembered. Don't like it.)
9. Michael McDonald "I Keep Forgettin" (Don't remember it at all)
10. Diana Ross "Muscles" (Don't remember it at all)

Sunday, December 16, 2007

My foot will be broken in 17 hours.

The whole aspect of them having to ~break~ my foot and then reset it is freaking me out a bit. Ack.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

POAS advice.

Why do the majority of people always advice to "step away from the sticks!" when someone mentions wanting to poas?

I'm a poas addict. I want it to be like the commercial "know the moment it happens", so I use an obscene amount of hpts each cycle I ttc. Plus, I think Miss Hope is a fucking bitch, so I don't ever want her to get any satisfaction in building unnecessary hope in me. Once I start seeing the BFNs on 10dpo, a little hope goes out the door. Sure, it could still be early, but I know the possibility that it may be the honest answer. This way, I chip away at the hope each day, so when that definitive 14dpo BFN is staring me in the face, it's not a big surprise. Doing it this way also helps me combat symptom obsession, because from experience I know that I don't get symptoms until there the hcg is detectable in my body, so once I see the white stick, I'm off symptom watch. On the flip side, if I ever do get a BFP, I want to enjoy it as long as possible. It's like getting the best present in the entire world and not opening it until later. Hell no, I don't want to wait a week when I can already be enjoying it! :)

Now, if women don't want to poas early, that's fine and dandy! If someone doesn't agree with my way of testing, cool. It's totally a personal decision. Some women would rather NOT know. Some would rather hold onto hope and stay comfy right where they are. Some don't want to get a result, knowing a BFN could be inaccurate. Some women have a harder time emotionally dealing with early BFNs, because it puts them into ultra-obsession mode, whereas the opposite happens with me. Whatever their reasons, I respect their decision.

But that's not my question. I'm not questioning the ~why~ someone wants to wait or ~why~ someone like myself tests early. My question is ~why~ does the majority tell someone wanting to test to NOT test? What is the harm in testing if they want to test? I'm more apt to say "Do what you want - if you want to wait, wait. If you want to test now, know that if you aren't 14dpo, it could be an inaccurate result". Are the women who say "step away from the tests" just the type who wouldn't test early themselves for their own personal reasons? I'm thinking this has to be it, because I don't see why testing early would be bad - it's not going to change the end result in any way. I could see if you only were allowed to test ONE TIME each cycle, you wouldn't want to waste your test on an early test, because I know early does not equal most accurate. But hell, if you have multiple tests, test if you want to. Just know you'll have to test again.

Just a curiosity point. I think I'm just in the minority of wanting to end my possible dreams as early as possible. If most women do want to wait themselves, this would explain why most women advice other women to wait.

I've probably just answered my own question.

Friday, December 14, 2007

yeah, yeah - 3 in a day, but I've got something to say.

Surgeon's office called.

I was expecting a call today, especially because I called her this morning to tell her I couldn't have surgery in the 2nd half of January because of having IUI#3. I told her it'd have to be before Jan 14th or the first half of February.

As she's introducing herself, I'm pulling out my calendar because I recognized the phone number. I'm barely listening to her as I focus in on the date she asks me about. "Monday the 17th?". I'm searching through January and about to say that there is no Monday the 17th in January and she continues "I know it's really short notice, but we had a cancellation and Dr Montross said you would like to get this done quickly".

Yes. I wanted it done quickly, but not 3 days quickly! Holy shit. Took me 6 weeks to get an appointment with the guy 5 days later, I'm scheduled for surgery.


This is unreal. Un fucking real.

It's perfect timing though. Next week, most everyone is out of the office and I was planning on working from home. Then, I'm heading up to Salida with the in laws on Saturday and there's nothing to do there but just hang out. This gives me 4 days to recuperate at home and a four day weekend after that. Plus, I'm on birth control pills so this will not interfere with any TTC business. And I'm end of year insurance and I'm max out of pocket and this surgery will be free. Another thing is we are on a month's break from Roller Derby and I'll need to take 8 weeks off from skating, so this will minimize my time out.

heh. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Seven random things about me.

I've been tagged! I've been tagged! Hoping for a Child tagged me for the "Seven Random Things" list. I'm giddy! I haven't felt this cool since Miss Sara had nominated me for a the Blogger Flame of Fortitude.

Without further adieu, here are my seven things:

1. I have been snowboarding for 17 years.

2. I have had 14 surgeries, not including oral surgery. Only one surgery was elective!

3. When I was 6 years old, I had to have labia reconstruction because of an accident I was in. I fell off of a wooden chair and pretty much split myself in half, if you get my drift. I can honestly say I was devirginized by a dining room chair.

4. Shoes are usually the very first thing I will notice about someone.

5. I'm a tattoo covered roller derby expunkrock girl, yet I am a handbag whore.

6. A line from the Star-Spangled Banner chokes me up everytime I hear it or try to sing it. "And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there."

7. I'm a proud member of the Red Sox Nation. I married into it, yes, but I'll be rooting for the rest of my life.

I'm supposed to tag seven more people for the list. Due to the fact that this has been going around forever, I'm sure most have already done it. Therefore, I'm going to pick all the IF girls who I have had a hand in starting them blogging on their own: beth, katbug, jenn, jen, jewels, monica, and tammy.

Well, at least there's a plan.

Went to RE's office today for followup appointment. We talked about what we could do and what we couldn't do.

Option 1 - Finish taking the 7 more days of estrogen and birth control pills, stop them, allow AF to come and get HSS the following week. BUT ... the office is closed during the entire week of christmas, so I couldn't get in for HSS until the following week. Which would be okay, but starting my period during Christmas week wouldn't allow for a treatment cycle, since I couldn't get in for cd3 baseline u/s or the drugs or the monitoring or anything.

Option 2 - Finish taking the 7 more days of estrogen. Continue taking birth control pills until the HSS scheduled for week when they return (January). Stop birth control pills at the same time as the HSS and start new IUI cycle, if given the okay.

Obviously option 2 is the option I am going for. I'm putting the cycle off for 12 days, but those 12 days will allow me to get a treatment cycle and not a plain ole natural cycle. Another good thing I see if because I did have a weird bonky AF in the middle of the birth control, my HSS on Janu 2nd would be on cd28 of my bcp cycle, so stopping the pill around that time would be more normal for my body.

Countdown to new cycle is about 20 days from now.

Love the tickers, so just had to get a new one!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I can't believe it. ANOTHER surgery.

Oh my freaking god. This is unreal.

After a month or so of skating on derby, I noticed a lump on my my right foot, which is my pushing foot. It's about an inch under my pinkie and it's gotten quite large and VERY sore. I have to put 2 callous pads around it and then duct tape my foot just to skate! And after a day of skating, wearing shoes hurts for a day or so. (here is the blog post I talked about it in.)

I made an appointment with my doctor who referred me to a foot guy. It took 6 weeks to get in with him and I finally had that appointment today. The first thing they did was take xrays.

When he brought up the xray, I thought I wouldn't see anything. Maybe the lump would show up, but I didn't think there'd be anything on the bone. I thought my lump was a callous buildup and maybe I'd have to go get it removed, but I didn't think I would see anything on the xray.

Until I looked at it. Whoa. Imagine this. It's my right foot, so I see the 5 main bones running up to my 5 toes. The 4 left ones (big toe and next 3) are all in line, but they are starting to be smooshed from the right side. My left bone (under the big toe) is pretty straight, but the next 3 are all snuggled up together. And then there is a HUGE space where the next bone should be. Look to the right more and you'll see my right sided bone, BENDING in the middle. The bend goes outward and there is a calcium buildup where my lump is (a bunion) and the 'ends' of the bone is what is pushing my other bones to the left. It's obviously deformed.

Here is an image, but it's on the opposite side of my foot. These before and after xrays show the more common condition, which is under the big toe. Mine is under my little toe:

So to fix this, they need to go in and first shave off the calcium buildup. Then they need to BREAK my bone, reposition it and then pin it back together.

Apparently, the condition I have is genetic. It can be exasperated by certain things (as the condition in the xray above can be brought on my high heels) and he said it was the skating that put me over the edge. But my 17 years of snowboarding wasn't any help either, since I was pushing on the same foot edge. He said that I would of eventually had to have this surgery, but it may not have presented itself for years. After a time, it would just keep growing out sideways until I wouldn't be able to stand it anymore.

I have three options:
A) Do nothing. Stop skating when I can't handle the pain anymore. Just live with it until I can't deal with it anymore and then get surgery sometime in future.
B) Get 1/2 the surgery done now. He said he can shave off the bunion and I could live with it until it got bad again. He said skating will most likely just create another bunion immediately, so he suggests if I go with this option, I need to stop skating at the very least.
C). Get the entire surgery done. I'll be off my skates for 6-8 weeks, but I'd be able to walk in the days after surgery.

Heh. It's getting funny at this point.

I talked to him about it.

I thought of a way I could bring this sore subject up with him.

I started off by saying ~"I'm sorry that you feel so defensive when I bring up anything negative to you ..." and then I talked about how 90% of the time, I know whatever it was, wasn't done on purpose. I talked about needed to talk about these things though, as if something was just said, it may not ever be an issue again - it's how we can grow.

He asked "If you already pointed it out, why do I have to say anything at all? It's obviously already out there, so I don't see why it needs to be said again". And I said ~"It's because I need you to acknowledge it. When you don't, I feel like I'm your mother. I feel without the two way street, it's me nagging and you saying 'okay'. I need you to acknowledge your roll in something, even if it wasn't something you meant to do"

He went into the ~classic~ retort of "Well, it's the way you say it." So just to appease him, I said "yes, and I need help in how to say things so you won't take it badly, because I've been trying different ways of saying things for 8 years now. I explained how when I'm pissed about something, yeah, I'm going to have that immediate reaction, but that's such a minority of the conversations.

Then I went into simple examples of appropriate responses instead of "okay". (ie: I had one of something and he eats it. When I ask "Did you eat such and such? I was saving that for me!". If he could just respond with "Yeah, I did eat it, I'm sorry - I didn't know" instead of "You didn't tell me, how am I supposed to know?". I explained that even though I know he didn't do it on purpose, I am the one without such and such and his response turned the tables on how it was somehow MY fault and I'm in the wrong.

I then brought up "Like this morning, I was obviously wanting someone to be in post op for me and when you called 45 minutes later ... " and he cut me off. He got visibly pissed off and said that he didn't even KNOW he had to pick me up. He said he was with the kids, getting them ready and suddenly a nurse calls him out of the blue." I explain how I DID talk to him about it, at least 3 times, even right before I left. He just said "well, I don't remember that. I thought you were going to drive yourself".

Oh. My. God.

And that's when I walked out of the room and cried. Um, his wife was having SURGERY! Just because I've done this 4 times doesn't make me an old hat at recovery. He thought I would drive myself? WTF? It broke my heart. It's like he didn't care that I was doing all of this for US to have a baby. Like I just went in for a massage for myself or something. It was terrible.

He comes in and starts being really nice (this is the way he works. He first has to stew about it. Then he'll be nice. Then he'll come in and talk sanely about it, usually with an apology). So he's being nice and then a few hours later, he comes in and says he was sorry about this morning. That he should of been there and it should have been important to him. I started sobbing, telling him how it just broke my heart that he didn't care. he just sat there and hugged me.

So this was good. I was able to talk about something that's been bothering me for 8 years. The hardest part was it was bring up to how he responds badly to anything negative, which was negative in itself. I never knew how to bring it up, but after blogging last night, I knew I had to do it, since it was obviously a big issue for me.

And he'll be better. Although he doesn't take in through right away, after the whole "stew-nice-sorry" cycle, he ends up actually working on whatever it was we talked about. I couldn't ask for anything more really. It will get better now. What a weight off my back.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A vent about males in general? Or just my husband?

I swear, sometimes I don't see the difference in me being hubby's mother or his wife.

He doesn't "take well" to negative things being said to him. Anything at all. For example, he was organizing some of his work crap in the garage last night. We were in the midst of the winter blizzard hitting half of the nation, so it was cold and he put the little space heater on. Well, he's got the greatest memory (said with the most sarcasm I can muster) and he's always forgetting to turn shit off when he's done using it. Which lead me to a wonderful surprise this morning, when I went in the garage to start my car this morning, warming it up before leaving for surgery, I saw that the heater was on - glowing bright red. Nice! It pissed me off and I wanted to go throttle him in his sleep, but instead, I just took note of it.

Tonight, after he totally blew me off all day - on a day I had freaking surgery and needed a little help (okay, that's another issue all together) - I mention "hey, you left the heater on in the garage all night." What does he say in response? "Okay" and walks out of the room.

Now this is where I don't know if it's just an issue I have with MY male, or if all males have this problem. Why in the hell can't he just accept he did something "wrong" and say "oh gosh, I'm sorry!" or anything that accepts blame? I know he didn't do it on purpose, but something more than "okay" - is it really too much to ask for? I've got plenty of options he could have said "Whoops!" "Whoa! I didn't mean to!" "Shit, I did?" "I am so lucky I didn't burn down the house by my stupid fucking mistake" "I gotta make sure I don't do that again" "sorry."

Any of those would of been acceptable. But instead, I get "okay".

I don't know if it all goes back to him being an only child and having everything done for him. He's a momma's boy - always way, always will be. It annoys me to no end, but I knew what I was getting into before I married him, so there is no one to blame here but myself. I just didn't understand that I was in for a lifetime of NEVER being able to say anything that is negative to him - whether it was a simple mistake, something he just didn't know or something I am actually pissed at because it was done on purpose.

Like this morning. I am in post op. I just got out of my 4th uterine surgery. I've got about the worst cramps ever and I just want to get home. I've been waiting for him to get me for almost 45 minutes and my cell phone rings. It's him asking me if I was at a certain surgery center. Um, no - "I'm at the one 3 minutes from the house. Are you AT the other place?" I ask, obviously annoyed. Hey, I'm in pain. I've been waiting for my husband to be there after I wake up. I'm not in the best of moods for errors regarding this situation. What does he say in response? "Oh hunny, I'm so sorry! I can't believe I'm not there. I must have not listened when you told me the details of the surgery, I'll be there as soon as I can!". Instead, I get "You didn't tell me where you were going to be!!! I'll be there in a few minutes". Click. Yeah. CLICK.

My husband is the greatest husband in pretty much all other aspects. I would have to say my only real issue with him is this very thing. He gets very defensive whenever ANY sort of negative issue comes his was. I don't know why he's like this, but it really really really sucks. I've gotten to where I don't even say anything anymore. And that's not going to work in the long run because I'll explode one day. I know I have my issues too, I'm definitely not saying I'm the angel, but I wish he'd be easier to talk to in these situations.

I know he wanted to be there for me and I know he was frustrated that he wasn't there AND he was obviously in the wrong place due to miscommunication. I know this. But that's the problem, I don't want to just "know" this. I want it to be reflected in his actions. Without it, I'm afraid of the future.

Out of surgery.

Surgery went as planned and I'm already home. RE says he believes he got it all, but we'll need to wait until the post op HSS to really see, since he thought he got it all last time (due to the nature of scar tissue, more could grow post-op).

Good news is - NO BALLOON! Yipee! At least I think there is no balloon. I'm still medicated from the post-op pain, so I wouldn't quite feel it yet, but I do think he said he didn't have to put one it. Which is fantabulous news!

Hoping I'll just have some mild cramping today with a full recovery by tomorrow. I have a roller derby skate-a-thon tomorrow night, so I hope I'm all good!

Anywho, just wanted to give my update. Thank you to all who sent me kind thoughts and prayers.

Wait - I just remembered a part of the conversation. I think he said he removed a polyp that was in there too. What's that all about? When did that appear? And why do these doctors give us information when we are all groggy from anesthesia?

Monday, December 10, 2007


I wrote an entry earlier tonight and I had to do some explaining on it. I have started to notice that if I need to explain something, I probably didn't write it with the right tone. So just in case it would have offended anyone, I took it down. I'm just nervous before the surgery in the morning and I may be writing more sarcastically than I really mean it.

Have a good evening and wish me luck on the surgery. I have be there in 9 hours. Ack!

Secondary Blog

I wanted to take a moment to talk about the second blog I have created. While this one will remain my main blog, I created another one to blog about my children. It's obviously going to be one big blog of triggers for my IF readers, since it'll be completely about my kids. But it's going to be a place for me to talk about some pretty important things in my life, without having to worry about pushing it too far to anyone else.

The blog is TheOtherLifeOfNancy and is listed in my profile. I won't be advertising it here for the most part, but I may mention an update here and there when it's something I'm bursting at the seems to share.

Surgery and other thoughts.

Surgery #4 is tomorrow, which means the hydration project starts today. I have horrible veins. Just terrible. So bad that when I've gone in to donate blood, I'm sent away after a handful of nurses try to find a big enough arm vein.

Blood donation needles are rather large, hence them sending me away. But even those little iv needles? Yup. Issues! No one has gotten anything out of my arms for years and years, so we always start with the hand. I rarely ever only have to get stuck once. My personal record was 11 times. They've had to resort to a foot IV once - that was pretty strange. But my average is 3 sticks. Hydration helps though. Last time, I really really really over hydrated myself the day before and even though I spent a hellish night peeing every 15 minutes, it only took one stick. So I say bring on the water!

I'm working from home today. I actually have a lot of "busy work" to get done and I do it much better without all the distractions of the office. It's also day 3 of snow and although the roads are probably FINE to drive on by now, looking outside my windows I only see white white white, so it's a nice day to stay snuggled inside. The only problem staying at home is I can't get my morning coffee! Damn.

I usually sit in my office when I work from home. No TV. No distractions. But today, I'm taking advantage of my great new laptop and wireless connection and I'm sitting on the couch. Which means the tv is on in front of me and it's spewing out bad daytime tv. I will admit that my guilty pleasure is court tv shows. The bad ones like Judge Mathis, Divorce Court, The People's Court. I love it (but couldn't watch it on a daily basis). Anywho - these people amaze me in what they sue each other for. I have noticed a pattern though. One, never get a cell phone for anyone ever. Two, if you lend someone money, especially a girl/boyfriend or family, get it in writing. I can't believe the amount of people who say "It was a GIFT!". Yeah. Sure.

Christmas gifts to the service sector is my next topic (no segway there, sorry). How many of you give gifts to the people who "do" for you? I get gift certificates for everyone and I got them all out this morning. Mailman, Milkman and Garbage Man are all taken care of. But I am having problems with the paper boy. I have no idea who our paperboy is and he comes so early, what am I going to do? Sit outside in the dark with a card? I'm going to call the paper, but I don't think they'll be able to help me. Ugh. We used to have a paperboy who would put in a card in our paper early in the season, so we'd have his return address. That was smart if you ask me.

What about tips for the people who regularly do something for you? (hair, massage, nails, etc). I just read an article how it's customary to give your person a Holiday tip the size of the service you are getting. I can't afford that! I can barely afford the $130 cost of my hair appointment as it is! Another $130 on top of that? I just had a massage and I gave him $100 when I usually give him $60. So I guess that's pretty good. Damn. I have a hair and esthetician appointment coming up too. Maybe I should try to schedule all my appointments around the month of December? (wink~wink).

Alright, enough distraction from work. I need to get to it since I'm not getting paid to blog. Although that would be nice, eh?

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Go to church, get shot.

There was a shooting today in my town. Apparently a gunman walked into one of those "mega" churches today and opened fired in the main foyer. The security guard returned fire and killed him.


I didn't even know about it because I spent the weekend as snow days. We were lucky enough to be blanketed with snow and we actually got quite a bit. I watched bad movie after bad movie today - all from the warmth of my bed. I heard about it when the phone calls started pouring in to make sure we were okay.

All my well wishes to the victims today. Although I always wish well the vicitms of everything horrible that happens everyday in our world, when it's literally down the street, it sits a little bit more on the forefront of my mind.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

statistics of the last 6 years.

(children mentioned)

My "ttc anniversary" is coming up. The beginning of the next month marks the 6 year anniversary of when I first started ttc#1.

Ahhh, the innocence I had back then. Although I used OPKs from the very first month, so I never left a cycle up to chance, I had no idea "TTC" would entail so much.

Stats from 01/02 - 12/07:
~ 72 months
~ 34 cycles/months spent ttc
~ 18 1/2 months spent pregnant
~ 19 months spent ~not~ ttc and ~not~ pregnant.

I find it amazing almost half of my last 6 years were spent ttc! When I think of how much I've done in the last 6 years, I just didn't realize almost half of my time was spent charting cycles, peeing on sticks, hoping and 94% of my cycles ending in Big Fat Disappointments. I'm not going to ignore the other 6% though. That 6% accounts for 2 of 34 cycles which ended in the two little girls running around my living room at this very moment. Two little girls who woke up entirely too early, making me grumpy.

Then I think about my 32 cycles of disappointment. Although they all sucked, it's not as bad as many other IFers have it. I read plenty of blogs of girls who have surpassed my itty bitty mark of 32 failures. And in breaking it down more, I've never gone over 17 cycles without a success.

And that puts things into perspective for me. Fuck yes I still hate my BFNs. And I hate not getting a chance right now. And 34 cycles of ttc IS a lot of cycles. And I have every right in the world to be pissed off. But I have to think of the good things too - this is where that perspective comes in. I have 2 beautiful (in my eyes) little girls. I ~have~ succeeded. Twice. And while the disappointment of these cycles are just as horrible as the disappointment I had when I was trying for my first, I need to remember - perspective.

Bah. Who am I kidding? It's hard to live in anyone else's shoes but your own. It's hard to look at anything else but the daily life right in front of you. Perspective and comparisons would be great to have. But all I can think of is the crap of surgery #4 in the midst of C15. And I don't like it. Maybe I'll leave that "be a better person" stuff for another day.

Friday, December 7, 2007

The good news keeps pouring in ...

Met with RE this morning about my surgery. (pre-op).

First thing said was "oh no. Not more uterine surgery for you. I've already SEEN in there". He was funny and gave me a hug. Dr Dick is starting to get on my good side. Whattya know.

Secondly he looked at the scans done by the other RE and said "Fuck! It's kissing in there!". He said that about the webbing. Which made me laugh again. Anyone who uses the word "fuck" inappropriately is good in my book.

Thirdly he said he may put in another balloon. When I protested, he seemed to care and said we could do the heavy doses of estrogen instead. As he was writing, I said "actually, that's what we did with the surgery the OB did for me and my lining never responds too well to estrogen. So if you'd be relying on that instead of using something that will work better (balloon), it may not work." He sat there and thought for a moment. He said he would be relying on that and he's glad I told him (grrrr.) and that a balloon would be the smarter way to go.

I then asked him if he could tie the balloon up into a fun balloon animal. Maybe a poodle.

He turned to me and said "Is that a poodle between your legs or are you just happy to see me?"

Yes. He's ~that~ inappropriate. But I laughed because to ME, it was just fine that he said it.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Upcoming surgery is freaking me out.

(beware ... major whining ahead!)

As anyone reading may already have seen, my third uterine surgery failed. It failed to get my oven in shape to receive any buns for baking. It's still on the fritz.

And I have another surgery in 5 days.

I'm really freaked out about this one. The first one wasn't actually for ~this~ problem. It was an endo lap, so I shouldn't count it. The second surgery was the one that tried to fix the inside of the uterus. Since I went with my OB instead of my RE, I was able to rationalize the failure with the fact I didn't go with the "expert". I figured I made a bad decision and was paying for it by having to endure a third surgery. But when that 3rd surgery failed - the surgery performed by the expert - well, that one got to me.

This is the last chance to get my oven in working condition. They are not going around the sides anymore, they are just going to try to "snip" it out. The amount of scar tissue being built from the surgeries alone is going to start damaging the oven to where it's unrepairable. This is my final service call. This is it.

It's really hard for me to go through month after month and not being able to join in a cycle of trying. I know there are a lot of other girls who fall into the "no chance" category, as in they try to no avail to ovulate, but it's hard to explain, especially to them, how it feels to not even get the chance to try. I understand the outcome is the same in both cases and they equally suck ass, but there's something about having a plan and having the hope of "maybe this will work" that I yearn for. I can't tell you if the bigger diappointment of failed hope is worse than the daily disappointment of no hope at all or vice versa, but I don't really think that matters. It all sucks.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The ~cutest~ bow holder EVER!

(children mentioned)

Look at this bow holder I just got!!!

I purchased it from Bambina Ballerina, which is a the home business of a friend of mine.

She makes these beautiful bow holders, which not only do I desperately need, but I just ~love~ so much. See, Ella's hair is out of control. I want it to be long and all one length, so I need to hold the front of her hair back. I do this using barrettes and bows. For everyday going to school things, I use those cheapo plastic barrettes, but for everything else, I've been buying really cute hair bows. I obviously want to keep the nice ones organized, but I also need a place for the cheapos too. No matter how cheap something is, it adds up when you have to keep buying them.

Well, this product is it. You just clip on the barrettes/bows on the ribbons and voila! Organization.
The girls just love it too. But then again, what little girl ~wouldn't~ want a complete ballerina outfit hanging in their room/bathroom? And what mother wouldn't want to organize these little things that are used every day? Last thing I need is another basket full of stuff.

And yes, I know the woman who makes these. But I'm totally ~not~ trying to kiss ass here. First of all, when have any of you seen me kiss ass? (it's kind of funny too, because me and this woman haven't always gotten along. We do now and I totally respect her and she IS my friend, but it's a little humorous side note). Secondly, I'm not trying to "sell" this to any of you. I ~am~ recommending this, totally, because I love it to death. But I surely don't get diddly for telling you about this, but you will get diddly out of this because if you have a girl, if you are having a girl or you have a girl in the future, this is something you ~need~ to know about!

Okay, back to the previously scheduled IF crying/whining. I never gush over products, but this one thrilled me more than the average "thing". Which reminds me, I got the most beautiful gift from my friend and ttc buddy, Jewels. She sent me an entire gift package of ttc gifts/talismans, which I want to take the time to blog about. I would talk about them right here, but it needs to be its own post, definitely. I've been meaning to tell you all about it for awhile now and I kick myself in the ass for not doing it yet, but I will soon.

AF sucks.

AF usually means a new "beginning" to start trying again. Even on a tab cycle, it's at least the beginning of that break. Another cd1 closer to when you get to try again.

But this cd1 isn't anything. It's a day I get cramps and spend money on tampons. I still would have had surgery next week if I didn't get a weird period. I still will have to take at least 4 weeks of meds after my surgery before I'm allowed to induce a cycle.

So this cd1 means absolutely nothing. All it does is add another cycle to the ttc tally. And it really kinda sucks.

Here's a new one. cd1

It was supposed to be cd20 today. I'm ON birth control pills. Yet I started bleeding heavy like cd1 this morning.


I have a call into RE's nurse, so we'll see (man, I'm sending them the gift baskets right now). My surgery is still 6 days away, so that should still go as planned, but weird-o.

update: I'm to double up on birth control pills tonight and tomorrow and everything proceeds as normal.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The 3rd towel rack is down for the count.

My husband broke the ~third~ towel rack this morning. And of course, he did it in "tommy boy" style ... Put his towel somewhere else so when I put my towel on the rack, it crumpled down to the floor.

He uses the rack as a freaking handle when he dries his feet when he gets out of the shower. I'm so seriously annoyed.

Monday, December 3, 2007

What's that smell?

Sara had quite a funny post recently, in which I wanted to reply the following conversation I with my OB one day. It got to be too damned long for a comment, even for me, so I'm posting it here.

Scene - I was sitting in the exam room of my OBs office, waiting for my turn. Since I was naked from the waist down, the reading materials within arm's length were pretty limited. What I ended up with was a flip chart of gyno diseases. I had flipped to a particularly nasty looking picture and started to read to learn more about it. The description I read was ~"... distinguished by green frothy discharge ..." and at that exact moment, my ever smiling and wonderful OB walks in.

Dr looks at me questionably due to the look of horror and disgust I wore.
Me: "frothy?"
Dr: "Oh yes. It's quite smelly too."
Me: "Oh my god. And poor you, these rooms have very little ventilation!"
Dr: Laughing, "Comparatively speaking, the smell isn't too bad, but there are times I wish I could open a window."

I look at him with the "please continue" quizzical look on my face. He has known me for almost 4 years at this time and we always joke around, so he continues without me having to ask.

Dr: "There are two horrible smells in this world. Number one is a GI bleed."

This was kind of funny to me to begin with, as one of my best friends was a nurse in the GI (Gastrointestinal) lab at the time and she always told me the gross stories. These stories made another one of our friends literally gag each and every time. Well, just a day or so before this exchange between me and my OB, my nurse friend told me they go through cans and cans and cans of "fecal odor eliminator" whenever a patient had an "issue". She said if you woke up in the GI lab after a procedure with the smell of deodorizer all around, it meant you shit yourself, which I found hilarious.

Me: "Ah, I've actually heard this. And does the number two smell have anything to do with 'froth'?"
Dr: "Number two is the smell of a lost tampon."
Me: "Oh my."
Dr: "Yes. I have to hold my breath once I am about to pull it out. I wear two rubber gloves, folding it in the first glove as I remove it. Then I put it directly into a plastic bag and have a nurse take it out to put in the hazardous waste immediately. I have a third nurse in the room just so I can have it taken out right away. And the smell lingers."

I'm looking a bit shocked.

Me: "Gross. And this happens often?"
Dr: "More times that you'd think."
Me: "Really? Like more than once a year?"
Dr: "We usually get one a week."


I just spent $880.47

On my lunch break, I started (and finished) Christmas shopping. Previous to today, I did have the PS3 I got the hubby already. Oh - and I had 2 movies for the kids, but other than that - Nada. And now it's already over.

I'm not completely done really. I still have to buy the following:
~ gift card for brother
~ material to make blanket for hubby's aunt
~ gift cards for: milkman, mailman, garbageman and paperboy
~ candy for stocking stuffers

In regards to all the presents I had to buy everyone, I'm done. And thank goodness, cause I'm just about flat ass broke.

Ugh. I don't even want to think about the wrapping I have ahead of me.

Seriously, slept through the night at under 4 weeks?

My poll is still going down below, but I'm amazed there has been ~three~ voters who have said "under 4 weeks"!!!

First of all, I'm simply insanely jealous. I've only been sleeping through the night for a little more than 3 months now (since that is when #2 decided she'd do it) and I couldn't imagine how it would be if I've been sleeping for more than 2 years! ahhhh.

Secondly, I just can't comprehend it. Really? 4 weeks? Like a full night? If so, this leads me to my question. And I am ~not~ questioning any one's parenting skills here at all. But only repeating what was told to me by my breastfeeding book. I read, which quite surprised me, (paraphrased) ~"A newborn breastfed baby will happily starve itself to death while sleeping". Yeah. It was said that bluntly. Of course, my pediatrician didn't tell me it like that, but he did say I needed to wake the baby because breast milk digests very quickly, hence the need of having to wake them up to eat every two hours. He said to only do this for the first 4-6 weeks, afterwards, let them sleep if they do.

So, for the ones who had early sleepers, were they formula fed? Were they breastfed and they would sleep through the night if you didn't wake them? Or was your information about having to wake them not forced down your throats like it was mine? Did they sleep like this from early on and that's just how it was? They've slept through the night since under 4 weeks?

I know if I was the mother being asked this line of questioning, I would feel defensive and offended. So please understand I am not asking anyone it like I even think for a moment anyone was starving their children! I strongly believe many different types of feeding (breastfed, formula, early cereal) and schedules of feedings (every 2 hours, waking, not waking, etc) are completely up to the mother and child. Mothers know their babies and know then they need to eat. I'm simply just curious because of the information given to me and for the experience I had.

That's it. I'm just curious and if anyone wants to answer, please do. If you want to tell me to stick it up my ass, you can do that too! What I expect to hear is that information of waking up a baby to eat wasn't told to everyone or wasn't made to be so important, especially if it wasn't within the past 3 short years. And, the whole thing of "starving to death" is just plain silly. While a newborn baby who sleeps may be ~really~ hungry when they wake up on their own, and they may have even eaten if woken up during their sleep, it's not like going a night without food would starve them! I think my book said that for emphasis and it scared the brand new mother in me. And, of course, I'm still jealous there are babies out there who are good sleepers!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

(updated, please revote!) Those with children, take my poll!

(updated - for those who voted, please vote again! It was pointed out how I had the list wrong and I missed quite a chunk of time! Ack. Please revote for me, please?)

I put up a poll over on the right side, down below the BlogHer ad. I've allowed the ability to give multiple answers, so please answer one time for each child you have.

I had to redo the poll since someone voted while I was writing it, so it wouldn't allow me to add in any more answer options. Sorry to whomever voted already!

My experience was ~so~ different with each child. Ella, my angel from the beginning, slept through the night at 11 weeks. And I'm not talking the technical definition of 6 hours. I'm talking 9pm-7am. She was exclusively breastfed, so this was quite a feat! (She could have even done it earlier, but you know how you have to ~wake~ a sleeping breastfed baby to eat for those first few months.)

This is actually why I chose to ttc again so quickly. Well, not entirely. Since it took so long to conceive Ella, I thought I'd get those BFN months behind me. But if on the slim chance I did conceive quickly, I was okay with it. (heh. Little did I know!)

Allison slept through the night starting on the night of her 2nd birthday. (I actually asked her to do it in her birthday card as a joke. Who knew that it would be all it took! I'd of asked over a year before!) In those first 2 years, she slept through maybe 4 times total - and those were random. She's wake up, on average, 3-10 times a night. We tried everything. Noise. Quiet. Chilly. Warm. Something with my scent. Footed jammies. No jammies. In between jammies. Swaddling. Feeding before bed. No feeding before bed. Different bedtimes. Cry it out. Sippy cups. You name it, we tried it. Our pediatrician said that it's just the personality of some babies. Hubby and I took turns waking up at first, but we would both be zombies. So we decided to switch nights completely. I'd wear earplugs since I would hear her on his night too, like any mother would. At least this way, every other night was a night of sleep for us.

This made me wonder what your experience was! Let me know! Please answer my poll and feel free to comment.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

I've lost 12 pounds!

I weighed in this morning to see the numbers 1-4-0!

Pretty exciting! I was at my very heaviest a few months ago, 152 lbs, which is what prompted me to start the "delivery diet" of pre-packaged foods. My God, the food sucks so much ass, it's like a ass vacuum, but I'm losing. I've really only lost 5 lbs on the diet, as the other 6 was lost in the months before starting it.

This diet is so terrible. I shouldn't say the diet. The diet, meaning my eating plan, is great. The main entree portions are small, which is training my brain to know just how much I really should serve myself. Along with the main entrees, lots of fruits and veggies go along with it. I was quite shocked when I found out just how much ~more~ food I had to buy/prepare on my own, but I'm glad it worked out this way. Due to the food sucking so much, there are many, many, many times I can't eat it. I just can't. I just can't tell you enough how BAD the food is. But due to all the fruits and veggies on the menu, I'm never hungry.

I wonder how much the scale would show in lost pounds if I wasn't working out in derby so hard. I am gaining muscle, no doubt about it, so that's most likely showing less of a loss because of it.

I'm not worried about it at all, in fact I'm glad I'm gained muscle. This was me at 125 pounds:

(trigs in next paragraph - children mentioned)
I was so freaking skinny, yet I had zero muscle tone. It was around 8 lbs after having #2 and it was so crazy around the house, a newborn, a 16 month older baby and then going back to work after 6 months - well, I pretty much didn't eat. So I call this my "anorexic diet". Totally unhealthy, I know. I told myself it was all due to portion control, because when I did eat, I ate small portions, but the other 75% of the time, the portion was ~nada~. But it only lasted a few months because as soon as Allison was a bit older and easier to manage, things started to get back to normal.

I'm 5'7" and when at "perfect" weight (in my eyes), I wear a size 6 and I am between 130-135 pounds. Right now, at 140, I'm still in a size 8, but I can start to fit into my 6 pants. My problem areas are my belly, butt and thighs (so strange for a woman, right?) so getting into the pants is always the last step.

Enough blabbering about myself. I know this is my blog and all, but these kinds of posts are the most boring if you ask me. Thanks for letting me go on and on and on and on and ......

(even bigger triggers here. Not only are children mentioned when I'm crying about being infertile all the time, but I'm about to do the unthinkable. Complain about what I have.)
I just wanted to take a moment to explain just how freaking HARD it was to have two babies 16 months apart. A little background info: before Ella was born, one of my best friends (and neighbor) had twins. Oh my god, that was hard for her! I saw on a daily basis just how hard it was, how she pretty much got zero rest because if it wasn't one baby needing her, it was the other. And if not one or the other - it was both. This terrified me of ever having twins, but I saw how she fell into a schedule and grew to ~know~ her babies and their needs and things got easier. After that, I wasn't scared anymore.

When I got pregnant when the first was only 6 months old, I wasn't scared about how I would handle it. But boy, was I wrong. See, for me at least, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The first was too little to understand just how easy it would be to hurt the baby accidentally. Once Allison was born, I was no longer the exhausted mother of a newborn and a 16 month old, but I held a new role: "Protector". When I had the first, it was hard at first, yes. But I learned how to rest when I needed to. I learned how to get things done when the baby was sleeping or just hanging out. When Allison was born, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't leave the baby laying on her blanket in the middle of the floor to go make myself a sandwich. I couldn't leave the baby sleeping in her swing to run and take a shower. I couldn't leave the baby out of my sight. If I did (which I learned the hard way), I would come back, seconds later to see Ella sitting on Allison's head. Or holding a pillow over her face. It was all perfectly innocent, but I never thought I would have to say things like "Ella, please don't smother your baby sister".

I guess all I'm saying is it was hard. So hard I don't even remember those first 9ish months of Allison's life except from pictures and video. I don't know if I simply erased it from my memory or if I never retained it in the first place. I don't really know why I'm even talking about it either. I guess it's just because I was talking about my extreme weight loss (190 at birth and 65 lbs lost in under 8 months) and got to thinking. I wouldn't change it for the entire world now, but I can tell you with 100% certainty, I wouldn't ever do it again. And now I'm paying for it because I waited 14 months to ttc again. I wish I would have started earlier now, but then again, I kinda don't.