Maybe, maybe. A light at the end of the tunnel.
I haven't cried since lunchtime yesterday. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I almost just teared up talking about it right now, but it was adverted.
I'm able to ~think~ of all the sad things now without breaking. Sure, the sad things are still quite sad, but I've got to live my life as it is now. And dwelling on the past isn't going to do me any good. Be happy for the time you get with people and don't regret what you can't change.
I don't quite believe the "everything happens for a reason" stuff, but it certainly applies a lot. Most things happen because we make or let them happen, so of course there is always a reason. But when things out of our control happen, it didn't happen for our reasons, but for a reason of their own. What a weird statement when you really think about it.
Let me give my usual bulleted updates for the other things that have happened during my 5 dark days.
~ It seems I am not gaining weight like I usually do. Scale today shows me up not even a pound from 3 weeks ago. Let's do the math ... I was 145 before IVF (6 weeks before my FET). My beginning BFP weight was 154. Now, at ~23w, I'm 157. I guess I should look at the gain between 145 pre-ivf to now, giving me a 12lb weight gain instead of the bfp to now gain of 3 lbs. At 24w with my others I was already up 24lbs. So this is a much different experience for me. And just so you understand, I am totally ~okay~ with weight gain. I lose it, so it's okay. I gained 50 lbs with each of my girls and lost it all each time. So, I'm letting my body do what it needs to do.
~ The cursor has been sitting on this one for almost 10 minutes now. Do I really not have any other updates? I guess not. It's been a bad week.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
-
▼
2008
(515)
-
▼
September
(38)
- What is Infertility?
- He's back.
- Just a little question ...
- It's missing
- Oy vey.
- Daycare costs ...
- My TTC Predictions
- Online shopping == a naughty Nancy.
- Here is something bound to piss someone off.
- 7 ~more~ random things about me.
- What's that? A light?
- No change really.
- Emotional Schemotional.
- Spent the day in the hospital.
- Why does it actually ~hurt~?
- We kicked some ass tonight.
- Math.
- Rambling.
- Are you in my reader?
- "My Favorite Joke"
- A question for everyone going to appointments (RE ...
- Schnarkiness.
- The Weekend Update (and a discussion?)
- Sexist?
- My answers and new opinions.
- Yes! (A story about boobies.)
- Well, Hello There!
- Day Six ...
- Day Five ...
- Day Four ...
- We have named our son. Karl James.
- Day Three ...
- Day Two ...
- Day One ...
- My "halfway" Dr Appt Update and my Goodbye ...
- No one got rich.
- Pet peeve?
- It's not a real week.
-
▼
September
(38)
25 comments:
I'm glad to hear there's a bit of light dear nancy -- funny because I talked about light today too...
xo
Pam
Bad weeks SUCK!
Here's hoping for better times - soon - for both of us!
Nancy - you seem to be dealing with so much right now. Hang in there - I wish you better times soon.
Sorry for the bad week, hopefully you get out of the funk soon.
I'm glad you are feeling better. Bad weeks do indeed suck!
I've always heard that you gain more weight with girls than boys. I always just chalked it up to old wives tales and left it at that but maybe it's true?
Do you find you are carrying differently with Karl than your girls, or has every pregnancy been different?
I'm so your week has been so bad, hope it gets better real soon!
Keep fighting the fight.
I'm glad to hear you are starting to feel better!
It's good to know that you are feeling better. Just take it one day at a time. If that's too much, then take it one hour at a time...
As for the weight gain, our bodies know what they need to do. I was shocked to find that I only gained 27 pounds for my pregnancy (and I had over 13 pounds of baby). I was certain that with it being a twin pregnancy I would have gained a lot more. But obviously that is all that my body needed to maintain a healthy pregnancy. Maybe since this pregnancy is a boy and not a girl, your body is needing different things...
Take care!
so sorry to read youve been down lately.. i hope that things start to look bright again! (((BIG HUGS)))
BTW i will be out your way in a week :) we will have to make up a plan!
I know that the reason you didn't cry yourself to sleep was because of that wonderful cream puff I brought you. 5 dark days and look what helps-a fresh baked cream puff. Ha!
I am glad that you are feeling a little better. Like I said things just pile up, sometimes without you even realizing it. Just try to take it day by day and even moment by moment. This too shall pass!
((Hugs))
I wouldn't worry about the lack of weight gain if the baby is growing normally. I only gained a total of 10 lbs with my #2, and she weighed just under 8 lbs at birth. And, I ate anything and everything I wanted, so it was just a different pregnancy for me. I think my other 2 pregnancies were 25-35lbs or so.
Glad you are straing to feel better! Now, go feed that baby!!!
Glad things are looking up! :)
I'm an emotional roller coaster these days... Maybe you can rub off on me a little?
:)
I'm so glad things are looking brighter. Sometimes it's just time & getting through it- then you can shut that door so to speak (on the sadness & depression & being stuck in it, not necesarily on the memories that are sad, you know?)
I am starting to think we are having mirror pregnancies 11-ish weeks apart. I am up a single pound at 12 weeks. I'm okay with it since I was maybe 12 pounds over what I'd really like to be about 2 months before bfp. No clue what I was until 5 weeks after bfp when all of a sudden I was down 7 pounds. So somehow it's all working out, I am a little afraid that my body holds weight, but I won't let that dictate my pregnancy gain. Maybe I've got a little penis in there too... ;o) Maybe that is the reason!
I hope next week is fantastic to make up for this one sucking so much.
Oh, Nancy. I read your 'sad' posts yesterday, woke up this morning and wondered how you were. I'm glad you feel a little bit better ... I got REALLY down during pregnancy too, and wondered what was going on.
((((((((HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}
xoxoxox
Glad to hear you are feeling up. That is the only update we needed!
I'm glad your mood is lifting; something is better than nothing. HUGS, girlie!
--------
I tagged you in my blog. :) Although I think Jewels already tagged you, so this might be a double-tag. We double-tag teamed Nancy...LOL!
You mentioned in the previous post that you don't feel as much like eating as usual. Could that be related to the weight plateau?
Also, my pregnancies have never lasted beyond the 6th week, but my understanding is that there are week with no weight gain, just as there are weeks with big gain sometimes. Hopefully it should even out soon.
Hang in there!
Glad to hear that there's a light at the end of the tunnel Nance... Dark weeks are never fun, but they happen...
Thinking of you
xxx
Hope you have a great weekend.
Yea, the ticker is wrong. Its a day off. I can't seem to fix it. :(
I hope today finds you feeling one step better. It always makes me feel better to have a weekend off. Maybe you can do something fun with the girls.
Good to hear things are lightening up a bit for you. I was SO worried about wieght gain with pregnancy - I was overweight and weight obsessed to begin with, and the weight gained with all the IF stuff certainly didn't help. But I've just been eatting well and not obsessing, and gained about 15 pounds so far. I'm happy to see my body just doing what it needs to do.
I'm glad to see your coming out of the funk. Even if only marginally.
I love to look at your belly pics. Ok, that just sounded weird (lol). I just miss being pregnant and i love to look at the changes that occur over time. It truly is a miracle, isn't it?
Hang in there, girl. I totally understand where you are right now. I've been a fucked-up mess this entire pregnancy, and this GD diagnosis is kicking my ass. We'll make it, though.
Post a Comment