Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Emotional Schemotional.

Wow.

I am a big giant ball of emotions right now.

Now, if you would have asked me at any other time than now, I would tell you I am a tough girl who isn't emotional at all. I'd say things such as "I don't care what people think of me" and "I'm not a dumb emotional girl" and "I'm as tough as any guy".

Those would all be lies. While I don't care what most people think of me, of course I care about those important people around me. And if someone important to me is angry with me, I'm all about caring. As for being a "dumb girl", I don't like to admit it, but I've had my moments. I've played the games. I've been the jealous girl. I've cried over boys. As for me being tough as any guy? Ha. I'd like to be tough emotionally like a guy, but I'm not. I don't think I'm overly emotional, but I would probably be in the middle of the bell curve when it comes to emotions and being a girl.

The past few days though, a sadness has gripped me. It's not constant, but every few moments, I'll feel the biggest hole of emptiness ever. It started just on Saturday and I haven't been able to shake it. This is ~not~ like me. Although I do get emotional as I've pointed out above, this is all consuming right now. I'm crying sobbing multiple times a day. My heart feels fucking broken. I'm entertaining thoughts of just not having to go through life right now. (No, I'm not talking suicide. Not even close. I'm just thinking about how I hate feeling like I do right now and would rather just not have to 'live' through it. Like just go to sleep and wake up when I'm back to normal.)

It's got to be hormones. And I've got to get over it soon. The problem is, I don't know how. My brain is telling my heart to hurt. And to feed it, the part of my brain that I can't control keeps going over and over with things I can be terribly sad about: the death of my best friend, lost loves, etc. And even though the part of my brain I am in control of keeps reminding my heart of all the ~wonderful~ things I am happy about, my family, our health, my husband, my growing belly, it's not helping.

Today is the 4th day of this ineffable sadness. I'm so inexperienced with the caliber of these emotions, I don't know what to look for in it not being normal. How long should I allow myself to feel this way before wondering if I need help? Is there even a time limit?

43 comments:

Sarah R said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down, Nancy. I would definitely call your doctor and see if there is anything they can do. Maybe your hormones are all out of whack. I really have no suggestions or I'd offer them up. Hugs!!!

bleu said...

The only assvice I can give is to not fight them. That can make them worse and drag them out. So try to experience them and feel them all you can and know that is the way through them. To honor them and acknowledge them and experience them fully and then get through them. That is all I have.
I am so sorry hun.

Big hun coming your way energetically.

BTW, I truly believe experiencing all emotions fully is much much stronger than denying them or avoiding them like "guys."

AJ said...

I would call your doc asap. I know you haven't felt this way that long but you need to intervene now. At least get the docs opinion.

Hopefully that makes sense!

I'll be praying for you...like I always do.

*major hugs*

Simply AnonyMom said...

I am sorry you are feeling like that. I have been there and I know it is not good, fun or normal. I hope you do feel better quickly, and agree with PP's call your doc and see if they have advice.

Know there are many many people thinking about you right now.

Mareike said...

Nancy, this breaks my heart. Your feelings may well be the result of the effects of hormones but regardless of the cause you ARE feeling them. Asking for help is actually a good thing. Hell we all need help every day of our lives. In smoother times it just comes naturally and reciprocally and we don't think about it as getting, giving or needing help. Take care. I am thinking of you.

Sara said...

Aw, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Don't try to brush off these feelings - it is good to let it out!
I would actually call the doc and just let them know what it going on. I have heard of some women get what is like post partum depression, but it happens during pregnancy.
Hugs through cyberspace!

Morgan said...

I knew something just wasn't quite right with you when you posted the post about broken hearts. Whatever is making you feel this way, I hope you feel better soon. Just curious..do you or have you ever taken anxiety/depression meds?

Rebecca said...

Hang in there, it's crazy what pregnancy will do to you! Love your tatoo, BTW. Here's to a growing family (both yours and now mine)!

Jewels said...

I don’t even know what to say, I have so much experience my self (being a pro-baby over here) and not having my choice of numbing to rely on anymore, sometimes my emotions are bleeding and on fire and have had to turn to other tools to cope.
But for me, there is no real small answer. I have to constantly weed my garden, Process feelings, Yeah sure, sometimes I let them build up like until it's undeniably obvious I'm a mess, and It's upsetting to be that way, I don’t agree to it all the time. I feel like there should be a reason for the way I feel, ((sigh)) but it get's to exhausting to try to fight it or find answers, anymore I just try not to take it personal that I'm a mess, and I let the emotions flow through me - until they don’t anymore.
I do lots of things to try to get out of my self, but it all takes time to really come up, be felt and to pass, and I think some things we just don’t really ever get over.

nancy said...

Morgan, No. I've never taken any meds. Besides this episode, I've never come close to 'needing' them. I find nothing wrong with them, I just have never had depression issues.

Kaci said...

(((hugs))) - Sorry you are going through these feelings. It can't hurt to talk to your doctor. Pregnancy hormones are wacky and there could be something even wackier than normal going on. Hope it passes soon.

Wordgirl said...

Oh Nancy,

I am giving you a giant giant hug.

I know jack about carrying a baby BUT I have read a few things (go figure) that say that carrying a boy -- for some reason, has a higher rate of PPD -- now I"m wondering if perhaps there's a link here -- not to say that one can't just have blue days -- I am filled with that wrenching emotion -- lost loves, lost places, lost lives almost -- I've just attributed it to being 36 and being IN a life -- not on my way to one, you know?

Take care of yourself Nancy -- I'll be thinking of you and your kind heart.

Love,

Pam

Tricia said...

Nancy, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Maybe if things don't get better in a few days a call to the doctor is warrented. It couldn't hurt? Do you have a therapist you can talk to?

I am so so sorry that you are feeling so sad. I bet it is the hormones.. but, that doesn't make it better since you have a ways to go!

(((Hugs)))

Martha said...

Here's some ((Hugs)) and hoping the sadness passes soon or maybe you chase it out the door with a broom? Thank you for your comment on my blog. I was very touched to hear the story of your friend and her family. What a gift, thanks so much for sharing. I wish you the best for you and your family.

Lilith Silvermane said...

It breaks my heart to hear your sadness.

I wish there were some magic words I could use to heal those wounds, it just sounds like they need to be acknowledged. For what ever reason they want you to "feel" them.

*hugs*
Thinking about you.

Io said...

I hate being able to intellectualize my depression but still not get over it. I hope you feel better. I don't know how long you give it to go to normal on your own, but definitely before you stick your head in the oven. (I don't think the oven thing works anymore btw, just so ya don't get any ideas.)

margelina said...

Nancy,
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad right now. I've totally been there, pretty recently at that.
I did want to just say that I have read that a sign of post-partum depression can be tracing it back into pregnancy. Especially if there was no new "event" that seemed to bring it on. (like a new death of a family member/friend, accident or other traumatic occurence)Just something to keep in mind if you continue feeling this way. Also, please mention it to your doctor, just for the record. (((hugs)))

Elana Kahn said...

I'm so sorry you are in so much emotional pain right now. And I agree with everyone who says to talk to your doctor. Even though you're pregnant, there are still things that can be done so you don't feel this way. *HUGS*

Shea said...

When is your next doctor's appt? I would discuss it with him and if it's a while until you see him and these feelings continue, go ahead and give them a call.

Take care Nancy!

Beth said...

I am sorry for your sadness. I have felt waves of emotion too lately and don't know where it is coming from. It is the weirdest thing to where I feel like I could just start crying and don't know why. I hope that you get over this hump soon. ((HUGS))

Jenn said...

I hope you feel better soon. (ICLW)

Hollie said...

I'm so sorry you are sad Nancy. I don't know where the line is between normal sadness and sadness indicating a problem. I know hormones make us pregnant ladies a mess sometimes. Maybe you should call your dr and mention how you are feeling. I hope you get happy days soon.

Jendeis said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. With my experience, I'd say you need to do the things that will allow you to put off the sad feelings. Like, before I can be sad, I'll play with my kids for 20 minutes, or I'll read two chapters of this book while having a cuppa tea.

jenn said...

If you ever need to talk- call me.
I think it has to be the hormones too & maybe just acknowledging it & talking it out can help.
big hugs honey...

If you start to get worried or wonder when it's been too long- just talk to your doc. At the least they can reassure you that this is normal, which may help too.

Mareike said...

Nancy Darlin, whatever is happening with you (and I know with all my heart it will right itself) it appears you are not without a support network. While I was busy writing my first comment (which I started when there were none) four other people commented. You are well loved and well respected (I know you know but I thought I'd express it anyway.)

Laura said...

Hope the down is gone. It was a lovely day outside here today. Happy IComWeLeave too.

Katie said...

Oh hun, those crappy hormones....sending ((hugs)) your way and I hope this veil starts to lift soon.

~thinking of you~

ssbean said...

I completely understand your "normal." For the most part, I am an emotionally strong woman too. But, I do understand your feeling right now. I had it last night, but I think it was some form of anxiety...I have a little tonight too, but not too bad. Does it seem to happen at a certain time of the day more often? Just a thought. How's that mold situation at your work, not sure if that could have an affect or not. I'm sure, that pregnancy hormones can make you feel like this. But you've had 2 other pregnancies and if this is far from normal for you even during pregnancy, then by all means mention it to your doctor or something. Are you still getting you massages? When you are feeling down like this, don't ignore it and try to snap yourself out of it. That ultimately makes it worse. Work through it, try to figure out why you feel this way and work on possible solutions. Again, it may be as simple as pregnancy hormone stuff, but it could be a bigger problem that needs your attention. I hope you feel better soon and I hope this made sense.

Michelle said...

Sorry you are feeling so down.I would say if it more than a day or so then I would talk to your doctor. I usually allow my self a day to feel crappy and then try to do things to get my mind off of it. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for the comments on my blog that was very funny!

JamieD said...

I am sorry you are going through this. It is a terrible feeling to know in your mind things are okay, you just can't seem to convince your heart.

I hope things are all straight soon.

Kirsten said...

I wish I had magic words to make you feel better :(
I went through a period like that a few months ago where I'd just get in the shower and sob at night, just rehashing all the sad things my mind could come up with. I'm not sure what kicked me into the black hole and I'm not sure what brought me out.
It surely wouldn't hurt to mention this to your doctor and get their opinion.
Hope you feel you again, soon.

Denise said...

I think you should call your doc and at least talk about it. Even if they tell you to suck it up for awhile, you should still ask. I wonder if you are maybe experiencing prenatal depression?

I've had times where I make stuff up in my head that hasn't happened and isn't likely to happen (like DH dying or my parents, etc.) and get myself all worked up to sobbing over something that HASN'T EVEN HAPPENED. When this happened prior to my pregnancy, the counselor we were seeing said this was a form of nesting (i.e. preparing your life and your emotional self for a baby). I don't know, but generally when I find myself thinking those thoughts now, I forcefully push the thoughts away and try to focus on the good in life right now. Easier said than done.

I hope you feel better soon. Wish you lived closer so we could have a good cry fest. That is sounding quite appealing at the moment.

Geohde said...

If it becomes bad enough that you're worried for your health or you can't function, see someone. Please?

I'm so sorry you feel like shite.

xx

J

Poltzie said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Everything I was going to say has already been said so I won't repeat.
Take care of yourself, I'm thinking of you!

Motel Manager said...

I think that two weeks is typically what is considered longer than just "the blues." But I'd go ahead and talk to your doctor and get referred to a psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in prepartum and postpartum depression -- even just booking an appointment might make you feel better. (I am totally in assvice territory here, so take it with a grain of salt.)

I was considered high risk for PPD because of infertility, hyperemesis, and one past episode of major depression. Around 7/8 months, I started seeing a psychiatrist in case I needed to go on meds after my son's birth. We did some talk therapy and also discussed what the med options were for PPD. Once I had the baby, I went every week for a while. As it turned out, I never got PPD, but perhaps part of the reason was that I already had this support in place. I even had a Zol0ft prescription in case I needed to fill it, but I never did. Just having it and having my appointments scheduled made me feel better somehow.

Anyway, just an assvicey idea. Lots and lots of hugs headed your direction!

Michelle said...

Hormones. Don't underestimate the hormones. Crazy little hormones, you can't control them. Being aware of what's going on is most of the battle... good work keeping your brain in check, not everyone is that strong.

siscaboo said...

I get that way when I am pregnant. My hormones get all flippidy floppidy. ( are those words?).

But, I agree with everyone. If you feel like you can't work out of it yourself, speak to your doctor.

BIG (((HUGS)))

ICLW

Cece said...

Oh sweetie. Feeling down just sometimes happens to the best of us. And do you really think that men are so emotionally tough? I don't - they just do other things. Go ahead and cry - it's better than bottling it up inside!

Morgan said...

Come on..I need a "happy" nancy post. You're making me depressed over here!

Lisa said...

Nancy,

I hope that this passes quickly and that you returm to your normal self soon. It sucks to feel down. I am sure that it is simply the hormones.

I am sending you positive thoughts and a big hug...

Misty said...

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way Nancy. I hope you can pull through soon. Can't say that I know exactly how you feel but TTC does that to me. I have months where I just sob and binge. As a matter of fact, I was like that 2 weeks ago. Sometimes the weather makes it worse.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Debateur said...

I'm sorry that you are going through this Nancy. I hope you get some relief soon. Talking to some people that care about you might help.

Kristine said...

I went through a couple weeks very similar to what you are describing when I was about six/seven months pregnant. There were several days when I just could not stop crying. I thought I was going insane. All I can think is it was hormones because eventually it went away.

Hope you feel better soon! And if you don't, please talk with your doctor.