I don't deserve my husband.
I don't deserve my girls.
I don't deserve my growing belly. My soon to be son.
I don't deserve my career.
I don't deserve my friends who love me.
I don't deserve my body.
I don't deserve my bank account.
I don't deserve my happiness I pretend to exude.
I don't deserve my house. Even if it's still our "starter" house.
I don't deserve my stupid material possessions.
I don't deserve my intelligence.
I don't deserve my sense of humor.
I don't deserve my words.
I don't deserve you.
... Once (and still) Infertile, but still Schnarky as hell. This blog is dedicated to the daily ramblings from the mind of Nancy. It isn't about anything profound in the grand scheme of things, but it ~is~ about things in my life, schnarkiness always included. I have a second blog, listed in my profile, but the blogs will continue to remain separate.
"I'm aiming for heaven, but I'll probably wind up down in hell"
About Me
- nancy
- I am a 39 year old woman. I am the mother of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I am a career woman. As for my TTC world, it certainly doesn't seem like I am "infertile", but I fought for my pregnancies and my TTC/IF history is on the sidebar. I have two blogs, which are both listed in my profile. One focuses on my daily life - including IF, TTC, pregnancy, delivery and even some "children mentioned" posts. The second blog is ~soley~ posts directly about being the mother to my three children.
Belly Pics for #3 only.
Click stick figure to see the consecutive pictures from this pregnancy only.
My TTC History
- Jul 01 ~ married
- Jan 02 ~ First cycle off bcps and opk shows ovulation!
- Dec 02 ~ Went to pcp for RE referral
- Jan 03 ~ Testing commences. S/A perfect. HSG clear.
- Feb 03 ~ Lap #1. All clear.
- Apr 03 ~ Clomid cycle #1. BFN.
- May 03 ~ Clomid cycle #2. BFN.
- Jun 03 ~ Clomid cycle #3. BFN.
- Jul 03 ~ Supposed to be IUI#1, but we missed cd3 so natural cycle
- Aug 03 ~ BFP on C18.
- Apr 04 ~ Ella born.
- Oct 04 ~ decided to ttc #2 and went off minipill to see if I am ovulating. I am. Will start next month.
- Nov 04 ~ TTC#2 starts. BFP. Holy Crap. No freaking way. No way.
- Aug 05 ~ Allison born
- Oct 06 ~ IUD removed. TTC#3
- Jan 07 ~ Large cysts found.
- Feb 07 ~ Femara cyle #1
- Mar 07 ~ Started w/ RE. HSG #2 showed R tube blocked. S/A normal.
- Mar 07 ~ more cysts, up to 9cms.
- Apr 07 ~ more cysts, 3 @ 7-9cms.
- May 07 ~ IUI #1 cancelled due to more cysts
- Jun 07 ~ IUI #1 (take two) w/ Clomid. BFN.
- Jul 07 ~ HSS showed scar tissue in 70% of uterus. Diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. Uterine surgery #2
- Aug 07 ~ HSG #3 showed clear tubes.
- Aug 07 ~ IUI #2 w/ Femara. BFN.
- Sept 07 ~ Monitored w/ hCG trigger. BFN.
- Oct 07 ~ HSS #2 showed scar tissue in 30% of uterus. Uterine surgery #3.
- Dec 07 ~ HSS #3 showed tiny amount of scar tissue. Uterine surgery #4.
- Jan 08 ~ HSS #4 showed clear uterus.
- Jan 08 ~ IUI #3, C16. BFN.
- Mar 08 ~ IVF #1, Transfer Cancelled due to lining. Out of 15 eggs, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. I have named my 9 embryos "The Mod Squad" and they are in the freezer, waiting for mommy to be ready.
- Apr/May 08 ~ FET #1. C20. 4 embryos "The Fab Four" transferred on 5/05. BFP!!! Very Low Beta (15 at 11dp3dt) but the numers continued to double every 48 hours. Told it was "most likely not viable" and later "most likely ectopic" but we beat all the odds.
- May 16, 08 ~ 11dp3dt (4w0d), beta #1: 15
- May 19, 08 ~ 14dp3dt (4w3d), beta #2: 43
- May 23, 08 ~ 18dp3dt (5w0d), beta#3: 213
- May 27, 22dp3dt (5w4d), beta #4: 1,073
- Jun 08 - Ultrasound showed one heartbeat at 7 weeks.
- Jul 08 - Had CVS testing. Chromosomes are normal and it's a BOY!! EDD: 1/23
- Aug 08 - Jan 09 ~ High risk due to: 1) Velamentous Cord Insertion, deemed biggest risk 2) Previous Placenta Accreta 3) Previous rapid degraged placenta 4) IVF alone can create weak placenta 5) AMA - Advanced Maternal Age. -- All resulting in almost 30 u/s and lots of testing, which ended up saving my life.
- Jan 09 (38w0d) ~ Karl is born! -- Crazy 3 days in hospital. Manual version to flip baby from breech to head down, Labor, Delivery, Emergency surgery due to cord detaching from placenta, Scary heart issues from losing over 40% of my blood supply, and then a blood transfusion due to the extreme loss of blood. Whew!
Blog Archive
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2008
(515)
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October
(41)
- ~~ I Gained Weight!!! ~~
- Pictures are fun.
- Sorry Tampa Bay
- WhatEVER Chicklet.
- Because I'm an Idiot Too.
- I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie
- It's hard to keep my mouth shut
- The Day After
- I Feel Like Such a Fool.
- Sexy Hot (and pregnant?)
- A Few Quick Pictures
- I'm in Arizona
- My Boy's 1st Tees
- Bullets.
- We got robbed.
- Sometimes I just can't help myself.
- ICLW!
- Things I don't "do"
- It's monday.
- There's always two ways to look at something.
- Come Out Tonight.
- I don't deserve this.
- Name just ~one~ thing.
- My Cost of Infertility
- I have a new post for today
- I'm lighting my candle now.
- Do you know what today is?
- HumDillyDum.
- Elective Inductions?
- Sheesh. Do I post ~that~ much?
- A poll for infertiles.
- Things I learned from IF.
- Let's get it going on a Monday
- A question for the mommies out there ...
- Photographic Proof I ~am~ a Dork.
- Staying up past midnight.
- Thank Goodness it's Friday.
- The Big Baby Penis.
- No baby shower for me and Karl.
- My body
- Home Schooling.
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October
(41)
19 comments:
Nancy, I'm not sure what's on your mind as you write this. But I want you to know, you deserve it all. You have to have done something right to have have your DH, your daughters, your son to be, your job, your money, your house - everything.
Don't be hard on yourself. Take care.
As women we often make the mistake of thinkgin we don't deserve what we have in our lives. BUT WE DO. YOU DO.
I hope you feel better soon.
xxx
sweetie, STOP! Hope all is ok, HUGS xxx
Nancy,
Are you okay.....? This seems kind of blue hued, all the 'don't deserves' gave it away. I'm observant like that.
Of course you deserve it all,
xx
J
I think you deserve it all! Life is good, you are a great person and you deserve every happiness life sends.
I hope team blue is fun! I really, really thought it was a girl and was sort of shocked that it was a boy!
Yes you do sweetie!!!
Hon, I wish you weren't feeling this way. Big hugs.
Nancy~
If you didn't deserve it you wouldn't have it.
You worked hard at your job to earn the money in your bank account....to buy your house...to have your designer jeans ;).
You worked to have your children and you work hard to raise the well and have them turn into good little people...
So all that you don't deserve? You worked for it...so you do!
Smile....you always make me do!
You clearly....desreve it all Nancy.
Why don't you put on your skates and go for a nice stroll around the rink? There can't be any harm in it right? I mean don;t plow into anyone knowking them down till they bleed (although that sounds SO MUCH better!)....
I am not sure what I feel about this post. I don't think you are being hard on yourself - or maybe you are! Perhaps you are feeling particularly greatful for everything you have.
You have a full life - sit back and enjoy! You deserve happiness!
Yes - everything Nikki said.
(((hugs)))
Yes you do, Nancy. Yes you do.
I agree with Nikki.
I hope you feel more deserving very soon!
giant hugs babe- I don't know what you are going through or how you are feeling right now, but you do deserve every bit of that list & then some.
I love you Nancy & if you need to vent or cry or scream or whatever I am here.
(I actually have to send you something, but I never seem to get to the post office- it will be out next week though)
You make me wonder who deserves anything. Good OR bad??
Sara, you saw exactly what my feelings were doing last night. Trying to take in the task of "sitting back and enjoying" everything I have. I think it's amazing that a woman who suffered so much loss can see a something so positive out of something that "seems" negative. This is why I know your life WILL go on. And even after dealing with the worst year in the history of years for your family, you will persevere and make it. A zillion ~hugs~ to you.
Everyone else, THANK you for your comments. I wasn't trying to "trick" anyone into giving me support, as I was just overwhelmed within the extraordinary life I am leading right now. I was merely humbled and definitely was writing in a tone that couldn't come through in the text. But to see 14 comments first thing in the morning, full of love and compassion? It just solidifies my thoughts of the last sentance. I don't deserve you all. Yet, I have it. And it couldn't make me any happier. It's moments like this I lock inside my heart to remember when the day(s) are bad. I just hope and wish everyone can have clear moments of love like I had last night and then today. You all RULE.
Thank you all for being my friend. Even though I don't "know" most of you from a face to face meeting, you aren't any less real to me.
It's so awesome that you recognize your own humanity - some people don't come awake to that...just don't forget God has blessed you (and us all) even though none of us deserve "it"!
Blessings!
Ericka
Sorry I'm just getting to this now, but I wanted to say....
OF COURSE YOU DO!
You only have one life to live, so live in the moment and enjoy it...
Hugs!
Okay so I'm horribly late to this and you're probably (from your comment and newer posts) already feeling better, but reading this worried me about where you were mentally at. I get that there's probably days that are hard to get how you got so lucky, but hopefully there's days too where you're just so excited that you got so lucky:-)
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