What is Infertility?

I posted this on my "pregnancy after infertility" (PAIF) message board and got great responses. So I thought I would also pose that question here. Except I need to make it a little more broad, as I'm not asking a specific group this time.

My original question was really focused on those who have graduated from the ttc world and declared themselves pregnant "after infertility". There are so many different stories on our board, I was interested in each person's own definition.

What if you experienced IF with your first and you got pregnant 'easily' with your second? Are you still PAIF?

What if you had an issue which wouldn't allow you to become pregnant on your own (ie: annovulatory or lack of tubes) and you got pregnant in just a few months with a few treatments? Are you still PAIF?

What if it wasn't a year, you had a few failed treatments and then got pregnant on a 'natural' cycle? Are you still PAIF?

Those are the blurry spots for the classic definition of infertility. And for whomever is answering that question for themselves, I will accept it whole heartedly. Infertility is such a personal journey.

Some things were brought up that I wasn't going to focus on. The levels of infertility. But I don't really want to start comparing who has it worse. How could anyone begin to judge that? What if I had a child and then had 5 failed IVFs for #2? Would I be "more" infertile than someone who was ttc#1 and had 2 failed IVFs? What if I was someone who didn't have tubes and failed my very first IVF which was only my first ever month ttc? Would I be "less" infertile than someone who had been trying naturally for 12 months without success? What about someone with multiple miscarriages? Are they more fertile than someone who didn't get a positive in the same amount of time? I just don't think these are questions that could ever be answered.

For those ttc#1, what is the definition of IF to you?

Are you infertile only if you fall into the "ttc for 12 months without a successful pregnancy"?

What about if you don't ovulate or have tubes or some other issue, even MF? Are you deemed "infertile" off the bat? Or does there need to be a few failed medically intervening tries before you get the fabulous title of "infertile"?

There is obviously no right or wrong answers here. I was just super impressed with the caliber of answers I got on the PAIF board, I wanted to expand it here. I'll put my answer in the comments.

He's back.

I updated the "It's missing" post two posts down.

Just a little question ...

There are about a half a dozen of people in my reader who are pregnant and their posts lately have really been nothing more than just a cut/paste of "what is happening this week in your pregnancy".

And I understand it's their blog and they can post anything they want. I'm definitely not suggesting they shouldn't have this in their blog. But ... my question is ~why~ is it in their blog? Are they putting it out their for family members and friends to know what's happening with the pregnancy? Are they just stuck for lack of anything else to blog about?

I just don't know how or what to respond to these types of blogs. I feel rude when I just click away because I have absolutely nothing to say more than "Yup, that's what's going on."

So tell me - when you come across these blogs, what kinds of comments do you have? Do you actually read them? And if you are someone who does this in their blog, are you looking for certain comments?

I certainly sound rude no matter what right now because it's like I am dissing what some are blogging about. But as I've seen so many blog this way over the past 2 years, I'm simply getting up the balls to ask this to my readers. So please forgive me. I know I blog about things that other people could ask the same question to!

----
Update ... I am NOT talking about blogging about baby updates. I'm talking about cutting and pasting the generic "ba.by c.enter" or "we.bm.d" emails about each week of pregnancy.

It's missing

(fyi ... this is a belly picture post. I usually don't post warning when I talk about the pregnancy, but words and pictures are two totally different things I think.)

I went to bed last night with a belly. It looked something like this:



And as I walk around today, I noticed I don't look pregnant at all anymore. Like AT ALL. I look like this now:



You can't really tell from the bare belly. Let me go take another picture with the pants on right and shirt over it ...



See?!? Seriously, What. The. Fuck.? Where did it go? I mean, come on!

I think the baby turned, as he was horizontal across my belly and now he's vertical because I'm feeling massive kicking right above my pubic bone. But even so, how can that change so much? Weird.

I bet I could go into a bar, order shots and no one would even think to give me a dirty look.

--------
~Updated~

I found him! And check it out, he was just where I left him. Silly boy.

Oy vey.

I have been sick this weekend and have watched entirely too much tv. But when you are saddled with a low grade fever, it makes anything else just seem like too much.

I have watched the worst tv this weekend. The worst. I'm not even going to admit what I've watched.

I did get a laugh out of one man yelling "recuperate now!" which just seemed like something the poor guy couldn't just do.

And I did get to watch a brand new Entourage and coming up next - "The Life of Tim". Gotta love HBO.

Until tomorrow ...

Daycare costs ...

I mentioned daycare costs a few down and wanted to explain something. This is totally ~not~ a daycare vs SAHM thing - for whatever you choose, it's your choice. I'm simply explaining why it's good for US. That's it.

Sure, my cost of $2,182.29/month is a lot for me to pay and it may be cheaper to hire someone to come into my home (although I know a nanny is more expensive!). But the reasons I will continue to pay this is:
~ It's temporary and as the girls get into kindergarten, it will go down.
~ I will be able to keep my place in my career without a reintroduction period. With three children, we need to be a two income family. And unfortunately, one of us don't have spectacularly paid careers that can support us all comfortably. So, we both must work.
~ Daycare centers are what I like better because of the checks and balances they provide over a single person taking care of my children.

I'm just hopeful that everyone out there who needs it, finds a solution that works for them.

My TTC Predictions

I'm actually writing this Friday night, but I'm gonig to schedule it to publish tomorrow so I don't look like such a freak posting ~four~ times in one day.

Before I wrote this blog, I had another blog for over a year. It was the exact same as this one, but I didn't handle the mean anonymous comments the right way and instead of ignoring them, I responded. I ended up with too many haters who simply would not leave me alone so in frustration, I simply deleted my blog one day. It still pisses me off to think about because I had nothing backed up. I lost an entire YEAR of posts.

One of those posts was an entry I kept updated. It was all the TTC predictions I had been gathering from when I started TTC.

Just tonight, I actually FOUND a link to my previous feed. And while the blog didn't exist, I still had the first few lines saved. (For the date prediction, it was either conception or delivery or find out date. Lots of options to get that one right!) Here they all are:

~ The Great Tammy Whammy said: "boy & date will start with an 'M'" --> It ~is~ a boy and the conception date did start with an M. Score: 2 out of 2.

~ Cheri said: "boy & November" --> It is a boy, but November had nothing to do with it. Score: 1 out of 2.

~ Angel said: "boy & March & 5" --> This one was pretty cool. She had first said she was fuzzy on "march" but said for certain the number 5 is in there. Well, as it turns out, it is a boy, the IVF cycle which brought me my frozen totsicle was in March and the ET was on 5/05, which brought me my pregnancy. Heh. So she was ~so~ completely right. Score: 3 out of 3.

~ JennyRenny said: "boy & January" --> She was right on. It's a boy and I'm due in January. Score: 2 out of 2.

~ MommyHopes said: "boy & August/September". --> Right on the boy, not so much on the dates. Score: 1 out of 2.

~ Shayna said: "boy & ____". (Shayna, do you remember the date you had associated with me? --> It is a boy and since I don't remember the date she said, I'll score this as only 1 possible. Score: 1 out of 1.

Well, it looks as if ~everyone~ thought I was having a boy! The final tallied results:

Total predictions: 6 gender and 6 dates.
Gender: 6 out of 6. - 100% accurate.
Dates: 4 out of 6. - 67% accurate.
Total: 10 out of 12. - 83% accurate.

Kinda cool after the fact, no?

Online shopping == a naughty Nancy.

Wow. The 3rd post from just today. I'm on a roll! (so if you are just stopping in to see today's post, you gotta read a full 3 posts!)

While I was sitting on hold with the Boston Red Sox to buy a set of Fenway seats (seriously, how can you pass up real Fenway seats?) I was clicking around for a few items I need want.

First off is a pair of jeans. I really, really, really do ~not~ like full panel jeans but I'm going to have to break down and buy a pair. The under belly jeans fit just fine while I'm standing up and walking, but good freaking lord - I sit down and I feel like I'm being cut in two by the band. And since I'm sitting down practically all the time at work, something needs to give.

First off, I wanted to get a pair of 7 for all mankind secret fit belly jeans. But for $225? Oy. Yeah, I can afford them, but I just couldn't rationalize it. I tried, yes I did, but my brain won the battle over my heart this time. Instead, I got a pair of Buffalo 5 pocket jeans with the same belly fit. The best part? Only $118! Yippee! So, since I felt like I was saving $100, I started to shop a bit more.

I ended up buying the jeans I already mentioned, a knit long sleeve black dress, a "day" printed wrap dress, a super cute pink cable knit sweater and a button down work shirt which has the cutest bow tying just under the boobies.

I couldn't believe I clicked "submit" on my order. $374. (shhhhh. don't tell hubby!). I rationalized this by the fact I have an "extra" paycheck this month. Sure, I should have spent it on our ever increasing credit card debt, but there is a lifetime ahead of me to pay that back! Instead, I added to it! (and then the red sox rep got on the phone and I bought two used seats for a mere $795.) Good lord.

Before kids we ~never~ carried a debt. EVER. And now I've got a good amount owed. If worse ever came to worse, I could always make a 401k withdrawal and pay it all off, simply taking the huge tax penalty up the arse, but hell, debt is the American way, right? ~wink~

But really. If I didn't have daycare costs, I could pay all this off in just a few months. And in 6 years from now, all my children will be in school and I'll suddenly feel like I'm RICH with all the extra cash laying around. Actually, in 2 years I will only be paying for one child in daycare, so I can pay all my debt off then. Right on. Thank goodness I have a fabulous credit card in which the interest is SUPER low (actually, I end up switching the same debt to card after card every 18 months or so, taking advantage of 0% APR for the most part).

Although I love daycare and would never change it for the world even if I didn't work, I hate paying so much for it. With the new baby, I'll be paying $26,175.50/year or $2,182.29/month or $1,006.75/paycheck or $503.38/week. Holy moly. I shouldn't do the math. It's way too scary. My point though is when I am not paying that, I'll be able to pay off our debt in just a few months. As long as I don't add to it too much, we'll be a-okay. (at least that's what I keep telling myself!)

Here is something bound to piss someone off.

I was just leaving this exact poll on one of the pregnancy message boards I go to, but I thought about leaving it here too.

My poll was about the "no-no" things I partake in while pregnant. And when I was putting it on the "pregnancy after infertility" board, I thought about how after IF, most women are even ~more~ careful because of all they went through. See, I'm not. Although I don't do anything I really believe to be dangerous, I'm by far not the perfect pregnant girl out there. And I thought if I put it out here, how many IFers will yell at me.

Let me preface this by saying I think Americans are way too stuffy about their rules. Many of the rules could really be said "this is okay in moderation" but No! Not for the US. We simply tell everyone "No! NEVER EVER Eat/Drink these things!" because as a nation, we obviously don't understand self control. So I get that. I understand it's not an all or nothing thing. There is an in between, and that's how I roll.

So, I pose a question and I will answer myself here and now ...

"For anyone who is/was pregnant, what no-no things did you do while pregnant?"


Me:
~ I eat raw sushi. (From the one very reputable sushi place I've been going to for 12 years. And I only get the full raw pieces so I can easily see the quality. I would never get sushi from anywhere else and eat it now.)

~ I drank a beer at my best friend's wedding 2 weeks ago. And I drank another one that same weekend. (oh, the horror!)

~ With my second pregnancy, I snowboarded my entire 1st trimester. (Because I know while the baby is so small, tucked behind the pelvic bone, it's actually quite safe. I do not do anything that I have the possibility of falling on my belly once the baby is out of it's safe place.)

~ I drink a grande black & white mocha every day. (my OB approved this.)

~ I eat deli meats and hot dogs and brie. (I just make sure they are all fresh.)

~ If I have a pain or if I'm sick, I do not think twice about taking medication. Only approved, of course, but I'll take it without a second thought. (I don't think this is a no-no, as all meds are approved for pregnancy, but I know many girls who won't even take a tylenol.)

I think that's about it. So - Feel like yelling at me? Feel free! Feel like answering these yourself? Do it! If you are still ttc#1 and want to answer how you think you'll do - be my guest!

7 ~more~ random things about me.

I've been tagged by both Sarah and Jewels.

It's the "seven random things" tag, so I will play and list mine, but I'm not going to go and tag anyone else cause I'm that much of a rebel. (heh. that was so cheesy.)

1. As Sarah mentioned about clean hands, I am like that with clean feet. I like to be barefoot, but after I come inside, I have to wash them. It's like I can almost feel the dirt. Ick.

2. Staying with the foot thing, women who don't exfoliate their heels totally gross me out. When I'm standing in a line and there is a woman in front of me with flip flops on, I will notice her heels. If they are covered with thick skin... puke. Seriously, I can actually gag a bit.

3. I used to play the violin in elementary school. For something like 3 years. I was in the advanced orchestra and had recitals all the time. Thing was, I couldn't play shit. In first year when we learned how to read music, something did not click in my head and I had no freaking idea. So for the remainder of the 3 years, I faked it. Yup, I got dressed up, my family came to watch and I wouldn't play a note of music. I would watch the person in front of my and follow along with their movements. My mom has all these keepsakes of mine from all the programs and I just recently told her I had no freaking clue how to play. Never did.

4. I don't like black shoes. Except black heels. I just think they don't look right on me. At all.

5. I can't stand not having my toenails painted. But I can't stand having my fingernails painted.

6. I have a heightened sense of road rage. I'll tell off anyone, anytime, anywhere. (Probably why one driver punched me in the face.)

7. I miss my old life (going to shows, being free, etc) like a lost love. I'm not saying I am not in love with my new life, because I am. But thinking about my old life makes me feel a bit heartbroken.

What's that? A light?

Maybe, maybe. A light at the end of the tunnel.

I haven't cried since lunchtime yesterday. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I almost just teared up talking about it right now, but it was adverted.

I'm able to ~think~ of all the sad things now without breaking. Sure, the sad things are still quite sad, but I've got to live my life as it is now. And dwelling on the past isn't going to do me any good. Be happy for the time you get with people and don't regret what you can't change.

I don't quite believe the "everything happens for a reason" stuff, but it certainly applies a lot. Most things happen because we make or let them happen, so of course there is always a reason. But when things out of our control happen, it didn't happen for our reasons, but for a reason of their own. What a weird statement when you really think about it.

Let me give my usual bulleted updates for the other things that have happened during my 5 dark days.

~ It seems I am not gaining weight like I usually do. Scale today shows me up not even a pound from 3 weeks ago. Let's do the math ... I was 145 before IVF (6 weeks before my FET). My beginning BFP weight was 154. Now, at ~23w, I'm 157. I guess I should look at the gain between 145 pre-ivf to now, giving me a 12lb weight gain instead of the bfp to now gain of 3 lbs. At 24w with my others I was already up 24lbs. So this is a much different experience for me. And just so you understand, I am totally ~okay~ with weight gain. I lose it, so it's okay. I gained 50 lbs with each of my girls and lost it all each time. So, I'm letting my body do what it needs to do.

~ The cursor has been sitting on this one for almost 10 minutes now. Do I really not have any other updates? I guess not. It's been a bad week.

No change really.

I'm still in my funk but I think it may be hitting me a little less today.

I'm totally FINE when working or distracted. I can go and do all my normal things. And then when my mind isn't on something, I feel the sadness. My heart will suddenly do a flip flop and just ~hurt~.

I went to the bookstore and looked through depression resources and this doesn't sound like it at all. I mean, it does, but not something so suddenly. So I'm going to make sure I'm just getting better and if it's not resolved by next week, I'll bring it up to my OB.

Regarding me not thinking it's depression, I just mean it's not the run of the mill depression. I've got many of the symptoms I think, but it just came on so suddenly. I've never dealt with depression before, nor have I ever had PPD.

The most serious thing right now is I'm not eating and I know I have to. So I'm going to have to watch myself here and thankfully, I'm already completely aware of it.

I wanted to thank you all for your concern. Someone commented that they've had enough of 'sad nancy' and wants 'normal nancy' back. Well, believe me, so do I. I'm not excited about sobbing myself to sleep at night.

Emotional Schemotional.

Wow.

I am a big giant ball of emotions right now.

Now, if you would have asked me at any other time than now, I would tell you I am a tough girl who isn't emotional at all. I'd say things such as "I don't care what people think of me" and "I'm not a dumb emotional girl" and "I'm as tough as any guy".

Those would all be lies. While I don't care what most people think of me, of course I care about those important people around me. And if someone important to me is angry with me, I'm all about caring. As for being a "dumb girl", I don't like to admit it, but I've had my moments. I've played the games. I've been the jealous girl. I've cried over boys. As for me being tough as any guy? Ha. I'd like to be tough emotionally like a guy, but I'm not. I don't think I'm overly emotional, but I would probably be in the middle of the bell curve when it comes to emotions and being a girl.

The past few days though, a sadness has gripped me. It's not constant, but every few moments, I'll feel the biggest hole of emptiness ever. It started just on Saturday and I haven't been able to shake it. This is ~not~ like me. Although I do get emotional as I've pointed out above, this is all consuming right now. I'm crying sobbing multiple times a day. My heart feels fucking broken. I'm entertaining thoughts of just not having to go through life right now. (No, I'm not talking suicide. Not even close. I'm just thinking about how I hate feeling like I do right now and would rather just not have to 'live' through it. Like just go to sleep and wake up when I'm back to normal.)

It's got to be hormones. And I've got to get over it soon. The problem is, I don't know how. My brain is telling my heart to hurt. And to feed it, the part of my brain that I can't control keeps going over and over with things I can be terribly sad about: the death of my best friend, lost loves, etc. And even though the part of my brain I am in control of keeps reminding my heart of all the ~wonderful~ things I am happy about, my family, our health, my husband, my growing belly, it's not helping.

Today is the 4th day of this ineffable sadness. I'm so inexperienced with the caliber of these emotions, I don't know what to look for in it not being normal. How long should I allow myself to feel this way before wondering if I need help? Is there even a time limit?

Spent the day in the hospital.

I fell down the stairs this morning. Which I was actually expecting, as I've fallen down with each of my pregnancies.

With Ella - I was carrying a drawer out to the car to take to Home Depot to do some stain matching and slipped on some ice and fell down on my knee pretty damned hard. Awesome. Since I didn't fall on my belly, I felt the baby was fine and didn't go to the hospital.

With Allison - I was carrying Ella on my hip, walked out into the garage and tripped on the top of the two steps. I fell all the way down to the cement floor doing everything I could do to protect my two babies. I twisted in mid air and held Ella close to my chest, as I took the entire brunt of the fall on my back. Ella was scared but not hurt. I was terrified I hurt the baby. I went inside and took out the trusty doppler and heard no change in the baby's heartbeat. No trip to the ER was necessary.

With Karl - I was just popping down a flight of stairs like I normally would. Suddenly, my feet were out from under me. My hand was on the railing, so I held on for dear life. My arm was what stopped the fall for the most part, but as you can imagine, the grip wasn't conducive to the position I would end up in, so it twisted my body and I ended up landing on my hip on my right side. My shoulder was screaming in pain but that was about it. I sat down and felt my belly for movement and Karl immediately kicked me to assure me of his existence. And then I remembered I have a velamentous cord insertion. On my right side. That scared me.

I called my OB's nurse line and left a message that I had fallen and I was going to go to the ER to get checked out. I knew that would be their advice, so why waste time? By the time I got to the hospital, the tears were flowing due to the pain in my shoulder. I checked in and they immediately sent me up to Labor & Delivery to check on Karl. He was happily kicking me, so I wasn't really worried, so I wasn't in any sort of panic.

Before I was even checked in, I was hooked up to monitors to watch for contractions. I actually had one braxton hicks contraction and a few "bleeps" but nothing disturbing. I did have some intermittent right sided pain, pretty bad, but it wasn't a contraction. I assumed it was RLP (round ligament pain) and the nurse agreed.

Through the monitor, she couldn't pick up the heartbeat too well, but did for a few moments and it clocked in around 150bpm. After 30 minutes or so of monitoring, she called my OB. Apparently, due to the pain and the lack of a documented heartbeat, my OB ordered an ultrasound. No complaint from me as I will never turn down a chance to see my little peapod. The tech went for all the main things first - heartbeat, fluid levels, placenta, cord, but before it was over I got to laugh at a few things. The first was Karl was pointing his finger like he was pretending to shoot us. The second was she showed me the gender money shot and declared "well, his penis is still intact!". The third was as we were finishing up and she was giving me a last "fun" look at him, he actually ~waved~ at us. Thank you baby boy. That made me smile.

Then they wheeled me down to the ER to get my shoulder checked out. I tried to protest, saying I only came to the ER to check on the baby, but the nurse said there was no reason NOT to, as I was already there. The doctor came in and performed an exam and determined I had a strained rotator cuff. I'll be pretty damned sore, but I should get better without intervention. Just ice it tonight and rest it all I can. Then he fitted me in a sweet sling. I look pretty hot in it. (Actually, I guess I looked pretty pathetic in it, as everyone who looked at me for the rest of the day gave me the "poor you" sympathy look.)

It's day two of ICLW and I need to get caught up on all my commenting. What a way to kick it off! Thanks to all of those whom have visted so far! I'll be to your blog soon!

Why does it actually ~hurt~?

When you have a broken heart, why does it actually hurt?

I was thinking about this phenomenon and I just don't understand it. When my heart it broken, it hurts. The space in my chest is tighter and I feel like it's being squeezed. It literally hurts.

Why?

We kicked some ass tonight.

"We" meaning my roller derby team.

I don't even know the final score. It was something such as 138 vs 40 with a few minutes left.

Our girls ruled all over salt lake city.

Oh, and someone asked if I was still doing derby. "No" is my answer. I'm on leave until I will be strong enough to come back.

Math.

Simple math at that.

This is for anyone who is pregnant now or who will be pregnant in the future (which, in my opinion, should be all of you!)

This has been one of my biggest pet peeves.

4 weeks DOES NOT EQUAL 1 month.

Well, it does 1/16th of the time. As on a non-leap year February, happening 3 times every 48 months, 4 weeks does equal 1 month.

But 1/16th if far from 100%. Actually, it's not right 93.75% of the time.

So why, WHY do people continuously think "Hey, I'm 24 weeks, that means I'm 6 months!

No, no, no. If we want to be technical, and come on, math ~is~ pretty technical, 24 weeks is 5.54 months. Which can be broken down to 5m16.425d. Oh yeah, I'm going there.

I just don't understand where people think "4 weeks = 1 month". It just doesn't. And my math head doesn't want to compute it. Not in the least.

Rambling.

It's Thursday night and I'm in an anxious mood for no particular reason. Therefore, I'm going to ramble on a bit with some bullet points ...

~ I just fixed our toilet. The pump thingy wasn't figuring out the tank was full and not shutting off the water. So I made a trip to home depot, got a $6 pump and voila! Fixed. That toilet has been shut off for a good 5-6 weeks because it leaked and it was a freaking 10 minute fix.

~ I always sneeze two times in a row and lately it's been only one time. This is seriously strange for me. Seriously. I miss my second sneeze. I feel unfinished.

~ There is a puke smell coming out of the vent down the aisle from me at work. I opened a ticket, but nothing has happened so far. Bummer.

~ Speaking of work - I've been busting my ass the past few days. It feels good.

~ My husband was in a shitty mood after work and he can't leave work outside the home. It sucks.

~ I miss advil. I really need some.

~ I bought new carpet for the three bedrooms today. I've figured it'll cost a tad under $1600 but haven't gotten an estimate yet. They'll be out to measure next Tuesday.

-- baby stuff mentioned now --

~ I can feel Karl kicking me everyday now. My placenta has moved up, opening up a place on my lower belly where I can feel strong kicks. It's pretty fucking cool and I just love it. I took a bath tonight and I actually saw a few kicks. Alienesque, yes, but cool.

~ I bought all of the bedding. Did I mention this already? It can be found here if you are interested. I even bought the little orange monkey you can see in the expanded view ~and~ the dark wall letters.

~ My fucking calves hurt. They ACHE all day. Sucks.

~ I also have daily heartburn. Fucking awesome.

~ I put up my newest belly picture over there ---->

I feel weird talking about the cons of pregnancy and I also feel bad talking about the fun of pregnancy. I know it's my blog and all that, but yeah. You've all heard it before.

Roller Derby this weekend!!! If you are close to colorado springs, I can hook you up! Let me know if you want to catch a bout Saturday night. It's a double header. The first two teams play at 3pm, but my team plays at 7.Well, how about that for a whole lot of randomness?

Are you in my reader?

Have I gotten any new readers since the last time I asked for URLs to put in my google reader? I strictly (well, almost) read blogs from my reader, so if you aren't there, I'm not reading you. You should know if I read you because I do comment, although I don't comment on every post.

So, if you aren't and want to be, or if you aren't sure you are and want to be, leave your URL in the comments of this post and I'll get you on my regular reading list.

Thanks mucho!

"My Favorite Joke"

-- Robin Williams favorite joke from the Sept 18th, 2008 issue of Rolling Stone...

" Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, 'Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.'

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes 'Oh, my God!' And the kid goes, 'Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?' "

---

On a separate note about the magazine, Rolling Stone knows when I'm going to die. February 26th, 2054. I bought a lifetime subscription years ago for $99 and the expiration date on my magazine is 2-26-54. I'll be pushing 82 years old.

A question for everyone going to appointments (RE or OB)

I was just wondering if your husbands come with you to your appointments.

If you are seeing an RE right now, does he go to all your appointments? If he comes to some appointments, which ones? Who is the one who wants him to go? You? Him? Both?

If you have graduated to an OB, does he go to all your appointments? If he comes to some appointments, which ones? If you are on a second, third, etc baby, did the pattern change? Who is the one who wants him to go? You? Him? Both?

There may be a follow up question based on the answers I get. I really am wondering two things, what does he go to and what does he show interest in going to.

I'll go ahead and start it off by answering first in the comments.

Schnarkiness.

There are a few things out there in blogland from the past few days that have ~really~ gotten under my skin. It's nothing at all focused at me or even remotely so, but the judgements I have seen just have really truly irked me.

It's just when people mention really sensitive subjects without even a hint of understanding there ~may~ just be another viewpoint out there. That even though they think very strongly about something, the assumption is it's their opinion or you are just plain wrong.

And that's not what I'm about.

I'm about talking about sensitive subjects when the mood strikes me. I like controversy. But if anyone has been reading me for any length of time, you will notice that I ~always~ leave room for the other side. I may not agree with the majority of the other side, but I do understand there are always exceptions where even my strong viewpoint can understand the value of the other side.

I'm not going to talk about the subject(s) I've seen lately because it's not one of those things that strike me to talk about. Like politics, I have my viewpoints but it's just not something I'm interested in discussing here.

The whole reason I brought it up is it's made me quite schnarky. What it's done is made me focus on anything at all I don't agree with and I want to comment with my sarcasm. I want to tell some seeking support on a variety of issues to suck it up. I want there to be an eyeroll emoticon. See? I told you. I'm schnarky now. And that's not how I usually am. (okay, i'll admit, I am always a little schnarky, but I ~usually~ can keep it to myself.) So I may have to take a short break from commenting until I can get this under control. Blogs are out there to do just what everyone does - cry about the crappiness that they see is in their life. Discuss their opinions. And while I can choose to comment or not, if I do comment, it should be with support or a civil discussion of my own viewpoints. Except that's not how things are coming out.

Please forgive my silence for a day or so.

The Weekend Update (and a discussion?)

Which isn't really an update at all.

Friday night I spent taking care of my friend's animals whose mother got into an accident and will most likely not make it. She left town in a hurry, leaving charge to her household to me until her brother in law could make it up. She's not a blogger or I'd link you to her, but if you could think some good wishes for the family, I'd appreciate it.

Saturday morning was kind of nice. Although I had to get up early to take care of the dogs and bird, being in a house with ~nothing~ to do is quite nice. I fed and walked dogs and then I kind of just sat around, flipping through tv. Terrible. I should have gotten back in my car early and made it back to my family, but heck, silence is just really, really nice.

Saturday around 1pm I made it back in town and put the kids to bed for nap and then I promptly fell asleep on the couch for 2 hours until they woke up. No idea why I slept. Maybe it was because my husband totally took care of the house, everything was in it's perfect place. So what could I do? Sleep. Ahhhh yes.

Saturday night was a wedding. 2 wedding in 2 weeks. I love weddings. I love watching the groom's face as the bride comes down the aisle. Ahhh, all that pure love. The kids did fairly well. I was freezing as I wore a knee length dress and sandals, but the kids had tights and sweaters on. The reception was indoors but they didn't turn on the heat. It couldn't have been more than 45-50 degrees. Gotta love colorado.

Now it's Sunday morning and I slept in. It was my day to get up, but hubby let me sleep. God bless that man. 9 months of sleeping until 8-830am will make up for the months of sleep deprivation I'll have from breastfeeding. Totally fair.

I'm not doing shit today. Except take care of kids, cook and do a little laundry. Other than that, I'm chillin'. This week will be the first full week since 2 straight weeks of 2 day workweeks. It's going to suck.

Oh, and in slight baby news, I'm ~finally~ feeling the kicks all the time. It really just started this weekend. Damn anterior placentas!! I'm lucky as all for even getting to feel anything at all, but a full month later than the other two babies.

And now for the discussion... My friend in phoenix, who threw me the baby shower, doesn't ever want children. Okay, totally cool with me. But she finds pregnant bellies "disgusting" (her words) and just doesn't understand why pregnant women rub their bellies.

While battling IF, this bugged the shit out of me too. Why must the bellies have to be rubbed? Well, I knew I did it too, as most pregnant women do, so I tried to explain. I gave some from-the-ass explanation as how it's bonding with the baby and I'm not rubbing my belly, I'm giving my love to my unborn. Sounded good at the time. But then I realized ... You know when you have a zit or such you just can't fucking leave alone? It's protruding from your body and it's not supposed to be there. It grabs your attention and you unconsciously touch it. Well, for me at least, I think being pregnant is much of the same thing. It just sticks out and like a zit, I can't ~not~ touch it.

Sexist?

I mentioned it in a comment, but I don't think anyone would really read it. (nor do I think many are even reading me anymore. I've lost so many of my readers, barely a handful of comments now. I'm so sad! But, alas, I'll continue to type.)

It really bugs me when I hear "My husband really wants a boy to carry on the family name." This includes my own husband. He's an only child, so if the name is to survive with his lineage, a boy needed to be born.

Okay, I get that. I get that men want that. But why is it ~not~ important for the majority of women? None of my brothers had a son. In fact, only one of 3 (technically 4, but he doesn't have our last name) even had a child, which was a girl. So my family name "died" with my generation.

It wasn't the end of the world for us though. As a women, I took on my husband's last name without a second thought. I'm traditional in that way and for me, it was the only decision, as is the same for the majority of women. I understand that a woman can keep her name or hyphenate it, giving her children her name, but that's not my point here. If it's important to you, that's great. It wasn't important to me, hence I didn't do it.

My point is why is it ~so~ important to men but for women, it's so blase? Why do men base so much importance on passing on their name, yet don't blink when their wife gives up her name in a blink of an eye?

My answers and new opinions.

I just went back and read all the comments from Days 1-6 in which I left while I was out of town. First of all - great responses. So many were real thought out answers. I was so proud of all of you for really putting thought into them! Secondly, I went through each one and left my own answers. I pretty much simply answered them, but I know I put in some additional comments in Day one (or was it two? the one about gender selection.)

I also had some new opinions to give. Not new really, as they have always been my opinions, but only recently thought of due to my line of questioning over the last week.

~ The thought that learning the gender while baby is in utero takes away from the birth.
-- I don't know if it's simply because I have already gone through the birthing process. Or maybe because I'm simply being defensive about it. But personally, I don't think the fact I knew if my babies had a vagina or a penis took away ~anything~ from the birth. Giving birth to a baby is simply unbelievable. The feelings and emotions you have are indescribable. I just can't fathom that I had anything less than a miracle happen at each birth. Sure, hearing "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!" would be pretty damned exciting, but that excitement still happened for me at the big ultrasound (or even over the phone with my CVS results). So personally, I believe the excitement is the same, it's simply a matter of when you find it out.

But I certainly don't think my birthing experience was "lesser" in anyway because I knew the sex. I will admit I have no idea on the other side, since I never experienced it. So if anyone out there experienced ~both~ (not just one, as you wouldn't know both sides either), could you please leave a comment as to the differences you felt?

~ Girls who got a surprise BFP who feel guilty, so they talk about it non stop.
-- First off, if you are one of my friends who had this happen to them, please try not to be offended. I'm only going to mention one thing about this phenomenon, it does ~not~ offend me if you simply fall into this category.

Being in the blogworld for quite some time, I've seen many girls get their miracle BFP on a pre-treatment cycle. I've also seen many girls get their BFP on their first medication or minor treatment cycle, be it clomid, progesterone supps or IUI. Since they also had a taste of IF, (although for many of them, it was a small taste since first med/treatment cycles usually come earlier rather than later) most of them feel guilty it happened for them with such little intervention (or even before intervention).

So, due to their guilt, every time they mention their pregnancy or IF, they mention how lucky they are or how shocked they are it happened so "easily" for them. Or as part of their signature on a message board, it says "surprise BFP!" or "lucky BFP on first medicated cycle!". But this ends up having the opposite effect on many IFers who come in contact with them. Personally, yes, I'm super glad to understand they know how lucky they are. Or how thrilled they are that it did happen "easily" for them. But after awhile, okay, I get it. Could you please stop rubbing it in? Most of us don't have it happen on the cycle before our first IUI or IVF. Most of us have our first clomid cycle fail. And our first femara cycle fail. And our first everything fail. Most of us have multiple failed IUIs. Many of us have a failed IVF under our belts. So yes, we're glad you know you know you are blessed, but there comes a point where you could just list it in your ttc history and be done with it. Eventually it starts sounding like a newbie ttc-er who brags about how it happened on their first month trying. (Even though I totally get that is ~not~ what they are trying to convey.)

Maybe this is also just me, like my last opinion. If anyone else agrees or disagrees, please feel free to chime in!

Yes! (A story about boobies.)

I did a bit of shopping yesterday and stopped and bought a nursing bra. Not that I need one now, but I'm growing out of my bras and don't want to spend money on a new "normal" bra for my larger breasts. Once the baby gets here, I ~never~ wear normal bras, only nursing bras. So, yeah, why buy a nice larger bra when it will never get used?

Anywho, I stopped off at the maternity store I ~loathe~. Motherhood Maternity. There return policy sucks assholes. Most of their fashions are exactly the reason why people hate maternity clothes. And even if you do find something halfway cute, the material is simply terrible.

I admit 5% of the things are, in fact, cute. I bought 3 packages of maternity panties. Hipsters, boy shorts and thongs. $12 for a pack of 3, but that's not bad. I also got a cute green cable knit sweater, but it was a soft cotton so it was cool.

Back to the nursing bras. I don't particularly like their selection, but I just wanted a cheap one for now. My favorite brand is Bravado, but I'll get those later on, when I'm sure of my final size. I also like Mimi's bras quite well too, but they closed the Mimi's near me. Boooo! (I liked that store a lot. Pricey, but their clothes were hip and cute!!)

I needed to get sized. Now, I know there are many more women out there with larger breasts than me, but remember, I was ~flat~ chested. Like, completely flat. I was a small A before babies, grew to a C with milk at first and settled in with a B after the first month of nursing. After breastfeeding two babies for a year each, I ended up with not even my A cup. I was flat with saggy nipples. Yes, after breastfeeding, I had zero breasts. The only thing that stuck out from my flat chest was saggy nipples. Nature is cruel.

I consulted with a surgeon and talked about getting breasts before I was done having babies. After a bunch of consideration, we decided my body/skin type would be able to support my plan, but only for one more baby. We had the surgery done without touching a single milkduct nor the nipple area. I bought a set of large Bs and sometimes a small C, depending on the store. At The Gap, I was a 34B. At Victoria's Secret, I was a 34C.

When she measured me yesterday and declared I was a 34D, I literally yelled out "fuck yeah!" in the store (no other customers were there) which got a huge laugh out of her. I'm ~thrilled~. Not only to be a 34D, but to have a PERFECT set of 34D breasts. Due to the implants, they are still completely perky, but due to growing a cup size with pregnancy, they look even more natural.

My breasts were done very well and don't look like the regular fake boobies because I didn't go too big for my frame. Staying at a large B / small C, they aren't round. They are perfectly tear dropped shaped. In fact, at my 6 month appointment, I was worried because they weren't round. Especially when I leaned forward, they went into "champagne glass" shape. My doctor explained that they were like that because they were natural shaped. Heh. I would have never known.

Anywho, this is simply a post about my perfect 34D chest. yes, I'm tooting my own horn. Yes, I'm proud of my breasts. I actually would love to move someplace being topless was legal because I'd be topless every single day.

Well, Hello There!

I'm back and I'm huge.

belly talk here in italics. skip if you don't want to read!
... seriously, i'm huge. I updated my picture to the right to show you. And, because I only show every 2 weeks on the right, I updated my page with a new link. If you click on the stick figure, you'll get to a page which just shows the growth pattern of this pregnancy only. It's basically every two weeks, but sometimes a random week is in there when there is some growth to document. I swear - look at week 19 to week 20. WTF indeed.

The trip was fantastic. The day I landed, I helped my friend get ready and pack everything for the wedding. Then we headed up to Pine. The house she rented was insane. It was so nice! But only 3 bedrooms. The first night was cool, as her kids got one room, I got the other and the bride and groom got the master bedroom. The next day, the kids left and the entire wedding party got there. I still got a bedroom and everyone else called dibs on various areas of the house. The loft was very popular. I think there were 18 people all together, but really, the house was huge. And there was a huge 2nd loft over the garage complete with bathroom, so there were a lot there.

The wedding went without a hitch. We put it on ourselves, making an area in the pine trees in the backyard. Full wedding dress for the bride, bridesmaids (i was made of honor along with one other girl, Sam) and tuxedos for the boys. We went down the aisle to an ipod playing and our friend, an ordained minister, did the ceremony. It was beautiful. I cried. (The picture doesn't show the other bridesmaids - there were 4 total.)


On Sunday, we drove back down to Phoenix and my friend threw me a baby shower. It was awesome. I got lots of cute boy clothes and had the best freaking cake I've ever eaten. At the shower, my friend had everyone (even the boys!) paint baby bibs which all turned out really, really cool. It was a great idea.

Monday was a relaxation day and I did a little shopping. I also had the best lunch pretty much ever. We went to a place called The Fry House which everything was made on indian fry bread (tacos!) and then I had the melted butter and chocolate sauce dessert. Mmmm.

Yesterday was stressful as I missed my flight (first time in my life) by 3 minutes. I had to check in at 11:30 and I checked in at 11:33. Lame. So I hung out at the airport for 4 hours and had a shitty day. Homecoming was great though, as I had the classic kids yelling "mommy!" and running to me through the airport moment. I hope that each person reading this gets to have one of these moments. Truly.

I see my scheduled posts worked great! I have lots of responses and I have to go through and read them all. When I do, I'll answer any good points/questions in the comments themselves. But right now, I have to put my feet up. I'm swollen from all the traveling and need to get my fluids down. Fun fun.

I'm glad to be back and can't wait to read all those updates out there!

Day Six ...

I'll be back in town later today and I will probably come on and check in, but maybe not. So today's post will simply be a '10 random question' poll.

1. Coke or Pepsi?

2. Favorite pizza topping?

3. How many times have you been in love?

4. Do you believe it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time?

5. What was the last concert you attended?

6. What was the first concert you every attended?

7. What are your favorite pair of shoes?

8. If you could excel in any sport/hobby, enough to be considered a pro, what would it be in?

9. At what age do you think is considered fully matured (on average)? Meaning if you had to pick ONE age in which the majority of people would be "mature", what age would that be?

10. If you were offered one free plastic surgery, what would you pick? Or would you decline it all together?

Day Five ...

Unfortunately it's Monday again. And for those who work, it's back to the daily grind. Bummer. So I will ask work related questions ...

1. What would your dream job be?

2. Was your dream job ever an obtainable goal?

3. If yes, what kept you from it? Is it still obtainable?

4. If you are or plan to be a stay at home mom, ~if~ you did have your dream job pre-kids, would that have changed your decision to be a stay at home mom?

Day Four ...

It's Sunday so I'll ask a religion question ...

If your child told you at 16 years old that he was not sure he believed in your religion and wanted to explore different religions - so he could choose another one or maybe come to the conclusion he was Agnostic or Atheist, what would you do?

We have named our son. Karl James.

Day Three ...

If you were TTC#1 and were given these two option ...

a) A ~guaranteed~ adoption of a 1 year old child within a 2 year time frame

or

b) A ~free~ IVF cycle

what would you choose and why?

Day Two ...

It's Friday!!! Yipee!!

For my question today ...

What would be your PERFECT weekend?

Day One ...

For my first "out of town" question ...

If you were doing IVF and you were offered gender selection ~for free~, would you choose the gender of your embryos?

If the answer was "yes" and it would cost $2,500 out of pocket, would you still choose to?

If your answer was still "yes", what cost would you consider too much?

My "halfway" Dr Appt Update and my Goodbye ...

I saw my OB! Finally! Every appointment has been the NP (which I don't mind since I do like them both) because my OB has gotten called out on emergencies each time. When he walked in I was all "oh, amazing to actually see you" and he said "Yeah, they've been keeping me away from you!".

My OB is so awesome, I love him so very much. I saw him ~every visit~ for the first two babies, so it's just strange not to see him. He's just so very popular now!

Anywho - Dr's appointment went swimmingly.

~ I've gained 2.5 lbs total. He started to tell me I need to gain more but I reminded him I was up 12 lbs from the fertility treatments so he agreed my body was using that extra weight up until now. So really, I'm up 14.5 lbs from normal pre-IVF, just only 2.5lbs from pregnancy. He wants to see some gaining now though, but at least he's counting the IF weight gain. He said a pound per week from now on would be perfect, but he knows my body gained 50lbs each time, so he'd allow more without being worried.

~ My ute is measuring 21cms, so for being 19w5d, I'm measuring a week ahead.

~ Peapod's heartrate was 152bpm

And now for the VCI (velamentous cord insertion) questions/answers (more for my info):

~ Peapod will be getting growth scans starting when?
--- I'm scheduled to start them at 24 weeks (oct 2nd). He'll decide how often after that appointment.

~What if the baby is on the small side due to VCI? Will the baby be taken early? What would be the earliest?
--- He said he's never seen this happen and doesn't even consider it to be worth thinking about right now. But if the baby is small, it'll be decided then, not now.

~ If the baby is taken early, will I be induced or will a c-section be necessary?
--- Depends how early. After 37 weeks, it would most likely be a vaginal induction.

~ During delivery, will I definitely be able to do a vaginal birth?
--- Yes.

~ Is there anything that would necessitate a c-section regarding VCI?
--- It would depend on how the baby tolerates the labor.

~ Due to the delivery of a placenta with VCI, what will happen if the cord does detach? Will we still try to manually extract it? Or will emergency surgery be necessary?
--- He would first try to manually extract. Surgery would be next step.

Cord Compression specific questions:

~ Will laying on left side help due to it being on the right side?
--- "Theoretically, no" was his answer. If there is a normal amount of fluid, the baby would be cushioned by the fluid and laying on either side wouldn't matter. If there is low fluid conditions, a different approach may be given.

~ What is the risk of stillbirth for general public?
--- He quoted a statistic from the March of Dimes which has a general number of "1 in 200 pregnancies results in stillbirth". That is .5% and with this VCI issue, I was given a 1% chance. Although it's double the general public, it's still very low.

~ Can I do anything to decrease this risk?
--- I will be starting weekly BPPs (biophysical profiles) starting at 24 weeks (Oct 2nd) and they will continue through delivery. This will keep a close eye on the heartrate of the baby to see if he is compressing his cord at all during normal conditions. This timing my increase based upon the results.

~ If the baby is showing signs of compressing his own cord, how early would he be taken?
--- He explained that the first thing he would do would be to put me in the hospital to monitor the baby 24 hours a day. He would then be able to come up with a plan based upon that. He would not simply just take the baby based upon a normal BPP.

Based on my OB's feedback, I feel so much better! He said the VCI wasn't that rare and due to the position of mine, he doesn't think there will be any problems. He seemed so blah about it, which really helped me relax. But then again, he is going to keep a close eye on it, just in case. It'll mean a lot of trips to the OB, but totally worth it to me. And I love the fact that blips on the regular BPPs would mean 24 hour monitoring. Whew. Okay, I'm not as terrified anymore.

I leave for Phoenix in the morning and I most likely won't have any internet access when I make it up to Pine. I'm not bringing my laptop and I'm sure the cabin won't have a computer available. So it's goodbye for the next week, BUT ... I'm going to change up the format of this blog while I'm gone. Number one, I'm taking ~off~ moderated comments, so they will appear immediately. Number two, I'm pre-scheduling 6 posts (one per day) in which a question will be asked. So there will be something to read each day while I'm gone.

(Also, I did update my belly picture early, so the new one is over to the right. Thanks to those who told me you did look for the new picture!)

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

And a special note to miss soulbliss ... I hope you find some peace over the next few days. This baby in my belly measured 4 days behind, but I do understand your fears due to your past experiences. I've got my own little nickname for him ... Mirakel. It means miracle in Norwegian. And while I don't think he needs a miracle to keep on growing, I think he will simply be your little miracle. The miracle you'll need to rid yourself of the understandable fear you have in your heart. He's your miracle growing in your belly right now and soon enough you'll be able to let go and encompass him in love, no longer feeling encased in apprehension and dread. Mirakel is strong enough to take all that away from you, he just needs a little more time to show you just how strong he is.

No one got rich.

No one got my $5 to remind me about my questions today!

Pet peeve?

Everyone has them.

So please, share with my blogworld, what are your TOP 3 pet peeves???

It's not a real week.

3 day weekends throw me off. They always have. This week is going to be "worse", but in a good way.

Tuesday will be my monday, but I'm going to try to schedule a pedicure sometime during the day. Then Wednesday will by my Tuesday and I have an OB appointment for the end of the afternoon, so it'll be a short day. To make it even better, Wednesday is also my Friday, as I fly out to Phoenix Thursday morning. By 10am Thursday, We'll have our rental and will be on our way to my best friend's house. Yay.

This will be my best friend's wedding weekend. We'll head up to Pine on Thursday afternoon and all the friends (the wedding party) is staying in a big house together. I think Thursday and Friday are friends only and then the family comes in for the wedding on Saturday. Sunday late morning I'll take off for Phoenix again, where I'll be staying with another friend of mine. Then Sunday evening is a little baby shower for me. Then Monday my hubby flies back and I stay another day just to hang out with my friend. I'll be back in town Tuesday.

This week should fly by and I couldn't be more excited.