Thursday, September 11, 2008

My answers and new opinions.

I just went back and read all the comments from Days 1-6 in which I left while I was out of town. First of all - great responses. So many were real thought out answers. I was so proud of all of you for really putting thought into them! Secondly, I went through each one and left my own answers. I pretty much simply answered them, but I know I put in some additional comments in Day one (or was it two? the one about gender selection.)

I also had some new opinions to give. Not new really, as they have always been my opinions, but only recently thought of due to my line of questioning over the last week.

~ The thought that learning the gender while baby is in utero takes away from the birth.
-- I don't know if it's simply because I have already gone through the birthing process. Or maybe because I'm simply being defensive about it. But personally, I don't think the fact I knew if my babies had a vagina or a penis took away ~anything~ from the birth. Giving birth to a baby is simply unbelievable. The feelings and emotions you have are indescribable. I just can't fathom that I had anything less than a miracle happen at each birth. Sure, hearing "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!" would be pretty damned exciting, but that excitement still happened for me at the big ultrasound (or even over the phone with my CVS results). So personally, I believe the excitement is the same, it's simply a matter of when you find it out.

But I certainly don't think my birthing experience was "lesser" in anyway because I knew the sex. I will admit I have no idea on the other side, since I never experienced it. So if anyone out there experienced ~both~ (not just one, as you wouldn't know both sides either), could you please leave a comment as to the differences you felt?

~ Girls who got a surprise BFP who feel guilty, so they talk about it non stop.
-- First off, if you are one of my friends who had this happen to them, please try not to be offended. I'm only going to mention one thing about this phenomenon, it does ~not~ offend me if you simply fall into this category.

Being in the blogworld for quite some time, I've seen many girls get their miracle BFP on a pre-treatment cycle. I've also seen many girls get their BFP on their first medication or minor treatment cycle, be it clomid, progesterone supps or IUI. Since they also had a taste of IF, (although for many of them, it was a small taste since first med/treatment cycles usually come earlier rather than later) most of them feel guilty it happened for them with such little intervention (or even before intervention).

So, due to their guilt, every time they mention their pregnancy or IF, they mention how lucky they are or how shocked they are it happened so "easily" for them. Or as part of their signature on a message board, it says "surprise BFP!" or "lucky BFP on first medicated cycle!". But this ends up having the opposite effect on many IFers who come in contact with them. Personally, yes, I'm super glad to understand they know how lucky they are. Or how thrilled they are that it did happen "easily" for them. But after awhile, okay, I get it. Could you please stop rubbing it in? Most of us don't have it happen on the cycle before our first IUI or IVF. Most of us have our first clomid cycle fail. And our first femara cycle fail. And our first everything fail. Most of us have multiple failed IUIs. Many of us have a failed IVF under our belts. So yes, we're glad you know you know you are blessed, but there comes a point where you could just list it in your ttc history and be done with it. Eventually it starts sounding like a newbie ttc-er who brags about how it happened on their first month trying. (Even though I totally get that is ~not~ what they are trying to convey.)

Maybe this is also just me, like my last opinion. If anyone else agrees or disagrees, please feel free to chime in!


margelina said...

I have had 2 births where I did not know the sex beforehand, and one where I did. I chose not to find out for the first two because I felt like it was the only real surprise you can get in life without anyone ever ruining it for you. I actually had my 20 week u/s done at another center because I had a close friend who worked at the place I was supposed to go to, and I didn't want ANYONE knowing before I did. With #3, the intent was to NOT find out again, but I happened to get one of those elective 3D scans, and I knew the tech from my x-ray school days, and was comfortable with her, and after already having 2 girls, I knew my DH wanted to know if we were having a boy. I told him during the scan that we could find out, and he wouldn't say "yes" because he thought I would be mad at him later for having us find out. He didn't get that there was NO WAY on earth to be mad about that. I mean, really, it wouldn't matter in the long run. (We did find out then and there that it was a boy!)
Being on both sides of this, it totally does NOT change that amazing moment when your baby is born, the overwhelming feelings are still the same. Although, if we ever get blessed enough to do this again, we are both opting for not finding out.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with margelina. I had one birth where I did not find out and one I did. And I absolutely agree it does not "take away" from the birth but absolutely - if there ever gets to be a next time- we would NOT find out.
Of course, there is sheer joy and excitement at every birth (or should be) but there was ~something~ a little more in the air; of the suspense everyone had. (At least in my family there was).

Karyn with a Y said...

About the first comment- I think for me personally knowing the sex of the baby has helped me form a bond better than had I not known. I thought I wanted a boy so badly that I'm afraid I would have been disappointed had they shouted out "It's a girl" after I delivered. So, knowing before has given me the time to prepare and adjust to the thought of having two girls.

Jewels said...

I don’t remember if I answered this one, and I haven’t done both (apparently) but my son had his legs crossed at the u/s so I did experience what it was like for a while to not know (even through my baby showers) but then I did find out through an emergency u/s.

I didn't want to find out with this one just to experience the difference. But I could tell already at about 7 weeks that I didn’t think I could wait. Like Karyn said, I wanted to feel like I was bonding more with either my son or my daughter. To give him or her more of an identity.
I have no Idea what I'll do in the future. Probably find out.

Heather said...

I had did one of each, with my first I found out he was a boy. I had just seen my sister go through a second pregnancy and when she found out she was having a second boy, she cried. I decided not to find out with my second because I was afraid that I would cry if it was another boy too, and I would not ever want to cry over what I was having. I didn't prefer one way over the other, but I am glad that I experienced it both ways. Oh, and the second was a girl!

g said...

if there ever comes the time when i do get PG i SO want to know what the baby will be! i want to shop for all the cute gender specific things.... go crazy and shout it from the roof tops!

on your other topic.. i to get annoyed at the "bragging" but as u said that may not be their intention but it comes across that way!

Shinejil said...

I'm a jaded IF gal: I don't care what gender my child is, so long as s/he is alive and as healthy as possible. I don't care if I know or not.

The whole "accident" or "first-time" thing makes me laugh. I mean, technically, my treatment worked the first time. But it didn't equal a baby. Am I lucky? (sorry, dark humor).

Glad things are progressing smoothly for you, Nancy!

knucks said...

Regarding the gender thing. . . I'm one sided on this as we didn't find out the gender of either of ours. We always agreed we'd never find out, it wasn't necessary for us to know whether to buy pink or blue, we knew we were having a baby and would need baby things, didn't have to be gender specific. My DH has said waiting to find out is the true test of patience. . . and I have to admit, hearing the, "it's a girl!" and "it's a boy!" seconds after my deliveries were some of the best moments of my entire life. BUT, knowing they were both healthy and getting to see their beautiful faces for the first time would have to be the BEST moments of my life. So I don't think knowing the gender takes anything away from the actual birth because it's a surprise anytime you find out. I personally just wait.

Kaci said...

I've always told people it was a surprise for us, but at our u/s instead of the delivery room. I can't say I was truly surprised either time though. I do think next time we might wait, just so we can say we experienced it both way, and to test my theory that it doesn't matter.

hkleineweber said...

In regards to gender. The first we found out, because I hate surprises. DH didn't want to know but I pushed and got my way. The second was sorta on a dare, A BFF of ours knew for sure I would cave and find out the gender. Just to prove him wrong we, it was almost as hard as labor (haha) but I held out. Honestly I was more excited at the 2nd birth just because we didn't know and hearing my DH tell me the gender instead of the doctor was very emotional for me. It wouldn't of mattered if we had a boy or girl, I was just thrilled to have a healthy baby. If we have more, we won't find out the gender unless DH wants to and again he will be the one to tell me.

Jenera said...

I'm a little crazy and tend to get way worked up over things so surprises are no good for me. I HAVE to know and plan and be prepared. When it took a few weeks longer to find out the sex of this baby, I was a mess. I had to know with Aidan and with this baby. It was not an option.

I think if you have the will power and love surprises, good for you. But I don't think knowing the sex took away from the delivery because as we all know, finding the sex from an US is not 100%, right?

There is so much going on with the delivery that I think the sex is the least important thing of it all.

Jennifer said...

I think I'm in the "surprise bfp" category, but without the IF part. I started on the boards and researching months before we officially started ttc and got my bfp 7 months after trying. It seemed like SO long yet I knew it could be much longer (and worse) after reading about other's experiences with IF....crap I'm doing it now.

Anyway, I didn't realize that admitting how lucky I am could be just as annoying to an IFer as bragging about how fast it happened. Thanks for showing me a glimpse of feelings from the other side.

Amanda said...

I can't really comment about knowing v/s not knowing the gender before birth since a) I know the gender and b) I've not given birth, yet. But I can say that I'm pretty sure I'd have gone nuts if I hadn't found out the sex of the twins. But that's just one of my issues. ;-)

As far as the guilty BFP...I've had some guilt over my first-medicated-cycle-BFP. And I'm aware how truly blessed I am. But to continually bring it up just seems ridiculous. So, in other words, I agree with you.