I'm still in my funk but I think it may be hitting me a little less today.
I'm totally FINE when working or distracted. I can go and do all my normal things. And then when my mind isn't on something, I feel the sadness. My heart will suddenly do a flip flop and just ~hurt~.
I went to the bookstore and looked through depression resources and this doesn't sound like it at all. I mean, it does, but not something so suddenly. So I'm going to make sure I'm just getting better and if it's not resolved by next week, I'll bring it up to my OB.
Regarding me not thinking it's depression, I just mean it's not the run of the mill depression. I've got many of the symptoms I think, but it just came on so suddenly. I've never dealt with depression before, nor have I ever had PPD.
The most serious thing right now is I'm not eating and I know I have to. So I'm going to have to watch myself here and thankfully, I'm already completely aware of it.
I wanted to thank you all for your concern. Someone commented that they've had enough of 'sad nancy' and wants 'normal nancy' back. Well, believe me, so do I. I'm not excited about sobbing myself to sleep at night.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
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September
(38)
- What is Infertility?
- He's back.
- Just a little question ...
- It's missing
- Oy vey.
- Daycare costs ...
- My TTC Predictions
- Online shopping == a naughty Nancy.
- Here is something bound to piss someone off.
- 7 ~more~ random things about me.
- What's that? A light?
- No change really.
- Emotional Schemotional.
- Spent the day in the hospital.
- Why does it actually ~hurt~?
- We kicked some ass tonight.
- Math.
- Rambling.
- Are you in my reader?
- "My Favorite Joke"
- A question for everyone going to appointments (RE ...
- Schnarkiness.
- The Weekend Update (and a discussion?)
- Sexist?
- My answers and new opinions.
- Yes! (A story about boobies.)
- Well, Hello There!
- Day Six ...
- Day Five ...
- Day Four ...
- We have named our son. Karl James.
- Day Three ...
- Day Two ...
- Day One ...
- My "halfway" Dr Appt Update and my Goodbye ...
- No one got rich.
- Pet peeve?
- It's not a real week.
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September
(38)
24 comments:
Shit, I just feel so bad that you are feeling so bad. I am sorry.
I know you don't need to be told this, but the momma in me is telling you to try to eat something. For Karl. Even if you don't feel like eating, he does.
Okay, done with my "talkin' to". I hope you get to feeling more like yourself sometime soon.
Oh Nancy Im sorry you still arent feeling well. We all have our funks here and there. I know that when I was prego with DS I got the blues and it seemed like all at once all of the things that I had been sad for in life we coming back to haunt me and flood me with tears. I would cry for nothing and was just a mess. I belive that its a big thing to do with the rise and fall of our hormones. And when you are prego you know that you have more of everything. Just hang in there and do the best that you can to get through this and you are right if you dont feel better soon then make sure and tell the doc. And you are so good to see that you need to eat and make sure little Karl is getting bigger and bigger by the moment!!! **HUGS GIRL** Aubrey (webmd ksmommy27)
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I went through depression basically my entire teen years and I know it's no fun. It's good that you at least recognize what is goin on and are willing to deal with it. I wish I would have. But teenagers aren't the brightest. :)
You need to eat.
And no, I don't think the oven thing works anymore. A gas oven would still take forever, don't you think? My great grandma went out like that but that was way back in the day.
I hope the doctor has some good answers and you can get yourself back soon.
I'm sorry you are in such a funk. I hope you find your way back to you soon!
There is such a thing as depression during pregnancy, I think it is called prenatal depression (obvious though isn't it?). I read about it recently in either Conceive magazine or Twins Magazine. Just like postpartum depression, it is more common than we realize.
I had a combo of PPD and PTSD - even though I knew I was sad (and a bitch) I couldn't pull myself out of it. I opted for medication as diet changes and trying to do it on my own didn't work. Talk with your doctor to see if she/he has any ideas of dietary changes, or even exercises, you could try during pregnancy that might help.
I'm sorry Nancy. I hope you are back to your old self again soon.
You (of course) should eat but don't fret over hurting little Karl when you don't. He'll be fine, you'll be the one to suffer. I imagine this to be an unpopular opinion but really the baby will continue to take from you what he needs. Sometimes sobbing is a good and helpful thing. Don't hold back. Well, maybe in front of your girls, on the other hand I bet they could understand that you sometimes feel sad without knowing why. Kids know a whole lot more than we give them credit for.
I'm here if you need to talk (whether writing or over the phone).
I ~am~ eating ... I just have to force myself to do it.
changes in daylight maybe?
i've heard that affects pregnant women far more sever than a normal person.
sunlight bulbs may help. Just a thought :)
Hon, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I'm here. Hugs.
The time change is a good idea. After fall back it would make me so sad going back and forth to work. Working 12-hr night shifts, it was depressing to never see the sun.
Want to know what I do when I am feeling down? I go back and read your story about Scary Guy Pills.
I'll even leave you think link so you don't have to look for it.
http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com/2008/05/scary-guy-plls-part-2.html
Thinking of you.
I hope the trend of feeling better continues & you are back to 'normal nancy' soon. love & hugs hon.
no words, just (((hugs)))
Nancy....I'm sorry that you're feeling the way that you are. With Taylor, I had the same problem. One thing I found that helped was (this is goign to sound super wierd).....hubby would take Hannah and I would fill the tub with scalding hot water and put 20 drops of chamomile oil in it (approved by doctor). I would sit on the toilet or bean bag chair...shut my eyes for a few minutes and relax....I know that when I was pregnant with Taylor, I was so busy making sure that everyone else's life went smooth (including work) that it sucked the life/emotions right out of me. Taking a few minutes for myself helped a lot. The most important thing is that you are aware of how you are feeling. I'll definately be sending soothing thougths your way. Spending time on yourself is going to be your greatest ally in the coming months.
Nancy - just know I'm thinking of you. I know you'll do what you need to do for your little one, and I hope that these feelings pass soon. You're going to get through this - we're always here to listen. ((hugs))
I am really sorry that you are not feeling like yourself lately. I wonder if you may benefit from just quickly journaling or jotting down both the details (time of day, what you are doing, etc) and your feelings whenever you feel this way. This may be helpful to either pick up a pattern or at least help you OB identify some of the details you may forget with you pregnant fogginess.
It sucks when our body and mind do things we are unprepared for. Just listen to your body for now and relish in the times you are feeling better.
I feel bad for you! That sucks. I am 23 weeks myself and have been feeling kind of down - maybe it's a hormonal thing at this stage of pregnancy. You have the right mental attitude though - now if only the rest of you would follow. Hoping you feel better soon!
I definitely think its the hormones, so hopefully your OB can be of some help. In the mean time I'm sending lots of hugs. Hang in there!
I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little tiny bit better, but you still sound sad. But it's good you realize that something right not be right and you're willing to ask for help. Just keep that mindset. We are all thinking about you here and hope you feel better soon. It must be something to not be hungry... I'm like an eating machine over here! Hungry hungry hippo...
~hugs~ Just thinking about you - so I tagged you, I know you probably get a ton, but there's another one.
::big fat hugs:: I was out of town and just got caught up. I'm glad everything is okay with Karl-I got a little scared at first just looking at your post titles!
Anywho, I have been just like you are describing a few times off and on over the last few months. I however have a history with bad depression and anxiety attacks so I know I can sleep it off and just take it a day at a time.
I'm not sure what causes it-I know with all the hormones us pregnant ladies have it doesn't help. For me it seems like when I get too overwhelmed with life, growing a baby, worrying about the baby, worrying about bills, etc. Even when things are seemingly okay it's all the little things that will get you.
It might be good to mention it to the OB, I do because of my past, I don't want to go off the deep end and my hubby keeps an eye on me for extra measure. But in my opinion, knowing there's an issue-even with no fix-is better than pretending everything is okay.
::HUGS::
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