Pooping while pushing out a baby.

I recently talked about this subject on my "home" pregnancy message board, but thought it was interesting enough to bring it to my blog too.

When I was pregnant with my first, pooping while pushing was an unknown to me. I never read that chapter in my "what to expect" book. My Lamaze teacher also didn't mention it. But apparently, it's a common thing to happen. My thoughts are - if it's so damned common, why the hell doesn't the new mom-to-be know about it? To be fair, I did know about unexpected diarrhea where the woman took Castor oil to get labor going, but I know the Castor oil simply aggravates your colon, which in turn, can start labor. So I know not to go that route. But I didn't know normal pooping was a part of this.

I first heard about it from a guy at work. There I was, approaching birth and it somehow is brought up during lunch. (yes, lunch.) He said he was surprised when his wife pooped while pushing out their first child. He went on to say it wasn't the fact she pooped and he saw it, as it was cleared away by the nurse really quickly and no one said anything about it, but this is what got me... He said, "I could not believe that smell came out of my wife. I'll never forget the stench."

Oh. My. God.

I'm sure this poor woman has no idea he is telling this story to his work buddies. Hell, I don't even know if she knows she pooped. But the possibility of my husband keeping it from me and telling his friends just completely and totally horrifies me. It bothered me so much that as I approach my due date, my meals become more of a liquid diet (think soup broth) in hopes I don't have to unload while pushing.

Thankfully, when labor was upon me with my first two babies, the labors were long and my system was working overtime, so I was able to accomplish everything I needed to, um, "remove" before it was time to push. And to tell you the truth, I have no idea if I did or not, but my husband knew of my fear, so if he did see something, his lips are sealed. So I'm just going to pretend I did not have this happen.

Well, in speaking about this to the random message board, I got a lot of responses.

~ "When it comes time, you won't care."
-- Um, yes I will. I have gone through this twice. And yes, the pain is real and you will do what you need to do. But while the nurse was holding my right leg and my husband was holding my left and counting to 10 with each contraction, I was chanting in my head "don't poop. don't poop. don't poop." So yeah, when the time comes, I ~do~ think of it. And honestly, if the deal was I had to take a 5 lb crap in the doctor's hand to get the baby out, I'd happily do it. I just don't want my husband involved. My husband is the one who has to keep everything he sees separate from my sexiness, so it's already a fine line he has to walk. I'd rather not add a big crap to it.

~ "Everyone does it."
-- No, everyone does not do it. In my 5 years of knowing about this issue, I've discussed it with a lot of women. Yes, some women do poop. But many don't. It is common, I understand that. And I know when it happens, it's taken care of without as much as a syllable uttered. But really, I'd rather it just not happen all together.

~ "A liquid diet will give you liquid poop!"
-- Again, no. I'm careful with what I eat and the past two times has saved my ass, literally. But no big bouts of diarrhea has happened. It's not like I'm going to eat big bowls of liquid chilies.

~ "You can always opt for an enema"
-- I actually don't know too much about this. I know it was once offered and some hospitals still offer it. I don't know if my hospital is one of them or not, but I've not needed it. I'll cross that bridge if and when it comes.

~ "That woman's husband was terrible. I know my husband wouldn't say that!"
-- All I can say is that guy's wife probably would say the exact same thing.

~ "Your husband won't care. We'd be able to laugh about it! Of course he knows that you poop, it's only human!"
-- Uh-huh. I understand he wouldn't stand and point and laugh at me. And I know he knows I poop. But I'm a private pooper, I don't talk about it and we don't joke about it. And really, pooping in the privacy of your bathroom and pooping spread eagle on a table while one of the most important things in your life is happening? Totally different. And I'd just rather pooping not be a part of birthing my child.

I'm really not a prude, I promise. I just don't want to take a shit in front of my husband moments before my child comes out of my vagina. Birth is traumatic enough for my husband to deal with. You know that "no sex for 6 weeks" rule the OB gives a new mom? I truly believe it's simply time for the father to get over the sight of seeing a baby come out of what has always been his favorite play toy.

Ah, the joys of childbirth. Or should I say, the joys of my totally irrational fears?

p.s.

Two quickies to add to my last post ...

1. Updated the family photo album, which you can click on from my other blog.

2. When you click over to my other blog, the post underneath the "new pictures" post was quite a doozy about infertility and my pregnancy. It may be a little too brash, hence why I didn't post it here, but after reading it a few days after I wrote it, I think it's a good post because it says a lot about how I feel about my infertility, especially after my pregnancies. Or should I say my non-infertility?

Odds and Ends and Presents (Oh My!)

Bunches and bunches of stuff to say, in no particular order.

~ Upon returning home, we were met with packages galore sitting on our front porch awaiting our arrival. One of the packages caught my eye immediately, as it was from Australia! Oh yes, a package from the (in)famous Miss Topcat herself. First off, I was a little giddy because I think she's one of the cool kids, so getting something from her made me feel like my own coolness quotient rose a little bit. But presents! I was so excited to see what she sent, I ripped into it before I even took my post 2 hour car trip pee. Now ~that~ is what I define as excited.

The package was full of little things for the boy that was once her monkey's. Cute little onesies and jammies and pants and booties and hats. I did, however, cock my head to the side in wonder of a few items...


I don't know about how things are down under, but pink is definitely a ~girl~ color. But these little pants are for boys. The solid hot pink one screams "girl" to me, but the pink seamed zebra print pants are kinda punk rock in an emo sort of way. I love em though. My husband, on the other hand, is one of those archaic type men who think dressing a boy in pink will "make them" gay, but I don't care. He's wearing them. Well, at least he'll wear the punk ones. ~wink~


This tag made me do a double take. Apparently ~this~ onesie is a "low" on the fire danger scale. Do they make "medium" and "high"? I wonder what they'd look like. Maybe built in firecrackers and sparklers. Maybe even a zippo! How cool would that be?

She could have stopped right there, but instead, there was a wrapped present in there too! The card was awesome and has already been placed in his baby book. And then, the presents. Good lord, each was so fucking awesome and ~so~ ME. Check 'em out for yourself ...


Awesome, eh? Rock Star and Punk. Oh yeah. And then the last one proves we both are still softies and like cute little items too.

But I did save the best for last ...

I laughed my ass off. P.E.R.F.E.C.T. (if anyone remembers, one of karl's possible take-home outfits is a shirt that says "boobies. because i like to suck them.")

So thank you Miss TopCat. Thank you very very much! (email is coming too.)

~ Another package we received was a large box, 6ft x 3ft x 2ft. It actually arrived as we were literally backing out of the driveway on Wednesday, so we were able to open the garage and push it in. Upon opening it today, we found 2 genuine seats from Fenway. They are the red seats which sat at row CC, so 3rd row. We got seats 1 & 2. Do you know how many Red Sox games were watched from these very seats? And they were taken right from Fenway this season, so they've seen 2 world series wins too. The history I feel looking at these seats is amazing. What am I going to do with these seats? Beats me. But owning a little bit of Fenway? Fucking priceless.

~ My dad is doing FANTABULOUS. Check out the timeline: Monday - Stress test shows something abnormal. Tuesday - Angiogram scheduled. Wednesday - Quadruple bypass. Thursday - Doing so well, moved out of ICU after only 24 hours. Friday - Continued to pass all the tests. Saturday - Sent home first thing in the morning. Seriously, he's home less than 72 hours after open heart surgery. Thank you all again for all the well wishes. I can't tell you how much they all meant to me.

~ I updated my new picture on the right sidebar. I'm just not that large at all this time. Hrm.

~ I really, really, really wish Emily would POAS. She's getting herself all riled up without knowing what's really happening. I don't know one way or the other, but at least she wouldn't have to torment herself when there could be a very possible good outcome. (said with nothing but love, of course).

~ I really love orange soda. Sunkist is the best.

~ I have a shitload of laundry to do.

~ Where does the word "shitload" come from? Pretty gross when you think about it.

~ I got a little grouping of fever blisters on my lower lip this weekend. I get them when stressed (in laws for 4 days) and/or when the weather changes. It happens about twice a year and it sucks. Thankfully I had my acyclovir with me (which I already had approved by OB) so I was able to take them when I first felt the twinges in my lip. This means the blisters didn't have a chance to get big and gross, but my lower lip is still red. And my glands under my jawline are swollen and ultra painful. So it still sucks. Just not as much as it could have sucked.

~ We went to a trout hatchery this morning and fed zillions of fish little food pellets. It was creepy watching all these fish jump and writhe all together. And they smelled bad. I kept thinking of how gross it would be to fall in one of those tanks. It's one thing I can cross off my list of anything I'd ever want to do again.

~ I received two awards from the amazing Kymberli!! Thank you Kymberli!!! You rule yourself, you know?

First is the Red Cape Award which she created herself:


Kymberli said of my blog, "No one can unleash "schnarky daggers" like she can." Wow. Now THAT makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! And bravo for using the word 'schnarky' in her description on me.

Second is:


Part of the rules to receiving this award is: "You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post" (There are other rules, but I'm a notorious rule breaker.) so here are mine.

My 5 addictions that keep me going (again, in no particular order):
1. Text messaging. Yup, I'm just like a teenager.
2. Punk Rock. (and all other music on my iPod)
3. Bi-weekly 1 1/2 hour professional massages.
4. Daily grande nonfat black & white mocha, no whip.
5. Blogging. Duh.

~ That's about it for now. I've got to go get all caught up on all my blogs I've missed out in reading over the past few days. I may not be able to comment on everyone, since I have a few hundred blogs to read right now, but you better believe I'll read each and every one. ~Smooches~ to you all!

This is not a witty title.

I have always hated giving titles to things. It was the worst part of English class - naming my papers. I tried to give my papers the title of "Title" multiple times, but I always got marked off. ~shrug~. My teachers had zero sense of humor.

Thanks for everyone who gave good thoughts/wishes for my father, that was really super nice of each and every one of you. What a day to give thanks, eh? I just talked to them and he's doing ~great~. Getting all his tubes and stuff out, passing all his breathing tests and they are going to move him out of ICU into his "normal" room today. Yay!

I'm in Salida, Colorado for a few days and he's in Phoenix. So no, I'm not with them. Instead, I'm at the most beautiful house with breath taking mountain views. It's my in-law's house and I'm in love with the area here. I'm taking it as easy as I can as my wonderful hubby has told me HE will be taking care of everything so I can rest. I'm taking advantage.

In baby news ...

I had a bit of a scare last night. The baby is in a really uncomfortable position and the last part of the drive yesterday was starting to really hurt. When I got out of the car, I went to lay down on the couch and the contractions started. Every 2-3 minutes. I started downing water and timing them, hoping to god they would start to peeter out. My father in law is the CEO of the hospital here in town, so with just a simple call I'd have the best care (not that they don't care for others just as well, but when treating the big boss's daughter in law and only grandson, I'm sure they'd jump a little higher.), but I did NOT want to go to L&D to get a shot of terbutaline. Yuck. Thankfully, they started to get further and further away from one another, and by the time they ended 4 hours later, I was only getting 2-3 in an hour.

I had ultrasound #18 yesterday and found baby boy to be in yet another new position. Still transverse, but heading for breech status. Ugh.

As you can see by my drawing ...


... he is in a fabulous position to kick the shit out of my bladder, causing great pain and a great need to pee like every 30 seconds. So he arches up into my ribs and side and kicks me in the bladder and cervix. When I sit in an upright position, he really does a thing or two to my cervix which is why I think I had all those contractions.

And may I say that I SUCK at drawing on the computer? I don't see how Mel and Geohde does it. Their paint pictures are so damned cute and I end up with a baby that looks very much like the Grinch.

Happy T-day to you all. Don't eat too much. No one likes to feel overly full.

He's out of surgery

Thanks for all the well wishes, I ~really~ appreciate it.

My dad is out of surgery after 6 hours in. The surgery went exactly as according to plan, except they weren't able to bypass 2 veins with one bypass, so he ended up with a quadruple bypass.

He's recovering now in ICU and will spend at least another day there. Then they will move him to his own room. My mom said his color was good and he looked much better than she thought he would. Surgeon said all his numbers were perfect and all he has to do now is heal.

~Whew~.

Could I get some good thoughts here please? (updated)

Just heard my father is going to have a triple bypass in the morning. Weird. He's perfect weight, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. He excercises. Still, 4 arteries are blocked. Ugh.

He's 72 years old and I'm worried.

update: It's a triple bypass with 4 clogged arties because 2 of the arteries will be bypassed with one "new" vein. Hence the "triple" and not "quadruple".

Just a whole bunch of niceness.

I have a subject brewing in my head which I'll be posting about soon, but for today, I thought I'd just make a big ~nice~ post, pretty much thanking a bunch of people for being awesome.

Just when I thought no one liked me, I received a bunch of awards and even a few presents in the mail! So I wanted to take the time to thank everyone here.

Presents!

First, we have this cute little number which I received quite unexpectedly from The Captain's Wife who blogs for Staying Above Water.


Isn't it adorable? Since our nursery has a monkey theme to it, it's just perfect! So thank you K, you definitely didn't need to but I'm glad you did!


Second, I just got this today from my dear friend Jenn who blogs for The Oasis.


Another outfit I have to say is "perfect", since we are a family deeply ingrained into the Red Sox Nation. And check out those little booties! I can't believe I'll have a little one in less than 9 weeks that will fit into those. And the hat? Oh yes, she crocheted it. Just adds to it's awesomeness, eh?


The next thing I would like to say thank you for is all the people who nominated me for this award:


Amanda, ElephantsCanRemember, Jayme, JamieD, KimboSue, and To a T all nominated little old me for this award and I couldn't be happier. And these women all write blogs that I too read regularly, never missing a post, so I can honestly say "right back atcha"!


Everyone, thank you. Thank you so very much. Little things like this really can make my day brighter. And To K and Jenn, thank you so much for going the extra mile and actually sending me a gift! I wish I could reciprocate right now, but your fantasic good karma will have to do for now. ~smooches~ to you all!

~

And just to end on a funny note, I POAS today. Yes, yes I did. I found it while looking for something else and it was about to expire, so I decided to not waste it by totally wasting it. So if you want to know what a FRER looks like when you are 31w3d pregnant, check it out here.

NFL uniforms are ~not~ "cute".

I married my opposite. I never liked sports. I'm into punk rock, tattoos and roller derby. But the guy I fell in love with listened to hip hop and loved all sports. So I married into the red sox nation and now I like all things new england. I genuinely ~love~ baseball now, but as for the other sports? I can't really call myself a "fan". At least not a true fan.

So today, we're watching about 8 different games at one time and I start to talk about their uniforms and logos. Well, I looked up a website which showed all the teams uniforms on one page and I started critiquing them, asking him his opinions. We were ~not~ discussing how much we liked a team, but how much we liked their colors/logo.

Tom said his favorite was the Raiders. I questioned "black and silver? really?" and he said "there is nothing more intimidating with an all black uniform." I say "no, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm looking at who has the prettiest outfits."

Apparently me calling a team's uniform a "pretty outfit" was too much for my husband to take. I just got the head shake and the conversation was over. heh.

How clean is your water?

I just took such a nice bath. My back was hurting so I asked my hubby to draw me a bath and he did such a good job! He put in lavender bubbles, brought in clean towels, set a brand new magazine on the side, brought in my radio from my shower and even gave me a nice cold glass of orange juice. I mean really. How awesome can he be? All that from "honey, can you make me a bath? My back hurts and I want to soak." Yeah, he rules.

Anywho, in regards to the title of this post, I was reading in the newest issue of Self about the best/worst cities for this and that. Our little city, Colorado Springs, was mentioned four times! Looks like we get the award for Least Hypertension, Least Diabetes and Cleanest water, which, I might add, totally rocks. I love our water here. I can't taste the difference between tap water and bottled water which makes drinking water so much easier here. I got so used to drinking out of the tap that I forget our water rules and when I'm traveling, I'll inadvertently take a drink out from the tap regardless of the city I'm in. And oh.my.god. Some people's water really, really sucks. I've actually had to spit water out before. I remember watching the news about testing our city's water supply and the lab who performed the test said our water was just as good as the sterile water they have to use in their testing.

So there I am, soaking and gloating over my city's water and I catch our city's name in the 4th category... "Most Suicides". Really? This one totally and completely shocks me. I would have never ever guessed that one. I guess that's what I get for gloating about our water and lack of hypertension and diabetes.

After the bath I dried off and got under the sheets with tom. I love getting all snuggly right after a bath when my body temp is still extra warm. That was an hour ago and let's just say that I'm even more nice and relaxed now. hint~hint~wink~wink. Ahhh. I just don't have much to complain about right now.

Gotta go get my iclw comments in today. I didn't realize it started yesterday, so I have to get 10 comments and 2 returns in. There are 110 on the list this month and I'm already behind, so I doubt I'll get in iron commenter this month. Boooo. But I know I can at least get in the required amount. Actually, I always make the minimum because I do leave that many comments on the blogs I regularly read, but during iclw, I like to stick to the iclw list. They are the ones who are putting in the work too, so I like to do my part in opening up my eyes to new blogs I may really get into.

Happy ICLW! "Talk" to you tomorrow.

psst...

I've updated the family website, which many of you just simply won't be interested in because it's what it is. But if you want to peek at it, go here. Just follow the link to the "photo album" (By the way, they are ~not~ just a bunch of pictures. Instead, it's a hand picked selection of my favorites over each month complete with captions. I like this better than when people just link to their entire photo album and you are faced with hundreds and thousands of pictures, many of the same event..)

What bugs you?

What very normal things does your close family/friends do that just drives you crazy? And I'm not talking your normal "pet peeves" here that would probably bother just about anyone. I'm talking about the thing someone does that would ~not~ bother anyone else, but to you, it'll drive you absolutely up the wall?

For me it is the way my husband eats everything in twos. I don't think it's possible for him to put ONE chip in his mouth. Or one french fry. Or one of any 'finger food' small enough to get two in. Which, unfortunately, results in a larger bite, resulting in a louder crunch. The guy eats with his mouth closed (most of the time), but the initial giant bits of two just is too much for my brain to bear.

He's eating doritos right now and two at a time, he's sticking them in his mouth. And of course, he's not eating them in more than one bite, so the mouth opens as wise as possible as he sticks two of those chips in there. And as the mouth/lips are closing, the gimongous ~CRUNCH~ flies out towards my poor, innocent ears.

I can not stand it! I literally have to get up and go to another room until he's done. And watch out if I say anything! Oh good lord, no! Apparently it's my problem and that's that. And maybe it is, but after 10 years of knowing how much it bugs me, I don't think I have much chance at getting this little thing "fixed".

Ah well, it just makes my purchase of my noise cancellation headphones even that much better. I put these babies on and pure silence, even 8 feet away from chipman.

So tell me, what silly *seinfeldish thing bothers you?


* I call these things "seinfeldish" because on the television show Seinfeld, Jerry (and cast) would find some inane little thing about someone and that would be the reason the relationship would work. ie: close talker, man hands, etc. I think "chip eating" would definitely fall into this category.

That was fun, but now I'm bored.

I need something new to talk about because although funny, it gets old quick. In my two years of blogging, I've had my share of whackadoos and people who don't like me. I usually just ignore it, but every now and again, I love to point out how ridiculous someone is. And as chicklet pointed out, it's also ridiculous of me to indulge in it too, but it was just too funny for me to ignore sometimes. Usually, people pick a few things that I do that they don't like and concentrate on that. But this time, it was all stuff that was totally made up and taken out of context so it was super east to make fun of and laugh at.

I wonder how other people think about this ... I actually LIKE that everyone doesn't like me. In fact, I actually enjoy the knowledge some people despise me. It tells me that I'm not someone who just goes with the flow of everyone else. I'm not boring. I'm not afraid to give my opinion, even if I know it could be unpopular with some people. I stir real emotion in some people. Of course I don't want to simply be mean to someone (except in response to someone who posted a giant blog post dedicated to calling me a bitch and to spread lies. That's defamation.) and when giving my opinion, I will ~always~ leave room for the other side, as I respect people have differing opinions. But I personally take it as a compliment when someone would go through so much work to show their distaste in me. Does anyone feel the same way as I do - in that being liked by ~everyone~ isn't actually a good thing?

I figure if ~everyone~ liked me, I wouldn't at all be exciting. I know some of those people in the world, where they are always accommodating and always nice to everyone. These people never have strong opinions on any topic and if they did, they keep it to themselves.

I don't want to be like that. I would rather be really liked or really hated. No in-between with me. Ask anyone who has known me for awhile and ask what they think of me. No one shrugs their shoulders and says "eeeeh, I don't know".

So whackadoos, thank you. Thank you for letting me know I'm getting what I'm trying for. Thank you for actually boosting my self esteem and ego. Thank you for reminding me I'm not becoming boring and I'm not simply mediocre.

I'm putting up a poll at the very bottom (on the right) for you all to chime in. Please take a moment to answer?

~giggle~

updated: sorry if your feeds/readers got this as a "new" post. I had to update something mid-way through, marked with an asterisk.
---


Isn't it funny how 100 people can read the same thing and ~1~ person takes it completely and totally out of context? heh.

~ when I was explaining the "boards" - I was explaining them from MY perspective and how I felt. When I said "officially bitter", I meant ME. Apparently anon is VERY upset I called her bitter, but I was really simply calling ME bitter and the feeling in general.

~ I was called an "IF basher". That's fucking awesome because it's like the absolute furthest thing from what I am. Why not call me a man while your at it because that's the opposite of what I am too.

~ I was told "chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages should count"! Um, yes? I think they should too, when did I say they shouldn't be? I was posting about how too many doctors diagnose based solely on a heavy period without even looking at situation . When did I ever say these horrific evens shouldn't "count"? Let's just start making some stuff up, why don't we?

~ Anon is "never coming here again!". Awww, I'm so fucking bummed out. Someone who just makes shit up, reads things out of context and who resorts to name calling isn't going to be reading me anymore. Damn, I'm ~so~ sad. Can you all please send me good vibes for the overwhelming loss I'll be feeling today? I'd really appreciate it. (~wink~)

Ahhhh, it's a good day. When I'm able to really make people think and disagree with me, it means I'm doing my "job" here. Anonymous freak outs aren't really what I'm going for, as I'd rather have someone leave their name and approach their disagreements like an adult so we can actually have a discussion. But it IS the public internet out here, I can't make people take an IQ test before displaying my blog to them. Or can I? That'd be awesome. But then again, how boring to only get grown up opinions and disagreements passed to me. I kind of like the mudslinging, I was really good at dodge ball when I was little (except I don't like throwing it back).

In case anyone is interested in Anon, here's her *bashing blog post about me. Isn't it AWESOME? Her comments are cool too - she thinks I should be totally okay with her telling un-truths about what I have said and her calling me names (i'm sorry, but name calling, to me, it the funniest thing ever. ~So~ elementary school.) and I need to stay off her comments! But she can totally leave ME comments, calling me "BITCH!" and the like. I think we need to send her a dictionary with the words "hypocrite" and "ironic" circled. It may help.

* She removed her post and replaced it with "your a bitch and you can blow me." Should someone maybe tell her that it should be "You're a bitch"? I mean, if she's going to reduce herself to simply calling names and not stand up for any of the idiocracy she first typed, at least it should be grammatically correct, right?

~ She's upset I didn't reply to her, but I really try not to post on the ttc board. And she posted way after all the supposed "drama" was over and posted about a terrible late term loss in the same post as when she replied to me. I thought it really innappropriate for me to leave a comment in that string. But then again, she totally obviously hates me, so why would she care if I responded to a fake apology?

~ The "drama" wasn't actually drama. There was a message posted about a "graduate" who hurt some girl's feelings and I went to say I hoped it wasn't me because it would have been unintentional. I hoped it wasn't from my blog and it wasn't. And then she posts about "drama!" when it's all her doing? I'm simply responding to someone bashing me.

~ She said her board is not bitter. Back to what I said above. I was bitter when I hit 12 months as most girls would say they were too at that mark. And then she goes on to explain why they should be bitter. Which doesn't really make sense since she is simply discounting her own argument. I guess she's going with the "We're not bitter, but even if we were, we're allowed!" stand. There is nothing wrong with being bitter you know, I certainly am! Or was. I admit it with pride.

~ I'm not "infertile" apparently. YAY!!! My first baby was conceived in only 18 months without treatment. Apparently this doesn't "count" to her even though I had diagnosed endo, surgery and medicated cycles. (although as a pointed out in comments, she's been trying 18 months without going to an RE, so how does she count and I don't?) And my 2nd baby was conceived in one try. Haven't I always explained how fucking lucky I was and how I thought I wasn't "infertile" at this time? I did not expereience "infertility" with my second, never ever said I did.

~ She "might" consider me "infertile" with my 3rd because I went through "some" procedures. Yeah, just some. I was diagnosed with Asherman's syndrome which means I am full of scar tissue. I was diagnosed with mild endo, which was removed via laproscopic surgery twice (once being with my first). I was diagnosed with LUF syndrome, which meant I grew follicles, but didn't release eggs - so for me to ovulate, I ~had~ to be forced with an hcg trigger shot. And I have ridiculous sub-par lining. Totally "fertile", eh? My RE told me any of these reasons could have been why it took so long to conceive #1. For #3, my procedures (you know, "some" of them) were: 4 surgeries for a uterus which was sealed shut with scar tissue. 3 IUIs. 3 medicated non-IUI cycles. 1 mock IUI cycle. 1 IVF. 1 FET. Then she goes on to say, and I quote, "i dont think that tags you as infertile, i believe it had more to do with your age." heh.

~ Some how she thinks I'm discounting chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages. Totally not. Already talked about that above. I discounted doctors who diagnose m/c too quickly. She gave her example of her m/c and it's just a terrible thing to go through and somehow I don't think that "counts". This one made me sound so horrible! I can't believe she got this one so backwards.

~ I should point the "bitter" finger at myself. Um, I always have. :) I'm totally bitter and have always admitted that!

~ I should NOT complain about pregnancy. I should thank god everyday I'm pregnant (I do). And I'm a "sarcastic negative bitch". Duh. Well, I'd remove the "negative" part.

Okay, okay, I'm done. :)

I guess there is nothing left but to do what she asked me to do and "blow" her. Except I'm not too sure ~how~ that can be done, seeing she doesn't have a penis. Actually, maybe she does. ~shrug~ I really don't know anything about "her" (leaving room open if "she" is a "he" due to the 'suck my dick' reference she gave).

How many babies should you make at once?

There have been quite a few ETs this week and lots of personal rationalizations for the question "how many to transfer?" floating around. And it brought up my own thoughts about it and how crazy my own transfer was.

As any reader of mine knows, I'm ~very~ against transferring more embryos / IUI with more follicles than you are willing to carry. I am personally against using selective reduction to "reduce" babies that were deemed as "extra" when there was a chance all along at too many babies. On the opposite side, I'm not against selective reduction at all when it was more of an accidental situation like natural triplets/quads/etc. I also completely understand it's necessary to go through selective reduction when there are too many babies to safely carry (for mother or babies) but I will shake my head in disgust if the woman got herself there in the first place. I think these situations could be completely avoided if selfishness is simply put aside and if there are too many follicles to safely go forward with a cycle, take a break so you aren't forced to kill "reduce" any of the babies you may make. Personally, I would rather take more time to get pregnant and even chance getting pregnant at all, than to have to get rid of reduce "extras".

Around the blogosphere lately, I have been seeing the opposite trend with IVF - women going for single embryo transfers or maxing out at two. Unfortunately, I've also seen IUIs and timed intercourse going forward with 5, 6, 7 mature follicles which simply astounds me. My RE would cancel if more than 3 (2 in some cases) follicles were present. But I am betting many REs are cancelling and the woman just plows ahead on her own. Ugh.

Anywho, back to my point. I see these women transferring just one or two and having to really convince themselves and their readers of their choices. How crazy! They are doing such a good thing for themselves and for the health of their maybe-babies! Has the world really gone so multiple crazy that women and their family/friends are actually disappointed if they don't get multiples? Hey, twins are great and if you are willing to carry and take care of twin newborns, all the power to you. But if you aren't excited over the aspect of twins, it's ~okay~ to try for a singleton.

Now, here is where I will admit my complete and total hypocrisy. I went into ET with the "no more than two" frame of mind. And I later walked out with ~four~ embryos. Yes, FOUR. That is more than I could have carried. That is more than I could have taken care of. Yet, I approved the transfer.

Remember when I said no one should have to rationalize their personal decision? My hypocrisy pretty much forces me to it.

I had 2 Grade As (8 & 7 celled) and 2 Grade Bs (6 and 5 celled).

My RE pretty much poo-pooed my idea of putting back two. My lining was ~not~ good, remember? It was only 7mm and they wanted to just cancel me, but I pushed ahead. Plus my age (36) decreased my chances. So now it was between 3 and 4 embryos.

With three embryos, he gave me a 35% chance at a pregnancy. With all four, a 40% chance for a pregnancy. Of that 40%, we had a 79% chance at a singleton, 15% of twins, under 5% for triplets and less than 1% chance for quads. So doing the math, with transferring all four, I had a 40% of a singleton, 6% chance of twins, 2% chance for triplets and .4% chance at quads.

I'm a science believer. I'm a numbers believer. I'm not into fate or some bigger plan. I believe in MATH. So I took in those stats and that's how I made my decision. I didn't see a big difference between the 3 and 4 embryos in the multiples option and didn't want to let that little 5 celled one to die alone in a petri dish, so we included him too. (Funny that we all think he's the one who's sitting very uncomfortably in my giant belly right now, eh?)

The statistics remained though. I had a 60% chance of a BFN. A 31.6% chance of a singleton. A 6% chance for twins. 2% chance for triplets. A 0.4% chance at quads. Could I carry twins? Certainly. Could I carry triplets or quads? I don't know, probably not. And I can pretty much tell you I couldn't care for that many financially.

What would I have done if I fell into that 2.4% chance? Good lord, I have no idea. I felt like I would have to cross that bridge if I got there. But I was the first to admit my hypocrisy to my very strong feelings about not using selective reduction as a tool for better odds at pregnancy. I can tell you I would never transfer 8 embryos or some high number like that, but still, four was such a risk and I don't know how I would have lived with myself if I created 4 lives. I can say I am happy I did it ~now~, only because I know I got one out of the deal. But I still will admit how wrong I could have been.

Message boards.

I first got into this whole infertility/pregnant/parenting community back when I was ttc#1 back in 2002. Since them, I've been fortunate enough to run through the whole gamut almost 3 complete times. Before I blogged, I was solely on the boards all the time. I still "know" many women from all of my go arounds, sometimes being surprised that we actually met on the boards and in not some other fashion.

I was just thinking about the differences between the boards and thought I could make it into a semi-interesting blog post.

TTC-JSO (Trying To Conceive, Just Starting Out). Ahhhh. The innocence of this board. Full of hope and well, they should be, as 60-80% of these girls will get pregnant before having to move on. The problem with this board though is if you know anything at all about your reproductive system, questions will annoy the shit out of you. And if you do have to graduate to the next step of ttc, all the BFPs will also annoy you. Not because you are pissed someone else is pregnant, but because you aren't. It's hard to watch EVERYONE get pregnant without you. Especially when the majority of the BFPs are from the same girls who just assumed they'd get pregnant.

TTC-6+months. And so you move on, a little wiser, a little more bitter. But you are still within those "normal" limits of under a year and still hopeful. The others on the board are now half and half from those who still don't get it and those who are starting to worry because there ~may~ be a problem. The BFNs are wearing on you, but you still have hope. And then the dreaded year mark comes and goes. Off to the next board.

TTC-12+months. Officially bitter. You seek treatment (or not) and you know you are falling into the "infertile" category now. Most everyone on this board follows "board etiquette" as they have been around for awhile now. Much more support is given because the girls have known each other for awhile now and after watching so many others get a BFP and not you, a camaraderie builds. Pretty heavy topics can be discussed and most people understand all about the reproductive system. "Stupid questions" aren't asked anymore and everyone is truly in support of one another. This is also the last place to go if you don't move to treatments. This is "home" to many a broken hearts. I was personally a "member" for 6 months the first time and 8 months the second time. Well, actually longer the second time because I skipped the whole JSO thing (and there was only a 6+ month board), so I was really in one place for 20 months.

TTC-ITSG (Infertility Treatment Support Group). This board has changed recently, so I can't really comment how it is ~now~, but when I moved here when on my first IUI in June 07, it was a close knit group of women. "Rules" were serious here as we were all bitter and very emotionally touchy. You didn't put "trigs" in the subject when necessary, it was pointed out immediately. You didn't see too many lurkers just popping in with their BFP news like you see on the other boards, it felt "safer". These women were women who were going through IUIs, IVFs and FETs. There weren't many girls simply on medicated cycles and really, not many having "just" IUIs. These were the big hitters going for the big treatments. Many failed. Many succeeded. Once you were "in" the group by showing you weren't only asking for help/support for yourself, but you helped and supported everyone else, these women would take care of you whenever you needed them. It was probably the closest group of women I've ever had the pleasure (although unfortunate circumstances) to meet.

And then, if you were lucky enough to graduate, there were the pregnancy boards.

1st Trimester. Oh good lord. I couldn't stand this board when I belonged. It seemed like it was a never ending slew of newbies asking the same questions over and over. And the non-pregnant girls who wanted advice from the 1st tri requesting advice on ttc (which is funny, as most of these girls just got pregnant. You want to ask a question? Ask a TTCer who's been at it forever.). And there is a lot of horror stories here too, as many pregnancies do end in miscarriage, so this is where you see them all. If you have any anxiety at ALL in your pregnancy, this board will freak you out.

2nd Trimester. You are getting in the groove of things, but still, nothing much is happening to discuss. So lots of people talking about gender and the big u/s and the beginning of feeling movement. I've always thought 2nd tri is the most "boring".

3rd Trimester. Birth stories, the question "what should i pack" is asked 1,000 times, labor, movement, complaining, registries, baby showers, women asking for inductions because they are "tired". Ugh. It's fun the first time, but I find myself not being able to really get into it.

PAIF (Pregnancy After Infertility). The home of anyone who understands infertility, not really who went through infertility. There are women who simply got pregnant naturally but had gone through IF in the past. Or women who simply took a cycle of clomid. The majority are, in fact, women who are pregnant after infertility they just had, but it's definitely not a steadfast rule. Everyone is accepted though and no one is deemed "more infertile" than the next. These women stay in one place the whole pregnancy and we cheer each other on. This is where I would call my board "home" now.

PA35 (Pregnancy After 35). A good board for us old ladies ~wink~, but I find that it's hard to be part of the group because of my infertility. Not everyone here understands the trials and tribulations of infertility which is a major influence throughout this pregnancy for me. And there is simply a different "vibe" here. I want to say it's more mature, but I don't want to make the other boards sound immature, although there ~are~ instances of immaturity in the other boards. There is also a different viewpoint of invasive tests here, which are more on our minds because of our age. But I've found that testing is almost frowned upon here and I'm not sure why. Whether it's because of our age and it very well maybe our last "chance" at a pregnancy so why would we risk it? Or that we went into this knowing the risks so we are more okay with the result set. I'm not sure. But I'm not as frightened of the stats of testing because of going through IVF/FET. With everything I went through and the odds I beat to begin with, the risks of CVS/amnio just doesn't phase me as it does others. Again, there is that difference between going through IF and not.


Anyone agree with me? Disagree? This ended up not being such a fun and exciting post.

Ouch.

It seems that I've already written this before, so if I have, please excuse the repeat. But I'm in pain. And when I'm in pain, I like to complain.

My back hurts. I went to doctor today and he wouldn't touch it because it was way to much in spasm still, 3 days later. Awesome.

My shoulder is hurting now because it's compensating for my sore back. Yay.

And in baby news, ultrasound #17 showed this baby is going to be trouble. He's no longer head down but transverse. His head is over my left hip, his butt over my right. His knees are bent in the middle of my belly where as he stretches and kicks, I get it in the top of my belly. So he's definitely uncomfortable.

Hrm. What else?

I have to cook dinner for the family right now and I'm just so not in the mood. Actually, I should have already started because I like to eat between 6-6:30p, but here I sit.

Now dinner is done and we've all eaten. What a ghetto dinner I made. I didn't take anything out of the freezer this morning so we had to make due. We had salad, bagel bites, french fries and pears. Screw it though, we all are full and that's all that really matters.

My husband is watching snowboarding on fuel tv and it's bumming me out I can snowboard this winter! Grrrr. I'll go in first trimester but once the baby is out of the protectiveness that is my pelvis, I just can't chance it. I've been snowboarding for 19 years, but I missed a few seasons. One whole season was destroyed when I broke my leg in half on the first day of the season (took a gap jump and didn't quite make it to the other side, slammed into top of jump, snowboard stopped, my body kept going. Something had to give and it was my tib/fib.) Another whole season was out when I was pregnant with Ella. Last season was out due to my broken foot from roller derby. And now this season, but I'll most definitely get out after Karl is born. I want to go now though! Yeah, yeah - boohoo, poor me.

Thanks everyone ...

... for telling me your experiences which are all so very personal and painful. As I read through each of your comments, I felt myself nodding in agreement at everyone's points. I definitely see the differences in early/chemical pregnancies and a m/c which is after fetal tissue has already formed. And there is also a difference between a stillbirth.

It was interesting to see the difference in the post "AFs" after each type each of you described. How a chemical pregnancy is really just like a normal period, maybe a few days late but nothing out of the ordinary and how a m/c after fetal tissue has much more physical symptoms. How a chemical pregnancy is sometimes only barely "caught" due to an early hpt where you get a light bfp for a day or two but how in a m/c is completely different. From what you've all told me, a heavy period with cramping/clotting and even labor-like pain is how a m/c feels - where you would definitely have a +hpt and betas to back it up and even u/s showing sac, yolk, fetal tissue, even a heartbeat at one time. Which just goes to show how wrong a doctor could be who says a "heavy period" without ever seeing a +hpt would be a miscarriage. Without the "evidence" of an +hpt, a severely heavy period couldn't be diagnosed as really anything.

The conclusions I'm drawing here is you would definitely know if you were having a miscarriage, not a chemical pregnancy, due to pain/+hpts/betas/ultrasounds/heavy bleeding. If you "simply" have heavy bleeding or painful cramps, it couldn't be diagnosed as a m/c because there was no +hpt and it couldn't really be labeled a chemical pregnancy because with those, the post-AF is usually "normal". I say "normal" because with a chemical pregnancy, implantation just tried to happen but it didn't really stick around to grow anything, therefore, there would really be nothing more than "normal" to pass.

I'm not trying to make chemical pregnancies be so simplistic. But by definition, a chemical pregnancy barely implants before being shed, so there wouldn't be much, if any, "pregnancy tissue" to pass, therefore for most women, it would be a normal period. Assuming a chemical pregnancy due to heavy bleeding would be inaccurate for a doctor to say because by it's own nature, there should be heavy bleeding because there wasn't time for tissue to grow. I'm definitely not assuming there is never heavy bleeding with a chemical pregnancy, but if there is, it's probably due to how a particular woman's cycle just is, ~not~ because of tissue that grew from a day or two of the pregnancy.

All this is going back to the fact how so many doctors deal with heavy bleeding the wrong way. Nothing here can be "assumed" as I see happening to many women. Heavy bleeding would point to something else before an early miscarriage because there shouldn't be that kind of bleeding in a chemical pregnancy because there was never time for tissue to grow. Especially when all hpts came out negative, I would think other things would have to be looked at.

I just googled "reasons for heavy periods" and found 1 in 5 women experience heavy periods where the symptoms are:
~ Menstrual flow that interferes with your regular activities or lifestyle and causes anxiety about embarrassing accidents
~ Periods that last longer than seven days
~ Menstrual flow that soaks through one or more tampons or napkins every hour for several consecutive hours
~ Menstrual flow that includes large blood clots
~ Fatigue or shortness of breath (which are symptoms of anemia caused by blood loss)
~ Painful cramping

Wow - 20% of women experience those symptoms and if you are ttc, doctors actually tell some of these women "it's probably a miscarriage" when it's a very common ailment for women to have. What a terrible thing to tell someone! The issue should be treated separately from a ttc standpoint instead of using the ttc as a reason. Obviously there isn't 10% of women out there having monthly "early miscarriage"s, they have a very common issue of heavy periods. Which, I might add, could be a reason for infertility because there is a such thing as "too thick of a lining" for successful implantation. Heavy periods could definitely be a symptom of having lining that is too thick and doctors should look at that.

Anywho, I kind of got off on a tangent. I just wish some girls I read about could get the necessary attention from their doctors. Telling a woman she "probably had a miscarriage" when there could very well be a problem due to her heavy periods is definitely an injustice to her.

("S", just in case you are reading, this is totally ~not~ about you. I didn't want you to think just because you have heavy periods I am talking about your story. The people I am actually talking about are girls I don't actually know, just reading about on random message boards and blogs. If I knew them, I'd approach them directly instead of discussing through my blog. And to anyone - if we comment back/forth on board or through blogs, it's also not about you!)

Question about Miscarriage.

I am ~not~ experienced in this topic, so let me start off by asking for a bit of leniency if I say anything wrong. I'm just curious on some aspects of miscarriage (particularly early m/c) and I am going to just ask them.

I think I had a chemical pregnancy one time. If you look at my chart page here and look at "C11, IUI #2" which started on August 19, 2007, you'll see the cycle I'm talking about. It was my first "triphasic" chart, I got a light bfp on 11dpo and then started spotting the next day with a BFN, only to get my period the next day after that. Was it an early miscarriage or simply a false positive? The test showed an ultra light "+" within the 3 minute window, but it was one of those blue ink +/- tests that have been known for false positives in the past. Did my chart's temps hold even more evidence implantation tried to happen? I don't know. If it was a pregnancy, it was before my uterus was fixed so the immense scar tissue would have been a huge detriment anywho, so I probably would have miscarried anyway.

My point here is with chemical pregnancies, how often do we really ~know~ it was a m/c or not?

I've seen a handful of girls out there who talk about there recurrent miscarriages. But the thing I am questioning is how they really know. Does a "heavy" period mean a miscarriage? I've seen some girls say they are having yet another miscarriage simply because their period is heavy. And they say their doctors are the ones who are telling them this "It's probably an early miscarriage" without taking an hpt or even confirming anything via blood beta tests. And I've seen some girls go through ~a lot~ of these - 4, 5, 6 - and that's all that their doctors say? Isn't the "rule" for recurrent miscarriages that things should be tested out after 2 or 3 of these tragedies? If a doctor just keeps saying "it's probably an early miscarriage", shouldn't these women switch doctors?

Now, I want to be straight about this and explain I am ~not~ questioning their diagnoses. I personally know two women I consider friends to have had chemical pregnancies where they just knew from their gut feeling. I don't think evidence ~needs~ to be there to have one happen. I'm more questioning a doctor's or nurse's opinion that they are suffering miscarriages without even examining them. It just doesn't seem like good medicine to me. A m/c is something so personal and so devastating, I just don't think it should be thrown around without doing some tests. And if a woman was really having m/c after m/c, shouldn't something be done?

I don't really know what kind of testing can be done with super early m/c. Or is testing only available for m/c that happen after something really starts to grow, not just when implantation doesn't "take" like it should.

Does anyone have any input? I know I'm not asking specific questions, but then again, I don't really know what to ask. It's just something I've noticed lately and I'm just not comfortable with doctors just waiving someone's heavy period off as a miscarriage when they really have no idea. I just don't think "miscarriage" should be an overall diagnosis.

Welcome to the World.

My ttc buddy, Katie, gave birth to a beautiful little boy this morning. She hasn't blogged yet and I'll leave all the details for her to give, but in short ...

Cullen arrrived at 11:26am and weighed in at 7lbs, 10 ozs.

Welcome to the world baby boy! And Congratulations Katie and Thomas!!!

Uh-oh. I'm schnarky.

My tummy hurts, I'm tired and schnarky. I'm even a little jealous. And I'm going to post about it. This could turn ugly.

With all of this pregnancy after infertility talk and other conversations that went along with it, I started thinking about things that annoyed me when I was ttc and things that still annoy me. Here's a list of my annoyances right now, which ended up morphing into even more.

~ The first group consists of those who had a ~small~ taste of "infertility" and claim it. Look, trying to conceive for a whole 8 months sucks, I know BFNs are never ever fun. But after getting pregnant, please stop saying "after my devastating infertility, I finally conceived". Oh shut up. You don't know what the fuck "infertility" is. Oh, and taking clomid for a cycle or two does ~not~ count as undergoing "treatment", especially when it was in those first few months. The only reason you even took clomid is because you didn't wait the 12 months before getting treatment. I'm not saying you shouldn't of been proactive, but a BFP on clomid on C7? Nope. You're a fertile, okay? You just happened to take clomid. Which, might I add, isn't a huge fertility drug as it just helps your body do what you should naturally do - have one follicle. If you grew more than one follicle on it you probably didn't even need the damned drug to begin with. (fyi, the "you" I am using in all my rants right now are totally made up people. I am not quoting anyone's real cycles. If anyone out there happens to fit into the scenario, it's purely coincidence.)

~ The next group are those who are intertwined in the infertility community, but still EXPECT their own fertility. These are women who may just be lurking because they are waiting to try to conceive and during their time waiting, they are "in" the infertility world. Or maybe they are waiting for other reasons, but still, they see the issues of a primary Ifer. They see secondary infertility. They see tertiary infertility. They see it all. And then when it's their turn to try to conceive, they fucking EXPECT to get pregnant! Not even a mention to "I've gotten pregnant 'easily' in the past and I can only hope it continues". Hello? Ever heard of being humble? And then the kicker is they get fucking pregnant in the first cycle. Do they even whisper "wow, I'm so blessed I dodged that bullet?" No. They just say "I knew it! I rule!" (okay, maybe they don't say that.) I can understand when the non-ifer has these feelings, especially when they simply have never really known anyone dealing with infertility. But these are women who are surrounded by friends undergoing IVF after IVF. Shouldn't they at least acknowledge their fertility shouldn't be taken for granted?

~ The next are those paralyzed with pregnancy fear. Now, this one has many many many exceptions in my mind. Recurrent pregnancy loss, hell, even one past miscarriage is acceptable to instill fear. Any mommy who's lost a baby to stillbirth. These are reasons I can totally and completely understand the aspect of not being able to relax during pregnancy and I would ~never~ think to roll my eyes at them. But those women who are just freaked out over the tiniest of things, like everyday, oh boy they get on my nerves. Especially when they are still freaking out after their doctor reassures them. Let me come up with an example I'm making up. Let's say a girl hits her elbow and is afraid the baby got hurt from it. So she calls the doctor. And then she goes to the doctor. And then she continues to check the baby via a doppler she has at home. And yet she still is freaking out about it on her blog or message board. Chick! Chill the fuck out. If you look at the last 10 of her posts and more than 50% are "worried" posts? Yeah, I just can't keep up with the constant requests for calming responses.

~ Message board girls who only post their own updates/questions but never respond to anyone else. That so fucking bothers me.

~ Pregnant girls who beg and plead for their babies to "come out" at the end when they aren't yet there. Now, I'm not talking about girls like my wonderful friend Denise who is majorly uncomfortable with twins because she's on bedrest, huge and not a large girl - so her belly is just, well - huge. Because I know she wants whatever is best for her apple and banana and she would never want them to come earlier just for her own comfort. It's not the complaining I'm talking about, but the women who actually WANT their babies born before 40 weeks. I've seen girls taking the labor inducing herbs as early as 35 weeks! Makes me want to punch them in the face. Sure, most babies would be fine to come at 35 weeks, but what if your baby wasn't quite ready, you made him come out early and he died? How much would you just pat yourself on the back then? Pregnancy is hard at the end, yes, I know. And I will whine and complain at the end too. BUT, I will never try to get my baby to do anything that's not in his best interest. If he needs to come out early because of the placental issues, then he'll have to come early. But I'm prepared to leave him in to cook up through 42 weeks if that's what he needs (and then his lease will expire).

~ Preggos who get truly upset when people comment on their weight with such things like "Whoa! You are huge!". Yeah, people are known for not having much common sense when talking to a pregnant chick, but come on, you have a huge fucking growth sticking out from your abdomen - do you think we all look svelte? Get over it and understand they are just trying to be funny or are just stupid. You are not the first person to have an inappropriate comment said about you. (The general complaint about dumb people are fine, but there's only so much I can take. You needn't tell me everyday that someone else called you big.)

~ This isn't a bitch about anyone but myself. I actually feel jealousy when I see a newborn. My ttc buddy, Katie, is giving birth tomorrow and I'm SO jealous. I mean, seriously? I'm going to have a baby in 9 weeks and I'm actually really jealous. For real.

~ Girls who won't even consider breastfeeding. Ack. Yes, this is a controversial one but I'm being honest. I am ~so~ pro-breastfeeding (but not anti-formula) and breastmilk is just SO good for babies. Don't all babies deserve a chance to get it? Hey, if you don't like it after giving it a good try, then go to formula. Or if you have a medical condition like a breast reduction and simply can't breastfeed, I totally understand. But try. A real try. I would say it takes a good 2 weeks to really get through the hard part, so try for 2 weeks. And why would anyone want to exclusively pump? At least it's getting breastmilk to the baby, but ick! Pumping only? I've seen actually a few girls choose this and I don't get it. Pumping isn't fun at all! But hey, if it's the only way you'll get the breastmilk to baby, then by all means, exclusively pump. I'm just wondering the why of it. Is it because they think breastfeeding is "icky"? Cause I think hooking my breasts up to the pump was was more gross than having a baby suckle. But to each their own, right?

~ Girls who have full fledged baby showers for each baby. Complete with registry and everything. For #1, I had a baby shower. For #2, I had a diaper shower. For this one, I'm taking a group of my girlfriends out to a lunch to celebrate the baby - I'm paying and requesting NO gifts. I know the etiquette is different depending on where you are, how far apart your kids are, etc, so this is totally just my opinion in my situation.

~ Weirdly over protective mommies. I just visited a friend with a new baby and it was like Fort Knox to even get in. I got questioned about sickness and anyone I may have had contact with. I was asked to wash my hands, which I agree with, but the way she demanded it seemed weird. And when I told her I would watch the baby if her and her husband wanted to run out and get some dinner, she looked at me like I was crazy telling me there was NO way she would leave the baby in the first 6-12 months. Huh? Girl, you are going to be on nanny 911 in a few years. Oh, and she wouldn't go out to dinner with me because she wouldn't take the baby out for the first 8 weeks or something like that. I ~loved~ taking my baby out only days old because of all the ooo-ing and aww-ing I got from the public. But that's just me and my need for attention. ~wink~

Alright, that's enough bitching for now. I'm sure I've got more in me, but I don't want to sound like a complete raving lunatic.

How true is this?

I took a little quiz that Amy has on her blog. It's a simple quiz, 2 questions w/ 3 possible answers each, and it tells you what Female Icon you are.

For me, I'm a Bette.

The link will bring you to my results page, but here are a few highlights ...

How to Get Along with Me
* Stand up for yourself... and me. (so true!)
* Be confident, strong, and direct. (yes, timidness and weakness puts me off)
* I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack. (DUH!!)
* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am. (heh.)

What's Hard About Being a Bette
* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to. (And you wonder why I am always so careful in explaining myself at times!)
* being restless and impatient with others' incompetence (~giggle~)
* never forgetting injuries or injustices (it's true, I'm a grudge holder)


Amy was right, it was a really accurate test based on only two little answers. What about you? Take the test for yourself and let me know!

Did I say I wasn't smart?

Why yes, yes I did.

I still want my last post to stand, as I really want the second half of my post to continue to be read by anyone checking in on my blog from the weekend. (I love my outrageous analogies.) But I do have a few updates to tell the world.

The first is about how I continued to be not smart this weekend. Oh. My. God. So dumb. So I was getting a fucking fantabulous massage. Simply wonderful. I've never gotten a massage on the weekend, always at the end of the workday, and it proved to be a good choice. Not a choice I can continue to make, as my massage therapist usually only works the weekdays, but I had to cancel Friday's massage and he was cool and came in just for me today. Due to not having anyone before or after me, he lingered a bit on some areas I was enjoying and we chatted very casually.

When it was over, he left the room for me to get dressed and I definitely took my time. Instead of rushing to get dressed, I spent some time gathering myself. I stood up and stretched a bit. I brushed out my hair. I put on a bit of makeup. All before even getting dressed. Then I put on my bra, shirt, panties. As I pulled my maternity pants on and lifted the big "secret belly" panel over my largeness, I felt it. Omg. My back. My back!!

"Kyle!" I screamed and he came immediately in the room. My back hurt. No joking here at all. He started feeling around and I told him my right side felt ~so~ different from my left side. He said "Do you want to know why?" I nodded with actual tears running down my face. He says "because the left side is normal and the right side is all fucked up." It seems I threw out my back putting on my pants. The muscle from the middle of my back running up to my shoulder was solid as cement, so hard he couldn't even feel my spine through it. He laid be back down and worked on it for a good 30 minutes before it was loose enough for me to be able to breathe and drive home.

So yeah, I'm smart. Smart enough to completely ruin a 90 minute massage by putting on my pants. Hey, at least I did it in a place where someone was there to help me.

---

I also updated "those" pictures. Both links. But beware, I'm getting too lazy to put on pants in the pictures behind the stick figure, so just know that if you click, you are will see me in my underwear. Which, of course, is showing nothing more than what you'd see if you ran into me at the beach, as my bikinis are smaller, but I still wanted to "warn" you.

I'm Not Smart.

I complain that I'm ~so~ tired and get no rest on the weekends. Yet when I can sleep and get rested, I choose not to. See? Dumb.

Busy day yesterday and after everything was settled, I decide to go over to my wifey-to-be's house (roller derby thing. some girls get a derby wife and I was 'claimed' for my return. it's silly, yes, but it just means i have a derby bff.) at 1030pm. And I stayed until 1am. And then me and hubby stayed up in bed and hung out (watched the end of 2 stupid movies, giggled, cuddled, got some and watched something else that was too dumb to stay awake) for 2 hours before we went to sleep. And the kids were up at 6:55am. Awesome.

So now I must get ready for my massage. Lunch. Kids to nap. Birthday party. And I think I'm going to keel over in exhaustion. Today's massage is definitely going to be one I'll have to fight to stay awake. I hate falling asleep during a massage - what a waste!

---

I also wanted to comment on a comment from my last post about the whole "pregnancy after IF" thing. I'm sure no one actually thought I was coming anywhere close to saying I think IFers should "shut up and deal with their pregnant counterparts". I'm sure it's obvious I was explaining how being pregnant after IF is hard because most all IFers will always remember where we came from, but we still need to be happy about our babies if/when we do conceive. And that as an non-preg IFer, self preservation is perfectly acceptable and it's what I did many, many, many times. But to also understand most pregnant IFers are not "rubbing it in" when we complain about the many pains of pregnancy or when we inadvertently rub our bellies. I would hope ~all~ pregnant IFers would keep this in mind when around a ttc-er and try to keep things like this to a minimum, but if we are "caught" complaining, it's never meant in malice.

Take this insane analogy ... Say I got my arm cut off in a logging accident and I was able to have it reattached. Saying I'm happy as fuck I didn't lose my arm would be obvious. But not expecting me to complain if I cut my hand super bad would be silly too. A bad hand slice would still hurt, regardless of how happy I was to even have a hand to get cut in the first place. Pregnancy is kinda/sorta the same kind of thing. We're outrageously happy to be pregnant, yet the normal pains of pregnancy still hurt. Having "beat" infertility doesn't make my pubic bone's pain any better - it fucking hurts no matter what I went through. AND ... by all means, I don't think a ttc-er should just "shut up and listen" to us complain though. That's where the self-preservation thing ~must~ still come in when you need it. Click away. Take time off or stop reading someone all together, I totally and completely understand. But don't think just because I complain means I have "forgotten" where I'm from.

Randomness

It's another one of my random posts which I want to blog, but I don't really have a whole subject in mind. Yeah, they kinda suck, but what can I do?

~ I really love tildas. Duh.

~ I spent the day in Denver today. Well, half the day as I didn't drive up until after my OB appointment. My friend, glenn, was in town for some cult meeting (he belongs to one of those self-help class things - you know, the kind where they keep going from class to class, costing thousands and thousands of dollars over the years, yet thinking the class people are putting these classes on for the good of man?) so he came out a day before to hang out with me. It's nice he puts up with me when I call something he totally is 100% behind a cult. ~wink~. But hey, it's like a religion - it gives him something to live by and believe in and it makes him happy, so what's the harm? We ended up going to the Denver Art Museum and I spent my time looking at the modern art exhibits - my personal favorite. Then we went down to meet some of his team members but the restaurant they picked was simply too busy for a group and we went across the street to one of those diner places where I ate a really good burger, fries and a chocolate shake. Mmmm.

~ I'm tired of driving. 1 1/2 hours to the airport, 1 1/2 hours back. 30 minutes to doctor appointment, 30 minutes back. 1 1/2 hours to his hotel, 30 minutes around town, 1 1/2 hours back. 7.5 hours of driving in a 24 hour period and a full tank of gas. Yuck. Plus, I found that I tend to tighten my abdomen when I drive long distances, which tends to make me have more than normal braxton hicks contractions.

~ I'm broke and wondering how we are going to pay for christmas this year. Kinda stresses me out.

~ My OB is the coolest doctor in the world. I had a little of a longer than normal appointment today, just because we were talking about the aspects of the risks we're facing. He just never ever rushes me. He sits down, puts the chart down and looks me in the eyes and ~listens~ to me. He never makes me feel stupid for questions I ask. And sometimes I do ask 'stupid' questions - questions which I ~know~ the answer to, but it calms me to hear him reassure me. I pay for this niceness of course, as he is always running behind because he spends so much time with each patient, but I don't care. I got there at 1045am and wasn't out until 12:15p, but it was 100% worth it. Do you all have doctors like this?

~ Speaking of getting reassurance and explanations ... We talked about the aspect of Karl losing 6 percentile points from 26 to 30 weeks. 1) 34%tile is still totally a good place for him to be. He's right on where he should be right now and as a snapshot in time, he's perfect. 2) Ultrasounds can be notoriously off when it comes to weight/size measurements in utero. He said he's gone in to get babies who are supposed to be 10+ pounds, only to pull out an 8 1/2 pound baby. 3) We won't ~worry~ unless we hit the 20th percentile. And then he won't want to go in and get him unless he gets close to 10%tile. 4) I told him this was the first time I actually have a "feeling" my baby is going to be taken early. Not that I'll go into labor early, but I'll be forced into an early induction - and I feel it'll be weeks early, not simply days. He basically told me I need to stop worrying about something I won't be in control of. What will happen will happen, regardless if I worry or not, so why not just try to enjoy. He didn't dismiss my fears yet he didn't make me feel like I was right to worry.

~ I asked how big my fundus was and I said "fundus" so funny that we both started laughing. (for the record, it's 27cms).

~ My blood pressure was 90/65. Isn't that freaking low? Nurse said it was fine, but I certainly have never seen it like that. I'm usually 120/72. I guess low is better than high, right? (what do you think J?) My weight was inaccurate. 169. But I was wearing boots (it was snowing today), heavy jeans, layers shirt plus wool sweater and I had just eaten and drank a liter of water. I'm going to re-weigh at my next ultrasound for an accurate weight. And come on, I was 161 ~yesterday~.

~ I am starting to swell a bit. I wore cool argyle socks yesterday and when I took off my socks, my skin showed the argyle pattern. Fuck, maybe I do weigh 169.

~ I worked from home yesterday morning and before I left, I texted my husband with "come home for a quickie". And his response? "10 minutes." Sweet! I wasn't really serious when I sent it, but you better believe I waited those 10 minutes. And it was awesome.

~ Hrm. Thinking about it, I want more. I think I'm going to end this list of randomness and go get me some right now. Nope, totally not kidding. (heh. I wrote this last bullet a short 30 minutes ago and I ~so~ just had sex. Awesome.)

IFers "vs" Pregnancy

No, no, no. This is not an "us vs them" post. But it IS a rambling of words about how some things are from someone (me) who had been on either sides of the fence. It's definitely not a "this is how an IFer should feel" post, but how I feel about such things, since I've been there. I'll break them up into specific topics.

~ Baby Showers ~

Ah, the dreaded baby shower invite. The envelope that can cause a sudden loss of cabin pressure the moment it's opened. I fully understand the pain this causes to someone ttc#1. I remember getting the invites when I was first ttc, when my cycle numbers were well into the teens.

At first I would get mad that someone could be so callous - ~knowing~ I'm dealing with infertility. Medicated cycles. Treatments. Surgeries. How DARE them send ME, of all people, and invitation to celebrate their pregnancy! I would suck it up and go, each time holding back the tears and hoping my looks of evil wasn't too obvious during the party. I wish I would have just bowed out. If they were a once IFer, they would understand. If not, they'd probably just think I was a bitch, but I would have to do what I had to do for me. It's called self preservation.

And then I got pregnant. I was getting my own guest list together to give to my friends and there were a few who were ttc and I didn't know what to do. And I have totally seen this in the blogosphere lately ... If I send them an invite, I'm rude. If I don't send them an invite, I'm rude for leaving them out. Yup, an absolute "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type situation.

I decided on going forward with the invitation. And best case scenario, I would talk to them personally before they received it. Telling them I'm inviting them because I love them, but also understanding I have no expectations of them to come. Of course they always attend after this conversation, so I don't know if talking to them does more harm than good. Now they know I know it's hard for them and they always try to be the bigger person. So it still sucks for them, but my heart was in the right place.


~Pregnancy Announcements~

I had been trying for just over a year and had my first surgery and medicated cycle fail when our very good friends (and next door neighbor) came over to tell us the good news of their "oops, we got pregnant from one try" pregnancy. I smiled, I hugged and then I closed the door and fell apart. I must have sobbed for the most part of the day. I even had to cancel the plans I had to help them out with a move that day because I just could. not. face. them.

After a day or so, I talked to both of them. I told them I am really happy for them, but it's just really hard for me to see. My tears were because I was sad for me, not angry at them. Their baby (actually babies, as they ended up with identical twins) was still a new life that deserved celebration, no matter how easily the parents fell pregnant. I simply cannot hold my IF hostility over a baby.

I told them I wanted to be a part of the pregnancy and would love to hear updates. But I also told them I may, in fact, cry. And if that happened, I may have to wait for another time to hear what's going on. And maybe on a good day, I will be full of questions. And a bad day, I may steer clear of the entire situation.

When I got finally got pregnant, I wanted to share the news with the world. It's a really hard thing to come to when coming from the infertility set. You almost feel guilty for even being pregnant, even if I went through hell to get there. But you come to the realization you just have to be sensitive to those around you. I'm sure I don't know everyone in my life suffering with some form of IF, so when we tell people our good news, we now how not to just throw it in someone's face. We know that our announcements need to be worded a bit differently, not just a sudden email full of u/s pictures.

The fertiles just wouldn't get this. Most have no idea how an email titled "guess what?" and the body a big "We're PREGNANT!" screaming out at you can really break the hearts of some. But what I keep in mind is they just don't know. And most importantly, I keep in mind that I should respond as I would want someone to respond the to news of my pregnancy. It's not fair to any preggo (yes, even the fertiles) to get pissed at their good fortune just because mine was in the crapper.


~General Pregnancy Stuff~

Being pregnant was something I wasn't clued in on when it happened. I had no idea how much it would consume my life. I had no idea that even after going through infertility, I would fall into the role of the women who I would totally roll my eyes at.

It's all consuming. My poor friend Laurel, I felt so bad. You would think after going through all I did for this pregnancy I would have a little more couth and be aware of my surroundings. I don't know how much of someone else's life I should talk about on my blog, but Laurel had a devastating cycle once and I ~know~ about it. Yet sometimes when I'm around her, I can't stop talking about baby stuff. Poor girl just smiled and took it until I finally caught myself, ~hours~ later. I'm sure she was chanting "shut up shut up shut up shut up" over and over in her head.

I'm a belly rubber too. And I HATED belly rubbers when I was ttc. I would complain "do they HAVE to rub their bellies!??! They do it just to piss me off, I know it!" yet it's something I continuously do. Like I said before, It's like a zit and I can't ~not~ touch the thing. Plus, later in pregnancy when you have appendages sticking out of you, well, it would be close to impossible to ignore it.

I also complain. This is a biggie I see in the blog world. "Why do they complain about pregnancy? Don't they know how lucky they are? I would do anything to have their aches/pains!". Yet, when you are here, it's somehow different. My pubic bone feels like someone hit it with a baseball bat. I can't sleep well. I'm awkward. I have baby appendages trying to poke through my skin. YES! I know I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world, but, it does have it's cons. I try to limit my complaining here, but just because the pregnancy was really worked for, doesn't make the pain feel any better.

----

I guess I'm just trying to show it from the other side. That a once-infertile can and will fall into the "just another pregnant chick" category without even knowing. So when you see a preggo act in a way that makes you want to punch them, ask yourself this ... "how will you want to be treated when it's your turn?" We're not all evil. I promise.

I wish I could act in a way that would make every IFer feel comfortable, but the fact remains that I am having a baby and it really does change things. I will always always always try to be sensitive, but sometimes, well, it slips. And I'm sorry. But I can bet you most every now pregnant infertile doesn't go a day without thinking of how lucky she is. We're just dealing with one of the biggest changes in our lives we have ever had the opportunity to experience.

Remember. Most of you will get pregnant too. And you'll want to experience the entire thing. No one wants to stay infertile. The happiness wants to get out, and it should. A preggo needn't live in fear, instead, it's the only opportunity to have the experience. Being happy is not a slight against their once infertility. That infertility will always be with us.

And Here's What I Think

You guys were ~fabulous~ in answering my few, aka 10, questions. These are all questions I have a very strong opinion and/or argue with my husband about. So let me give you my answers, which of course, are the absolutely CORRECT answers to each of them. (oh, how wrong some of you were! ~wink~)

1. How should the roll of toilet paper go on the roll? Overhang or underhang
~ Overhang. And yes, if it's the wrong way, it needs to be changed. Of course some of you have brought up exceptions, which I will always accept, but in the case of no pets, etc, overhang is the only option. If I come into your house and it's underhang, I will assume you are stupid. Or your husband changed the roll.

2. When changing your sheets, how should the top sheet be put on?
~ The design/front of the sheet needs to be facing the bottom sheet. This includes solid colored sheets, as there is always a front and back. This is so when you get into bed, you have both sides of the softest sides of sheets against your body. And it looks pretty too.

3. How do you store sweaters in your closet? Hangers or folded?
~ Sweaters need to be folded so you don't have shoulder nipples. Although I do hang my cardigans on special hangers, avoiding the nipple look.

4. Do you wipe forwards or backwards?
~ I don't argue this if you are a girl. Front to back should be the rule. But I want to challenge that it's not the ONLY way to do it. I was never taught this technique and I swear, I can't do it front to back. Now, I don't pull all the way forward during the wipe, I stop at the perineum, which of course, after 36 years of practice, I think I'm skilled enough to continue. I'm not a walking infection. It's a problem for me though, because I have no idea what to teach my daughters. I'm working on the front to back technique but I can't show them how cause I'm apparently front to back stupid.

5. What color socks do you wear with black tennis shoes?
~ I have black converse which have white on them, so I think I can get away with white socks. But if I see someone with solid black shoes and white socks, I'll point and laugh. Yes, I will.

6. If wearing a white shirt, what color bra should you use?
~ The bra should be the color of your skin. If you are a white girl, where a nude/tan bra. If you are a black girl, wear a black bra. Nothing sticks out more than a white bra underneath a white shirt!

7. Is it ever okay to wear pantyhose with open toed shoes?
~ No. Never ever. Never. Ever. And those toeless pantihose? Please, so dumb looking. Please do not ever do this. Ever.

8. Is it ever okay to wear socks with sandals?
~ Nope. But exceptions are okay, such as being a little kid or a nurse who wears crocs for comfort during the winter. Too cold to wear your sandals without socks? Guess what? It's not sandal weather. Put some shoes on.

9. Is it okay to shout out to your husband/boyfriend "spank me daddy!" while having sex?
~ The "daddy" part is only okay if you have a daddy complex. And if you do, well, you've got a teeny bit of a problem.

10. Is asking 10 questions still considered "a few"?
~ Nope. But I'm a rebel.

------

On to some baby talk ...

Had u/s #16 today. Baby boy did great and got a perfect score on his test. And he's growing right on target. Well, maybe a little less, as last time (4 wks ago) he was in 40th percentile and today he was only 34th percentile. I'll be talking to my doc on Friday about that. Anywho, he's weighing in at 1425 grams, which is 3 lbs and 2.26 oz. So I'm happy with his gaining but I need him to really keep growing on target. As you may remember, the cord issue could show problems around 32/34 weeks if there are problems. Seeing a decrease in percentage scares the ever living crap out of me. The next u/s is next week, but there won't be another growth scan until 34 weeks. I can already tell how anxious I'll be.

Here's today's 3D picture:



Oh - and the tech and I snuck a peek into my file and I passed the 3 hour GD test. Yay! And, he's totally head down again. Another "yay!" for the day.

A Few Very Easy Questions for You.

1. How should the roll of toilet paper go on the roll? Overhang or underhang?

2. When changing your sheets, how should the top sheet be put on? With design down, "face to face" to the bottom sheet? Or design side up, "face to face" to the bedspread?

3. How do you store sweaters in your closet? Hangers or folded?

4. Do you wipe forwards or backwards?

5. What color socks do you wear with black tennis shoes?

6. If wearing a white shirt, what color bra should you use?

7. Is it ever okay to wear pantyhose with open toed shoes?

8. Is it ever okay to wear socks with sandals? (Birkenstock, crocs, etc.)

9. Is it okay to shout out to your husband/boyfriend "spank me daddy!" while having sex? (okay, that one was just to be funny. I hope no one would answer yes.)

10. Is asking 10 questions still considered "a few"?

Hospitals are ~Fun~!

As I may have mentioned, my kids have been sick, the little one being really bad on Thursday. So when I came down with a fever this weekend, I was being a little extra cautious. Here's how the events worked out ...

~ 10:45am - Called nurse to let her know of fever (101.3) which was staying in the 99's with tylenol. She told me to go to urgent care due to having no appointments available.

~ 11:15am - In waiting room at urgent care.

~ 12:30pm - Gone through all steps and have been seen by doctor. Lungs sound fine, but she's worrying about my belly, as when she pushes on the sides, very low under uterus, I wince in pain. She is now worried it's diverticulitis (yeah, had to look that one up) or even appendicitis. I told her is just felt like I was sore from coughing, as it hurts when I cough and only started with the heavy dry cough. But she says she's transferring me to the hospital. What?

~ 12:45pm - Paperwork given and I was asked to sign a "refusal for ambulance" (heh.) and had to sign another waiver that if I didn't go to hospital on my own, it was that whole leaving against Dr's advice thing and my insurance may not pay. (believe me, my insurance would have rather me go home!)

~ 1:15pm - All signed in at ER and in triage. "Did you get cleared by L&D?" "Nope, I just got here, no one told me to go there." I get transferred to a very very quiet L&D.

~ 1:30pm - All hooked up to the monitors. Baby's HR is great but low and behold - I'm contracting very slightly (BHC) every 3-7 minutes. They call my OB and I'm cleared if I'm given IV fluid in ER (which is where I'm still trying to get to). So down to ER I go. The ER is now PACKED with people. Crap. Crap. Crap.

~ 1:45pm - Back in triage after a teeny wait. Vitals taken, I keep apologizing for being there. They laugh and say that 75% of the people in the waiting room don't need an ER visit. It didn't make me feel any better. Good news is my time at Urgent Care and L&D "counts" as time spent, so I'm next for a bed!

~ 2:15pm - I'm in a bed and I've peed in a cup. Which just sits there. It's a busy day as I hear ambulance after ambulance come in (probably from all the urgent cares. <--- sarcasm.)

~ 3:00pm - The NP is working all of the non-bad (i can't think of the word) cases and she thinks urgent care is stupid. She agrees I need IV fluids, but I don't have that colon thingy nor appendicitis (duh). Nurse comes in, can't get IV (I have terrible veins plus being dehydrated didn't help) and I got an IV in my inner wrist. Good lord. I've had IVs in my feet before due to no veins, but the inner wrist? Ouch. And pushing 2000ccs of fluid through that? Yeah. I had to keep my wrist extended, as if I relaxed the IV would stop. And I found doing "the fonzie" made it drip faster.

~ 4:00pm - The NP comes back in and tells me my urine is clear of UTI but "heavy with ketones" (no idea what that means). But my white blood cells count is "really high" and she is worried that it's too high for a simple viral infection. Now they want xrays.

~ 5:00pm - Xray is done (I asked them to take an xray of my belly but they said no. I mean, how cool would that of been?!! Yeah, yeah, radiation, fetus, I know.) and chest is clear. First IV bag finally finishes. The second is hung.

~ 7:00pm - The second bag finishes! Yay! I'm free of IV!

~ 7:45pm - I'm finally discharged with a diagnosis of "you are sick." Funny.

So that was my day yesterday. I bet you wish you were me, eh? (more sarcasm.)