IFers "vs" Pregnancy

No, no, no. This is not an "us vs them" post. But it IS a rambling of words about how some things are from someone (me) who had been on either sides of the fence. It's definitely not a "this is how an IFer should feel" post, but how I feel about such things, since I've been there. I'll break them up into specific topics.

~ Baby Showers ~

Ah, the dreaded baby shower invite. The envelope that can cause a sudden loss of cabin pressure the moment it's opened. I fully understand the pain this causes to someone ttc#1. I remember getting the invites when I was first ttc, when my cycle numbers were well into the teens.

At first I would get mad that someone could be so callous - ~knowing~ I'm dealing with infertility. Medicated cycles. Treatments. Surgeries. How DARE them send ME, of all people, and invitation to celebrate their pregnancy! I would suck it up and go, each time holding back the tears and hoping my looks of evil wasn't too obvious during the party. I wish I would have just bowed out. If they were a once IFer, they would understand. If not, they'd probably just think I was a bitch, but I would have to do what I had to do for me. It's called self preservation.

And then I got pregnant. I was getting my own guest list together to give to my friends and there were a few who were ttc and I didn't know what to do. And I have totally seen this in the blogosphere lately ... If I send them an invite, I'm rude. If I don't send them an invite, I'm rude for leaving them out. Yup, an absolute "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type situation.

I decided on going forward with the invitation. And best case scenario, I would talk to them personally before they received it. Telling them I'm inviting them because I love them, but also understanding I have no expectations of them to come. Of course they always attend after this conversation, so I don't know if talking to them does more harm than good. Now they know I know it's hard for them and they always try to be the bigger person. So it still sucks for them, but my heart was in the right place.


~Pregnancy Announcements~

I had been trying for just over a year and had my first surgery and medicated cycle fail when our very good friends (and next door neighbor) came over to tell us the good news of their "oops, we got pregnant from one try" pregnancy. I smiled, I hugged and then I closed the door and fell apart. I must have sobbed for the most part of the day. I even had to cancel the plans I had to help them out with a move that day because I just could. not. face. them.

After a day or so, I talked to both of them. I told them I am really happy for them, but it's just really hard for me to see. My tears were because I was sad for me, not angry at them. Their baby (actually babies, as they ended up with identical twins) was still a new life that deserved celebration, no matter how easily the parents fell pregnant. I simply cannot hold my IF hostility over a baby.

I told them I wanted to be a part of the pregnancy and would love to hear updates. But I also told them I may, in fact, cry. And if that happened, I may have to wait for another time to hear what's going on. And maybe on a good day, I will be full of questions. And a bad day, I may steer clear of the entire situation.

When I got finally got pregnant, I wanted to share the news with the world. It's a really hard thing to come to when coming from the infertility set. You almost feel guilty for even being pregnant, even if I went through hell to get there. But you come to the realization you just have to be sensitive to those around you. I'm sure I don't know everyone in my life suffering with some form of IF, so when we tell people our good news, we now how not to just throw it in someone's face. We know that our announcements need to be worded a bit differently, not just a sudden email full of u/s pictures.

The fertiles just wouldn't get this. Most have no idea how an email titled "guess what?" and the body a big "We're PREGNANT!" screaming out at you can really break the hearts of some. But what I keep in mind is they just don't know. And most importantly, I keep in mind that I should respond as I would want someone to respond the to news of my pregnancy. It's not fair to any preggo (yes, even the fertiles) to get pissed at their good fortune just because mine was in the crapper.


~General Pregnancy Stuff~

Being pregnant was something I wasn't clued in on when it happened. I had no idea how much it would consume my life. I had no idea that even after going through infertility, I would fall into the role of the women who I would totally roll my eyes at.

It's all consuming. My poor friend Laurel, I felt so bad. You would think after going through all I did for this pregnancy I would have a little more couth and be aware of my surroundings. I don't know how much of someone else's life I should talk about on my blog, but Laurel had a devastating cycle once and I ~know~ about it. Yet sometimes when I'm around her, I can't stop talking about baby stuff. Poor girl just smiled and took it until I finally caught myself, ~hours~ later. I'm sure she was chanting "shut up shut up shut up shut up" over and over in her head.

I'm a belly rubber too. And I HATED belly rubbers when I was ttc. I would complain "do they HAVE to rub their bellies!??! They do it just to piss me off, I know it!" yet it's something I continuously do. Like I said before, It's like a zit and I can't ~not~ touch the thing. Plus, later in pregnancy when you have appendages sticking out of you, well, it would be close to impossible to ignore it.

I also complain. This is a biggie I see in the blog world. "Why do they complain about pregnancy? Don't they know how lucky they are? I would do anything to have their aches/pains!". Yet, when you are here, it's somehow different. My pubic bone feels like someone hit it with a baseball bat. I can't sleep well. I'm awkward. I have baby appendages trying to poke through my skin. YES! I know I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world, but, it does have it's cons. I try to limit my complaining here, but just because the pregnancy was really worked for, doesn't make the pain feel any better.

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I guess I'm just trying to show it from the other side. That a once-infertile can and will fall into the "just another pregnant chick" category without even knowing. So when you see a preggo act in a way that makes you want to punch them, ask yourself this ... "how will you want to be treated when it's your turn?" We're not all evil. I promise.

I wish I could act in a way that would make every IFer feel comfortable, but the fact remains that I am having a baby and it really does change things. I will always always always try to be sensitive, but sometimes, well, it slips. And I'm sorry. But I can bet you most every now pregnant infertile doesn't go a day without thinking of how lucky she is. We're just dealing with one of the biggest changes in our lives we have ever had the opportunity to experience.

Remember. Most of you will get pregnant too. And you'll want to experience the entire thing. No one wants to stay infertile. The happiness wants to get out, and it should. A preggo needn't live in fear, instead, it's the only opportunity to have the experience. Being happy is not a slight against their once infertility. That infertility will always be with us.